Struggling with newborn stage. Some kind words would be much appreciated

[Newmum931002]

Hi ladies,
Im hoping this reaches a few of you that can relate to how I’m feeling. I guess what I’m looking for is reassurance that I’m not alone in feeling this way or an awful mum for having these thoughts and feelings.
My baby girl is perfect and everything I dreamed of but I feel like I’m just keeping my head above water everyday with my emotions towards the newborn stage - she’s only 2 weeks old.. today infact!
As the days come to an end and nights draw in my anxiety gets worse. Will she sleep? Won’t she sleep? Did I let her nap too long so she won’t sleep because of me? Did I not make her nap enough so she’ll be restless? Will she cry so loud she wakes up the whole street?
I also really struggle to get her into her next2me consistently and end up on the sofa with her some nights which I feel guilty for and I feel like I’m the only one essentially failing so early on doing what’s best for her.
I’ve been told it’s practically impossible to impose a routine at this stage with sleep and what will be will be and to just roll with it but I’m finding it incredibly hard not being in control and feel like I’m the only one not being able to get her in it successfully every night.
I know I probably don’t sound it but Im definitely better in myself than I was last week.. I’m definitely not crying as much!
My husband is incredibly supportive.. my mum and dad would drop everything anytime to run to my rescue if I needed them (and they have after me phoning them in tears) but I still can’t help but feel I’m doing most things wrong, finding it harder than every other mum or not doing as good of a job.. even if the feelings aren’t exactly the same, is there anyone that can sort of relate?
A friendly salute to me not being mad and this actually being a crap time is very much welcome. Just a small validation in how I’m feeling is all I need.

You're doing just fine!
Your life has been turned upside down and there's no way that your baby will get into any kind of routine yet.

Don't get anxious about it. All new mothers go through this, trust me.

Hi, yep totally remember this esp the dread as nights draw in.

Few things -

You might have PND. I did, looking back. Wish I'd got it sorted.

Find small things that help. For me, it was having one coffee a day as it gave me a lift. Also being outside and seeing sunshine, every day. Walking. Might be different for you.

I bf'd and wish I'd mixed it up a bit now, as bottle feeding might have helped her settle more sometimes.

But mostly..
It's not like this forever. You can't see past it or a way out of the dark sometimes. But things move and shift.

Mine is almost 11 now and I'm so proud of her. It changes. It does get better

You are an absolute legend!

well done for posting and well done on your beautiful baby girl.

millions and millions of women have felt like you before. It is totally normal.

i don’t want to put any demands on you because you have put so many on yourself. But I am going to put one on you. Try to worry less. You are everything she needs. Every decision you make is the right one.

talk to her. Mummy is going to pick you up now. Mummy is going to kiss you. You are the most beautiful baby in the world. Mummy is going to put you down now and have a cup of tea. Oh look at that bird on the patio.

keep talking to us. Xxx

You're doing fine. The only thing you must change is sleeping on the sofa with her, that's really risky. Have a look at the lullaby trust website on how to safely bedshare, give up on the next to me, and all get some better sleep.

It’s really hard. Really really hard. It will get better, or different. You’ll get more confident.

I would say, do try to find a better fallback plan than the sofa - that’s really not safe.

And definitely see the health visitor. It’s hard to tell if you’re depressed. Tbh it could be ‘normal’ - because it’s so difficult

Gosh I know it well! Mine is 6 months old now and the newborn days are HARD but it’s hard because it’s new and you’re under tons of pressure. The thing that helped me was being told everything good or bad is a phase and it will pass. I remember not being able to put him down so being wide awake with him on my chest and then one day that just randomly changed. And now at 6 months and very strong willed, I miss the newborn stage I found so hard (or I don’t remember it?!). I’m glad you’ve got good support. Lean into them and the chaos and don’t worry about routine. 2 weeks is tiny! Best of luck

First of all congratulations on your bundle of joy, and trust me she is/will be.

Secondly, have you reached out to your Midwife or Health Visitor? They should be able to put you in touch with some kind of mental health support.

Thirdly, your hormones are still in free fall and will be for a while. Be extra kind to yourself. This is not who you really are. Just give it time.

