Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Dsd(12) hit me

778 replies

kewpiedoes · 31/07/2025 18:35

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Thedoorisalwaysopen · 31/07/2025 21:26

Of course it isn't normal behaviour. It's disgusting. Yes, something horrible must have happened with her friends in ton, but no way is it an excuse.
Fast forward a few years, what if she kicks off in her place of work when something doesn't go her way? The consequences will be severe. There were little children in the house who have been sent to another family member to keep them safe because of HER lack of self control.
Let her calm down. Then when she is ready to speak normally, she owes you an explanation and an apology.

Emonade · 31/07/2025 21:27

rubicustellitall · 31/07/2025 19:10

Goodness me you are all so much better than I am. The first time she raised her hands to me would have been the first and last. She would have gotten a slap from me..how dare she carry on like that with you? Nothing she did to you could be justified in any way in my eyes.

If she’s been sexually assaulted? If shes being groomed? If she’s autistic?

Emonade · 31/07/2025 21:27

kewpiedoes · 31/07/2025 18:35

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

This is a massive red flag, I would be very very concerned about grooming, sexual assault etc.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

12 year olds Families
AlertEagle · 31/07/2025 21:28

Franpie · 31/07/2025 21:10

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that this behaviour is not that unusual.

My DD has had full blown physical breakdowns before which included her hitting herself, a wall and me. It’s not happened since very early teens / tweens and every single time it has been when something is going on that she couldn’t deal with but wasn’t ready to share with me. None of those things were truely awful, so I’m not trying to worry you. And once she did share, the problem she was having seemed much smaller to her.

I think at that age hormones are raging, they can become very disregulated and can lash out to those closest to them.

As hard as it may seem, if I were you I would say through the door that you’re not angry, just worried. That you’re downstairs when she’s ready to talk and make-up.

This isnt a usual behaviour for a teenager

MoFadaCromulent · 31/07/2025 21:31

"There are people here saying they would have assaulted the child in return, or would have thrown her out. A very vulnerable, very dysregulated 12 year old child. And these same people consider themselves the voice of reason. Unbelievable."

*"The stepchild"

Absolutely textbook for on here tbf.

The kid is having an absolute meltdown and acting like she's reacting to sometime traumatic. She needs empathy.

None of the hit get back/kick her out gang would be advising this for their own preteen kid, but a stepchild? Fire away. Fucking psychopaths

MathNotMathing · 31/07/2025 21:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Itsahardlife321 · 31/07/2025 21:32

I was a teenager who didn’t know how to control my emotions and if asked too many questions when I was feeling shitty then I’d react terribly. Verbally more so than physically, but I did throw hand with my sister a few times! Being a pre teen/teenage girl is HORRENDOUS! Hormones, boys, there’s always someone prettier and skinnier than you….and that was 25 years ago…now there’s TikTok and Facebook…urgh I’m terrified for my daughter, she’s only 4 and I already hate the thought of the world she has to face! It’s so much worse than when we were kids!
she’s probably had a row, or some kid has said something horrible…cos some kids are horrible! And she feels she can’t talk about it, cos no girls wanna admit to being upset about something that seems trivial to adults, but to them it’s a big issue!
id send her a text, say you’re downstairs and gunna make a hot chocolate, you don’t have to talk but a cwtch and a Jaffa cake before bedtime to clear the air.
And I know you didn’t start it, but you reacted, so drop an apology in aswell, and in a couple of days you’ll probably get a very heartfelt one back when she’s had time to process and realise that despite being a little brat, you still love her. On top of whatever has caused this outburst, and her being a hormonal mess, she is probably thinking my step mum won’t want me around now and I’ll be abandoned again. And she told dad so he’ll be tampin too….poor kid is probably in a right knot up there. Be patient, and just offer kindness and love…in a couple of days explain that nothing is ever bad enough to warrant hitting and if she feels pent up with anger and emotion, to take up a hobby…boxing! Or go for a run!

Whyherewego · 31/07/2025 21:32

kewpiedoes · 31/07/2025 20:53

I don’t think she’s calm enough to come down and feed herself and I’m just trying to show her I care.
My priority right now is to get her out of this state and communicating and to do that she needs to feel care not anger then when her dads home we can talk about the violence because then my next priority will be to have my little ones back in the house where they are safe.

Show quote history

Honestly OP, I think you are handling this well. Ignore the people who are suggesting extreme reactions. As most PP have said, something has happened most likely and she's upset and lashing out.
Food, a calm approach is the best way forward. If she needs telling off for her reaction that can be discussed with DH when he returns.

Lavenderandclimbingrose · 31/07/2025 21:33

kewpiedoes · 31/07/2025 18:35

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

I get all of this. Something has happened. Maybe over years. Maybe something awful. Maybe ND and masking melt down.

I would sit by the door if it is locked with someone else in the house if possible but away from the door.

I would say gentle knock - hey you? I’m here it’s lavender. I’m just checking in - I’m here and you are safe. Can you unlock the door - no need to talk if you don’t want to can I just see you.

Get her face to face - sit on the floor if you can side by side - not in front of her.

if you can sit in the same room. Don’t talk be gentle, don’t ask her to describe how she is feeling or what she feels or thinks. Talk in practical terms.

eg if she will sit on the floor side by side say ‘I’m just checking in. I’m here. You are safe. Anything you need I’m here and you are safe’ offer water and toast etc

have someone in the house downstairs - someone safe eg your sister

whatever she says believe her

it may be a totally unprovoked assault that came for no reason but most extreme behaviour comes from somewhere

RantzNotBantz · 31/07/2025 21:36

OP, I think you are handling this really well.

