Struggling with newborn stage. Some kind words would be much appreciated

[Newmum931002]

Hi ladies,
Im hoping this reaches a few of you that can relate to how I’m feeling. I guess what I’m looking for is reassurance that I’m not alone in feeling this way or an awful mum for having these thoughts and feelings.
My baby girl is perfect and everything I dreamed of but I feel like I’m just keeping my head above water everyday with my emotions towards the newborn stage - she’s only 2 weeks old.. today infact!
As the days come to an end and nights draw in my anxiety gets worse. Will she sleep? Won’t she sleep? Did I let her nap too long so she won’t sleep because of me? Did I not make her nap enough so she’ll be restless? Will she cry so loud she wakes up the whole street?
I also really struggle to get her into her next2me consistently and end up on the sofa with her some nights which I feel guilty for and I feel like I’m the only one essentially failing so early on doing what’s best for her.
I’ve been told it’s practically impossible to impose a routine at this stage with sleep and what will be will be and to just roll with it but I’m finding it incredibly hard not being in control and feel like I’m the only one not being able to get her in it successfully every night.
I know I probably don’t sound it but Im definitely better in myself than I was last week.. I’m definitely not crying as much!
My husband is incredibly supportive.. my mum and dad would drop everything anytime to run to my rescue if I needed them (and they have after me phoning them in tears) but I still can’t help but feel I’m doing most things wrong, finding it harder than every other mum or not doing as good of a job.. even if the feelings aren’t exactly the same, is there anyone that can sort of relate?
A friendly salute to me not being mad and this actually being a crap time is very much welcome. Just a small validation in how I’m feeling is all I need.

I should of been clearer on my original post.. what I meant was I bring her down stairs and sit on the sofa with her while SHE sleeps in my arms so my husband gets some undisturbed sleep.. then he gets up around 3-4 hours later and takes over so I get some sleep too.
9 times out of 10 I’ve also been asleep for around 2 to 3 hours before all this while husband has been with girly so I’m not sitting down with her shattered. But he is going back to work tomorrow and all this swapping over to sleep will be changing a bit which is why I reached out on here because I know going forward I won’t be as lucky.
I don’t want anyone to think I was suggesting sleeping on the sofa was a nice cozy alternative.. I want her in the next2me, not asleep on me on the sofa at 3am.. even if the cuddles are dreamy x

Awwww, you've got this, we all remember those days.

I remember being on auto pilot those first few weeks, not knowing what I was supposed to be doing, sleep deprived, hair a matted mess because i couldn't be in the shower long enough to wash it.

As for the women on social media, don't believe a word of it. You are doing fine, it is hard but it really really does get better.

You are both learning together xx

the newborn stage doesn’t last long, and you can definitely make a routine, I always did. Yes the baby may not always follow it, but sometimes it helps if you have one, a simple one. My babies always had a witching hour where they would fuss like crazy, normally between 6-9 they wouldn’t settle, so I’d work around that, and when I knew witching hour was coming to an end I’d bath baby, Nice warm clean clothes, nice warm bottle or boob whichever you’re doing, and cuddles and plenty of winding… you can usually then get a few hours of peace to sleep.

you’re doing fine! Also co sleeping is fine if done safely, I did it mostly in the first few months, was just easier and baby slept better.

I spoke to my health visitor on Thursday and filled out a questionnaire honestly about how I was feeling which she took away with her and she’s back Tuesday morning to check in on us 🙂
I’ve also got my mum here for that visit so we’re all on the same page - one thing im not struggling with is being open and honest with my closest people so I don’t feel particularly worried .. even if it is PND.. I’m open to it being just that and dealing with it. I’m grateful that I don’t feel like bottling it up and hiding it.. I’m actually the opposite.. I can’t stop it coming out! Xx

Some radical acceptance may help. In the newborn stage, they will cry at night, they will be difficult to soothe at times, it will feel impossible to get them to sleep. Accept the chaos is short term and no reflection on you; you are new parents and the baby is new to the world. You’re both learning. Everyone with a newborn goes through something similar.

At that age just let her sleep as much as possible there’s no night day distinction yet and no need to cap daytime naps. Don’t put any pressure or expectations on sleep yet, just do what you need to do to keep everyone safe and as functional as possible. Keep trying the cot but don’t stress about it. Try swaddles if you haven’t?

I have a ten month old now and I am so much happier than during the newborn phase, which was just constant anxiety for me. Four months was a huge turning point for me, we started to get out and about then and his personality started to emerge, since then I’ve loved parenting more and more, (despite having an awful sleeper and some residual anxiety!)

If I could go back in time to give myself advice I’d say be really clear what help is useful from your husband and anyone else who offers help. They might want to come and hold the baby for you, but if that stresses you out then ask them to bring some healthy batch prepped food for you instead!

