Lady yelled at my son, I feel like the worst mom in the world

[YourBoldCoralDog]

Hi everyone.

As background, my dad has been in the hospital for a month. He’s improving but slowly, and I go every day since my mom isn’t up to being able to follow what the doctors are saying. On Friday he was having a hard day, and my son (5) came with me because he was off school. My husband’s job has also been doing layoffs recently and there was going to be another round that day.

We left the hospital at 1pm - both of us were hungry and my son was restless. We went to a place right by the hospital since the hospital cafeteria area was very busy. Soon after we sat down, my husband called with the news he’s not being laid off but his hours are being cut and was trying to explain it to me. As I was talking to him, but son was up from his chair and playing around the table. By the time I got off the phone, he was running around.

I know this was a total mom fail, and I should’ve intercepted him sooner. But by the time I got up to do so, he’d tripped and knocked a woman’s pasta into her lap. She was probably 25ish, alone and having a glass of wine with lunch while she was reading. My son started crying immediately, and she exploded at him - her immediate reaction to it was to say “what the fuck”. When he started to cry she told him to get away from her and to go sit down like he should have been in the first place; he just stood there frozen and she said he was a brat who was acting like an animal. I rushed over and said I was so sorry but I didn’t appreciate her cussing at and insulting my son, and she said she didn’t appreciate having her lunch dumped in her lap because I’m “too lazy to watch my kid”, and she said something like she wouldn’t have had to say a word to him if I was doing my job.

I was starting to quietly cry too and the manager came up and said she was having our food packed and ushered me away. The staff was quite cold to me as I was paying for my takeaway, and I could see they were apologizing to the lady. I keep having flashbacks to this and feel ashamed at how my son acted, but also about how he saw I didn’t stand up for him in the moment as someone insulted him. Just having a rough time and feeling like a bad mom.

I would have been the same! If you know your kid isn’t going to sit for a meal go to McDonald’s!! You ruined that lady’s day. I hope she got a fresh meal!

Wow, the cruel and nasty responses on here. She said she felt bad enough!

You were having a bad day and didn't parent your son for a few minutes, that doesn't make you a bad mum.

However, from the woman's perspective, an out of control child tipped a bowl of food into her lap, ruining her meal, her clothes and quite possibly burning her as well.

From the perspective of the staff, you brought a misbehaved child into their establishment who disturbed other customers.

You made a mistake in telling the woman to stop telling your son off. You should have been apologising profusely to her and to the staff, and offering to pay for a new meal and for dry cleaning. She's right, she shouldn't have had to say anything to him and once it had got to that point you didn't have the right to tell her she wasn't doing it the right way.

@LakeGeneva1

she said she felt bad she didn’t “stick up” for her son.

She really doesn't. If she did feel bad enough, the poor woman would have received an apology at the very least.

I doubt OP paid for the lady’s meal or dry cleaning given she mentioned her husband lost his hours.

It doesn't sound like you offered to buy her a replacement meal and glass of wine.

The only acceptable response from you here was to immediately do this and apologise.

You were really rude if you didn't.

Yes, that's my impression too and it's not really on. For all she knows, the woman who got a bowl of pasta in her lap is also on a low income or having a bad time and now it's down to her to pay for OP's mistake.

Not to mention the restaurant who probably felt obliged to comp her meal.

I don't think OP is a bad mum but it is worrying that considering how many people were inconvenienced her first concern is defending her son. I try to parent my daughter as gently as possible most of the time but I am also aware that if I haven't taught her properly how to behave someone else will and it will probably be a much harder lesson. The only way you can control that is by teaching them first yourself and if your way doesn't work then you can't complain that you don't like someone else's way.

By 5, OP's son should know not to run around a restaurant so the failing wasn't just in the moment but all the other times she could have taught him better.

As someone who worked in hospitality for over 10 years, I can tell you—consider yourself lucky it was just yelling. I’ve served hot food and drinks countless times when a child suddenly ran out of nowhere. The only thing I could do was make sure I didn’t drop anything on them. I really CAN NOT stand kids being left to run loose in restaurants, cafeterias, or bars. A hot plate could have seriously hurt your child—so honestly, this was the best possible outcome.

that sucks and its sounds like you are having a hard time, conversely this women was at lunch possibly in the middle of a workday and has to now get home in wet sauce covered clothes...

You messed up and apologised, hopefully your DS has learnt the lesson about running around in restaurants. you'll both be fine. no need to cry or dwell on it.

This.

At his age he should know to not run around inside, (unless it’s indoor sport or something), so this shouldn’t have happened. If your son is incapable of behaving appropriately, you should be aware of that, and bought a takeaway and eaten somewhere outside where he could run around.

