Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

She’s 12 and has clearly been traumatised by something. Get a grip.

What a charmer you are! This child is being raised by another woman because her own mother can't or won't, she should be treated and respected like a biological mother. On MN step mothers are considered to be the lowest of the low, having all the responsibilities but no authority. Once 100% is handed to a parent and step parent then anyone else should keep out.

Or perhaps she needs someone to treat her like a human being and actually ask what the problem is before going off the deep end. No one is saying it’s acceptable but it’s certainly an indication that something is wrong.

So you think meeting violence with violence is the answer ? Here’s a good idea - find out what’s happened first and then put the boundaries in place about acceptable behaviour and how to handle distress.

The lack of empthy from some people here, that I assume are parents, is awful.

Of course violence is never acceptable, I think she knows that herself - she wouldn't be locking herself away if she didn't feel terrible. It still needs discussing, but that can wait. While she's still in a hightened state it would only make everything worse. And throwing her out? Well. she's 12 so I'm sure that wouldn't go down well anyway but if she is in some kind of awful situation, it would only push her deeper into it.

OP, I don't have any practical advice, I've not got to the tween stage yet, I just wanted to be another voice saying I think you are handling it really well to counteract the ones who seem to think 12 year olds should be abandoned at the first sign on trouble.

Never had contact with her mum? Are you sure?

It is my DS who was explosive, he didn’t hit me, but defo hit sister. He would loud loud shout at me if I tried to find out what fight was about or try to mediate.

For him I think he was trying to scare me away. He knew that I would back away from the confrontation.

Then I changed the dynamic. I thought, I’m not going to let him make me leave, esp if he’s been hitting or annoying sister.

The next time, I stepped towards him and hugged him, no words. The situation totally changed. I started doing that, it was I think he was just not in control of emotions and just outburst. He wanted acceptance from me, even if he did something wrong.

It worked for us, he is a sweet boy but when he knew he did wrong & would get in trouble he did not know what to do … so he would shout and act scary & shout leave him alone, but it’s not really what he wanted. He felt crap & wanted to feel accepted, loved, & hug helped.

(his sister was furious - why isn’t he in trouble???!!!!)

Being concerned does not mean doing nothing. The OP removed the child and defused the situation, and is now concerned about how best to deal with it all. That is good parenting. There are several possible explanations for the behaviour, from the run-of-the-mill to the very concerning, but this situation required action as well as concern.

What kind of phone does she have and what kind of control do you have over it?

You wanna go and spend the night with her and find out what upset her?

She is twelve not 2. Smashing the house up and beating people up isn't an acceptable response to being upset.

Switch your router off OP - turn off WiFi to your house.

Her dad needs to come home early from the work trip and stop travelling for work for a while. The girl needs therapy if she isn’t talking to you or her dad.

You're forgetting that OP is a stepmother though so parenting is not her place. Providing for the child, financing, cooking, cleaning, running her about with lifts, being the sole adult in charge she's responsible for it all, but never parenting.

So a step mother has to de everything with one hand tied behind her back? If the child is in this family 100% then the step-mother is de facto in the role of mother with all the implications of parenting. In some ways it's the same as teachers being in loco parentis when a child is in school, they work to their own standards not the parents'.

I’m a bit confused by your comment. Do you think the OP is doing nothing? Or did the right thing?

Still won’t talk to anyone, her dads tried phoning her phone but she just hangs up and she didn’t want her food but took a bottle of water.

whats fair overnight? She needs to bring her phone downstairs and keep her bedroom door open? I’m not going to be able to sleep anyway but need to know she’s okay.

This.

She'd be a lot more fucking distressed once I'd finished with her. She'd have that phone straight off her and be told she had 60 seconds to give me a phenomenally good explanation for that little display or she could explain herself to the police. That would be my more reasonable reaction.

If small kids had been involved, it would be more a case of 'you get one free pass, this is it; if you ever raise your hand to me again, you won't know what hit you.'

She's 12 bloody years old! Like hell would I be driven out of my own house by a 12 year old. Why are parents so afraid to discipline their own damn kids? I'd never have hit my mum! She'd have flattened me and rightly so.

Sounds reasonable.

You've shown good judgement so far so trust your instincts.

Exactly that’s why an emergency psychiatrist assessment is needed. She might be at risk of self harming or lashing out again.

Sure, but at one point there is going to have to be a consequence/ punishment doled out for this. I doubt it is CSA and is far more likely to pre-teen drama. Unless it actually is the former, I would absolutely expect an apology from either a bio or step child equally.

Who owns this house? Her?

You need to know she's ok, so you march upstairs into her room and take that phone away. Ask if she's ok and she starts screaming again and you walk away and shut the door behind you.

I can't believe why people are so intimidated by a twelve year old. Scared to upset her, scare to approach her, pussy footing around her...BE A PARENT

This lack of control over her and letting her rule the roost, and too scared to approach her, is probably why she's become this bad. It doesn't sound as if she's ever been given boundaries.

I would ideally stick to normal rules with the phone, though agree it would be best for her not to be left with a phone in case there is something going on within the friend group - does she usually have to leave it downstairs at night? Is there a general agreement that parents are allowed to check the content of the phone?

Turning the wifi off won't help if she has data/texts and no parental controls set to get it to shut off access at night.

Do you know any of her friends' parents who she was out with today? I would be quite tempted to contact them and tell them you're really worried because she's been incredibly distressed since she got home and do they know what happened? But in some cases this would cause further drama, so it might be best avoided.

Should could be really horrified/ embarrassed about her behavior and not know how to fix how she is feeling. Or how to repair things with you.

She needs to eat, know you still love her & get a good sleep.

It's quite a leap to jump to the first two. Not impossible but less likely than just usual drama. Do autistic people just have a free pass to awful behaviour now?

Well quite. 4 other people's lives are involved in this.

Have a think about how bad this could get. She continues like this and I wouldn't be staying in a house with her again. I wouldn't be living with her and the threat of violence.

This potentially splits up the marriage, and the father ends up a. Lone parent to his daughter and he doesn't get contact alone or overnight with his two younger children as his eldest daughter is too much of a risk of violence.

There are other people to think about in this situation. Not just a twelve year old who's happy to smash the house up and beat up her step mother.