Struggling with newborn stage. Some kind words would be much appreciated

[Newmum931002]

Hi ladies,
Im hoping this reaches a few of you that can relate to how I’m feeling. I guess what I’m looking for is reassurance that I’m not alone in feeling this way or an awful mum for having these thoughts and feelings.
My baby girl is perfect and everything I dreamed of but I feel like I’m just keeping my head above water everyday with my emotions towards the newborn stage - she’s only 2 weeks old.. today infact!
As the days come to an end and nights draw in my anxiety gets worse. Will she sleep? Won’t she sleep? Did I let her nap too long so she won’t sleep because of me? Did I not make her nap enough so she’ll be restless? Will she cry so loud she wakes up the whole street?
I also really struggle to get her into her next2me consistently and end up on the sofa with her some nights which I feel guilty for and I feel like I’m the only one essentially failing so early on doing what’s best for her.
I’ve been told it’s practically impossible to impose a routine at this stage with sleep and what will be will be and to just roll with it but I’m finding it incredibly hard not being in control and feel like I’m the only one not being able to get her in it successfully every night.
I know I probably don’t sound it but Im definitely better in myself than I was last week.. I’m definitely not crying as much!
My husband is incredibly supportive.. my mum and dad would drop everything anytime to run to my rescue if I needed them (and they have after me phoning them in tears) but I still can’t help but feel I’m doing most things wrong, finding it harder than every other mum or not doing as good of a job.. even if the feelings aren’t exactly the same, is there anyone that can sort of relate?
A friendly salute to me not being mad and this actually being a crap time is very much welcome. Just a small validation in how I’m feeling is all I need.

This is all normal. We are at almost 5 months now and it all gets so much easier. You will get to "know" your baby soon enough. Her likes and dislikes, her cues, moods and so on.

If you're breastfeeding, I recommend learning to do it lying down and just bed sharing. It's perfectly safe as long as you follow safe sleep guidelines. I've done it since a month old and I am not at all exhausted and barely recall waking to feed. I also recommend trying a fabric sling for arms free daytime naps, just make sure she is in it safely again!

You're doing great. Good luck Xxx

Very very normal (and safe) for her to sleep on you as long as you're awake. Newborn cuddles are the most natural thing in the world. Just have them in a safe bed set up in case you doze off. X

I used to warm up the cot with a hot water bottle - then take it out and put the (sleeping) newborn in. She didn’t seem to wake up that way.

Otherwise what you describe is completely normal. Those first few weeks are a blur. They will slowly start to settle into more of a routine.

Your hormones are bonkers at the moment. I love the newborn stage but omg now DD who is my second is 6 months I feel so much more like my own person/ less insane.

You can't change their night sleep with naps at this stage or impose any routine. Definitely look into safe bedsharing. You're doing great!

Just wanted to say that you are doing amazingly well. You have a wonderful healthy baby, a supportive family and you are trying to be the absolute best mum you can be in spite of very little sleep.
Its absolutely normal to worry and feel over whelmed at this early stage, I used to get panicky if I was on my own in the evenings with my newborn as I was scared I wouldn’t know what to do.
Your hormones will be working overdrive too.

But you know what, your baby knows what she needs. She’ll let you know when she’s hungry and tired and you don’t have to worry about a routine, she just wants you to be close to her.

if you’re worried about her sleeping, why not spend 24 hours in bed next to her, skin to skin where you can both nap and snuggle, with no pressure to do anything at all, just to be with each other. It worked wonders for me

Do you have a euan the dream sheep? My DD wanted to be held all the time (was impossible to do, she’s a twin!) so I’d pop her in the crib, put the sheep on and put my hand next to her till she’d soothed. I figured this out after having fallen asleep for a split second with one of them in my arms, it was utterly terrifying.

You're doing brilliantly, the first few weeks are just a shit storm of hormones crashing, crying (both you and the baby) and rubbish sleep if you’re lucky enough to get any.

It’ll be different and hopefully better in just a few short weeks although it felt with mine like it never would be!

