WWYD - my racist toddler

[ChampagneLassie]

discussing the nursery day with my DD age 3.5 (white, blond) she said “I don’t like sitting next to Millie because Millie has brown skin and brown hair and she looks different to me”. I was flummoxed. We (me & her dad) are not racist and we’ve never even discussed skin colour. Her nursery is reasonably multicultural and her 3 best friends are Asian and until now she’s never said anything like this. We’ve actually got a long play date with Millie (not a best friend and we’ve not hung out with parents much) planned at weekend and I’m a bit worried about how to address. I fear if I make a big deal of it she’ll bring it up at weekend. Any suggestions for how to approach? I’m going to ask nursery staff too

How many Indian families or black families across the world are buying white dolls ?
Um, loads? Most children's toys and books feature white characters.

@SquishedMallow @Snoozysaurus and others her nursery is very multicultural, her three best friends so far have been Asian (1st generation or 2nd generation rather than British) and they talk about differences at nursery they’ve got books on it and she’s talked about that generally to me before. I’ve never felt need to specifically discuss as it is so prevalent. She learns words in mandarin and they celebrate Diwali. It’s very multi cultural. I need to sleep but appreciate all posts and will review abd discuss with DD in morning. I didn’t say much at time as I didn’t know what to say and she was knackered after nursery

“Don’t be silly darling, everybody looks different and how people look on the outside doesn’t matter.”

But it does, going with the I don't see colour line isn't a positive message but rather acts like race isn't something which is inherent in all institutions and doesn't have a massive impact on structures and life outcomes. I'm not saying get into this but just acknowledge the difference rather than saying oh it doesn't matter if they look different, go with something that celebrates and recognises that there is a difference in race and that people are from different places and cultures and we all co-exist. It has the best building blocks for bigger themes at a much later date.

Follow the black nursery manager on Facebook and ask nursery or local ideas about anti racism books for early years. We’re all different but isn’t that great type stuff

Yeah… no. She is three. That stuff can wait til later. For the purposes of being three - how people look does not matter in the slightest.

What would you propose to say, out of interest?

My 3 yr old niece refuses to come in the house when my DD's boyfriend is here. When I asked her why she said "he looks dirty and he has poo all over him". She had also started saying this at nursery too. No idea where this has come from as we live in a very multicultural area.

That’s awful!

Well the building blocks start at 3, I always say if BAME kids can experience racism (which they do and I definitely did and jokes about me which weren't inquisitive but just racism learned and taught from that age even without intent it still hurts and children learn from osmosis so you have to give them the right building blocks so that they build on that knowledge as they get older). There's no reason why your child is too young to learn about racism just that you find the topics uncomfortable too broach, nobody's saying start talking about in-depth structure racism but that you don't take a basic colour blind approach of "we don't see people's colour, just who they are" - when one that's false, society and institutions do and always have and two it fails to celebrate culture and race which is important in challenging even the basics of racist thoughts.

I would say something like "People look different, and that’s wonderful. Your friend’s skin is brown, other people's skin is Blacm and your's is white, but that makes them who they are, and they come from different families and cultures. We can celebrate and enjoy learning about everyone’s differences, and be kind and curious about them and where they're from and what they like to do. Sometimes, some people are treated unfairly just because of their skin colour. That’s not fair or right, but it’s something we can learn about and try to make better by always being kind and celebrating everyone’s differences.”

I would also use many books on this topics that I already posted above which are appropriate from this age, and I would use different ones from younger because I believe in being proactive but OP has noticed something which shows she cares and I'd start building said books on those topics into our reading from now because it's better to be proactive and let that be her subconscious rather than hoping she's just not racist by osmosis when she can also become racist by osmosis and that's why having open discussions about it, being realistic but age appropriate and using books and other tools for issues like this and others is key. As @twiceasnice47 post shows us if you're not proactive and don't have the discussions because my children are too young to learn about racism, they can easily absorb racist beliefs even if they're in a multicultural area, so actually we have thse conversations whilst being realistic and age appropriate to embed an active non racist beliefs into our children.

"And how much do you think your 3 Asian best friends look like you?"

It doesn't matter how tired anyone is, I'm really surprised you didn't say that.

But in all honesty, it looks as though she's just not looking forward to the playdate, and perhaps this is her way of saying it and clutching at straws.

You can't make a 3 year old possibly understand that. I'm afraid thats ridiculous.

Do you know , when I was at school (early 90s) back when people weren't creaming their knickers and doing little jumpy jumps on the spot and wringing their hands when a black kid was in the playground, whilst side eyeing the audience and loudly exclaiming to their 3year old (who isn't even looking at them ) "ooooh Lola... Do you want to ask that child with the beautiful braids in her hair if she wants to make friends ? " - you know, we really honestly didn't make a "thing" of the difference of black people (for example) because we genuinely just didn't think of it as a "thing". They were just "one of us ". I'm speaking from the heart there. I honestly never saw the black children at school or /Indian/Asian children as "different to me " because they were always there and amongst us from the get go.

I really think in recent times with all the virtue signalling (and it is mostly white people doing it on black people's -for example - behalf ) is doing nothing but causing more division.

I think white people in general just need to relax. stop pushing little Tabitha towards the token "ethnic" kids to make a point and just let kids be kids and make friends. Because without adult intervention, and all this making a "thing" of difference,very young kids will naturally flock together and discard race or difference as obstacles.

I would imagine it's more patronising when adults intervene and start orgasming when they see a head scarf wearing mum and make a bee line to introduce the children so they can loudly declare how unracist they are.

They do. But they only frame it negatively if they're taught to. 3 year olds are not racist.

I'm very quick to dismiss seeing things that aren't there: but this isn't on. I'm surprised you'd repeat that to be honest.

