Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

Those saying involve the police - I see the reasoning but think about it - that would trigger a safeguarding and social services referral, as there are two other very young children living at the property. Is that what OP wants? Yes, the little madam needs a good sharp shock and to learn that this behaviour is totally unacceptable - but that needs to come from her dad. I hope his arse is heading its way up that motorway. He needs to get home and deal with her.

I would bet money that this is teenage drama and not even over anything important.

Is this a joke?

So sad to read about this OP. How awful for you. And her....

Easy to say "Get her dad back" but sounds like he's away on business.

Could she be pregnant?...

I'm 70 and I remember a friend my age being pregnant when I was 12...

The pill became available when I was 16.

i think just say to her that you’re concerned about her so would like her to keep her door open and if she would like to chat about what happened you are there for her and that you do care. Who knows what is going through her mind. If you feel in any danger obviously then you need to consider your safety too but it doesn’t sound like you do?

The op has removed her two small kids from the house due to the risk of more violence. A psychiatric assessment needs doing now. It’s about getting her the medical care she might need - it’s not a punishment.

It probably does, but that might come at the cost of OP and her family being under the radar. I can understand she does not want that.

Its absolutely ridiculous isn't it. No wonder children have the gall to behave like this.

What sort of nutter phones the police on a 12 year old DSD! 🙈

I think you did the right thing with having your sister take your two little ones. They can hear and see that somethingis off, even if they don't understand.

I think you're doing the right thing by letting her calm down. If it's totally out of character, I'd be looking at what happened in town.

Make sure you get her phone from her overnight.

Not normal and I’d be concerned that something traumatic has happened like a sexual assault.

Obviously the violence isn’t acceptable and needs addressing but I’m shocked posters are suggesting throwing out a 12 year old. This is something that sounds out character and is not typical behaviour for the girl. It think once she’s calmed down a bit you need to have a discussion that is first focused on ensuring the younger children are safe to return and secondly starts to probe what made her react that way. If she’s not forthcoming, I’d be seriously considering a discussion with camhs and make her aware that what she did was serious and needs a serious response from you to ensure she’s getting appropriate support. She must also realise the implications of her dad having to get on a 12 hour flight back from a work trip.

I really feel for you OP.

Is it possible to go in, be calm but assertive and say “DSD, you are 12 years old. I am your stepmum and I love you. My job is to protect and look after you. I am on your side no matter what. You are clearly very upset. I need you to tell me something if what has happened so that I can keep you safe. Can you tell me do that I can help?”

I had my first episode of actual depression when I was 12 (real, cyclic, and chronic depression; it wasn’t “oh I’m an angsty tween” - mental health issues and chronic depression run in my biological family.) There was absolutely nothing that happened or occurred in my life to cause or trigger that first depressive episode - I just woke up one day, feeling absolutely messed up. I had started menstruating at age 11, which may have contributed to having my first episode at age 12 instead of later in my teens - my depression cycles run alongside my hormonal cycles.

I also became suícidal around that age - again for absolutely no exact reason, it’s not like I’d been SAed or had a friend die horribly or even had a pet die around that time. I just suddenly felt like I didn’t want to be alive any more and started thinking about how I could end my life. (Luckily it was the 90s and I didn’t have internet access to research HOW to do so…)

OP, your DSD may simply be hitting a hormonal wall of hell. You didn’t mention if she’s started menstruating or not, but if she has, it could be related to that - especially since this came out of nowhere (as far as you can tell.) When you’re 12/13, EVERYTHING sucks when something goes wrong in your life or with your hormones.

Obviously her hostility and violence aren’t acceptable behaviors or reactions to how she’s feeling. She may feel incredibly angry and not know WHY she’s feeling angry, but striking out at others (or herself!) isn’t acceptable. I wouldn’t push that point too hard to her right now, though - her emotions are still incredibly raw and incredibly overwhelming. If she emerges from her room before her dad gets home, be clear with her that you aren’t going to punish her or mess with her, but that you’re worried and that it’s not okay if she goes after you again. If you want to try a gentle tactic, you can ask her (very kindly) if yelling, screaming, and attacking you resulted in what your DSD wanted / if it caused the results she wanted. Did attacking you and screaming solve whatever is wrong with her/whatever she is upset about? At the very least it’ll hopefully make her think about things.

I’d leave her mostly alone until her dad gets in - stop trying to engage and ask her what is wrong. I know you love her and care about her and want to help her, but 12-year-olds are not rational. All she’ll see is that you’re harassing her. Leave food and water for her, but otherwise leave her be.

Have you tried messaging her instead of talking face to face? Dd find this easier when she’s upset, as do I tbh.

This is a completely unhinged response

Because for the fact that boys at that age are far more capable of harm and overtaking a grown woman. A 12 year old girl simply doesn't have the same strength as a boy. Men and tween boys have more power to be dangerous.

However, a girl shouldn't hit and scratch anyone like that at that age. She's 12, not 2. That behavior is totally out of line and not okay, I agree with that part.

Agree that you're dealing with this really well, OP.

You must be so hurt. I'd be angry too, I think.

