Anyone truly happy with two kids?

[dancethedancetoday]

I don’t ask this to start a fight, I am genuinely curious and looking for a wide range of answers. Are people actually happy with two (or more) children? It seems like it’s the ‘gold standard’ that people want…but I just don’t see many people thriving with it. I was at the stage of considering a second, but honestly I am swaying towards no (however I think I always was) No one I know is really selling it! Of the 10 or so two-child families I’m close to, one seems genuinely happy, they’ve got a 5-year age gap, the kids get on well, are lovely and they seem very content. But the others are exhausted, and frankly, a bit miserable, they moan about everything:

• never having time to themselves
• kids constantly ill or fighting
• finances stretched
• being glorified taxi drivers
• never having a babysitter for more than one
• holidays being more expensive or hard to do/impossible
• no money because of childcare costs etc
• never getting time as a couple or individuals (and marriages failing etc)
• not getting on with the children or the children not getting on with each-other.
• never having fun because they’re always having to have strict routines etc.

The reason I am putting this to MN now is because two mums (in separate chats) recently said to me that they wish they had stuck with one! My DP is really put off by it all and keeps saying we’ve hit the nail on the head with family life! We’ve got one (primary age) and life feels good: we rarely, if ever, complain about any of the above.

So… is anyone genuinely happy with two? And if so, why? I’d love to hear a different perspective and again, I really do not put this out there to offend!

And just to add, I think this probably particularly true given the age of your child - people assume you're definitely one and done now, so only the most insensitive of souls would start spouting about how amazing having two is. They also probably see you as a safer 'space' to moan about having two than other parents of two, who they may feel may make them feel worse for finding it tough sometimes if they don't feel the same (I remember from the baby sleep days - nothing worse than having a moan to a parent who is like 'oh no, I don't have that problem at all!'). Being honest, if another parent of two told me they regretted their second I would try very hard not to seem judgemental, but perhaps I would without meaning to, and I certainly wouldn't be able to make it seem like I felt the same, as I find the idea of wishing away DS2 quite upsetting - and I guess that's an attitude they're trying to avoid, and that they think they're less likely to encounter in you.

I love having 3

I've read a lot of commentary elsewhere that suggests 2 is the hardest number because you're still trying to juggle everything you tried to do for your first child, but for 2 children. Whereas when you have 3 or more that becomes impossible, so you are simply forced to mellow out, not be so controlling, not have such a tightly packed schedule, and so on. And you also notice that kids are simply born different and that your parenting choices tend not to have the degree of influence on any outcome that you sometimes assume when you only have 1, so that can help you relax about things a bit too.

We have two, three years apart. I like the fact that they’re such different personalities. They do squabble but they can also be good company for each other. One thing that I’ve learned from my in-laws (who have four children) is to teach your children to be each other’s cheerleaders. Even though they squabble sometimes , they also encourage and praise each other.

Sometimes you feel stretched in all directions but now that they’re 20 and nearly 17, it’s less so. Their childhoods pass so quickly and then you have two independent adults.

When I was fertile and my youngest a toddler , I was desperate for a third and quite upset when dh ( ! ) was not .
A few years down the line and we divorced , and I realise single life with 3 near teenagers would have been a different story !

I've got three, always planned to have three and I'm very happy with that choice. I think it's a bit of an odd question as I know very few people with only one or even two children. Most of my friends have got three or four. I'm not sure why you wouldn't want your child to have siblings if you can.

Yes I am happy with 2, I’ve never wanted an only child.

Mine are older now, but yes it was undoubtedly easier handling one if the other one was away out somewhere or something! But never have I wished I haven’t had the 2 of them

I have two. Close in age.

• yeah my children fight but they also play nicely and keep each other company.
• I get plenty of time to myself and with my husband. We have several date nights a year and recently went away for one night.
• I also get plenty of time to myself with my friends.
• Holidays aren’t that much more expensive. We book a two room cottage, you’d do that with one anyway.
• can’t comment on childcare as DH is the breadwinner and I’ve always worked weekends.
• we have plenty of fun as a family. Yeah sometimes it’s stressful if they’re fighting but that’s just a stage.

i’m really happy with my family of 4. My two wouldn’t be without each other.
that being said, I personally wouldn’t start all over again when you have a child at primary school already. My two are coming towards the end of their primary school years and I couldn’t think of anything worse.

Being an only child myself, I absolutely love having two! They benefit so much from having one another.

I have three children - 11, 4 and 1. I often think my life would be easier if we’d stopped at 1 or 2 but I also think that life would be easier if we’d had none.