That's no accident. Someone's said something to her along those lines and I'd be finding out who...

I'm not saying make a beeline in person but you can have conversations because I did experience racism at that age and in early primary and no I'm not talking about something like that braids comment which isn't racist but inquisitive very different things. I've seen kids say things and regardless of intent to me, whether they heard parents or others say it, it still hurt and made me alienated even at that young age. I'm just saying use books which are made for those ages, some I recommend earlier and also make sure you have a globalist outlook, many people are more passive on this than they should be and then they're surprised when there kids learn from elsewhere (not OP's kid just others).I'm not saying force her to be friends with anyone just to be kind and also not seeing differences negatively but positively as it can make a massive difference on the kids around her who aren't white and believe me, my friends and my siblings we all have memories from young when other kids said racist and rude things to us, different from when kids were curious and we had to go through that. Your experience isn't everyone's and I'd have been a lot less affected if these kids were actually educated on the basics of race and culture rather than pretending you cannot the basic and age appropriate stuff to a 3 year old when there's many tools to do so, if you're not sure where to start. If you look at my post a little above this one, you'd see my response to making that work for a 3 year old and on page 1 a bunch of books I know approach these topics well for a 3 year old with nuance and celebration of race whilst not having a univeristy level seminar class on it just focusing on positive stories of BAME people across the world and also why we are all different. I'm just saying building blocks done well now can grow into bigger topics as they need to when children get older, you can start with said building blocks young, and it will have a great impact when you get to bigger topics.

I honestly never saw the black children at school or /Indian/Asian children as "different to me " because they were always there and amongst us from the get go

It was so wonderful wasn't it? Kids of all ethnicities were friends (or not as the case might be), based on personality alone. We were truly colour blind.

Ironically, there seems to be so much more division and falseness in these so called "enlightened times".

That's very strange as she already has three friends who are Asian. I imagine she has heard someone say something that has prompted this.

You've been given a lot of good advice here but I might start with, "You and I look very different but you still sit with mummy, don't you."

I agree. But then if you say that (which really was the truth ) you're "not acknowledging the difference". It is very difficult to get it "correct". That's why I relax and don't bother now. I think if you're truly comfortable and really aren't bothered by race (which luckily I grew up like yourself just in the right era where we really weren't making a "thing" about it ) then you literally just treat people as, well people, and that includes having all the same feelings towards people who we are now labelling as "different" : negative ones too, such as disliking people because they're moody or too loud or moan a lot for example and not making "special rules" because they're black or wear a headscarf. If you dare not say "nah I'm not a fan of Neenha, she never shuts up!" You're not treating her as an equal. And people do this : they tiptoe round people of different ethnicities and do all this false pushing their kids towards them like they're tokens or trophies or so desperate to be an "ally" that they're calling everyone a "racist" where there is no racism on others behalves.

What's wrong with just literally treating people the same as you would anyone : good, bad and in between. That's what we used to do ! Genuinely!

Young kids constantly come out with rubbish, I wouldn't read too much into it. But it's awful when they do it.. but Most of the time you can just say "oh" and move on. Or have a conversation if and when you feel prepared enough.
However if it's becoming a pattern then you need to think harder and work out what proactive strategy to do .

Having said all that there's loads of books on racism for all ages, so you should have a couple at home regardless. It's something to keep in the background all the time, not to wait for them to say the wrong thing.

As a black woman myself, please correct her, please start now. Can you get a book about people of colour, suitable for her age to read to her, perhaps?

I'm sorry but I think some of those titles are utterly ridiculous for a 3 year old and your post reads as "right on" virtue signalling.

The bigger thing you make out of people's differences the more you're drawing attention to them. It's so anti racist that it's almost racist.

3 year olds will not be discriminating. They're not capable.

You don't go and brainwash them into books and ideas that are far too grown up. You'll confuse them. We can learn a lot from children as adults: and children aren't racist. They're naturally accepting because nobody (adults) has put any negative ideas in their heads. You start holding their faces and forcing them to see difference where they're currently not at all bothered by it, is not productive at that age.

Us "educated" adults are so tiring at times. Keep it fricking simple : be normal around people !!

I’m sorry but your lengthy paragraph would be a ridiculous thing to say to a 3 year old and would go straight over their head. They wouldn’t understand half of the words you used for a start.

My “building block” is telling my 3 year old that the way people look doesn’t matter and that you can be friends with anybody. That is seriously enough at this point. You’re going to do more harm than good waffling on and telling them that skin colour “makes them who they are”.

I’m sorry for what you experienced as a child. My kids are mixed race living in central London fwiw.

Honestly I wouldn't over think this she's 3 explain where all different and buy some childrens books that are multicultural,which will give her a better understanding.

Are posters seriously suggesting there wasn't any racism in the 90s??

Quick update I asked her this morning and she didn’t remember saying it and is looking forward to play date with Millie 🤷‍♀️we talked about differences and I said it’s not kind to say you don’t like someone because of something about way they look, she agreed. I’ve not had a chance to read all posts, but I will and I’ll plan more conversations. To anyone asking why I didn’t react in moment when she said it, I really didn’t know what to say, I was also cycling her up a hill back from nursery through traffic!

We live in a very non diverse area so have seen it as important to find ways of exposing my daughter to diverse cultures not just race but also family setups and disabilities too.
We have approached this with books mostly. The small people big lives books have been good. They have allowed us to have conversations about women's suffrage, disability, race, slavery, civil rights, colonialism, poverty, religion all in an accessible way tied to a person and how others actions might have made them feel.
We have also read books like coming to England by floella Benjamin.
It allows us to have micro conversations about differences and similarities in age appropriate ways.