How do I make mums like me?

[Lotuselisebabe]

I have a five year old daughter desperate for play dates. We went to toddler groups and I never fit in with any clicks and the school playground is the same.
My daughter has loads of friends and is liked but unfortunately I am not, so she is never invited to meet ups. There are plenty as they are plastered over face book. I'm not even allowed to join the school whats app group because I don't fit in . It's breaking my daughters heart that she has no one to play with and wants to go back to school as she doesn't want to spend all her time with me. No matter how hard I try with people I am not good enough so how do I stop ruining my daughters life?

I wonder this. I don’t want to be at all critical because you’re obviously struggling but it seems really odd that an entire class of parents would ostracise you for no particular reason? Even if there’s one or two mad mums usually the majority are kind normal people who give others a chance so unless you’ve shown any odd behaviour I find the whole situation very strange!

You do have to keep trying and trying.

this business about not being in the class WhatsApp is really weird - what about your dp, can he join? In my kids school all mums and dads are welcome, although the chat is mainly reminders about school trip payments and lost jumpers not social at all, but at least you “exist” if you’re in it

I am an older 40s mum - it is of course going to be weird for me to hang with someone 2 years younger but I do okay with the mums in their 30s.

You need to turn up to the playground confident and with a nice smile on your face. Don’t worry if people drift away, just make small talk with whoever is around and if you are alone don’t worry! Just keep trying. See if you can walk home in a similar direction to a classmate and that will often let you have a nice chat.

Has your dc had a little birthday party yet? That’s a great opportunity to ask some classmates along, make it somewhere that mums can’t “dump and run” and provide some drinks.

Lots and lots of mums have the same problem as you - it’s not because you are inherently unlikeable and even if you are, you can still form acquaintance and it can be pleasant.

I found 4 really nice friends through playground but it took years to pull them out of the mix of other parents

I feel for you OP as I always felt the same as you. I worked full time, so rarely could do school pick ups. When I did, the other mums were polite and acted friendly, but none would include me in their group conversations etc. I’d be stood on my own nearby, having smiled/waved/said hi (to which they’d all respond but then would keep their backs turned to me slightly, wouldn’t say anything further to include me, etc). I always felt like my kids weren’t invited to parties etc because they didn’t like me. I’d invite their kids for play dates, they’d very occasionally happen but most of the time there would be excuses made.

I wasn’t aware of any class WhatsApp groups - but then during Covid, I was added to a WhatsApp group with the other mums from my youngest son’s primary class. Great I thought. Except then the person posted to say basically sorry for setting up the second group, but not everyone was in the original group… then went on to ask us all to make a donation towards buying some hampers for the teachers. So I was good enough to be asked for money (and they had my number) but they’d never wanted to invite me to join the class WhatsApp. Had I been aware of it, I could have asked to join - but I didn’t know it existed! I was really hurt.

I don’t have any words of wisdom as it still hurts to think back to it now. I am currently on a waiting list for ADHD assessment, and I suspect that maybe if I find I am, it would explain why I struggle to fit in. I’ve always thought of myself as kind and a people pleaser - I’d always do whatever I can to help someone or be there if needed, that kind of thing. I don’t go around badmouthing people, I don’t gossip, my eldest and youngest were exceptionally well behaved (middle son as always a nightmare, but that was more that he was a handful as suspected ADHD & ASD - he wasn’t a horror, just hard work)…. I always looked much younger than my age, and although I was 25 when I had my first, I looked significantly younger than all of the other mums, so I wonder if that was anything to do with it.

I think the only thing you can do is keep inviting your daughter’s friends for play dates. It sucks to always be the one to make the effort, but it might be the only way you can do it. Look at clubs, see if there are any she might be interested in joining. She might make friends there that aren’t from her school.

No matter how hard I try with people I am not good enough so how do I stop ruining my daughters life?
By stopping being so dramatic. Some people are more charismatic than others, it’s just the way life is. And for those of us that aren’t naturally confident in social situations, we just have to make a bit of effort to put ourselves out there. These women don’t start out their days trying to exclude you. They’re just getting on with their lives. Don’t take it so personally. Ask to join the WhatsApp group and someone will add you!

That's great OP! People often prefer to just stick with the easier option of people they've got to know early on rather than branching out and making more friends so it might just be that. I hope your dd has a great time!

This is a small school her class is made up of pre schoolers, reception and year 1. She is reception with a total of 4 pupils and the entire class when all pre schoolers are in is about 12. I think the whole school from preschool to year 6 is about 55 to 60 pupils. So very easy to not fit with parents have kids in the school for years and having there friend groups. It is not about I accepted years ago I am not meant to have friends. I just want people to tolerate me so she can friends.