My 12 month old still doesnt sleep in a cot, I gave up and coslept from around 5 months. You're doing absolutely nothing wrong, babies just like to be close to their mamas x

You are doing brilliantly, the first few weeks are so hard. My Dd recently had a baby who wasn’t so keen on the next to me, she was advised to try putting the Moses basket in the next to me, baby then went in the Moses basket, the idea was to make the space small
and cosy.

I could have written this when my child a was a newborn…it was hardest time of my life… I promise it gets easier. X

i have an Ollie owl and I only started using it a week ago but I do think it helps.. during the day too if I need to pop her down to use the toilet or get the door I feel like it keeps her calmer for longer than leaving her with nothing. I’ve been a lot more consistent with it past couple of days.
unfortunately she doesn’t seem to be one of those baby’s that can sort of sooth themselves with a dummy or just with knowing I’m near by at the moment even if she can see me.
my god twins! My husband is a twin and I’ve said to my MIL plenty of times since having baby girl ‘how on earth did you f@&!ing manage it’ to which she’s been like .. you just do ❤️

My husband and I agreed we would 'reassess' the situation with out daughter every week, every Tuesday to be precise. Every Tuesday I thought I could probably get through another week 😂She didn't sleep, I was exhausted, I felt an absolute failure. It got better, slowly, surely. You are doing great, and you are everything your baby needs. It gets easier, honestly.

You have no idea how much better it makes me feel to know other people felt/feel just like me. I was so nervous to write on here so the fact people are saying they felt the same makes it feel so much less shameful for lack of a better word. I really am so grateful

I remember catching myself worrying simultaneously that my 6 week old was sleeping too much and not enough! Mine are in their 30s now and I still worry so that bit never goes but you get used to it

She can't really see you at this age unless you're probably about 20cm away, so it's normal for her not to be able to settle - she's very new.

The first three weeks are CRAZY
then it starts to feel less crazy in my opinion
Just accept that and know you're not doing anything wrong .

@Newmum931002 my DS hated the next 2 me (it was a snuzpod but same size) until around 4 months because for their teeny body it was just too big! I used one of the purflow sleep beds inside the next 2 me and it changed the sleep unbelievably because I think he felt a lot more snug- I used to put a hot water bottle in there before transferring him over !

purflo.com/sleep-tight-baby-bed/

They are certified safe for overnight sleep unlike most other sleep pods because it has a hard base.

As all the other posters have said- we hear you, we feel every word in your original post and we have been there. It gets better. Slowly. Take each day, prioritise getting an hour of sleep whenever you can- tag team shifts in the evenings.

You're doing an amazing job, and you are all your little one needs in the world right now xx

Mine are in late teens / early 20s
yet I still remember feeling like this
this is one of the most significant and life changing moments you’ll ever have
of course you’re going to feel overwhelmed
of course you’re going to feel out of control
it’s fine to lean on others for help support and anything
and you will definitely get it wrong sometimes
but that’s also ok
there is no such thing as the right way
only options to explore that will suit you all

good luck. You’ll be fine . X

To OP: I could have written your post word for word. In hindsight there was so much emphasis and education on the pregnancy stage - apps showing me corresponding sized fruit week by week, going to pregnancy yoga classes, all that - but for me there was not much information pre-birth on the early weeks (for various reasons I wasn’t able to go to antenatal classes). Once we went home from hospital I constantly felt like I was floundering! I felt like I didn’t know how to do anything and at times that I was a failure. The early evenings were really hard as bub cried really hard. But I gradually felt calmer as time passed, maybe around the 12 week mark. Granted they still didn’t sleep through for years…

I promise you that you’re doing amazing. Just follow her lead and relax she is 2 weeks old. Routine will come. Sleep when she is asleep. I used to put her in the Moses basket and dose off on the sofa during the day to keep caught up and when her dad got home I’d catch up on house work and washing. Even 1 hour of cleaning a day does the trick xxx

To any other new parents reading this thread: as PP have written, please heed the advice of the Lullaby Trust and practise safe sleep for your precious bundles of joy. It only takes a few minutes for a baby to suffocate. Accept any offers of help to allow yourself a chance to top up on sleep if you’re feeling tired.