Fourthly, accept that you will no longer be in control of the smaller stuff such as sleeping and eating to an exact time scale. Once they are toddlers you might not even be in control of clothing 😬

Try to relax and enjoy this time, they change so quickly in the first year

One thing i wished i did was not worry so much! I see mothers on their third and are so chilled. Just go with her sleep patterns as much as you can, but if you make “mistakes” don’t sweat it! Mine didn’t sleep through till he was 2! I just went with it and felt much less stressed that way. Imagine if she had siblings there’s no way you’d be able to give her everything she demands, just what she needs.

I honestly think this is one of the best posts I've seen on MN in the many years I've been here. Totally nailed it.

You're doing great OP. What you are describing is totally normal.

The only thing Id say is you say you end up on the sofa, I'm not sure entirely what you mean by that, so I will just say please prioritise safe sleeping practices as best you can. Lullaby Trust has lots of info on that.

Also you say you have a supportive husband, I presume he is also caring for baby at night?

Oh my god I remember feeling just like that OP. I know it’s a cliché, but it really does get better. You do find a way through even though there might be some tears. Mine are now 23,20 and 17 and I remember these feelings like they were yesterday. It’s ok to feel the way you do. Sending hugs x

I hear you. I hated it. I now have a fabulous nearly 15 year old who never screams at me, doesn’t need his nappy changing and is the most kind, confident, hardworking boy. He broke me multiple times in the newborn stage. It got gradually better (but not in a linear way) until he was 18 months and since then he has been fantastic. Keep talking to people around you and don’t be afraid to cry. Your hormones will be all over the place and babies are HARD.

I did put myself through it again (DD is 10) and it was much easier second time because I was a lot kinder to myself. X

Oh OP, you’re not failing, you’re doing fine! The first two weeks are totally unpredictable and full of hormonal emotion as well as the exhaustion of sleepless nights and recovery from birth. I remember feeling just like you, and being so disappointed and worried that I wasn’t enjoying it more. It will get easier, you will find some sort of rhythm when your baby is ready (next two or three weeks) and you will feel more in control. I expect your mood will lift naturally as the days go by, especially if you can lean on family to watch your daughter while you get a bit of sleep or have a bath, but post natal depression is real, so don’t be afraid to ask your health visitor for support if you think you need it. One thing that helped me a surprising amount was having a bath with my baby every day. Sometimes he pooed on me and that was gross, but mostly it was a really happy, calm experience that marked the end of our day, gave us the start of a routine, and meant I got the daily wash I needed for my own sanity! I looked forward to it so much every day, and I look back on it with such affection.

You’re doing great. Everyone feels like this. You’re not alone and it Will be ok. Promise.

You’re doing fine and it is normal. Everyone finds it hard. If you’re managing to get her into her cot some of the time then you’re doing better then I did, it took 12 weeks before my dd would let me put her in.

It’s hard at times but it will go so quickly - basically just focus on what will keep your sanity in place because as long as you feed her plenty your little girl will work out the sleep thing. I had two - and my first became like a little clockwork with a swaddle and a nap schedule at two weeks but with my second it was much harder - but I got there with both of them and they sleep brilliantly now. My personal life savers were (a) getting out for a coffee with baby in the pram, (b) watching tv shows or chatting on the phone whilst breastfeeding, (c) swaddling and (d) baby carrying. If things that crop up that don’t feel right just ask your friends who have had kids recently etc as small things like tongue tie, CMPA and GERD can make life more difficult than they need to be - but generally don’t worry. Your job is basically to keep the baby fed and safe - everything else they work out or isn’t that a big deal.

Hi Op, perfectly normal. You’re doing great and it’s all such a huge adjustment period. Try and nap when she does so you’re sleeping enough because that was the hardest part for me.

You’re doing great. It’s bloody hard. I would stay some routine if I was you. As soon as we got the all clear for baths we would bath her every night and the fresh baby grow and a feed and build from that. It was good for me too to to bookend the day. Our little girl slept right through from 12wks ish ans I think it was to do with her routine. That being said I think it’s the luck of the draw with babies and they are either good sleepers or they aren’t but I certainly think a good routine foundation doesn’t hurt.
don’t beat yourself up about being anxious either. Pre baby I was such a chilled person never had any real anxiety and I had these ideas about what type of mother I would be. I worry so much about her and it’s always then something new. First the vulnerable newborn stage, then weaning and a massive fear of her choking. Now she’s just walking and runs towards danger haha I am much more nervous and anxious than I thought but there’s nothing I can do about it.

