Anyone truly happy with two kids?

[dancethedancetoday]

I don’t ask this to start a fight, I am genuinely curious and looking for a wide range of answers. Are people actually happy with two (or more) children? It seems like it’s the ‘gold standard’ that people want…but I just don’t see many people thriving with it. I was at the stage of considering a second, but honestly I am swaying towards no (however I think I always was) No one I know is really selling it! Of the 10 or so two-child families I’m close to, one seems genuinely happy, they’ve got a 5-year age gap, the kids get on well, are lovely and they seem very content. But the others are exhausted, and frankly, a bit miserable, they moan about everything:

• never having time to themselves
• kids constantly ill or fighting
• finances stretched
• being glorified taxi drivers
• never having a babysitter for more than one
• holidays being more expensive or hard to do/impossible
• no money because of childcare costs etc
• never getting time as a couple or individuals (and marriages failing etc)
• not getting on with the children or the children not getting on with each-other.
• never having fun because they’re always having to have strict routines etc.

The reason I am putting this to MN now is because two mums (in separate chats) recently said to me that they wish they had stuck with one! My DP is really put off by it all and keeps saying we’ve hit the nail on the head with family life! We’ve got one (primary age) and life feels good: we rarely, if ever, complain about any of the above.

So… is anyone genuinely happy with two? And if so, why? I’d love to hear a different perspective and again, I really do not put this out there to offend!

When I was pregnant with my second I’ll never forget an elderly neighbour looking at me sadly and saying “oh dear…it’s so tempting to stop at one.” And I thought eh? She’d had two sons and obviously regretted the second!

But I equally don’t understand people who love their first so much they decide that’s it. We had so much love and joy with all three of our babies, I would’ve had four but ran out of youth and money!

And that’s the only thing I would say. All of our ‘only child’ friends have had far more money to spend on holidays and house renovations which I envy. But then I wouldn't swap in a million years. I guess it’s down to what brings you the most happiness.

I have one and most of my friends have two. I spend a lot of time with them. One family the kids get on great (parents seem happy), the other family the kids fight like cat and dog (parents very stressed), the other family the youngest has SEN and parents constantly being dragged between both kids. This mum said she was always happy with just one but her dh wanted another. Their lives are stressful.

Each to their own and I’m happy with my choice but I think some people feel that 2 is a magic number so they just go with it.

I think it must entirely depend on whether you actually like children or not. One is manageable if you don't really and just wanted to try one of the Big Life Experiences. Two is presumably just for the people who actually don't find them boring and sticky.

I’ve got 2 and I wouldn’t rather have one. I feel like the added benefit of the second in terms of the family dynamic definitely outweighs the extra effort. Mine are both still small too so I’m definitely still in the trenches in terms of nappies / sleeping / no independence. I wouldn’t make a different decision if I did it again though.

loads of things are set up for a family of 4 - it's pretty normal.

I'm not going to say that I don't appreciate that as a family of 3 (single mum and 2 kids) I appreciate that we fit in most standard hotel rooms still (two of us in the big bed, one on a pull out), but that's not enough of a reason.

The plus-sides of 2 is that they have someone else to play/hangout with/bounce off of so it's not all on me. I think as much as I love my two, having either of them completely undiluted might be quite a lot!

I don't find it to be a financial or otherwise struggle TBH, perhaps that's why I prioritise having them both over just having one.

I'm slightly anti more, simply because I was one of 4, and I remember how much of a pain it was having too many for family tickets etc, plus we weren't well off, so it was all a bit crowded, and I don't really know my sister who was 6 years younger than me because as she entered somewhere (eg. primary, secondary) I was just leaving. I didn't hate it, but I consciously decided not to do that.

With 2 (or more), it is more fun. They can do things together, they have their own child lives and interactions. Mine are 12 and 15, boy and girl, don't always get along but deeply love each other and get a lot out of the relationship. She is a role model for him - he is not as naturally athletic but she gave him inspiration and courage to apply himself and he's made it into top football team. I wish I had more but I wanted to have a career too and it seemed impossible with 3 or more. But I love having 2 and, while it is more work it is also so rewarding and fun.

I mean this really kindly - other people's experiences won't help you much here. Some people love it, some don't. The early years with more than one kid are tough, but it gets a lot easier as they get older. I have started to feel we now have an easier ride in many ways than our friends with one as our kids entertain each other much better than we can. I sometimes feel sorry for the one child families on holiday with the kid looking a bit bored/lonely and the parents fed up of playing with them. But on the other hand, you undeniably have a lot more grown up time to yourself, a more relaxed life, less running around when you have one child. Swings and roundabouts really and totally dependent on you and your partners views. I'm an only child and spent my childhood so jealous of my friends with siblings, but I've had friends who have multiple siblings say they were jealous of only children.

