Teen twin wants a party that her twin is not invited to

[yeahwhatev]

This is hypothetical at the moment as we haven't agreed to it. But my twin daughter (soon to be 15) wants a house party next summer and is imagining all the details of this, including over 60 invited (no way), but more hurtfully that it doesn't include her twin brother or his friends. If they weren't twins maybe there wouldn't be the same tension around this but I find it sad and also a reflection of the kind of awful high school popularity contest dynamics, which I understand is something of an obsession at that age, but having twins just makes it all the more obviously mean and exclusive. I find myself becoming angry and to be honest worried that this is part of her personality, and then I check myself and think it's just her age, and hopefully one day she won't act like this towards her own twin. But what to do? Just say no to the party? When they were growing up they had big joint twin birthday parties which they both look back on with fondness, they were so fun, and everyone was invited.

I think this is an easy one. You'd be utterly insane to allow 40+ 15 yr olds to have a (mostly unsupervised) alcohol fuelled house party in your home, so the answer is "no, absolutely not". This rather fortuitously resolves the problem of her twin not being invited.

If half the invitees are boys in his own year group, I think it would seem really weird that your son wasn't there. It would surely raise questions among the attendees, and potentially set him up to be teased or bullied at school?

I suspect that the damage is done though. Just the fact that she's voiced that she doesn't want him there will already have caused significant hurt.

Honestly, I think I'd just say no to the party. 15 is way too young to have this kind of house party, with parents banished upstairs. Given that they're all 'the cool kids', and 60 of them, it's very likely to end in disaster.

Just say no, but don't make her brother the reason.

Yes you are right. I totally agree!!!! So the issue of whether her brother is invited or not is not relevant, the answer is just no to the party itself. BUT a few of her friends are starting to have parties, so I think the request is going to grow and grow....

This.would you stop ds from having what he wants and make sure she's prioritised with his birthday?

This. No party of that size ever goes smoothly. I’d say 10-12 maximum. The only kids I’ve ever known who’ve had parties that size are because they want to look popular, not because they actually have that many friends.

They have had separate birthday parties for last 5 years. The issue is this proposed massive house party (not on birthday) to which half the year are invited but not her twin brother or his friends because they are not in the 'in crowd'.

She can have a much smaller party, her brother doesn’t have to be there. I think you need to get used to the idea that they very probably will grow apart the older they get. He can do whatever he wants to do too, you just have to decide who gets to do whatever and when.

Absolutely no way on God's earth would i have a party with more than 20 (and that's overly generous) 15 to 16 year olds. Especially not the "popular" kids.
I get its hard about the twin thing, but I would down play that. 2 of mine are a year apart and they won't have been in the same room at 15/16 at 19/20 they are going to the pub together.

That's a completely crazy amount of 15year olds to invite to your house. A recipe for an absolute disaster. I'd shut the conversation down now.

When my dc reached house party age, part of the deal was they had to allow their sibling there plus the sibling could invite a friend. They did partly have joint friends which helped and in return for this cooperation I went to the local pub with the dog out of the way. Had no issues with damage or excessive noise

#meangirls

I wouldn’t allow my child to haze my other child - it isn’t about separate parties as you and others have said.

Thanks for this, yes I think I need to let go of them not hanging out together. They were just so close growing up. It's good to hear that similar with your kids and that they're now going to the pub together, that's lovely.

I also agree with everyone that the whole idea of the party with 40+ 15 year olds is madness and needs to be shut down. Nightmare. But some kids seem to be doing this now and that creates a 'so and so was allowed to...' but yes basically I agree. Maybe in a couple of years when they've all grown up a bit.

Taking aside the twin thing the house party would be a no from me. Just no, for so many reasons and I think you need to stop being pressured by her

but you don’t make her sound very nice either

So and so being allowed to means nothing. You have your parenting boundaries so stick with them

and let’s face it who is allowing 60 kids to have a party in their house. Not many (if any)

It’s his house, so of course he can be present at the party! You can’t banish him from his home!

