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Original poster

17 year old DS wants to go abroad with girlfriend

86 replies

ROSEandIVY · 07/09/2025 05:18

My DS and his girlfriend have both just turned 17. They have known each other since September but only been dating for 3 months. They now want to go to her parents home in Spain alone. I have said no to him, which is causing difficulties between us. He doesn’t understand my reasons; he is a minor, there are no adults there if there is an emergency, I can’t just drive to him if something happens.
I have suggested if they get a group of friends, I will reconsider. If her parents were going, it would be different. But, he is 17 and anything could happen. Would you say yes or no in this situation?

OP posts:
Pramfaceache · 07/09/2025 07:47

I have an 18 year old son who being an august baby when all his friends were 18 and going away, at 17 booked himself on holidays with them and just asked them to go the bar for him. I was worried but had some* faith that he wasn’t going to get himself into trouble. He’s been a few places now with his friends. No drama.
At 18 you can’t tell them no, if they want to go places, waste money, do drugs, whatever stupid shit they decide you can’t stop. You can make it difficult but can’t stop it. May as well start building the trust up at 17, let him feel as though you’re not infantilising him. It’s horrid though, giving your child independence when it’s doesn’t matter how old they are, you wish you were close enough always to be on hand for anything. But by not allowing him that independence, you are doing him a disservice.
Good luck x

*some, but not huge amounts.

13SixWeetabix · 07/09/2025 07:49

I understand op, I would feel the same. But I'd let them go and help them navigate the issues and niggles that come with new found independence. It's hard, but you can't make your anxieties their problem.

Fast forward 10 years, or even rewind and put yourself in the shoes of the 17 year old. How would this story best pan out....?

BestZebbie · 07/09/2025 07:50

This is easily old enough - I first went to Europe for a few nights with just a friend /no adults when I was 15, after our GCSEs.

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AlllllllTheUsernames · 07/09/2025 07:50

maxisback · 07/09/2025 07:16

You would get your son to sign saying he accepted you telling him he couldn’t do this? That's utter madness.

FWIW OP I would be happier with a 17 year old lad travelling to Spain with his girlfriend than I would a group of friends. I’m not sure why you would consider that but not this. They are far less likely to get up to silly stuff when it’s just the 2 of them. I would really support mine to do this though.

Show quote history

I expressed it poorly, sorry. What i meant was I'd have a written record of what i thought, and I'd get him to say he'd understood what I'd thought. If he then went anyway, ok, whatever, but on his head be the consequences.

It really depends a lot on the 17 year old whether it's a good idea. My original reaction of "no way" was based on my own experience of being 17, my DH's, and what my son will probably be like at 17. Thank heavens most people are more mature.

I'm very glad to read all the responses on here saying it'd be a good idea for him to go. I'm glad the world has moved on since the days of my mother and sister fighting constantly 35 years ago!

Zempy · 07/09/2025 07:51

I would be far happier with a couple going than a large group.

Based largely on my own group holidays aged 17!!!

It’s family accommodation, they will be as safe as if they were in UK living together.

DuchessofReality · 07/09/2025 07:53

Check out the requirements for unaccompanied minors entering and leaving Spain. He is likely to need a document giving your permission. My child travelled unaccompanied to Europe this year and was always questioned at borders.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 07/09/2025 07:56

Its only Spain, not Outer Mongolia.

I'm not sure how you think you could stop him from going anyway?

greengreyblue · 07/09/2025 07:57

Talk through what he needs:
help him find insurance, his Ghic card, a debit card that is free to use abroad( Nationwide has no fees) or discuss getting a post office travel card that he can load with a limited amount. This is how he learns and you guide him. These days with phones and Google maps and Google translate etc it’s so much easier. But make sure he packs his charger .

LoveHearts69 · 07/09/2025 08:01

Like PP said, I think they would be much safer in a couple than as a young group. Also if it’s her parents house I’m assuming she knows how to get there and knows the local area well, I’d definitely let them go if her parents are happy with it and just ask him to send you updates.

YourJoyousDenimExpert · 07/09/2025 08:03

I’d want to be sure the girlfriend has her parent’s permission to go. If so, I’d also want to check they ‘d factored in all the logistics. It’s actually a great opportunity for a first trip abroad without you as no risk the accommodation doesn’t exist!

PrimaniTu · 07/09/2025 08:06

You have to let him go. My 17 year old went abroad this summer with a friend to an EU country and all was well. They had a great time.

You have to trust your dc and give them the confidence to travel and see the world. I was really proud that my dc was able to travel abroad without me. He has travelled abroad loads as a child and went on lots of school trips abroad without us.

LegleEagle · 07/09/2025 08:10

I was at university in London at that age! Why on earth would you want to stop him? Is he young for his age or does he have special needs?

Woompund · 07/09/2025 08:11

I wouldn't have any issue with this to be honest.