It's definitely a completely different ball game going from one child to two and not for the faint-hearted! If your gut is saying you're happy with one, then stick with that.

Op all the things you list are about having children not having two - it’s just more. So you are a taxi to one but do more driving with two.

I couldn’t have imagined my life without my amazing kids. I wouldn’t have been happy with one. I have close family who are only kids and it affected them (their mun couldn’t have more so no choice).

I love having 2. Mine are 3 years apart and as the eldest is heading into the teenage years, the gap feels particularly large at the moment. When they were both under 10, they played together so well. I’m hoping that when the little one becomes a teen, the gap will feel smaller again as they don’t seem to have anything in common at the moment. I have a boy and a girl. I’d never regret having 2 though. They’re both brilliant. I was an only child for 7 years and desperate for a sibling so I knew I’d have more than one. The only thing I think I would change is to have a smaller age gap but also that wouldn’t have been affordable when they were nursery aged so couldn’t have happened really.

Bizarre question IMO.

I have three - I had one child for 10 years, then had two within 3 years of each other.

I much prefer the dynamics of a larger family. It's not "truly" like having three because they're not all so close in age - some of the typical dynamics of siblings are removed between eldest and the younger two.

There are pros and cons to one-child families vs larger families. If you're happy with the one child experience then I wouldn't have a second "just because" it's the done thing. I personally didn't enjoy it as much because I found it too intense/stifling - I was always obsessing over DS1 because I didn't have much else to focus on. DS2 & 3 get a bit more healthy space, I think (even though DS2 is quite intense and has quite intense needs).

Yes there's more crowd control and the bits that they need you for are more numerous but I don't mind that - I love seeing them all interact and the relationships build with the three of them.

What an odd question, do you really think that parents of only one child can be happy?

I can't imagine only having one and never wanted that but that has zero bearing on how many children you should have, why would it?

I love love having three and also thought two was better than one.

Absolutely love having two and in our little bubble, I have the perfect family. I wouldn’t write something like that on social media but within the 4 walls of our house, I certainly think it everyday. I know my husband does too. I love everything from walks with them to days out to watching a movie on the sofa with them. They make me laugh so many times a day and that totally outweighs telling them off for arguing (lots!) over the holidays 😁 When they are best friends, I just stop and watch them playing together even though you know its not going to last all day 😅

Kids fight, kids get ill, life is busy, juggling work and home is always non-stop, but I wouldn’t change a thing about having two. Im going to dread the quiet in the future when they’ve gone off to Uni etc (even though i’ll always encourage them to follow whatever they want to do).

Yes! Definitely am truly happy with 2+ children! Finances are not a point of stress for us (so far) so I'm not commenting on that aspect, but in general you do have agency over how you raise your kids! Why do you have to have a strict routine for example? And to the extent you do have a routine, which basically just means they have a nap at the same time each day, why can't you have any fun when your baby is asleep?! I think your list is waaaay too negative. The only real consideration here is whether the finances support the way you want to raise your family (included in that is the option to live more frugally, and have more children).

I have one (not by choice) and as she’s got older it’s got harder (she’s now 15). She is lonely a lot of the time. We don’t have a big family nearby, we don’t have many family friends and are quite quite ourselves.

Of course the grass is always greener but it makes me sad a lot.

20 month age gap and they're both just about adults now. I've loved it and have actually secretly felt sorry for people with just one child (I'm an only child myself).

I love the relationship between my two, how they chat together, support each other. We worked hard to foster that when they were little.

It was very hard work at times but so worth it and I think easier in some ways than having one. They had company on family holidays and days out, company at home even if they were just watching CBBC.

Yes I love having 2. They get along well most of the time and have great banter with eachother. DD idolises her big brother and in years to come if they are out in night clubs etc it gives me great comfort that he will keep an eye out for her. He is only 14 now but very mature & responsible, she is very free spirited, trusting of strangers etc I love that he always 'has her back'. It was risky for me to have a second. I sustained horrific injuries during my first delivery so it was a huge decision..what made me decide was I didnt want to leave my DS all alone in this world one day.

