17 year old DS wants to go abroad with girlfriend

[ROSEandIVY]

My DS and his girlfriend have both just turned 17. They have known each other since September but only been dating for 3 months. They now want to go to her parents home in Spain alone. I have said no to him, which is causing difficulties between us. He doesn’t understand my reasons; he is a minor, there are no adults there if there is an emergency, I can’t just drive to him if something happens.
I have suggested if they get a group of friends, I will reconsider. If her parents were going, it would be different. But, he is 17 and anything could happen. Would you say yes or no in this situation?

Oh and DS missed a flight travelling back from Portugal (on his own again) a few months ago (18yo by this point, travelling to a metal festival). Not a big deal, he paid through his savings from not being organised enough to be at the airport on time. He said he has learnt a harsh lesson and that's good that something was learned from what happened.

Let them grow up.

I'm reading this with interest as I have a 15 yo DS with a girlfriend and I'm not sure what I would do in this situation in 2 years' time. We also have a home in Spain so it is quite feasible that this situation will occur. We've already told our teens that they won't be going there with a group of friends until they're 18 - this is to do with the rules of the apartment block. But with a girlfriend - I don't know. I think I'd have to let him at that age.

Seems really unreasonable to try and stop him going. He will be much safer with just his girlfriend than in a group and it’s completely normal for 17 year olds to go on holidays without parents

I would not only let them but encourage them (assuming it didn’t interfere with their education). They will learn a lot about all the chores that being in a house entails, as well as being a lot of fun.

But, I think a parent has a right to say no, as long as a child is living with them and being supported, they need to accept that.

I was not impressed by the 17 year old whose parent said no, and she went ahead anyway (unless she was fully working and supporting herself).

I would always say yes if possible to my sons but, if I decided something was a no, and they did it anyway, their phone contracts would be cancelled and they would get zero allowance until they changed their attitude.

I am a big believer in freedom coming from taking responsibility for oneself. If you want total autonomy, you have to earn it. (But that goes hand in hand with support and encouraging age appropriate independent decision taking).

He is my only child and we have a close relationship. But, this is creating a wedge between us. I don’t want him to resent me in the future.

This is a troubling line of thought. It suggests that you are worried about the completely natural loosening of the apron strings generally, rather than any particular vulnerabilities or dangers.

At 17 you can’t really control him. In a few months he will be an adult and you’ll definitely have to let go altogether. It sounds very much as though you need to work on your ability to let him have an independent life as an adult.

BTW it is not “this” which will create a wedge between you, it is you and your issues. It is within your power to prevent him from resenting you, but you will need first to accept that this will require a change in your mindset and behaviour, not his.

I went to Greece at 17 for a fortnight with friends. He’ll be fine.

I’d let him go. He’s nearly a young adult and in a house not a hotel is probably better.
you keeping him from age appropriate things won’t end well. I’ve seen it happen with a close relative

I’d have no problems with this, I went abroad, much further afield, when I was 17.

I think a bit more info is needed too. Is he still at school, at college, working? Is he planning to pay for this trip, or is he expecting you to do so? How long would they be going for?

I have a DS the same age and I can't say I'd be thrilled by this, if it were me, but as my DS is just starting Y13 I think I'd come to a compromise and say yes, after A levels, if he still wants to do it. By then, he'll be 18 and an adult and the relationship would have had a bit more time to either establish or fall apart.

My child is 17yo and moving OUT to go to university in just a few weeks.

A week's holiday is really nothing to worry about.

At this age, you need to encourage them to seize opportunities where they can demonstrate some responsibility and independence, make daft mistakes and learn from them.

Thank you all, for your various helpful messages. It’s good to read the opinion of others especially those who been in this situation.

To answer a few points, I am not a dragon or overly bearing mother! My DS will be sitting his A levels next summer. I know I have to let him fly at that point!

I would be paying for the trip which isn’t a problem.