WWYD - my racist toddler

[ChampagneLassie]

discussing the nursery day with my DD age 3.5 (white, blond) she said “I don’t like sitting next to Millie because Millie has brown skin and brown hair and she looks different to me”. I was flummoxed. We (me & her dad) are not racist and we’ve never even discussed skin colour. Her nursery is reasonably multicultural and her 3 best friends are Asian and until now she’s never said anything like this. We’ve actually got a long play date with Millie (not a best friend and we’ve not hung out with parents much) planned at weekend and I’m a bit worried about how to address. I fear if I make a big deal of it she’ll bring it up at weekend. Any suggestions for how to approach? I’m going to ask nursery staff too

I'd ask her why does Millie have to look like you to be your friend and go from there. Its a peculiar thing to exclude someone over, for a 3 year old, at least. They're normally fairly accepting of differences and I'd want to know where this has come from.

Don't sweep it under the carpet! This warrants an immediate conversation with her as a basic starting point
It's completely normal at this age to notice and talk about differences but she needs to know that everyone is different and that it is not ok to be unkind to someone because of any difference. There will be books and videos to help reinforce this and do talk to nursery but she will model what she sees so turn this I to a learning opportunity.

Your toddler isn’t racist. She’s just noticed a difference and, as this has never been discussed with her and she hasn’t witnessed anyone look like this before, she has some uncertainties. I think it’s really important to expose children to different ethnicities early on so these differences are very normal. For example, when my daughter wanted her first baby doll, we bought her one white and one black doll (which ridiculously had to be ordered online because none of the toy shops near to us stocked a black baby doll!), she has black Barbies and we make sure that the characters in her books are not just white (Handa’s Surprise isn’t the only children’s book featuring a black character- and it was written by a white woman!!). She will often comment on the colour of a (non-white) person’s skin when we are out and about but simply out of curiosity. I will say, “yes, that man does have dark skin. There are lots of different types of skin colours, hair colours, eye colours…” Basically, my take on it is not to make a big deal of comments but increase your child’s exposure to variety and discuss any curiosities she may have.

Rather than focusing on whats different, talk to her about whats the same.

Well if her 3 best friends really are Asian, surely you would've pointed out that they don't look like her either?

Why have you never discussed skin colour? Especially if you're in a multicultural area.
I'd start discussing it now and also consider whether you have positive representations of all different kinds of people in your home.

Your toddler isn't racist.

She's noticing a difference.

Does she not watch children's TV ? CBBC cast has lots of people with different skin colours and hair colours and varying ethnic background for example.

You don't punish or make big deals out of innocently intentioned behaviour from a toddler.

I'm just suprised she hasn't been read picture books or seen childrens TV ? Most children's books also contain characters from varying ethnicities?

You can't go into depth at this age as they don't get it. As previous posters have said , children don't usually notice things like different skin colours at that age...

This isn't a wind up is it ? I'm suspicious.

What does millie like to eat? What is millie s favourite toy? What does millie like that you like?
What does millie like that you don't lilikewhat colour is millies blood?
we are all the same and different as well

Racist?
OMFG she’s three

This!

I think rather than making a big deal just continue the conversation and explore what she means. I was a bit horrified by my young sons comment once that 'there are too many black people around' (we are a racially diverse area) before some gentle discussion uncovered that he felt crowded by the number of school kids in black blazers.

Labeling her a racist is a bit extreme!
Just tell her it is very mean to not want to sit with someone because of the colour of their skin and that she will make the children sad if she acts that way and it might make other people with brown skin sad too.

If her other little pals are Asian, it sounds like she has had a falling out with Millie or is jealous of her in some way and she hasn't got the reasoning to say why she doesn't like her.

Does she have dolls and Barbies with different coloured skin to play with? That is a good way to start discussing race.
But no, a 3 year old cannot be racist.

Children definitely do notice things like skin colour, hair colour, body shapes, different disabilities at that age!

I think you approach this with curiosity and discuss how every body is different.