Obviously now you are also going to be worried about her, while she's still hiding in her room and crying.

I hope DH is back in good time so you can hand the worry over to him and decompress a bit.

I do hope DH makes it very clear to her that she assaulted you and that you would have been well within your rights to call the Police.

As upset as she is, she needs to learn the lesson NOW that she cannot take her problems out on other people. Next time she could meet real trouble.

I'd be wary of not addressing the absolute wrongness of violence. All of what you say is okay as long as it includes a mention that what she did was 100 percent wrong, can never happen again. Ever. Otherwise, she will do it to someone who will have police called on her and there won't be a thing you or her father can do to protect her from those consequences. If she sees her step mom as someone to identify with, a mother figure, then OP is modeling behavior that says it's okay for women to experience violence and then go back to an abuser and ask for kindness. She should stand up for herself so SD can stand up for own self in other situations. Modeling zero tolerance for putting up with violence is critical from a mother to a daughter.

OP, Young Minds are a great charity. All sorts of info on their website and they also have a helpline https://www.youngminds.org.uk

I disagree. A 12 year old girl can just as easily grab a knife, heavy or sharp object and critically harm someone else, just s a boy can. Imagine if she had taken out her vile temper on one of the toddlers. Or if she had caught OP at the wrong angle and delivered a fatal blow to the head with the statue. It isn't worth thinking about.

@kewpiedoes Name changed as I’m embarrassed to admit this.
I’m a 40 something woman but when I was 13 I did the same to my mum.
I wanted to go out in totally inappropriate clothes, mum said no, a red mist descended and I hit her.
I got punished by privileges being removed and not being allowed to go out for a while
When I was asked ‘why’ I honestly didn’t know why I did it. I just lost all control and all ability to reason.
A few days later my first period started.
Since then I have always suffered with PMS but never as bad as that first time and I have never hit another person, animal, anything.
Eventually going on the pill helped.
To this day I’m mortified about it and it’s one of relatively few regrets I have. Thankfully my relationship with my mum was salvageable over time and following good behaviour and remorse on my part.
On mumsnet you seem to have a lot of posters who are perfect and have never put a foot wrong, most of us aren’t like that, especially when young. They seem to forget how hard being that age can be.
At this point you don’t need to be calling the police or asking for a psych evaluation.
I think you are handling it the right way, as yet you don’t know if it’s hormones, a disagreement with friends, bullying or worse.
Obviously if it happens again that’s a different story but for now keep a close eye on her and let things calm down. Hopefully she will talk to you, or her dad, in the coming days
I hope it’s a one off, good luck

I just want to add, I find it shocking that so many people are down playing and excusing violence towards a care giver. We're not talking about a toddler here. DD thinking it appropriate to scratch and hit her step Mum, especially when nothing at all was happening, is outrageous.

It will do DD no good at all to have this behaviour brushed over or rewarded with treats to smooth things over.

If she gets the impression that it's OK for her to hit out when angry, next time she could end up suspended/excluded, arrested or she could be physically overpowered and beaten herself.

OF COURSE OP & DH need to get to the bottom of what's going on with DD, but a large part of parenting is making sure poor behaviour has consequences, for the child's sake.

Some of these responses are so upsetting and although I’m having a bloody awful night are making me glad that I am the one here with her and not them.

I’m not scared of her, I am physically fit and she’s a little 12 year old girl and I can easily restrain her.

I’m worried about upsetting her further because she is currently very distressed and not communicating, she’s already lashed at at me and I don’t want to risk her lashing out on herself.

I absolutely will expect a full apology and assurances that that behaviour will never be repeated again no matter how upset she is but now is not the time.

She doesn’t get away with everything and is disciplined appropriately. Like I said in my OP she is a lovely girl. Obviously it would be a different scenario if was part of a pattern of bad behaviour or escalating violence but that’s not the case, it’s completely out of character which is what shocked and scared me. There’s no chance that she is up there thinking it was okay that she hit me.

Hope you get to the bottom of it op and she's ok. You're doing a good job.

All these people more interested in punishing a child who behaves like this than finding out what is at the bottom of it - think of a scenario where, say, OP's SD was moody going into town because she was worried about something, and ultimately the thing she was worried about turned into something awful like her being the target of sexual or physical abuse; she's too ashamed to talk about it, but unsurprisingly can't handle what she is feeling, so hits out when someone tries to get her to talk.

Yes, I know this sounds extreme, but it's one of a number of possible scenarios. And it's also possible that she's just a nasty, violent person who needs to know she's crossed a big line and needs to be punished. But the point is that OP doesn't know what has happened, and if it was something as awful as my scenario, then punishing her is the last thing OP should do or indeed would want to do. She's right to try to help her SD calm down and establish the facts.

Could you sit just outside (or inside her door if she will tolerate it) and tell her you love her no matter what, you are sad and worried that she is so distressed and are just going to sit there and read a book until she is ready to let you in. That she doesn't have to talk right now, but you would love a hug or to hear anything she has to say.

Just physically being there gives a strong message that you haven't and never will give up on her.

You sound like such a kind and empathic person - she is lucky to have you in her life. I think you have dealt with things wonderfully.