WWYD - my racist toddler

[ChampagneLassie]

discussing the nursery day with my DD age 3.5 (white, blond) she said “I don’t like sitting next to Millie because Millie has brown skin and brown hair and she looks different to me”. I was flummoxed. We (me & her dad) are not racist and we’ve never even discussed skin colour. Her nursery is reasonably multicultural and her 3 best friends are Asian and until now she’s never said anything like this. We’ve actually got a long play date with Millie (not a best friend and we’ve not hung out with parents much) planned at weekend and I’m a bit worried about how to address. I fear if I make a big deal of it she’ll bring it up at weekend. Any suggestions for how to approach? I’m going to ask nursery staff too

Don't make a big deal out of it—this is a completely natural part of a child’s development: noticing and commenting on differences. If she says something, you can simply respond with something like, "Yes, Millie has brown skin and you have white skin. People have different skin colors, and that’s part of what makes everyone unique and beautiful."
I once had a 4-year-old Black girl comment on my skin during an appointment. She asked, "Why is your skin so white?"and then said, "I have brown skin and you are white." Her mum looked a bit uncomfortable and tried to distract her, but I reassured her that this kind of observation is completely normal at that age.
I told the girl, "This is how I was born—I didn’t choose my skin color, but I like it. And I really like your skin color too, it’s very beautiful." She lit up and replied, "You are beautiful and I am beautiful—I’m a princess!" Then she went on to talk about crowns, gowns, and all her favourite cartoon characters.

I think (hope) that you are right. This rings true to me. My DD and Mille are both quite…strong characters and assertive so totally possible they’ve butted heads. As I said she didn’t remember when I asked this morning but did remember we’re meeting at weekend and excited about that. Nursery pickup today they were happily playing together again.

Yeah, sure...

Children absolutely do notice skin colour at this age. It’s up to us, as parents, to deal with it correctly. Children don’t hold the same attitude to differences, but they do notice. I remember my son a year or so ago (he is four now) commenting on a particular cartoon character looking like him because they have the same skin colour.

Your toddler isn’t racist. She’s performing a normal evolutionary process of noticing differences.

Hoe the adults around d her handle that noticing is what will or will not turn her into the person she becomes.

I doubt very much whether racism has anything to do with it.

It is the way she feels. She has said why she doesn't like another child, and she has every right to do that.

Just because someone is a different colour, doesn't make them any better or worse. I would not force a child to like someone of another colour. That is how trouble starts, and more likely to make a lasting difficulty later in life.

You don't know what that other child said or did, do you? She is so young and may not have the vocabulary to explain further.

Innocent children can only say who/what they like and why.

Although you and you hubby might not of said it some adult will off put that idea in to her head. Kids don’t say things like that unless an adult teaches them….What member’s of your family does she spend time with ? Find out!

It is. It will of come from an adult the kid spends lots of time with, I don’t get these people who wonder where the kid gets it from. It’s not thin air - it’s from at least one adult known to the kid. Kids are not nasty unless a adult teaches them
to be…,

This 💯
kids don’t say things like unless it comes from a kid via a adult or direct from the adult

She has probably heard someone out and about make a simialr comment and is now noticing that we don't all look the same. Perhaps a trip to the library to get some books out that explain it in toddler terms ?
They certainly have a way of making you want to crawl under a rock sometimes with what they come out with don't they!

OP your toddler isn’t racist; they really start to notice differences at this age. I remember my son wasn’t allowed in the Wendy house as he was a boy. The girls only want to play with girls. It’s not sexiest they just start noticing.

For the skin colour situation i have always ask if my kids know why different people have different skin / eye / hair colour. We have talked about genetics and for skin colour I mention melanin, the more you have the darker your skin is. It’s something people can’t change.

However we can change if we are kind, friendly and look after others. You can talk about what makes a good friend etc

🙄
Such a predictably boring and unintelligent PA comment from your run of the mill cowardly keyboard warrior. There is always one. You can pat your yourself on the back now and go about your day safe in the knowledge that you have contributed something really rather profound to this thread. Well done.

Toddlers say silly things, that they don’t really understand.
When my daughter would say something unkind, I’d say “Oh, that’s not very kind. What if Millie had said she didn’t want to sit next to you because you had different hair and different colour ? How would you feel?”
At that point they admit it isn’t kind and remind them to not say unkind things.

No toddler is racist, but they may repeat things that they hear or otherwise pick up. Like that blonds are prettier?
My message would be that different is not better or worse. Its different. And different is interesting!

They do though, I had plenty of ground please open up and swallow me moments when my children started talking and noticing things. Mum, why is that lady that colour/why is that man’s face like that and similar.

Decidedly she is parroting something she's heard OR she doesn't like Millie.

If one of her little Asian friends has a racist parent, it could be that they've been discouraged from playing with Millie based on skin colour alone. I've heard people and kids base judgements on how light or dark brown someone is!

On the second one... I went to a predominantly White British school. A girl from Pakistan was enrolled. We were curious about her at first. But actually she wasn't a pleasant person. She was spiteful, unfriendly and unkind. Definitely the best way to make a hundred children instantly feel that people from Pakistan aren't very nice. If Millie isn't a nice child AND is browner than the other children at the nursery this could be how your child is expressing this.

As in:
Millie is Brown skinned and horrible.
The other children are lovely and don't have brown skin.
Therefore having brown skin makes you horrible.

You should not be proud that you’ve never even spoke about skin colour. Try and talk about peoples differences as a beautiful thing. Get some books, toys and eat cv movies that show how wonderful different cultures are please.

The vocabulary of a three year old is very limited. Something could have happened to the DC in nursery which she could not describe, so described the child she was having an issue with. It does not mean there is racism, it could be that the child can only find the words to describe the person she doesn't like, for whatever reason.

I think there has to be a reason.

Are you serious? Interacting with a three year old isn’t a DEI checklist FGS.

So many scolds on this thread. Tut tut, you haven’t discussed race and skin colour with your three year old.

And I'm quite sure that all those cultures you speak of will be doing exactly the same to their kids, teaching them all how wonderful white people and traditional British/Irish culture is 😌

I agree.

I'm quite sure it's all reciprocated 😬............

I think if that poster was waiting for her pat on the back from the communities she's virtue signalling to, she'll see tumbleweed first...

There are a few good books you could read to her about skin colour and differences. And I would bet the nursery has a few. You could ask to borrow. Perhaps they wouldn’t mind reading one at nursery to the whole group then it’s not like your child is getting called out.