I have lots of books in ds bookcase (same age) with lots of different children represented and I like the "every body has a body" book because it talks about how every body is different but perfect at the same time. I'd also talk to her about what makes millie a good friend, what do they have in common and point out that what matters is that someone is a kind friend and has a kind heart, and that it's normal for people to look differently. I'd point our differences between how she looks and her family/ other close friends to highlight that everyone's unique and we're all different and that's a good thing.

She may be repeating something she has heard from one of her nursery friends who heard it from their parents

My dd3 came home and said something similar, obviously not something she has heard/seen at home so I was a bit perplexed too. I just said…

‘Really? I think black skin is lovely… and brown skin, and white skin. It’s all lovely! We’re all different aren’t we? It would be boring if we all looked the same.’

Or something along those lines… I could see the cogs going round and thankfully she hasn’t said anything since so maybe it sunk in… kids are very impressionable.

This is something you need to talk about with her . Don’t be flummoxed, she’s a child that obviously hasn’t had much contact with people of different race. You need to explain different skin colours etc and make it clear it is not ok to not want to be near someone for that reason.

“We’re all the same inside”

@ChampagneLassie You should be talking about race, it's starts young and with education, just to make her aware it's something that you should be doing regardless of what she says. These are some books for her age range I recommend just low level on different cultures and people, awareness is important.

• *All Are Welcome by Alexandra Penfold & Suzanne Kaufman
• Things Happened in Our Town: A Child’s Story about Racial Injustice by Marianne Celano *
• Sulwe by Lupita Nyong’o & Vashti Harrison
• Same, Same But Different by Jenny Sue Kostecki-Shaw
• Antiracist Baby by Ibram X. Kendi
• Hidden Figures by Margot Lee Shetterly & Winifred Conkling
• Separate Is Never Equal by Duncan Tonatiuh
• The Skin You Live In by Michael Tyler
• Small’s Big Dream by Manjeet Mann
• The Proudest Blue: A Story of Hijab and Family by Ibtihaj Muhammad with S.K. Ali
• Mommy’s Khimar by Jamilah Thompkins-Bigelow
• Eyes That Kiss in the Corners by Joanna Ho
• Rocket Says Look Up (Look Up!) ByNathan Bryon
• Islandborn by Junot Díaz

So, step one is to have the we are all different conversation and also include differently able people too. Second step is grammar as it's 'different from' not 'to'. Third step is to keep up with the process and remind every day for as long as possible that this isn't an acceptable view to hold

I think this is more likely the scenario to be honest. Sounds like she’s repeating what another child has said about Millie it’s too specific for her to have come up with dislike based on skin colour on her own.

I've worked with that age group and they don't mention skin colour - it is an older concept

She will have overheard it from somewhere else.

They don't usually view them as a negative though do they ? It's usually purely observational in a "crude" way , i.e "Lilly has a brown face " it's usually neutral. That's where you can start the conversations. A 3.5 yr old doesn't usually come out with "I don't like lilly because she's brown"

I do think white people fall over themselves and are terrified of race in general. Hence all the hyperventilating over 'must by a black doll' , 'must push Tabitha towards the black kids and make a beeline to befriend the mum"

How many Indian families or black families across the world are buying white dolls ?

It must be really patronising if your black/Asian/wearing a headscarf to have white people wringing their hands terrified and equally mesmerised by you, desperate to prove how unracist they are.

Even if she's repeating something that means she's learning that behaviour and racism starts from small steps, it's embedded into the culture. Which is why @ChampagneLassie needs to have the conversations and should have been, but there's no better time to start than now, you should be educating her on these topics because trust me if BAMEA kids can start experiencing racism (not saying what you're child did was but other children, as a Black girl I most definitely experienced lots of racism from this age regularly) - then you're child can start learning about racism and not just being ignorant about the topic and hoping she'll just by osmosis not be racist isn't good enough, they'll be people around her repeating such stuff and you need to combat it. Children from that age most definitely try do notice skin colour and start making comments about it and yes they overhear things as well but that goes into their subconsciousness and they believe it by osmosis, as a kid I experienced racism from this age, some from adults but also from children this age and definitely in early primary school as well.