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Original poster

Teen twin wants a party that her twin is not invited to

130 replies

yeahwhatev · 07/10/2025 20:35

This is hypothetical at the moment as we haven't agreed to it. But my twin daughter (soon to be 15) wants a house party next summer and is imagining all the details of this, including over 60 invited (no way), but more hurtfully that it doesn't include her twin brother or his friends. If they weren't twins maybe there wouldn't be the same tension around this but I find it sad and also a reflection of the kind of awful high school popularity contest dynamics, which I understand is something of an obsession at that age, but having twins just makes it all the more obviously mean and exclusive. I find myself becoming angry and to be honest worried that this is part of her personality, and then I check myself and think it's just her age, and hopefully one day she won't act like this towards her own twin. But what to do? Just say no to the party? When they were growing up they had big joint twin birthday parties which they both look back on with fondness, they were so fun, and everyone was invited.

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Tiswa · 07/10/2025 21:57

yeahwhatev · 07/10/2025 21:43

I agree it's not nice of her, and that upsets me, but I hope it's just a phase that she's in.

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I think you need to remember you are the parent and can say no

but yes imagine just is a phase

chilliheeler123 · 07/10/2025 21:57

I went to a few of those parties when I was 15 or 16 (most likely told my Mum I was elsewhere) and there is no way in hell I will ever host one like that at my house.

Drinking to the extent ambulances had to be called, sexual assault, drugs, criminal damage to name but a few things I can remember happening at those parties.

She can go bowling with a few of her pals 🎳

BoarBrush · 07/10/2025 22:00

I have dts (birthdays this week and having a joint party thankfully) and two older dds.

The eldest dd doesn't like the 2nd dd and this is something I can totally see her saying, but that absolutely would not happening in my house. She would get no party at all for being so self centred.

I can't imagine either of my twins being this vile to the other, high school next year so we'll see how that goes.

Me and older db had house parties alot, we always mixed with each others friends even if we were very different. Maybe that clouds my judgement. Oh and mum and dad were always invited to stay too 😂

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Original poster
yeahwhatev · 07/10/2025 22:05

SpidersAreShitheads · 07/10/2025 21:50

As my DM said to me (many, many times) - "if they all threw themselves off a cliff, would you do it too?" 😂

If other people want to host teen parties, then they're a braver soul than I. I wouldn't be keen on a big summer party for teens in my house - quite aside from any of the other issues.

I also have boy/girl twins - who are 15 years old. I hear you 😂 It does get difficult as they get older and it's not the same as having kids close in age. Not at all. WIth twins, you have two children who are not only sharing their actual birthday, they're also turning the same age at the same time. And if they are following different paths it can be really hard if one feels a bit left behind.

I wouldn't entertain any activity in the home that excludes one of them. To my mind, your home should be your sanctuary, your safe place. Having hordes of kids who aren't particularly nice to you at school in your home at an event you're not allowed to attend - absolutely not.

You say you've had separate parties for the last five years - presumably outside the home? Just carry on with doing that. Your DD will survive without being the host of a big party, even if she grumbles about it a bit. Important though that you don't blame it on her twin brother or else you risk resentment developing.

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This is also really helpful thanks. Even though they've always been different, they always got on well (and my son used to be more outgoing when they were younger, they kind of switched when they went to secondary school). We've always accepted them being different and love them for who they are, but it's still feels a bit hard if one is flourishing and the other isn't. Being a twin maybe makes it feel more obvious than with other siblings.

And you've hit the nail on the head with this: "I wouldn't entertain any activity in the home that excludes one of them. To my mind, your home should be your sanctuary, your safe place. Having hordes of kids who aren't particularly nice to you at school in your home at an event you're not allowed to attend - absolutely not."

And also on saying no to the party - will not make it about her brother, as you say could cause resentment, it's just the prospect of the party itself which is a mad idea full stop.

OP posts:
Luna6 · 07/10/2025 22:07

Just because other parents are stupid enough to let their kids have parties it doesn’t mean you have to follow suit.

Snugglemonkey · 07/10/2025 22:09

yeahwhatev · 07/10/2025 20:46

To be clear they haven't had joint birthday parties for years. The issue is that she is imagining this a massive house party to which lots of the year are invited, but not her twin brother who is not in the 'cool' group. There are two issues going on which are probably getting confused in my head - the nightmare of having a massive house party with 'at least 40' (she says) 15 year olds, drinking and puking and god knows what, but also that she is explicitly excluding her twin brother on the grounds that he and his friends are not cool enough to be invited to a party in his own house.

