Teen twin wants a party that her twin is not invited to

[yeahwhatev]

This is hypothetical at the moment as we haven't agreed to it. But my twin daughter (soon to be 15) wants a house party next summer and is imagining all the details of this, including over 60 invited (no way), but more hurtfully that it doesn't include her twin brother or his friends. If they weren't twins maybe there wouldn't be the same tension around this but I find it sad and also a reflection of the kind of awful high school popularity contest dynamics, which I understand is something of an obsession at that age, but having twins just makes it all the more obviously mean and exclusive. I find myself becoming angry and to be honest worried that this is part of her personality, and then I check myself and think it's just her age, and hopefully one day she won't act like this towards her own twin. But what to do? Just say no to the party? When they were growing up they had big joint twin birthday parties which they both look back on with fondness, they were so fun, and everyone was invited.

I'm afraid she sounds like a bully. It sounds as though she and her gang bully other groups who she feels don't belong in school. I bet your son will have longer lasting relationships with his friends. There is absolutely no way I would let her have a party anyway but particularly not given how spiteful she is.

We allowed all our teens to have big parties in the garden (discouraged the house bit) with alcohol but the deal was that we were there. Not getting in the way, but we would be around. No way was I going to let random teenagers loose in our property without us there. After the initial pouting, when they realised there was no negotiation, it was fine. They still had a good time and we kept an eye and made sure the house didn’t get wrecked and neither did the kids.

The main thing is though, your son lives there. She can’t kick him out. So that’s the deal. Take it or leave it. And like my kids, once they knew it was party with parents, or no party without, she will capitulate. And it’ll be fine.

Nice idea in theory but won’t there be some overlap between the social groups which would force friends to choose? I think separate parties would have to be on different days. Which sounds like extra work but might be worth it. One twin could have eg the Saturday before the birthday, the other one the Friday after it.

My daughter had a party her twin brother wasn’t invited to at 17. He wouldn’t have wanted to come anyway, it was all girls. We went out for a pizza to give them space. Totally normal. We had about 25/30 though, 60 is too many.

You have to accept they are different people, and will want to do things separately. Fond memories of childhood are just that, fond memories.
The easiest solution is not to allow it at all- she can get a job and pay for a venue if she is that keen.