Life is hard right now. DD1 is just heading off to secondary, DD2 is just heading off to primary and DS is at that challenging age where he’s desperate to communicate but can’t yet. They are all so different to each other and I love them all with every bit of me. Doesn’t mean I can’t whinge about the tough days.

I remind myself that everything passes and the love I have for my three little monsters is worth the stress. It’s not for everyone but I definitely wouldn’t change a thing. DH has had a vasectomy now because we both feel done. We didn’t after DD2!

Only child here. We had two about three years apart. They are chalk and cheese but had a great childhood together. Loads of fun, friends with each others mates etc. We travelled a good deal. My job was term time. A third was unthinkable financially and practically.

A lot of things are geared towards a family of 4 - cars, hotel rooms, restaurant tables etc, so going from one child to two is really not a problem from a logistics standpoint.

Also, two parents looking after two children is easy because you can have a parent with each child when doing various hobbies or activities.

I have 3 and of course its challenging at times but there are moments of pure joy.

My 3 all have the same sense of humour and I love watching them laugh together.

all 3 have each others back (especially when one is being told off!).

No one can ever possibly understand your family and what was your normal growing up other than a sibling.

i am one of 3 myself and when my dad died I was so lucky to have them

I hear you op! I have 2 (14 months & 4)

starting to get snippets of them playing together and lovely moments together

but for a long time i hated it and I still find it very hard as we don’t have a lot of help or family around - I was just starting to get my life back before I got pregnant again and sometimes im like WTF have I done…

and trips away are so much more expensive - well will be when I have to pay for the baby.

but obviously I love them both and I do see glimpses of the future and things getting easier

I have 3 and I’m truly happy with them. I love chaos and embraced it all.
I don’t mind being a taxi driver but now dc1 drives and he loves being asked to be a taxi driver, my dc get on with each other, they get on with us, we can afford holidays, finances are stretched but kids understand,
I’ve always worked and switched to part time when dc1 was born. I have always had time for myself and with friends as dh was happy to look after dc by himself. I go on weekend breaks with friends too without dc and dh.
It’s not all roses and we have ups and dunes and struggles but doesn’t everyone?

We have two. 2.5 year age gap ages 5.5 and 3. We are lucky in the fact we didn't have any childcare fees. I can imagine that things would have been financially awful if we'd had to pay for childcare. When the second was born it was hard work with a 2.5 year old. But really only for a couple of years. Much better now. They are starting to play together nicely although sometimes they squabble a lot etc but I was the eldest of four and we were always at odds with each other at various times/stages growing up. I'm really looking forward to the next 8 years as I think about all the fun they will have together and all the holidays/ activities we can all do together as a family. I imagine teenage years will be more tricky though 😂

I’m very happy having two and definitely didn’t want just one. The thing is that I think your list of downsides applies to any family situation where a decision wasn’t right or thought through, not to having two children specifically.

• We both have time to ourselves. Both see friends, both travel independently.
• All siblings do fight, but mine are rarely ill. They are old enough now that I can tell them to knock it off.
• Our finances aren’t stretched. Actually our careers and household income have grown exponentially since we became parents.
• You’ll be a taxi driver even if you only have one. It’s my first, not my second that requires all the driving around.
• We could have a babysitter for two if we wanted, no more difficult than for one, but we just opt not to.
• Sure, holidays are more expensive because of an extra child, but not prohibitively so. The main obstacle to holidays is the bloody dog! The kids are easy. We often have to go away separately because of the dog and we have a farm, but we’ve had fab holidays.
• Childcare costs were high initially, pre-funded hours made a huge difference. Went from £1000 a month for one to at most £200 a month. Spaced children so only ever paying for childcare for 1.
• We generally have a happy family life and a happy solid marriage. If your marriage falls apart after children, it’s not because you had children. And one more probably isn’t going to change anything.
• Dh and I both have plenty of time to ourselves. We both go on lots of holidays alone and with friends/family. I walked a Camino last year. Dh went climbing in France. I went to Australia for 2 weeks when my eldest was a baby, to America many times. I ride horses. Dh cycles and runs. I go off walking and wild camping. It’s possible because we support each other, not because of how many children we have.
• We don’t have family support so no babysitting or help with childcare, so we go out for daytime dates. But our rubbish families were rubbish before we even had one child! 😂

Generally, I don’t think having a 2nd child made a huge difference. He’s by far the easier one! But I had both of mine with a lovely Dh, which did make a difference.

Just curious, how was your relationship affected by you wanting to have 3rd and DH not? Is it something you regret? Or did you get over it quickly? Did/do you resent him…?

If my parents had stopped at one then I would not exist!