This I would absolutely not allow. A group of around 10 friends, fair enough. They can each have that and stay out of each others way. A big chunk of the year group, nope.

TheDenimPoet · 07/10/2025 22:09

Just imagine they were siblings, not twins. Imagine they didn't share a birthday. I don't think you'd genuinely expect each to invite the other to their parties. Maybe when they were small children, but 15? They will both be trying to make their own way in life without having to be stuck to their twin. Your best chance of them having a positive relationship in adulthood is actually to allow them to live as two separate people now.

My brother would never have invited HIS friends to MY birthday parties!

Original poster
yeahwhatev · 07/10/2025 22:11

chilliheeler123 · 07/10/2025 21:57

I went to a few of those parties when I was 15 or 16 (most likely told my Mum I was elsewhere) and there is no way in hell I will ever host one like that at my house.

Drinking to the extent ambulances had to be called, sexual assault, drugs, criminal damage to name but a few things I can remember happening at those parties.

She can go bowling with a few of her pals 🎳

omg

Bowling sounds great!!

OP posts:
Bonden · 07/10/2025 22:14

Of course she can have a party without inviting her twin. I have boy girl twins.

saraclara · 07/10/2025 22:18

And then have a private conversation with your DD about how she speaks to and about others, including her brother. She can absolutely have her own social life independent of her brother but you're not raising a mean girl. She's old enough to understand conversations about choosing kinder, more respectful ways to advocate for herself.

Absolutely that. It's hardly unusual for a 15 year old to not have a lot of empathy, but you really do have to make it clear to her that it's absolutely not on to be hurtful.

saraclara · 07/10/2025 22:18

Bonden · 07/10/2025 22:14

Of course she can have a party without inviting her twin. I have boy girl twins.

I'm going to guess that you haven't read the thread. Or even OP's posts.

Algen · 07/10/2025 22:22

tellyonita · 07/10/2025 20:39

I am with you OP. I am all for individuality and forging your own path but my DC would not be allowed a party to which their siblings and cousins were not invited. I don’t exclude family from big events under any circumstances.

You expect kids to invite cousins to their birthday parties? That’s very weird once they get past about 5.

Wifeofazombie · 07/10/2025 22:25

They may be twins but they are also individual people with their own personality likes etc. Nothing wrong with your dd wanting a party of her own at all.

narcASD · 07/10/2025 22:25

She’s 15 and wants to be acknowledged separately from her twin on her birthday! I would be encouraging it.

My mum was an identical twin and she always celebrated with her twin as they had the same circle of friends, with your two being different sexes I’d imagine at this age they don’t have the same friends or interests.

I certainly wouldn’t not let her celebrate how she wants just because she’s a twin.

DinaofCloud9 · 07/10/2025 22:26

Having a party out of the house then fine no brother invited. A party in the house then brother would be there.

He can't be kicked out of his own house. Surely she can see this.

Crackerjackscrack · 07/10/2025 22:30

Aww this is tricky, I think OP you’re just trying to protect your sons feelings as by the sounds of it he wouldn’t have the opportunity to have a big party like that as he doesn’t have the friend group to fill it
i guess the first thing to do is check with yourself that you’re not projecting your own feelings onto this when in fact your son doesn’t care / doesn’t want a party like that of his own
it’s kind of punishing your daughter to try and compensate for what you feel your son is missing out on
maybe ask your son to design his dream party and make that happen then your daughter can have hers too and everyone gets a bit of what they want z

Original poster
yeahwhatev · 07/10/2025 22:38

FlockofSquirrels · 07/10/2025 21:56

I think you're on the right track trying to separate this out.

Say a flat no to the big house party, and certainly no to anything involving drinking. Yes, a minority of parents will allow their teens to throw those parties, but you don't have to be one of them. This is actually an opportunity for you to model resisting peer pressure to do something you're not comfortable with - maybe all the cool parents allow do parties but you're still going to make the choice that works for your family.

Lay out the options available to both of your teens, including budget, a timeframe, maximum guests at the house, and the amount of required adult supervision. And give them each the same options for during their sibling's party if their sibling chooses to have friends at the house: make plans out of the house with your own friends or be home but make yourself reasonably scarce (to be clear, your DD needs to give her brother the same space she wants from him).

And then have a private conversation with your DD about how she speaks to and about others, including her brother. She can absolutely have her own social life independent of her brother but you're not raising a mean girl. She's old enough to understand conversations about choosing kinder, more respectful ways to advocate for herself.