In saying all of that I have a sibling and she is a massive pain in the arse. My Dad is dead and I honestly think in the future when my Mum sadly passes I will have very little to do with her!
However I am trying to raise my children differently, not how I was raised in that I was like a substitute for my Dad who was away alot with work and my Mother who had a lot of issues. She treated my sister like a golden child, I could win student of the year at school and my sister could cone 5th in an art competition but that would be what would be celebrated! 🙄

Anyway I'm rambling 😂

Two is great and perfectly manageable but just raise them equally and fairly. I celebrated both my kids equally even though one has more obvious talents. I also have one of each which I think is the icing on the cake but you are not allowed say or think that on MN 🙈🙈

Def happy with two. I always wanted 3 but DH didn’t - said it was a child for each hand, and with 3 logistically things are more expensive like bigger houses/ cars etc although in hindsight I can see that also applied to 2!!

i have a boy and girl, 20 months a part. They do squabble at times but when they get on which is actually quite a lot they are excellent company for each other and us. It really makes my heart full to see them walking ahead of us chatting on their own, laughing their heads off playing Roblox together etc. they get on even better now they are teenagers as they are able to do a lot more independently of us as parents. I love this as I never really got on with my brother and our relationship outside our parents wasn’t encouraged and often would be made rivals by them so it really does give me the warm and fuzzies to know they will always have each other.

Thanks so much for all the replies, it’s been lovely reading such positive responses.

Just to clarify, I’m not asking because I’m trying to make a decision for myself, I’ve more or less made up my mind. I agree that everyone should do what feels right for their own family. I am genuinely just curious about why some people choose to have more than one child - the list I shared came from real things parents have said to me over time, not something I made up and yes I agree, it’s so negative! Which is exactly why I was interested to hear from a wider group so again, it’s lovely to hear such contrasting opinions.

I also completely agree with those who said that two feelings can exist at once, like being happy and stressed and yes, people do love a good moan now and then!

Thanks again, everyone!

It didn't look like any fun to me, so I always knew I would only have one. Tbh, I find it baffling that so many people have more than one child.

Different people have different experiences.

Person A) Has family help and a good support network so get breaks/date nights and the like as grandparents have kids for sleepovers. They also have ‘easy’ kids. Kids that are amicable, placid and easy going and not hard work

Person B) Has no family support, DH works shifts so it’s hard to get in to a real routine, her kids are more hard work in that they aren’t placid and easy going and their personality is temperamental.

Two very different experiences so two very different answers. Person A is likely to say how easy and great it is, person B not so.

Just in case it's helpful to understand why you have such heard contrasting opinions - I would never say anything of the positive things I've said to you about having two to any of the parents of only children I know in real life, and wouldn't have said them to a parent of an only child online if you hadn't asked for them. I'm very aware that having one child may or may not be a choice, and that even if it is a choice it is obviously a bit crass to start going on about how brilliant I think having two is to a parent of one. Similarly, I never tell my friends without children that I think having children is the best, most joy-inducing, most life-affirming choice I've ever made, but it doesn't mean I don't feel that way.

I love having two. There is 3 years between them and whilst they do fight, they also encourage, support and stick up for each other. We go on multiple holidays a year with no major issues other than silly squabbles over things like who gets to summon the lift first. It may get harder as they become teenagers but no issues so far (10 & 7).

My experiences of only childhood meant that I had no intention of only having one if we were having children.

I love two. And find parenting one on their own much harder as together they entertain each other.
we organise lots of play dates but equally I never feel pressure to find them other kids to play with because they have each other and they’re not lonely.
the bond between them and their own little world/language etc is hands down the best part of being a parent for me.

I often times think life would sometimes be easier logistically with one, but the joy and love is simply unmeasurable

I’ll be the first to admit, I struggled to adapt to 2. First 6 weeks were hell and I thought we had made a mistake, 6 weeks - 12 weeks were a bit better, 3-6m were manageable and now DD2 is 9m I am loving it.

We just got back from a trip to Canada and both our girls were dreams, so adaptable and all of us had a great time. Neither of them were any trouble on the flights etc.

2 is affordable to us so I can’t say I would feel hard done by about that plus we knew what our nursery costs would be from DD1 so also no surprises.

Baby sitters is harder but they’re young & how much time would we expect to spend away from them anyway? We don’t live near family so would pay the nursery staff to watch them for an evening so we can have a date night. 2 is easy for nursery staff!

As a couple we both prioritise 1:1 time each with each of our daughters and time for ourselves. It probably helps both of them are in decent sleep routines though.

I guess it depends on so many variables. How much people planned before deciding to have a second, what finances are like, any unexpected changes in personal circumstances, temperament of the children, what sort of help from family etc etc. But if you don’t want a second definitely don’t have one as I did and it was still a wild adjustment 😂