Teen twin wants a party that her twin is not invited to

[yeahwhatev]

This is hypothetical at the moment as we haven't agreed to it. But my twin daughter (soon to be 15) wants a house party next summer and is imagining all the details of this, including over 60 invited (no way), but more hurtfully that it doesn't include her twin brother or his friends. If they weren't twins maybe there wouldn't be the same tension around this but I find it sad and also a reflection of the kind of awful high school popularity contest dynamics, which I understand is something of an obsession at that age, but having twins just makes it all the more obviously mean and exclusive. I find myself becoming angry and to be honest worried that this is part of her personality, and then I check myself and think it's just her age, and hopefully one day she won't act like this towards her own twin. But what to do? Just say no to the party? When they were growing up they had big joint twin birthday parties which they both look back on with fondness, they were so fun, and everyone was invited.

Twins don’t have to always do things together. I think it is fine for there to be two separate parties as long as one twin doesn’t get twice the budget of the other. And it might be easier if both parties were outside the home.

I’d say yes, if she wants a big party then her brother and a few of his friends get to come. It doesn’t have to be a joint party, I’d consider if one wants to express individuality, they should be allowed to- but if it’s a party where lots of the year are invited, absolutely their sibling and a few of their friends have to be invited and welcomed.

Sounds like a perfectly good request, she has him all the rest of the time and you pushing the twin thing lots of twins don’t actually like each other.

Tell her she can have her own party with her own friends but not 60 people.
Maybe up to 15 maximum.
If her twin wants to do the same with his friends then he can.
Toss a coin if they can't agree on who has the party on what day.
Rules are they each stay out the way when the other ones party is on and be respectful of each others party choices.
If she can't agree to that - then simply no party at all.

I am with you OP. I am all for individuality and forging your own path but my DC would not be allowed a party to which their siblings and cousins were not invited. I don’t exclude family from big events under any circumstances.

Oh wow you’re so unreasonable! She is allowed to have a different friendship group from her brother - given they’re different sexes it would be very unusual if they did joint anything at their age.

I agree about not having 60 invitees though!

I would limit the numbers but would let her have a separate party from her twin

This. ^

@yeahwhatev Your daughter is very likely fed up of always having to do things with her brother/share everything etc etc... She wants her own identity and she deserves it. 60 people for a 15 y.o. birthday party is bonkers though. Maximum 20. But yes, she needs this. Let her have her own party. Your son (her twin) can have his own, or do something for the birthday - bowling or paintball or something.

I wouldn’t let my twins do this. Tbh I wouldn’t allow my singletons to essentially boot siblings from the house for the duration of their party either.

They can have a party outside of home for their friends and not invite twin but not at home.

To be clear they haven't had joint birthday parties for years. The issue is that she is imagining this a massive house party to which lots of the year are invited, but not her twin brother who is not in the 'cool' group. There are two issues going on which are probably getting confused in my head - the nightmare of having a massive house party with 'at least 40' (she says) 15 year olds, drinking and puking and god knows what, but also that she is explicitly excluding her twin brother on the grounds that he and his friends are not cool enough to be invited to a party in his own house.

Letting them have their own party - fine.
Letting them choose who they invite - fine.

But when the party is in the family home you can't exclude people who live there!

I'd say she can have a party just her friends but smaller scale and budget, and out of the house, and other twin gets the same budget and options.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to allow a party for 60 people in your son’s own home, potentially on his own birthday, that he isn’t invited to. That’s going to make him feel awful.

Would he actually want to attend and why? Because it’s fine to have an ‘in crowd’ kid and a ‘nerd herd’ kid who coexist and don’t hang out. Sounds like he has friends of his own.

She can’t ban him from the house. And if he has friends over and they are there, she can’t ban them either. But specifically invited, why?

I think it’s very unreasonable not to let your daughter have a separate party from her brother. They might be twins but they are entitled to separate lives. At 15, the last thing she and her friends will want is a group of boys the same age! But I would either hire a venue and let her invite 50 people or if she insists on it being at home, I would restrict it to a maximum of 15 a and make sure that you don’t go out and leave them on their own! Whatever you agree for your daughter, you have to let your son do something similar.

You can't have a house party where one of your children is excluded from their own home. Absolutely not. I personally wouldn't want 10 teenagers in my home unsupervised. If she wants a birthday party then she needs to invite 10 of her nearest and dearest to bowling or something. They let your son do something just his friends.

Yeah this doesn’t sound like she wants her own space, it sounds that she wants her brother excluded from the party because hes not cool. I would be having a semi serious talk about why this is

Also it's not even a birthday party, she wants it in the summer to be able to use the garden as the house is too small otherwise. I of course don't expect them to have the same friendship group, and they haven't had a joint birthday party since they were 9, but a PP put her finger on it when it's about having a big house party that involves booting people who live there out of the house - made even worse because her brother is her twin and so in the same year as all these people🙁

I agree with others. Fine to have separate parties but not at the house if they involves someone having to leave their own home/room.

no way would have 40 teens in my house. Is she planning on kicking you out too??

few friends round maybe but brother (and you) stay in the house. Or a party elsewhere.

No he says he wouldn't want to attend and yes he's part of the 'nerd herd' (haven't heard this before!) and she's 'in crowd' as you say. He doesn't socialise much outside school but does have a group of friends. She's out the whole time. This is fine most of the time and they still get along pretty well - they just don't hang out together which is fine. But I think he does feel hurt when she's making it so obvious that she doesn't want him there (even though he doesn't want to be which I realise is contradictory) and that she's prioritising inviting people who probably make him feel not great about himself. It would involve boys - not just girls as someone said above. Half of them would be boys.

They have different friendship groups, that's fine no matter what it's based on. She'll only resent him more if you force him on her, you'd be shooting yourself in the foot there. Surely there's something else he'd rather be doing on his birthday that being ignored at her party anyway? I would not be letting her have anything like 60 kids though.

We (parents) would be allowed upstairs locked in our room apparently 😂

Ha ha ha! 🤣

Thanks for this twin perspective. They have had separate birthday parties at home before, but the rule has been not on actual birthday - so one has had one on the weekend before, the other weekend after if you see what I mean. But this isn't even a birthday party - it's a house party and atm it's just in her head but I suppose it's just brought up a bit of sadness in me, so it's helpful to hear all your perspectives. I think part of me probably does want them to be all hanging out together once in a while - even in their separate friend groups - which is a fantasy I admit (!!)

I would be putting my foot down firmly about the type of party she is imagining?
15 year olds drinking so much that they puke.
Erm....NO.
They're turning 15. Alcohol shouldn't be anywhere near a 15 year olds party (and presumably some attendees might still be 14).
Your discussion with her shouldn't be about whether her twin is there - but simply that a party like that will not be happening at her age.

At least 40 teenagers? Drinking? She is 15? Wouldn't she have friends under 16 attending?
It would be a no here.