Congratulations on your little girl. My baby is napping in the next room. She’s 18 and I adore her. The years go so quickly and some days I genuinely want to do it all over again. 💕

Yep, the first baby feels like this. It’s so far away from your ‘normal’ life and NOTHING you do feels right (and mostly you feel you don’t know what on earth you’re doing).

BUT you only have to do a few things: feed the baby, change the baby, get the baby to sleep, stop the baby crying. The last two of these can be very difficult and you will feel like you’re failing a lot of the time… but the baby WILL sleep and stop crying eventually.

Your biggest challenge is not getting too stressed out about it all.

You’re doing just fine and this is all completely normal.

Thinking of you xx

OP it sounds like she's doing all normal things!

I'm in the trenches with you, but with my second. My first hated the cot until about 2 weeks, we had success putting him in the moses basket inside the next to me. So he was in 'his own sleep space' from 2 weeks, which according to the "experts" means he should be a good independent sleeper? He wasn't! He woke every 2-3 hours until 4 months then woke every hour until we sleep trained in desperation at 10 months.

This new baby won't go in the next to me, but this time I'm going with it and am following safe co sleeping. I'm still up most of the night - but I am getting a little sleep here and there. I'll keep trying her in the cot, and eventually we will get there.

The difference this time is I know it's all largely out of my control. Those people who say oh my 3 step routine to getting a baby to sleep all night? Their baby is just a good sleeper, it's nothing they are really doing.

It sounds like you are doing really well, and doing all the right things. I get night dread too, I had it with my first for ages- again this time, I know it'll pass. So let me reassure you - all of this will pass!

You aren't alone, across the world there are millions of people pacing the floors with babies all feeling the same x

OP you’re doing great. There’s a lot of BS written on the internet about those first few months with your first baby- quite a lot of it in this hectoring tone set by these apparent supermums.
Take it all with a pinch of salt- if everybody is getting a little bit of sleep, getting fed and is warm and cosy, that’ll do. If you’re getting dressed, having a shower or even going out for a walk with the pram, that’s a big win.
One day in the weeks and months to come you’ll suddenly realise that somehow you’ve managed to get 6 hours sleep, make tea and even finish a brew while it’s hot and these early days of agonising over every aspect of having a new baby will seem like another planet.

Hold on OP, it gets better and we’ve all been there and lived to tell the tale.

Ahh OP. Your post took me back.

It’s all so so similar to how I was. To be honest you sound like you’re doing much better than I coped! I wasn’t brave enough to be open with how much I was struggling and how truly shit it all felt.

I remember feeling like it would never end and just feeling so miserable and like this baby I wanted for years hated me and that have her was a mistake and that the newborn days would never end.

People would tell me it would pass but it feels so intense that it’s nearly impossible to see the other side and that would just piss me off!

Turns out they were right.

Once my DD could interact a little bit more and smile the real miserable days lifted. She did like me! And then once she was a few months old and could sit up and hold things etc she was a pleasure and pretty much has been ever since.

The benefit of such an unsettled, miserable newborn stage to me has been that everything else has seemed fine! Toddler years were good, sure we had stupidly early mornings but I didn’t have to sit up in shifts at night with DH just we took in it turns to get up at 5am. etc.

I must’ve had PND looking back and haven’t had other children as really all I wanted was a little girl anyway, but she is an incredible human. We’re so proud of her and she reallly is an easy child and has been since a few months old.

Sending you so much love. I promise promise PROMISE it won’t be this hard forever and you aren’t failing by feeling this way. It really is just shit and really hard!

Thank you so much for replying and I really can’t tell you how much i appreciate the validation.. honestly it feels like rocks are being taken off my chest for feeling so guilty about this little person I longed for.
i definitely wouldn’t of wrote in last week.. I tried to find similar threads but they just weren’t cutting it.. plus when you put it all down in writing it almost makes more sense and I do feel lighter for it!
you see all these women on social media putting their newborns to bed and getting 8 hours of sleep every night and even the wakeups are peaceful! No crying and fussing.. just on the boob and back to bed. No such luck in my house.. but from all your replies it’s so nice to know I’m not the only one and like you said.. hopefully she likes me! 🥰 I’m looking forward to the smiles.. the positive emotions back off of her is what I’m craving.
Thank you again for being so honest, I can’t explain how much good it’s doing me xx