WWYD - my racist toddler

[ChampagneLassie]

discussing the nursery day with my DD age 3.5 (white, blond) she said “I don’t like sitting next to Millie because Millie has brown skin and brown hair and she looks different to me”. I was flummoxed. We (me & her dad) are not racist and we’ve never even discussed skin colour. Her nursery is reasonably multicultural and her 3 best friends are Asian and until now she’s never said anything like this. We’ve actually got a long play date with Millie (not a best friend and we’ve not hung out with parents much) planned at weekend and I’m a bit worried about how to address. I fear if I make a big deal of it she’ll bring it up at weekend. Any suggestions for how to approach? I’m going to ask nursery staff too

There is a really nice picture book that might help you discuss this with her - it’s called Minnie and Max are ok.

Another child, possibly one of her best friends has said something, possibly don't sit next to Millie she's different in these ways. Perhaps some of her friends parents are not very tolerant?

I would play it down isn't it lovely that we're all different, x has dark hair and brown eyes, but her hair is straight, you have blond curls and blue eyes and Millie has curly dark hair and brown eyes and Millie's coming to play on Saturday so you can play and get to know her and then you will like sitting next to her too.

The Minnie and Max book is about how everyone looks different and all ways of looking are equally valid. Then you could move on to talking more explicitly about race.

Just wanted to say - what a fantastic list!

That is absolutely horrendous.

Considering it's a multicultural area and she has, up to this point, only had non-white friends, it's possible some nursery kids have made remarks about her being different and she's become defensive.

My 2yo boy seems to have a strong preference for liking blond kids, and I also don’t know how to address this, so following with interest!

Having taught 3-5 year olds for 10 years, I can almost guarantee that your child had had enough of Millie. Maybe Millie just wouldn’t leave her alone that morning, maybe they always have to sit next to each other, maybe Millie was encroaching on another friendship or maybe Millie had had something your daughter wanted earlier.

The frustration from these kind of things apparently stay with children this age for 90 minutes after the “incident”. They appear to have moved on but when they see the “offending” child again the feelings come back even if they cannot remember the specific frustration.

My guess is your daughter was fed up of spending time with Millie or couldn’t remember why Millie had upset her earlier. She then reached for a difference between herself and Millie to justify why she didn’t want to be next to her.

I hear this day in and day out. “Poppy can’t play because she’s not wearing pink.” Or “Arthur doesn’t have a sister so he can’t play.” Or “This game is only for people with straight hair.” Occasionally the difference they stumble onto is racial loaded, but at 3-5 making the statements in this way, they really are not racist. It requires a conversation afterwards, but these children are not racist!

We encourage them ALL THE TIME to notice similarities and differences in their environment, in pictures, between groups of objects and with each other. Anyone above thinking a three year old is racist for noticing a different skin tone is bonkers. People have different skin tones and that is a fact children need to learn and accept without any weight on it.

I agree with @FunnyOrca This sounds a rational explanation.

My mother told me that I once went on and on about a new girl at nursery… everything except the fact that she was black. It didn’t register with me.

Of course there was racism in the 80s and 90s, but certainly where I grew up there was also a real sense of Britishness amongst my friends ( we just had forrin parents!). So if I’d been asked to describe a fellow school mate, I’d have used 5/6 of the following adjectives- clever/popular/sucks up to teachers/sporty/boring/trendy/annoying/
It wouldn’t have occurred to me to say “Indian” or whatever.

This is a good book aimed at parents for these kinds of conversations with kids - shop.migrationmuseum.org/products/9780349702056-wish-we-knew-what-to-say?srsltid=AfmBOopVUMODQ161RGigJxSE1MT7eYOoBAPJ0pj8jHQCCTSbEzQcIACT

Oh don't be so utterly ridiculous!!! Your 2 year old doesn't have a "preference for blonde kids" you're projecting your virtue signalling on to him ! Utterly ridiculous. You don't "address" anything !

This is very normal in very young children. Approach this topic through diverse picture books. Your librarian will be able to help.