Yes she can request every year but you don’t have to agree. I would not allow my child to attend that sort of party until older. Sadly one my colleagues son attended a party after GCSEs where a lad was stabbed to death. This was in nice suburbs as well. When I was a student, someone brought a gun to one of our parties. Do you really want that sort of hassle?

My twins were a bit like this same sex but one always out and loved partying, very popular and the other quieter and nerdy. Now they are a bit older they get on really well but still have quite different social lives.

Firstly I’d not allow a party like that at 15. We are a big party house and have had many a teen party over the years but not that many - certainly not at 15. I’d say 20 at most but even that is a lot.

I’d also not allow a sibling - particularly a twin to be banned- but I’d respect that one twin might not want to be part of the party and allow them to be elsewhere or stay in their room.

Just because so and so is allowed to, doesn’t mean you have to.
I wouldn’t consider it in a couple of years either - at 15 it’ll just be alcohol, by 17/18, and with 60 kids, there absolutely WILL be at least one or more bringing drugs in.

I agree it's not nice of her, and that upsets me, but I hope it's just a phase that she's in.

Separate events for their birthdays- fine, but unless it’s something the other wouldn’t want to do or gender specific they should include each other.

As my DM said to me (many, many times) - "if they all threw themselves off a cliff, would you do it too?" 😂

If other people want to host teen parties, then they're a braver soul than I. I wouldn't be keen on a big summer party for teens in my house - quite aside from any of the other issues.

I also have boy/girl twins - who are 15 years old. I hear you 😂 It does get difficult as they get older and it's not the same as having kids close in age. Not at all. WIth twins, you have two children who are not only sharing their actual birthday, they're also turning the same age at the same time. And if they are following different paths it can be really hard if one feels a bit left behind.

I wouldn't entertain any activity in the home that excludes one of them. To my mind, your home should be your sanctuary, your safe place. Having hordes of kids who aren't particularly nice to you at school in your home at an event you're not allowed to attend - absolutely not.

You say you've had separate parties for the last five years - presumably outside the home? Just carry on with doing that. Your DD will survive without being the host of a big party, even if she grumbles about it a bit. Important though that you don't blame it on her twin brother or else you risk resentment developing.

Thanks, it's good to hear your experience and everything you say here makes sense.

Just no. Dont make it about the twin brother. You’re not having 60 drunk kids in your house and being confined to your bedroom. End of.

When she reaches mature enough to not be embarrassed of her family then maybe she can have a summer do. By which stage it’s unlikely to be 60 people let alone in your house.

I don’t know. If they were siblings not twins would it be ok? If one of my older teen DC wanted a party at home with friends I wouldn’t expect them to invite their siblings.

They don’t need to do everything together- they are individuals.

I think you're on the right track trying to separate this out.

Say a flat no to the big house party, and certainly no to anything involving drinking. Yes, a minority of parents will allow their teens to throw those parties, but you don't have to be one of them. This is actually an opportunity for you to model resisting peer pressure to do something you're not comfortable with - maybe all the cool parents allow do parties but you're still going to make the choice that works for your family.

Lay out the options available to both of your teens, including budget, a timeframe, maximum guests at the house, and the amount of required adult supervision. And give them each the same options for during their sibling's party if their sibling chooses to have friends at the house: make plans out of the house with your own friends or be home but make yourself reasonably scarce (to be clear, your DD needs to give her brother the same space she wants from him).

And then have a private conversation with your DD about how she speaks to and about others, including her brother. She can absolutely have her own social life independent of her brother but you're not raising a mean girl. She's old enough to understand conversations about choosing kinder, more respectful ways to advocate for herself.

I know you want them to be friends and like each other, I think every parent wants that for their kids. Remember that their current relationship isn't permanent and they're both going to change immensely over the next decade plus. Focus on avoiding letting resentments and hurt build during this stretch and there will be plenty of time and opportunity for them to re-build a friendship later.