Something I did right was install Duolingo! That may not be it for you, but having a phone based interest - a language app, an audiobook series, pokemon go… something that just puts your brain somewhere else for little moments of time felt really healthy to me.

Hope you find some rhythms that work for you soon. It will end, and you’ll have a charming little person babbling and grinning at you when it does.

OP, bless you, my message about Lullaby Trust and safe sleep was directed at any other site users who might stumble across this thread.

I had read the full thread already and it was clear to me from one of your replies that you’re aware of the importance of safe sleep practices, I wasn’t having a go at you but just wanted to remind any future readers. You’re doing great.

Also remember when people give you advice, they are rarely recalling their baby at the same age. There’s as much difference between a two week old and a four week old as there is between a two year old and a four year old and nobody would think they should need the same things.

When you look back on the blur of the newborn days nobody remembers when lecturing the mother of the one week old baby that their happy bath and bed routine actually started at about six or eight weeks. Most baby books and baby resources don’t actually address the tiny newborn days at all, they’re all talking about babies 4-6 weeks plus.

This is because newborns are unpredictable, life is simply survival and at this stage parents shape babies and babies shape parents as they all learn each other but right now you’re trying things out, figuring out your baby and she’s figuring out you so things will change every day (or every hour!) one night you’re up watching crappy movies on the sofa while she sleeps, the next you’re trying out a swaddle and white noise. Midnight googling constantly gives you new ideas and worries. You have to do this stage which for most people sucks to learn your baby and for her to learn you and in a few months you’ll be passing on advice that you’ll have forgotten only worked from four or five weeks old and these very early days and nights will be a blur. Treat it like the time between Christmas and New Year, do nothing but eat, lounge and care for the baby! It has that same surreal quality.

No that’s totally okay and I understand, I just feared that my original post just stank if desperation when I read it back with very little logic shining through where I’d not really explained anything ❤️

Take a deep breath and know that it will pass and it will get better. Hold this advice as there will be other times in the future that you will need it. But the immense joys far outweigh these it will pass needed moments.

Will she sleep in the pram if you rock her? I used to watch TV & rock for a couple of hours & that would sometimes mean my DC would fall into a deep sleep enough for me to put my head down on the sofa for a bit.

It does get easier! The newborn stage is tough, tough, tough.

MOST babies are a bit of a nightmare at this age. It's totally normal to feel like its impossible and that you can't take any more at 2 weeks. Most just wont sleep apart from mummy for more than half an hour, which is incredibly tough on you.

As others have said, it doesnt last. It's incredibly tough, but each day you get through is one day closer to the end of this. Soon you'll be getting more sleep. Some babies stay in this phase for longer than others. I've got 4DC and my eldest didn't sleep independently for quite a while and I thought i was going mad. Safely cosleeping was essential for us. Maybe have a look into it? Independent sleep is much more achievable a couple of months down the line.

Stay away from social media! A minority of babies are miraculously good sleepers. Of they are rhe first baby, mums can accidentally attribute this to something they have done to encourage a good routine and that makes you feel youre doing something wrong. That's rubbish at this age! Some are just very much more clingy than others. My 4th was just a better sleeper than the others from day one. In the long run it makes no difference though. My eldest had to he fed to sleep every time, had to be in physical contact with me and fed back to sleep many times a night. I was so worried about "bad habits". Really it made bugger all difference in the long term. She's not clingy and she slept very well from age 2 onwards, and we never had any difficulties getting her up to bed. Do what you need to do to safely get through this stage.

This will get easier. Try not to put any pressure on yourself or to feel you should be "back to normal" any time soon.

Okay this is good to know because this is something that’s plays on my mind and gets my anxiety up every day .. the sleep she’s had during the day (when and the amount)

she’s different every day at the moment.. some days getting her down is a pain in the bum and she just won’t sleep and other days she seems to really relax into her feeds and I’m waking her every 2.5 hours to feed again! Otherwise she’d sleep through.
Today is one of those days… sleep sleep sleep after just about 3 hours through the night on and off 🤦🏼‍♀️ and this is where I worry the sleep she’s getting now will effect the sleep she gets at night xx

I agree with the other poster. At this age, sleep can't be controlled. Also I do think more sleep equals more sleep!
I wouldn't even start thinking about trying to have more control of things until at least 12 weeks.

I hear you and I was you. I felt that there was something wrong with me as everyone kept telling me to savour every minute and that time goes so fast. I wanted time to go fast as it felt so hard!

I wish I’d been to the doctor as I’m fairly sure I had PND. But it did get easier and I love parenting an older child so much.

The baby stage can be brutal, be kind to yourself.