I would be very worried about what might be going on.

Are you friendly with any parents of her friends that she was in town with? Enough to contact them and ask if they have any info? And to trust them not to tell their Dc that you asked.

Robin67 · 31/07/2025 21:37

Police or biomum to come and collect her if you think police is overkill and she is not an acute danger to anyone. Or any other family member on DH or biomum's side. She needs to know this is not acceptable and you need space from her

AlertEagle · 31/07/2025 21:37

Whatever it is the reaction of her is concerning. I said you asked her a few things I think maybe she wanted to just relax in the car and your questions annoyed her. My mom’s questions used to annoy me a lot when I was your daughters age. Or course her reaction isnt an excuse to the situation

Robin67 · 31/07/2025 21:38

Whyherewego · 31/07/2025 21:32

Honestly OP, I think you are handling this well. Ignore the people who are suggesting extreme reactions. As most PP have said, something has happened most likely and she's upset and lashing out.
Food, a calm approach is the best way forward. If she needs telling off for her reaction that can be discussed with DH when he returns.

Show quote history

IF she needs telling off! In what world is her behaviour acceptable?

Frenchbluesea · 31/07/2025 21:39

coxesorangepippin · 31/07/2025 19:31

I agree with Neil Young and the other poster above

How you're all so accepting and passive of this behavior I do not know

Is it passive and accepting or more concerned about what caused a child to behave this way?

Ljs7 · 31/07/2025 21:39

Hope you can find out what’s happened - seems like something to do with her peers/online stuff.

MumoftwoGranofone · 31/07/2025 21:41

Bless her, it’s so hard being that age when you’re trying to figure out who you are while your hormones are all over the place etc. Just keep being there and keep the communication open so she can chat with you when she’s ready. Maybe go out for a coffee or something tomorrow? Take care …

Knackeredmommy · 31/07/2025 21:45

All sounds very worrying, she’s going through something. Of course it’s not ok that she lashed out at you, but I think you’re handling it well, maybe let her sleep it off and try again tomorrow morning before the little ones come back. Consequences can happen later, hope she talks to you or her Dad and is calmer tomorrow.

OCDmama · 31/07/2025 21:46

Stay the compassionate course.

If this is out of character then something is really wrong for her. I hope she finds some calm soon.

DreamingOfALottoWin · 31/07/2025 21:48

Only on mumsnet would you get 'police now' , 'hit her back' and 'Throw her out'

SHE IS 12

Lilaclinacre · 31/07/2025 21:49

She lucky you didnt slap her back i certainly would have done. If you attack somebody expect a slap back. That being said you need to ring her dad. This behaviour should not be tolerated.

hulahooper2 · 31/07/2025 21:51

My dd punched me once when she was @12 , she was upset about family changes and lashed out , it was awful but she’s grown up to be a lovely young woman , like they say , it’s a bad day , not a bad life

OneNeatBlueOrca · 31/07/2025 21:52

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 31/07/2025 21:26

Of course it isn't normal behaviour. It's disgusting. Yes, something horrible must have happened with her friends in ton, but no way is it an excuse.
Fast forward a few years, what if she kicks off in her place of work when something doesn't go her way? The consequences will be severe. There were little children in the house who have been sent to another family member to keep them safe because of HER lack of self control.
Let her calm down. Then when she is ready to speak normally, she owes you an explanation and an apology.

She wasn't completely out of control, though. If you ll note she smashed her stepmothers belongings not her own belongings. Always the way. It's the hallmark of an abuser to smash up somebody else's property and not touch their own.

Is this kind of behaviour minimised these days? Like, oh poor little girl, find out what's wrong with her?But something must have happened to her. As if that excuses beating an adult up and destroying their property.

This child was probably raised with "gentle hands" when she slapped another child and with no real consequences

Letsgoforaskip · 31/07/2025 21:54

You sound like an amazing stepmum OP. Of course what she did isn’t right but you are doing the right thing by acting as the parent and the adult. I hope she calms down and you get some answers soon.

ButterCrackers · 31/07/2025 21:54

This is dangerous and unacceptable. Call the police as it’s not safe to be in the same house as her. I’d say that an emergency psychiatric assessment is needed. You have removed your kids and now you need to seek safety yourself. Her dad can come back right away and the next day he can take her into his care somewhere that is not in your family home. I’d not be living with her or having my kids in the same house as her.

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 31/07/2025 21:55

OneNeatBlueOrca · 31/07/2025 21:52

She wasn't completely out of control, though. If you ll note she smashed her stepmothers belongings not her own belongings. Always the way. It's the hallmark of an abuser to smash up somebody else's property and not touch their own.

Is this kind of behaviour minimised these days? Like, oh poor little girl, find out what's wrong with her?But something must have happened to her. As if that excuses beating an adult up and destroying their property.

This child was probably raised with "gentle hands" when she slapped another child and with no real consequences

Show quote history

Yes, you're right. And she isn't a little girl. A 2 year old having a tantrum and chucking things across the room and hitting? Yes you can imagine that. She is 10 years older than 2. There is no excuse for hitting and throwing.