Step5678 · 07/09/2025 08:17

Let him go OP. Not just that, but give him your blessing so he knows he can contact you if he needs to, without any concern of you saying I told you so.

Unless there's some backstory where he's proven himself to be irresponsible, what are you actually concerned about? The only possible concern I'd have is if they had an argument and she asked him to leave as it's her family home rather than somewhere neutral like a hotel. But in that scenario you'd want him to know what to do, pretty easy these days as he'll have Internet access and can find a hotel somewhere so just make sure he has access to money in case of emergencies.

It sounds lovely, I would encourage it.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 07/09/2025 08:20

I'd say yes. Your reasons for saying no don't really make any sense to me. In these days of video calls it doesn't really matter where you are, you can still get hold of mum and dad for advice. Like a pp said, it's not Outer Mongolia, it's just Spain.

Unlichtie · 07/09/2025 08:24

AlllllllTheUsernames · 07/09/2025 05:25

I'd say no, and I'd get it in writing, and get him to sign underneath that he's understood and accepted.

My mother said no in very similar circs to my sister, they each rewrote history to suit their own side, and it caused a rift that lasted decades.

WTF? 😂 this can't be serious

jollygoose · 07/09/2025 08:24

Of course he should be allowed to go if he can afford to pay for it. I think this generation are afraid to let their children grow up.

StaringAtTheWater · 07/09/2025 08:28

Posts like this utterly flummox me, as my first trip abroad alone was when I was 16 and I took my 14 year old sibling! (Granted, I was an unusually boring & sensible 16 year old)

Your son is 17. Shortly he will be an adult with the right to go anywhere in the world, without consulting you, no matter how dangerous. Yet you expect him to deal with that freedom and make sensible choices, when he's not even allowed to go to a safe European country for a few days with his girlfriend! It's too big a change - he should have gradually been getting more and more freedom during his teen years to prepare him for adulthood.

Ikeameatballs · 07/09/2025 08:41

How would you intend to prevent him going? Because actually I don’t think you can.

Far better to make sure he is well equipped in terms of insurance, knowledge about airports, how to access emergency services etc than to try to stop him and him go anyway without these things in place. Only actual barriers I can think of will be airline, you’ll have to do something to say he can travel, and making sure insurance is valid without an over 18 and if not shopping around to get something.

Original poster
ROSEandIVY · 07/09/2025 09:40

Thank you to each of you for your responses. It has helped tremendously. I will try to reply properly later.

To answer some queries, My DS is mature, sensible, has no mental health issues and doesn’t drink alcohol. He is familiar with travelling abroad.

He is my only child and we have a close relationship. But, this is creating a wedge between us. I don’t want him to resent me in the future.

I will think about this again and speak to my DS.

This is new territory for me and balancing my concerns versus his happiness has been difficult.

OP posts:
Funningitup · 07/09/2025 09:43

I would say it was a great opportunity. If it’s a family home you know it’s safe and the girlfriend will know the area. Low cost and a bit of an adventure. It isn’t an inherently dangerous thing at all and it’s a great way to build independence. Good for your relationship as that transitions to another stage too.

Jellyheadbang · 07/09/2025 09:44

This is well ott. Op you need to rethink this, he’s very close to legal adulthood and this decision could impact your relationship for a long time.
id perhaps have concerns if it was my kids but i wouldn’t try and stop it. I think you’re being disrespectful of him as a young adult.

Burningbud1981 · 07/09/2025 09:47

ROSEandIVY · 07/09/2025 09:40

Thank you to each of you for your responses. It has helped tremendously. I will try to reply properly later.

To answer some queries, My DS is mature, sensible, has no mental health issues and doesn’t drink alcohol. He is familiar with travelling abroad.

He is my only child and we have a close relationship. But, this is creating a wedge between us. I don’t want him to resent me in the future.

I will think about this again and speak to my DS.

This is new territory for me and balancing my concerns versus his happiness has been difficult.

Edited

Sounds like you’ve done an amazing job of rasing him as he sounds like a lovely young man. And going by what you’ve said I can’t see what concerns you might have. You said he’s familiar with travelling abroad doesn’t drink etc. Respectfully this sounds like you don’t want to cut the apron strings.

DiscoBob · 07/09/2025 09:51

I don't really see a problem. He's going to her parents house. Surely if you get their details and check they are ok with having him then it's fine?

Nothing much can happen to them that wouldn't happen to someone of any age. Don't miss your flight. That's the only rule you need to abide by really. Once in Spain presumably the parents will meet them?

loobylou10 · 07/09/2025 09:51

You should 100% let him go. He’s going with a girlfriend, doesn’t drink alcohol and is going to her parents house - it’s the absolute best case scenario for his first trip abroad. Most young men go partying with a load of mates the first time they go abroad - that is a worry, this is not.