How do I make mums like me?

[Lotuselisebabe]

I have a five year old daughter desperate for play dates. We went to toddler groups and I never fit in with any clicks and the school playground is the same.
My daughter has loads of friends and is liked but unfortunately I am not, so she is never invited to meet ups. There are plenty as they are plastered over face book. I'm not even allowed to join the school whats app group because I don't fit in . It's breaking my daughters heart that she has no one to play with and wants to go back to school as she doesn't want to spend all her time with me. No matter how hard I try with people I am not good enough so how do I stop ruining my daughters life?

Have you tried speaking to the mums of her friends on a one-on-one basis rather than through groups?

Not being “allowed” to join the school WhatsApp sounds like there is more to that story. Do you have friends of your own?

What do you mean you're not allowed to join what's app?

what happens when you see a parent of a child your DD is friendly with and ask 'do you want to go to the playground after school one night this week so the girls can have a play? Which night works for you?'

Who is the admin for the whatsapp group, have you asked to join and actually been told no not welcome because that sounds pretty unbelievable. Usually everyone is on it and it’s 90% lost junpers and 10% whole class party invites.

Do the other mums just say no when you invite them over to yours, or to the park? Or do they just make polite excuses?
Have you persevered and asked one mum more than once? It might be that their excuses are genuine!

I go to play dates with mums I am not natural friends with, because our children get along. So long as they are not nasty, or VERY hard work to talk to (as in they barely speak) I would happily meet them again and again. I think this is normal, so unless you are nasty or speechless I can't imagine why they are saying no to your offers. I'm sorry.

Do these parents turn down invites for their children to come and play at your house?

I have tried talking to them and they are perfectly nice to me until the other others mums turn up. I just get blanked even when I try to join in the conversation. They just ignore me.

I only found out about the what apps group when I was at funeral with another mum and she said it had been announced on the group that one of the pupils had died in an accident.

I don't have any friends never have. I was the bullied loner that no one wanted to befriend and the rest of my life has been the same. The fact that I am a mid forties mum and they are all in there mid twenties to thirtees doest help matter either.

So what happens when you invite a child over / ask another mum to go to the playground or wherever after school?

The playground is attached to the school. All the kids
play together and they form there little circles and slowly move away from where we are standing.
I have tried several parents and several times and there is always an excuse or reason or cancellation. Not yet has one happened in 2 years of her being at the school. I have asked 3 parents to meet up this holidays and they all say I will call you and they never do how many times can you keep asking people before they really get sick and tired of you?

Try joining the PTA, great way if meeting people and getting involved.

Have you invited people to a specific event? Ie not 'shall we get together in the holidays?' But 'Lily would love to meet at the park with Emily. Does tuesday suit you? Or Wednesday?'

Always. several kids have been asked several times and they are always to busy. My daughter even said to her friends mum can I have a play date at you house and she replied with maybe one day (this is her best friends mum) they have also had several other kids over lots of times.

In my experience, offering first to have their child over for a playdate is a way to get things going. Few parents will turn down some free childcare for their child,.

I agree that getting involved in school organisations like the PTA can also be a good way to get more integrated into the school.

You don't need these people to be your friends, but you'd ideally need to be friendly enough with them that your DD can get involved with playdates and meet ups.

Too busy,maybe another time, not day and anything else they can think of. Couple of times we have just happened to turn up places where they are and the look of dread on there face when we turn up and the oh we were just leaving.

Why not get involved with brownies or something? Offer to be a helper. I found with dd one or two from school went and they got a bit closer having fun camping and on days out.

If you're helping, you're busy and it's easier to talk to other helpers. Very often other parents come along. I don't think the other helpers would exclude you.

Your dd will have playtimes and days out with them without you having to ask anybody. Organised activities can be good in that sense.

If the other parents are that horrible, then I'd look to non-school based activities as a way for your DD to make friends with different children and have that as an avenue for possible playdates. Does she do any outside of school activities?

Find a mum who you know has a job - she will bite your hand off for free childcare in the holidays! Once you’ve got the ball rolling it should get easier.
tbh I never made any friends at the school gates - once you realise you have nothing in common except your kids were born the same year it doesn’t really matter! Once they get a little older you won’t be involved anyway as they make their own plans without parents involved.
you need to get on the WhatsApp though - there’s literally no reason why everyone isn’t on them unless they’ve been banned for posting something dodgy.
good luck and don’t overthink - it not you, it’s them being busy / already having friends / etc

Have you considered therapy for yourself? I wonder if your view of yourself as a friendless weirdo is impacting how you behave and ironically driving people away.

I’d recommend some hobbies/clubs for you, and some for your daughter (ballet, swimming, rainbows etc) that could help you meet other people and could help you build your own social skills. Rainbows would be really good for your daughter I think.

I just cannot believe you can be excluded from the class whatsapp. You need this information to make informed decisions for your child.

So when you found about the whatsapp group, did you ask someone to add you? I find it really hard to believe that they would say no.

Already tried all of that I got fobbed off with phone calls an tolled I was doing everything I could with groups etc even set up my own baby group through covid but they formed there little click and had there own meet ups.

Forgot to add we doing swimming lessons and dance class was told our local rainbows group is pretty poor and a waste of time. I also can't do evenings as I'm in bed 7.30 as I start work at 2am.

I agree with taking your child to Rainbows and signing up as a helper, and joining the PTA. It’s a grind. You may find that there are other ‘outcasts’ who aren’t accepted but are nicer to be with.

The other thing is that if your dd is friends with some other kids, that’s great and suggests that you have set her up well for a more positive future. It’s shit that the mums are being like this but things do change as children get older and can make more of their own choices.

I regularly pick up a 10 old boy for someone who works but there age differences are a bit of a struggle to manage as she wants play mum's and dad and fairy's and he wants to play older boy things which is understandable.

Respectfully, OP, this is sounding like a 'you' issue. You should find a therapist and sort out any issues left by being bullied. If it's happening in literally all settings, it's highly unlikely to be all the other people being unpleasant.

Separate your child's social life from yours. Bluntly, if you're the issue, then it's better to make it clear that having your daughter for a playdate doesn't involve you staying on, or being in a friendship with you. I'd suggest asking several children your DD likes around to your house to mitigate things. Make it clear it's not about you looking for friends.

Just ask whoever is the admin of the class WhatsApp to add you, too. I didn't realise DS's first primary class had a parents WhatsApp either, as I seldom did drop offs and pick ups and didn't know many other parents. It was only at the nativity play in Year 1 that I happened to be sitting next to another parent and saw her posting on it that made me aware it existed. Then I asked to be added. (Though that was very much just a way of sharing reminders about World Book Day and asking about lost water bottles, not a social hub.)

Well, thanks for everyone's comments but it looked like something worked as she has just been invited round someone's house next week. Someone I didn't know she was friends with😅