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Original poster

17 year old DS wants to go abroad with girlfriend

86 replies

ROSEandIVY · 07/09/2025 05:18

My DS and his girlfriend have both just turned 17. They have known each other since September but only been dating for 3 months. They now want to go to her parents home in Spain alone. I have said no to him, which is causing difficulties between us. He doesn’t understand my reasons; he is a minor, there are no adults there if there is an emergency, I can’t just drive to him if something happens.
I have suggested if they get a group of friends, I will reconsider. If her parents were going, it would be different. But, he is 17 and anything could happen. Would you say yes or no in this situation?

OP posts:
AlllllllTheUsernames · 07/09/2025 05:25

I'd say no, and I'd get it in writing, and get him to sign underneath that he's understood and accepted.

My mother said no in very similar circs to my sister, they each rewrote history to suit their own side, and it caused a rift that lasted decades.

Newbutoldfather · 07/09/2025 05:31

What is your real concern here? Plenty of 17 year olds go on holiday quite happily.

A group of 17 year olds are still all 17, and you still couldn’t get out to help them. I would be far more concerned about risky behaviour in a group rather than a couple.

Spain is a very civilised and family oriented country, and lots of adults would help them were they really to get in trouble.

I wouldn’t personally have an issue with it provided they weren’t missing education.

PollyBell · 07/09/2025 05:33

No, as you said if her parenrs were going and ypu personally knew they were happy with it and were prepared to be responsible for them fine, if not he wants till he is 18

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Motheranddaughter · 07/09/2025 05:33

I would not have a problem with this

Viot · 07/09/2025 05:33

I have a 17 yr old son and I think that's too old to stop from doing something like this.

wherecanifindteabags · 07/09/2025 06:00

I’ve posted this before about a similar situation with my 17 year old DD. She asked to go abroad in the May with her 18 year old boyfriend who she’d known since the September before, so a similar time frame to your DS. I said no for similar reasons as you but said I’d be happy for her to go somewhere in the UK and would even contribute money to this.
She just booked it and went anyway. We have a great relationship and it was in no way an action of anger but she just did it anyway! She really calmly told me ‘thank you for your opinion but I am going anyway and I will be fine.’ And off she went. I agree with a PP that it is too old to stop them doing things like this now. You can’t be bloody getting him to sign something saying he’s not going away. Tell him your concerns and that you’d rather him not go, but after that it’s ultimately out of your hands.

ChuckaPan · 07/09/2025 06:02

I would be much happier about them going as a couple - they're just going to play house! Sounds to me a safe and perfect stepping stone to independence.

With a group there's definitely more possibility for hijinks.

I would let them go.

Donotgogentle · 07/09/2025 06:09

I wouldn’t even attempt to stop them.They’re 17 and it’s Spain. They’re nearly adults and this is a great way to learn independence and how to navigate the world.

Plenty of 18 year olds travel SE Asia alone, which has far greater challenges.

Are you concerned about sex, I notice you mention how long they’ve been together.

Donotgogentle · 07/09/2025 06:12

wherecanifindteabags · 07/09/2025 06:00

I’ve posted this before about a similar situation with my 17 year old DD. She asked to go abroad in the May with her 18 year old boyfriend who she’d known since the September before, so a similar time frame to your DS. I said no for similar reasons as you but said I’d be happy for her to go somewhere in the UK and would even contribute money to this.
She just booked it and went anyway. We have a great relationship and it was in no way an action of anger but she just did it anyway! She really calmly told me ‘thank you for your opinion but I am going anyway and I will be fine.’ And off she went. I agree with a PP that it is too old to stop them doing things like this now. You can’t be bloody getting him to sign something saying he’s not going away. Tell him your concerns and that you’d rather him not go, but after that it’s ultimately out of your hands.

Wow! She sounds quite impressive tbh.

That must have been a real crunch point in your relationship. How is it now if you don’t mind me asking?

citygirl77 · 07/09/2025 06:20

Tricky. But if you don’t let him go, be prepared that he will remember it for the rest of your life and he will throw it back at you when he is annoyed. Think of this, at 15, my Grandfather signed up for the war. He had to find his way to Northern Italy, all by himself. If your son is trustworthy, let him go.

wherecanifindteabags · 07/09/2025 06:26

Donotgogentle · 07/09/2025 06:12

Wow! She sounds quite impressive tbh.

That must have been a real crunch point in your relationship. How is it now if you don’t mind me asking?

Show quote history

Well we are ten years on and they’re actually married now, and have lived in about six different countries - when I look back, it was always going to go that way!