So, yes, this was bad parenting. Your child caused unnecessary distress to someone through your actions. Your backstory is irrelevant.

Hopefully you make better choices in future.

I didn’t see any real sympathy for the poor lady that had her lunch all down her. She feels bad for herself, for being made to feel like “a bad mum” and for her son who get yelled at. She needs to redirect this outward and take the criticism on this occasion. No one is saying she is a bad mum, in fact everyone has assured her it was just a bad parenting moment, something every parent has.

This is something OP needs to take on the chin and grow from.

also if your child runs when not supervised and you need to take a call, sit them on your lap or clamp them between your legs. OR your husband, the person you live with, can tell you when he gets home.

Omg given she had pasta in her lap that reaction was fairy restrained!

Obviously it’s a one off so don’t beat yourself up about it.

At the end of the day she’s seen a child who is old enough to know better and a mum who is ignoring the chaos he is causing. So her reaction is pretty fair.

but obviously you know there was a lot more going on.

It sounds like you are stressed, tired, distracted and this was a blip, not the norm.
You will have to accept the ladies perspective, she doesnt know any of the background. All she knows is she sat down for lunch and it ended up in her lap. She might have just came from the hospital after some bad news herself and reacted in an exteme way, or might have been off to a job interview after being laid off herself and her dress was ruined. You just dont know and neither does she as it was a moment in passing.
You already know what you could have done differently, i am sure at a less stressed and tired time you would have been prepared with snacks, or not taken the call in a busy restaurant. The fact you did that time doesnt make you a bad parent or person.

No she does not sound like an awful person, learn some empathy and stop the virtual signalling!

She was reading a book - it's there in the OP. It's also not her job to look out for unsupervised children wildly running around a restaurant who might career into her table. People who think it's fine for kids (or even worse, that it's 'natural') to do this are just raising future problems - children who will grow into adults who think nothing of inconveniencing others with their antisocial and rude behaviour.

Honestly.

From the woman's POV - she sat down for a quiet lunch with a book - goodness knows what is going on for her in her life, but the very least she deserved was to enjoy her meal in peace, she wasn't interfering with anyone else. What she got was a plate of hot food suddenly dumped into her lap, and then a child start wailing at her table with no parent in sight. Then a non-apology when the mother turns up and a 'telling off' for having the temerity to act in response to a stressful and possibly painful situation. By the sounds of it the woman could have been financially disadvantaged and possibly injured by this situation which AGAIN FOR THOSE WHO ARE HARD OF THINKING she did not bring upon herself in any way, shape or form. She went out for a quiet lunch and to read her book.

It was not an accident - unless you think that people texting on their phones and then rear-ending other cars are accidents? They are avoidable incidents if people only took responsibility for themselves and/or their children. No wonder the social contract is broken - the entitlement of some people is off the scale.

I feel for the restaurant staff, I imagine they had to sort out the mess because those responsible did not, so am not surprised that OP was given takeaway and then bundled out because they then had to do the apologising and make redress. People complain when restaurants are not child-friendly... this is why.

OK, well, well done you for digging your heels in instead of listening to reason! You really showed me!

By the time I got off the phone, he was running around.

But this is the problem imo.

Couldn't you have told your husband that you needed to go after he'd told you the important bits?

It didn't need explaining there & then.

It was not an accident -

Exactly. It was a completely avoidable incident caused 100% by the OP paying more attention to her phone than her child.

The OP didn't even apologise. If the woman was wearing anything made of cotton, silk, wool, linen or viscose it's probably ruined as the pasta sauce and oil or butter in it will have seeped in to the material.

I always think about cultural differences when I read these po-faced replies on threads about kids' behaviour.

Having spent time living in Spain and Italy, I totally agree. They really love children, that means loving normal childhood behaviour. Of course they are guided, but kindly. I taught EFL to teens from those countries, and others, and yes, they seemed to have great family relationships. I remember someone getting angry at a Spanish teen who did something daft, squirting shaving foam at other kids or such. The Spanish adult with them gently explained it was 'el edad del pavo'. I so loved that and hope to hold it in mind for when my pre-schooler reaches their teens.

The old Victorian ethos of 'children should be seen but not heard' looms large still in the UK, especially on MN. It's so sad, and it produces adults with very little empathy, as is evident here.

What a load of nonsense.

The old Victorian ethos of 'children should be seen but not heard' looms large still in the UK, especially on MN. It's so sad, and it produces adults with very little empathy, as is evident here.

I tend to find my empathy disappears when someone’s unsupervised child tips my lunch into my lap.

The old Victorian ethos of 'children should be seen but not heard' looms large still in the UK

There's a difference between seen & not heard & being allowed to run around in a cafe which is not only annoying but dangerous.

Watch out, the governess has arrived!