I joined a face book baby group for babies not one month and year she was and it’s been really helpful.

You are not mad, this made me smile and remember feeling the same. You do WHATEVER it is you need to do to get you through the day and night and that's it. Oh...and fuck what everyone else is doing. Get yourself out to some Mum and baby groups soon and you will soon see that EVERY new mum is struggling with something x

Sleep when you can you really will feel more sane. Prioritise having a shower every morning, trust me, it helps.

Newborn stage is so, so hard.

At the time I wouldn’t have said I had PND because it feels so gradual but looking back now it does feel like big dark clouds hung over me at the time. It’s only a few years down the line that I look back and I realise it’s so much brighter.

Parenting is still hard. They are constantly evolving and so you’re constantly adapting and doing something new. But it gets more rewarding. You’re about 4 weeks from that first smile, then another 6 from that first giggle. Then they get more interactive, more engaged. They stop being a really high needs bag of potatoes and actually become a little baby.

You’re doing great.

Thank you so much for all the kind replies, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.
By ending up on the sofa I mean I end up gathering all the sugar and coffee I can find and normally between the hours of 1/2am (depending when I give up on the next to me) and 4/5am (when my husband gets up to take over so I can try and get a good 4 hours) she sleeps in my arms while I watch something utterly terrifying on tv to stay awake - which I have succeeded in so far but I do know it’s not sustainable hence me reaching out on here. Husband also stays up with her while I go to bed earlier - like I will right now too! So I do get a few hours before trying to put her down for the night.

It's such a hard time, but this too shall pass.

Prioritise sleep, and if that means planned cosleeping then do it. Pre-child I wouldn't have dreamed of cosleeping. But it was the only way to stay sane. But please do it in a planned way on a safe surface. The UK Cosleepers Facebook group is really good if you want advice on making your set up as safe as possible. the La Leche safe sleep seven is good too if you're breastfeeding. If finances allow, an Owlet sleep sock can give a lot of reassurance.

You need a solution that doesn't involve being on the sofa with her when tired as that's dangerous for her. Most the statistics relating to the dangers of cosleeping are for incidents where people have fallen asleep on sofas.

But most of all be kind to yourself. Having a baby is a huge shock and you're doing a much better job then you imagine.

I could have written similar posts to many PP on this. It’s a huge adjustment, particularly so first time but it will get better and it’s not just you, a lot of people feel that way. I have 2 16 months apart and second time was much better, mainly because DD could (and still can) sleep for England so it made things a LOT easier. They are both taller than me now and they survived.

My mantra was always “everything is just a phase”. It will change as quick as anything, sometimes for the better and sometimes not. Parenting is always changing. Even if it’s not as physically demanding, it can be mentally taxing too.

You’re doing great!

It is really bloody tough. The “pre nights dread” is something that I had completely forgotten but once you wrote about them came back so clearly.

You will get through it.

You will even look back and long for these days back again. (Rose coloured glasses fade everything but the loveliness of a teeny tiny baby extraordinarily well!)

Sorry team I wasn’t clear in original post - I don’t fall asleep with her on the sofa.. but she does fall asleep on me. But I also know that it is obviously a risk which is why I do what I do to stay awake (explained in other post) and hence why I’m reaching out on here because I know long term it’s not sustainable.. I’m just hoping eventually she’ll start going in the next2me drama free!

Echoing all the others here to say you're doing great and it's normal.

But also wanted to add very clearly at this age nothing you do wrt naps will increase or decrease their sleep overnight. Your baby doesn't even know what night is yet. I didn't find that late naps affected bedtime until around 4/5 months tbh.

Cosleeping saved my sanity too. Would recommend if it's something you're open too. Has had the longer term benefit that our toddler now crashes out in our bed really easily when they wake up earlier than we'd like!