I will definitely try this! Didn’t even think of it! Does your brain ever go back to normal? 😂🤞🏼

Some things to echo... at this age the length of daytime nap is not going to impact night time sleep and in fact she won't have day and night sorted out yet. When they are like 18months old then a too long map makes bedtime harder but not something to think about at this stage and sometimes even the opposite... more sleep during the day can mean happy settled tummy which can mean better night. And I say "can" because it's all just a bit random till they are older.
I have three fabulous kids. I love being a mum. I hated being a mum of a newborn. After the first one I just got better at understanding I would hate that stage and beat myself up about it less. It gets better and better week by week and month by month. I also had PND. With the first one I didnt recognise it. With the second it was worse and I got treated. That significantly improved things. With the third it started at the end of pregnancy so by the time they were born I was already being treated. That was so different. I still didn't love the newborn stage but I really didn't hate it or have the same level of anxiety. I was so much more relaxed. Hang in there. You can do this, and all you have to do is survive each day.

Is it also normal for her not to go down till fairly late at night? I’m struggling to get any kind of sleep in bed when she does go down until around 1 in the morning.. I’ve been completely unsuccessful in anything before this time xx

You’re doing brilliantly. I remember an older parent once told me, no one has this figured out, not you, not the baby, and not all the other new mums. Really helped me.

I took every bit of help offered by family, because they gave it with love and not judgement.

Control what you can, which at this stage won’t be much.

It gets easier.

Yes, totally normal. Mine would finish their evening cluster feeds anywhere between like 9pm and 1am and do a few hours then. It was very random but I'd say ok average was usually between 10pm and midnight. So yes, late.

Okay this is good to know! When does it get easier to manage and get more of a handle on what time suits you rather than baby for feeds and bedtime? Xx

I just wanted to chime in and echo others.

When I had my first, I hated the newborn phase and felt terror as the nights drew in. I genuinely worried we had made a massive mistake having a baby.

It’s ok to not like the newborn phase, it’s ok to hate it, it’s ok to not love the entire baby phase (i didn’t!) BUT that doesn’t mean you don’t love your child.

As others have said, it gets easier with each interaction-the first smile, the first staring into your eyes, the first giggle… they give a little just when you’re at breaking point I find 😂.

Some things I wish I’d said to myself in hindsight
-Do whatever it takes to make life easier for you. As long as you’re following any safety advice… co sleep, go out/stay in, bottle feed/breast feed etc. Don’t worry about what ANYONE else is doing. Just what works for you
-It takes a village and lean on them..heavily! I happily let others bottle feed my first as it meant he wasn’t so stuck to me and I knew I was struggling. I took a few hours to myself here and there in those first few weeks, knowing he was with people who loved him. It made me not go mad! I even managed a solo cinema trip at 4 weeks and just slept through the film!
-There is no ‘bad habit’ that you use now that can’t be undone at a later date. Dummy? Rock to sleep? White noise? Throw everything at it and know that once you’re in that routine (which won’t be for MONTHS) you free up headspace to undo it should you want to.
-It won’t put you off number 2 (if you want more!). I genuinely worried that our dream of two kids wouldn’t happen but I actually found my second a breeze as I went into it knowing I wouldn’t like it, but also that it was a phase and then the really good stuff would come!

Also be assured that not doing everything won’t mean you’re causing any attachment issues. As long as they are loved by you, they give it back. I really worried about this with my first as I did rely on others so much and thought that by not being full ‘mother earth’ he would somehow know. But he is the biggest Mummies boy ever. I’ve just tucked him in (age 6) and he said he loves me a million trillion billion and his heart is so full.

I wish I could tell that to the bitch of a midwife who warned me tha not breastfeeding would lead to issues with attachment!!

You are doing great!! (And sorry that got a bit cathartic at the end!!)

I started putting my first down in the evening from around 10/12 weeks, I would go to bed at the same time. It took a while to get into a routine but at around 6 months moved her into her own room as we were disturbing her so then it was put down & leave her to sleep with the monitor on.

I think once you can get your evenings back it does help a lot.

We were always led by our babies tbh and they've all had their own individual habits. Id say by around 3 months they all started to have a vague pattern for their night sleep (most of the time). My DC1 would 'go to bed' late still, around 10 or 11pm but then usually sleep through until about 6 which was blissful. DC2 and DC3 both wanted to 'go to bed' much earlier, around 8pm, it was like they picked up on the older children's routines. However they both woke in the night, DC2 woke up twice a night usually and DC3 was up and down all night like a yo-yo, still is at 1! They all have their own personalities.

My baby is 9 weeks old and weeks 1-4 were spent in a very similar fashion. He wouldn’t settle until gone 11:30 some nights and would wake every 1.5-2 hours. My husband and I took shifts downstairs from 8:30-11:30, so the other could get some sleep while baby was settled downstairs.
I used to get anxious from around 6pm, wondering what the night would be like. I’d feel sick with the thought of baby disturbing the neighbours (who have been nothing but lovely about him)! Everyone told me that it would get better and I didn’t believe them, but it has. The best advice I got was to expose baby to lots of natural light in the day, so making sure curtains and blinds are open and getting out for walks. When he started recognising night and day, things got so much easier. Hang in there!