Letting baby cry herself to sleep

[KimBots]

I'm a first time mum to a beautiful baby girl 💖

She is 7 weeks old and can usually settle herself to sleep for daytime naps with no problems.

However when it comes to actual bedroom at night, she struggles to sleep. She shows cues of being tired, but can't.

I've tried helping her, but it doesn't work. The routine hasn't changed, but she seems more unsettled.

I change her, feed her, bump her, let her cuddle with me (this works for daytime naps), play soft lullabies in the background, dress her in appropriate clothing (light if it's warm) and have the lamp on so it's not too bright or dark.

She lets me hold her, but it doesn't seem o make any difference.

People have said it's normal for a baby's sleep pattern to change and they can cry for no reason. She's not ill or anything like that.

I've tried everything I can think of. A friend suggested just letting her cry it out. I tried everything and left the bedroom and stayed in the living room. I had her monitor with me so I could see what she was doing. She cried for ages, but she did fall asleep.

I feel guilty because I don't like seeing and hearing her cry. But at the same time I can't think of anything else I can do.

Is this OK?

No. It’s not okay. There is a reason the NHS doesn’t endorse cry it out methods. There are also (sadly) very good reasons why they say it is not alright for a seven week old to be in a separate room.

Turn the lights and music off. Cuddle your baby. Before you know it she’ll be a moody teenager who won’t want to know you!

At 7 weeks your baby should still be inside you. (Human babies are born 3 months premature - the shape we need our pelvis to be to walk upright means they would never get through if they were inside us for 12 months.)

Being awake at night ensures their survival. They don’t know that they aren’t at risk of wild animals because we don’t live in caves anymore.

She wants to hear your voice and your heartbeat, to be held constantly and rocked. Not left on her own in a room being watched on a monitor.

I honestly don’t understand how you could have got to the point of giving birth without any understanding of newborn dynamics. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s not okay to leave a child of any age to cry. If you were distressed and just wanted a hug from the people who love you would you accept being left to sob yourself to sleep? If you couldn’t talk and could only cry?

At 7 weeks this tiny baby barely knows she’s been born. She needs and deserves close contact and comfort. She should have all sleep in the same room as an adult and she doesn’t need a routine!

I honestly question the instincts of people who suggest neglect of a newborn as your so called friend apparently did. When your baby, new, so small, vulnerable, distressed, cries she’s doing it because she needs something, it’s the only way she can communicate with you and as her mum it’s your responsibility and your job to actually look after her. That means cuddling, feeding, pacing, lying with her, using a carrier, taking her for a walk, whatever it takes. Leaving her in a room to sob herself to sleep is not parenting or adequate care.

I wouldn’t let a baby cry it out at any age. No way.

I personally would not leave a 7 week old baby crying.
I wouldn't expect a 7 week old baby to have a sleep routine.
I was awake close to 24/7 for at least 12 weeks on both, excluding mini naps between feeding.
The baby should be close to their mother at this age.

No it’s not. Don’t be ridiculous.

No its not okay.....whatsoever.
Cry it out has been scientifically proven to be psychologically damaging to babies.

It's really hard being a new mum knowing who to beleive when everyone is bombarding you with different advice.
And sleep wise sometimes you feel like you want to try anything you can just to get them to settle in those early days!

But the best advice I can give is 'listen to your instincts' you feel guilty because you are going against these, and you sound like a lovely mum.
Please don't listen to people like this 'friend' and let their inaccurate views get in your head and stop you from being the caring and responsive mum you are naturally wanting and trying to be.

I'm all for sleep training. I Ferberized my DS at 6 months, he was already showing signs of self settling, it worked like a dream, he cried for 15 minutes and never again.

What you are describing is not acceptable and completely against any sleep training advice. 7 weeks is extremely young. She cannot self settle..there is no routine. She is attached to you. You don't let her cry. You let her sleep next to you, on you, on your boob, whatever works.

My son only slept vertically on my chest for the first 6 weeks. You do what they need. You don't get to shut the door on them, sorry.

I get that you're desperate. But maybe accept it's a sleep deprived shit show and lean into it. Feed to sleep, cosleep, etc.

I’m not sure what else you are doing at this stage that’s more important than being with your very small baby.
No I would not let them cry on their own like that, but look all I will say is follow your own instincts. It starts now. I think the reason you are posting was because it felt off to do this, start listening to that feeling, it’s very important you go with that feeling and don’t let’s friends or anyone else tell you otherwise. All the very best and congratulations.

Not ok. Too young to be left to cry it out.

As someone who has sleep trained an older baby and is a huge advocate (although not of cry it out specifically), no please don’t do this with a 7 week old baby. They want and need you. She is probably hungry. They feed ALL the time at this age, particularly night time. I get it, it’s exhausting. Our second I couldn’t put down at all, ever, for the first 8 weeks. He still won’t sleep well anywhere but on me at night. It’s absolutely exhausting but they are so little and need you at this age.

This, it always seems so much longer than it is. The I-CON guidence is actually to put them down.