Honestly, I was exactly the same ! It was how it was! I remember there was a brother and sister at primary school, the boy had a false hand (it wasn't a modern one and had this sort of a hook on the end ) and everyone used to get grossed out by him scaring people with it for a joke ! I remember telling my mum when I was about 7. It wouldn't even have occurred to me to mention he was black ! He was just "annoying Martin who keeps creeping people out !" (I hope poor Martin got a modern prosthesis in the end! )

Ah you say that now but wait til you need a kidney.

😂

See this is the problem if you admit difference - that can be misconstrued and othering.
If you say "we're all the same " it's failing to acknowledge the difference and seen as ignorant.

That's why I think white people just need to chill the fuck out and relax and just be themselves around people (and that includes black and brown people ) just be. most people really are not racist (unless you count engineered offense such as "micro aggressions" ) so we should all just tick along nicely.

This movement of recent years helps nobody. Now white people have been successfully kicked down and Shamed its all become a case of "now I want you to dance whilst putting your hands on your head " "right now you've done that, I want you to do it but whilst whistling" with all the white people nodding and grinning like idiots.

We literally just need to act normal around people. Stop trying to people please. If someone thinks something benign and well intentioned you've done is a "micro aggression" - that's not balanced- quite frankly that's their problem.

When I was about 4 I refused to hold hands with the black child in the class (we were paired up to walk into the dining hall). I remember thinking that he was made of chocolate and if I held his hand he would melt. I knew he was different (obviously!) but I wasn’t sure why. I just needed someone to reassure me!

This would be my guess. I was really surprised by the bollocks my child came home with from places like that (things like he couldn't use the pink plate any more because only girls can use pink plates). I suspected the older staff as much as some of the kids who grew up in families where this crap was believed

This!
As a primary teacher and mother of mixed race kids, all this.
Curiosity is ok, it's only racism when a value is ascribed to it. You can explain that people are different and that's ok.

Mention the upcoming play date. 'What shall we play with Millie at the weekend?' If there's no negative response, go ahead.

(I vaguely remember disliking contrived 'play dates' when I was a kid. Can't I decide who my friends are? But, whatever.)

Sounds like she's picked up some jargon. Has the nursery been doing activities about getting on with people 'who look different to you'? They do tend to get a bit obsessed with this stuff. It'll be 'why can't I have two daddies?' next.

Not racist at this stage. Children aren’t old enough to have that intention. It could have been about something else. Glasses. What she ate for lunch. What the girl wore. The fact the girl preferred Sleeping Beauty to Beauty and the Beast. Children are at the age where they’re starting to notice things which are similar and different and they are very flighty. One day she might say she doesn’t like this girl and the next she could be her best friend. I’d be more concerned if she was saying this at 6 or 7, but that is not the case. This will be quite innocent.

I wouldn’t treat this as a racism issue and would be wary about making it a big deal as if she gets lots of attention for making those remarks, you’re likely to get repetition of it. I’d just say something like ‘we all come in different colours and shapes and size’ and change the subject or potentially just change the subject without a response.

I’d personally just find some reading books about diversity with children of different racial backgrounds - repeatedly. This will embed the idea without turning it into an argument or making it a potential power battle.

I would disucss with her that cute fluffy animals she likes, cats/dogs come in all sorts of colours and we like those just as much

From 2 years of age we are pretty good at detecting people who are not sincere/lying to us. Perhaps Millie is not as sincere as she thinks?!

My son horrified me with a remark, on a bus 40 years ago, he said he didn't like the 'skinny' old man who had boarded the bus, the man was black, he also around that time refused to watch playschool on TV if Floella Benjamin was on as she was 'skinny' I realised that he meant black. I pointed out that his older brothers friend was the same, colour, and he loved to play with him. He refused to accept that the friend was black, so I told him to look when he next came to play. He was astounded when friend next came to the door and he realised he was black, I'll never forget his little face when it dawned on him. He never mentioned it again.

Hmmmm. Very odd - especially as you say her best friends are Asian. Doesn’t make sense.