We are very close still. I empathise with OP as I am not naturally a relaxed and calm mother so I found it hard with a DD who was always quite independent. Past the age of 15 or so I really always tried to listen to her and discuss things in a more adult way rather than simply saying ‘I’m not letting you do this’ because I was well aware that she had a part time job, had money and was physically able of just going to do things anyway.

OP, if it helps she went anyway but she kept in really close contact whilst she was gone so when she came back I told her I’d really appreciated that. You could say the same to your son. I think it really fostered a sense of openness between us both, communicating worries and concerns but ultimately respecting the decision that she made.

Ilovelurchers · 07/09/2025 06:26

Apologies in advance if I sound harsh here, but I think you are infantilising him, which is likely to make him resent you very much (he must feel very humiliated) and is also likely to hamper his normal development into a capable, confident adult. As a teacher I deal with many infantilise young people and see the real struggles they face because of this parental inhibition of normal development, and I disapprove of it in the strongest possible sense - it's actually quite cruel i think.

If he isn't able, at 17, to travel safely to Spain with another person (who presumably knows the area as it is her parents' home), then you need quickly to start helping him develop the skills to do so. Because he certainly should be. What do you feel he will be unable to do/cope with?

And you talk about not being able to get there - what are these emergencies that you imagine will require your presence?

  • Medical emergencies are as likely to happen at any age - so will you never let him abroad without you?
- If you suspect he will get in legal trouble, you haven't bigger problems.
  • Unless he has MH issues I assume by this age he is capable of dealing with emotional pain without your immediate presence.

Please don't infantilise your son. You will make him hate you and also it's really wrong to intentionally inhibit age-appropriate freedom. I am sure you believe you are doing the right thing. But please rethink. Do you actually want to raise a child who at 17 is incapable of dealing with life out of close proximity to his mother? It's Spain, not travelling to the Amazon to meet undiscovered tribes people......

BrendaSmall · 07/09/2025 06:36

My youngest daughter went to Africa at 17 !
let him go or you’ll lose him, he’ll resent your decision for years to come

RoaRiRi · 07/09/2025 06:41

I’d be absolutely fine with that. It actually sounds lovely. He’s nearly an adult and what a lovely experience to have. Much better than a lads holiday.

RoaRiRi · 07/09/2025 06:46

…and sorry to be lewd but as a couple, they’ll just enjoy each other (!) and have day trips. A group will be much boozier and more of a party. As a couple, there is less chance anything might go wrong.

dizzydizzydizzy · 07/09/2025 06:51

I'm actually really impressed with your DS that he has the confidence to go abroad with just his girlfriend. My 21yo has just done a flight on their own (back to the UK) and they were very nervous even though they have spent their life travelling.

Shutupkeith · 07/09/2025 06:52

I would say yes as long as he was a sensible 17 year old. I honestly cannot see what is the difference between this and him being 18 tbh.

LoudSnoringDog · 07/09/2025 06:55

I wouldn’t have an issue with this. What “emergency” is he going to have that he wouldn’t be able to call on local authorities for and you could be there for easily in half a day?

cobrakaieaglefang · 07/09/2025 06:56

Does he have the funds to pay for it, or does he expect you to pay for it?

GreenAndWhiteStripes · 07/09/2025 06:59

When I was 17 I spent a month inter railing across Europe with a female friend.

PollyBell · 07/09/2025 07:02

To me it nothing about being sensible or trust just a simple case of in some cases it makes a difference legally between 17 and 18, to me its a fact

And if anything goes wrong the first thing a child will do is call their parents who have to sort it out for them and it may be easier to do it from a far when 18

Yes i am sure people will say it makes no difference

Magenta82 · 07/09/2025 07:07

You say he doesn't understand your reasoning, tbh neither do I. He is 17, it's a holiday for him and his girlfriend at a place she is familiar with. How would a group make things better?

Remingtonsteele · 07/09/2025 07:09

How do you actually intend to stop him if he decides to go anyway?

I honestly wouldn’t have a problem with this.

cryinglaughing · 07/09/2025 07:11

I wouldn't have a problem with this.
At 17 both my dd's had been working (apprenticeship) for a year, they were more than capable of navigating their way through an airport and to an onward destination and they did quite happily.

Thethingswedoforlove · 07/09/2025 07:15

it’s very hard to understand why you don’t want him to go. And even harder to understand how you think you have the right to say no unless he expects you to pay for it. Let him go with your blessing. I would be proud he was wanting to take the next steps towards independence. It will likely be a lot safer than a lads’ trip somewhere in terms of volumes of alcohol consumed and risks to safety from activities I would guess.

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