I know you want them to be friends and like each other, I think every parent wants that for their kids. Remember that their current relationship isn't permanent and they're both going to change immensely over the next decade plus. Focus on avoiding letting resentments and hurt build during this stretch and there will be plenty of time and opportunity for them to re-build a friendship later.

Thanks, agree with all this. Regardless of the party (which is not happening) I think I will speak to her about the way she spoke to her brother tonight about him not being included, it is mean, and she's normalised it in her head with this idea that they don't have to be in the same friend group. But I agree it's more than that, it's unkind, and that's what has upset me about it.

I also agree that things change, it's probably unusual to hang out at this age as they're so different and always have been, but hopefully they'll have a friendship when they're older. Even now they still get on and have a laugh sometimes.

OP posts:
Frenchiex · 07/10/2025 22:41

I’ve got G/B twins although they are younger than yours. I’d let her have her own party if you feel inclined to but elsewhere as I don’t think it’s fair for your DS to feel excluded in his own home.

ChickpeaCauliflowerSalad · 07/10/2025 22:46

yeahwhatev · 07/10/2025 22:11

omg

Bowling sounds great!!

Show quote history

Then you go bowling!

she wants a summer party, not to go bowling 🙄🙇🏻‍♀️

But at her age the answer would be 🤣🤣🤣no way.

id have no issue with DS spending the night at his mate's or a family member. His Sister is entitled to have some space of her own.

but it's hypothetical because she wouldn't be having a big party here, st her age. It's asking for all kinds of trouble

GameWheelsAlarm · 07/10/2025 22:47

If I'd had to share every birthday party of my life with my brother I woukd be desperate for a solo party by age 15!

However, she can't hold a party in the house that is her brother's home without inviting him.

You can give them each the same budget to celebrate on the same night with their own friends, but neither of them can use your house for it.

BruisedNeckMeat · 07/10/2025 22:49

I have B/G twins who are 17 now and no way would this happen in our house.

Lots of PP are saying ‘if they weren’t twins….etc’ well, they are twins. There are some great things about having a twin and some slightly sucky things too. That’s the hand you’ve been dealt and that’s what we have to work with. Excluding your brother because he’s not cool enough would not be okay. They aren’t like close in age siblings because they share the same year group at school.

My DTs are in no way joined at the hip. They are completely separate people who have their own interests, friends and social lives but this kind of event would have to include them both.

OP my two drifted apart during early/mid teens but have really got close again now. They actually had a big, joint party for the first time in years for their 17th and it was lovely.

TeenLifeMum · 07/10/2025 22:50

My twins (14) have had separate birthday sleep overs with 4 friends each as they have different friend groups. They did them on different weekends this year but agreed in advance what the other dtd could join with and when she would leave them to it. They are identical girls but I’m keen for them to be independent. I think the ask is reasonable - except 60 people; that would be a no from me.

Househassles · 07/10/2025 22:52

Would he even want to attend? If so, then ...

IF you otherwise would agree to the party, consider giving her options (1) to plan a joint party with her brother (each gets an equal number of guests, but if she has more friends she can make him an offer to get him to yield some spots to her) or (2) not to have the party at all. Even if you allow her to have the party on her own and she decides on the whole guest list, she can't keep him out as it's his house too. And if he happens to have a guest or two over at the same time as the party, she can't keep them out either.

Remaker · 07/10/2025 23:02

I think a lot of responses have ignored the mean girl aspect of this request and I completely agree that allowing a large group of kids who don’t treat your DS well into his home is a bad idea. As is a large house party for 15yos (which you already know!)

I don’t have twins but G/B siblings a year apart. At 14/15/16 they didn’t do anything together willingly. By the time the eldest turned 18 she invited DS and a couple of his friends to her party. He’s about to turn 18 and DD19 and a group of her friends will be there. When we suggested a family holiday his first question was whether she was coming as that ‘would make it fun.’ So there is hope for the future.

Original poster
yeahwhatev · 07/10/2025 23:05

ChickpeaCauliflowerSalad · 07/10/2025 22:46

Then you go bowling!

she wants a summer party, not to go bowling 🙄🙇🏻‍♀️

But at her age the answer would be 🤣🤣🤣no way.

id have no issue with DS spending the night at his mate's or a family member. His Sister is entitled to have some space of her own.

but it's hypothetical because she wouldn't be having a big party here, st her age. It's asking for all kinds of trouble

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Yes the bowling was tongue in cheek - was responding to post about teen parties that end up with ambulances, sexual assault and criminal damage.

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