For me I would make sure she is fed , clean and dry then put her down and set a timer for 10 minutes, sit your self down and get a cuppa, then if she is still crying at 10 minutes go back. I did this twice only with my first. 7 weeks is the absolute peak for crying.

https://www.hampshirescp.org.uk/parents-and-carers/supporting-parents-for-under-ones/icon-infant-crying/

At 7 week no it’s not ok, babies need to feel close to feel safe, hearing your heartbeat reminds them of being in the womb and regulates breathing.

i understand it’s tiring, i have a 6 year old & 4 month old so it’s like we’re starting all over again! As an retired midwife auntie told me ‘no other species put their babies away from them to sleep’

but then again I’m all for bed sharing etc we’re just lucky this time our 4 month old (after lots of soothing and a full belly) will sleep in the next to me! Our first co slept till we moved her at 18 months & even then there were lots of tears!

id definitely put the lamp off, bathroom light with door a little open lots of cuddles etc currently we have to stand and sway & shush shush noises we also swaddle day naps and night still and she sleeps longer upstairs her naps, she’s a very light sleeper so will be wide awake at any noise.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/future/article/20220322-how-sleep-training-affects-babies

A few years old now, but fairly comprehensive. Don't do it, OP, she's way too young.

Baby sleep sucks. It's supposed to suck. Social media has created unrealistic expectations of babies sleeping 7-7 at eight weeks old. Really, before deciding to have a baby, parents should be told that for the first six months they should expect to get up every 3 hours or so and that night waking is normal in the first three years of life. You might get lucky and have a baby who sleeps better than that, or you might get unlucky and have one who sleeps worse.

No, the ICON guidance is designed to prevent babies being shaken by overwhelmed parents, not as a parenting technique. It’s a last resort for when parents are feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope, to step away briefly (and I would argue ten minutes isn’t particularly brief) to calm down so they can safely care for their baby.

Calmly leaving a 7 week old baby to cry while you have a cuppa I actually find quite concerning, the normal mothering instinct is to help your baby when they cry and I’d be concerned about PND or something if a mother doesn’t feel this way towards her newborn.

I personally don’t understand leaving babies to cry at any age, seems totally unnatural and cruel to me, but 7 weeks is frankly barbaric.

Also, I don’t understand how people can do this, even at 6 months, I hear my baby cry I want to hold her and cuddle her instinctively, maybe I’m too emotional I tried the crying out at 18 months with first and just couldn’t! At 7 weeks she doesn’t know she’s separate from you.

this won’t last long I promise, cuddle in bed then move to next to me (Moses baskets are useless imo) safely. Lots of coffee & patience.

She sounds like she's doing amazing if she can settle herself during the day. At this age I really wouldn't expect a baby to do this.
Little babies are often overtired at night and like to feed on and off. So she might need you to put her to sleep.
I'm all for sleep training, and trained both mine at 6mo but I do think this is too young. So perhaps keep going with the naps and help her out at bed time till 5 or 6mo.

Please don't let your baby cry it out, she's only 7 weeks old!

Turn off the lamp!

You are misunderstanding this advice. This means that If a parent feels overwhelmed it is ok to put down the baby for a bit to calm down. You should not ignore the cries of a very small otherwise. A baby of under 6 months should not be left alone in a room for too long.

This is interesting, I would think that not thinking you could leave a baby that was clean, dry and fed for 10 minutes was more likely to lead to a mother not meeting her own needs( for food, a shower etc) and therefore place her at risk of PND. Similarly I can't see 10 minutes as "too long" in this context. If 10 minutes is too long maybe try 2 minutes.

Oh please don’t leave her to cry

My DS had colic for the first 4 months of his life, I was a wreck and didn’t know how much more screaming I could bear, so I understand completely how overwhelming it is. Sometimes when I had tried everything I could think of to settle my DS and he would just keep screaming, I would give up trying to get him to sleep and put him in a warm bath, which 95% of the time calmed him down enough to get him feeling relaxed and sleepy again. Have you tried that? Water seems to really regulate unhappy babies.

It does end, I promise! My boy is now 7.5mo and a cheerful little soul who sleeps like a log.

CIO for the first time with an 18 month old was never going to work. They're much too old, they can really really cry and hurt themselves. I did Ferber at 5.5 / 6 months because it suited my baby's temperament. Rocking him and holding him was overstimulating him, he would cry in my arms for over an hour before he could sleep. And I noticed that sometimes he could self settle easily so I decided to put him down. He cried for 15 minutes. It was hard but it was once. He cried 5 minutes the next night. Zero on night no.3. We went from sleeping 90 minutes at a time to 1-2 wakes night, sometimes none.

Everyone recommends cosleeping but it really didn't work for us, it actually made his sleep much much worse.

Sleep training really suits some babies. Not at 7 weeks, that's crazy.

She is just too young to self settle at this age. Keep trying different things to settle her until you find something that works. Maybe wait longer before trying to transfer to the cot? Do you have a partner who could walk her round in the sling for awhile after a feed. They might also not have day and night properly sorted yet and just not be ready to sleep at that time.

Also make sure they are not getting overstimulated in the evenings. That can also make them harder to settle at night.

I think it’s fine to leave them to cry for long enough to meet your needs (shower, food etc) they are too young to just be left to cry to go to sleep.