Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

@kewpiedoes I think you are handling this really well. You saw right away that something was bothering her and that the aggression is out of character for her. You kept your cool as much as possible and didn't take it personally, which is really difficult to do. Her sobbing for hours also confirms there is something deeply troubling her.

This must be a really difficult thing for you to go through as well. Hang in there and give her as much space as possible. Something really bad must have happened recently that she does not feel safe to talk to anyone about and she has obviously been bottling up her feelings.

I hope she will talk soon.

To you both.

Sarcasm people, it was sarcasm towards posters that come on here and expect stepmothers to turn themselves inside out to support step kids but never can expect to have boundaries around the behavior of the step kids.

For example the posters on here suggesting that OP treats her DSD to ice cream and treats in response to DSD giving the OP a hiding.

My opinion is that OP should never have been put in this position, but as usual a man, this child's father, has put work first and delegated child care to the nearest available female. He's the sole parent in charge of this child and he's twelve hours away. How many women do this and how many threads are on here about a stepmother getting hit by a stepchild she's in sole charge of, this is the second I've read in two weeks on here.

@kewpiedoes I just wanted to come on here and be a bit of a counterpoint to some of the, frankly, batshit responses you’ve received to this thread.

You’re doing brilliantly. Really, considering everything that has happened in the last few hours, you’ve done everything right. You’ve left your SD alone to calm down, removed your younger children from a volatile situation, called DH and are now being compassionate to a child who had clearly had a difficult experience. Like with small children, hopefully something to eat will raise her blood sugar and help her to calm down.

Keep the faith - you’ve got this.

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that this behaviour is not that unusual.

My DD has had full blown physical breakdowns before which included her hitting herself, a wall and me. It’s not happened since very early teens / tweens and every single time it has been when something is going on that she couldn’t deal with but wasn’t ready to share with me. None of those things were truely awful, so I’m not trying to worry you. And once she did share, the problem she was having seemed much smaller to her.

I think at that age hormones are raging, they can become very disregulated and can lash out to those closest to them.

As hard as it may seem, if I were you I would say through the door that you’re not angry, just worried. That you’re downstairs when she’s ready to talk and make-up.

Just wanted to say you sound lovely and are handling it so well ❤️

Maybe now is the time she establishes contact with her mum.

My opinion only - and I dont expect anyone would agree, but I'd have called the Police / called her mum / kicked her out.

No sane adult would put up with being abused physically in their own home. No one.

What horrible and ridiculous advice.

A 12 year old child suddenly acting in such an extreme manner is a cause for concern. I would be incredibly worried and would expect her dad to travel back immediately to try and work out what is going on. No reasonable or loving person would jump straight to calling the police on someone who isn't even a teenager yet.

OP, if she lives with you full time I'm assuming there is some trauma already present? Either her mum must have stopped seeing her at some point or died. Either way, that coupled with puberty and new half siblings could be enough to cause some really difficult emotions. This could display as violent outbursts if she's not given the right tools to handle her feelings. Bullying, substance misuse, being the victim of SA etc. could all also cause a child to explode in this way (hopefully this isn't the case, but it's important to consider serious issues may be in play before acting).

I'm not saying that her behaviour shouldn't be addressed, obviously she can't be allowed to hurt people, regardless of how she is feeling. But the priority needs to be finding out why she acted in that way.

I wanted to come back and say something my therapist said to me about DS.

"all behaviour is communication"

I think from what you've said you know that. I've been shocked by some of the comments on here. Slap her back? Starve her? Call the police? Madness.

Keep on, keep the communication open.

I would leave her be tonight, I wouldn’t put food outside her door or keep trying to communicate about it tonight.
With raging hormones and their brains not being fully cooked it sometimes means that they back themselves into a corner and can’t seem to get out of it at the time even if you’re trying to give them a guiding hand.
Hopefully your DH has phoned at the usual time and you’ve told him what’s happened so he’s aware.
You should definitely be parenting her, she lives with you full time and you are her responsible adult when her Father is away.
I wouldn’t need her Dad back to be putting measures in place, no phone, no trips out that aren’t attended by a grown up.
I don’t think anything necessarily happened in town as she sounds like she had a cob on when you gave her a lift in the morning. If one of mine had been behaving like that then the car would be turned around and there would be no lift taking place.
You don’t have to hit her back or kick her out to set boundaries but neither should you get her favourite treats in.
She will soon surface out of her room for something and then you can have a conversation with her about her unacceptable behaviour, she will already know that she shouldn’t have done it, hopefully you’ll get an honest answer as to why she did.
My friends who have girls the same age (my similar age one is a boy) are all saying at the moment how moody and uncommunicative they are, slamming doors and bursting into tears so I think age has a huge amount to do with it as well as what sounds like tricky relationships with her biological Mother.

Bless you op. People being ridiculous saying you can't parent. You are a parent as she has no mum and been left with you.
Sounds like dsd has had a complete emotional breakdown. Obviously something has happened and she can't communicate it. Your doing the right thing, checking on her regularly, not forcing her. Keep telling her she is loved. Hopefully she realise dad is coming home as he os concerned not to tell her off.
Of course she shouldn't have exploded physically but consequences can be given later when you and her dad have gotten to the bottom of what happened
If could be something huge or could be friendship issues that seem small to us but huge to a 12 year old.

If this is unusual behaviour, I would defintiely check her phone but, it may be worth waiting for her dad to come home before attempting it yourself.

Give your head a wobble. Are you on glue ?

🙄🙄🙄🙄

She.Is.A.Child.

And?

Violence is violence.

Normally I am very hard on violence
However, this seems atypical for her.
It occurred after she had been with‘friends’
Are these new ‘friends’ from secondary?
Do you know them? How much time are they spending with lads? If so, what is she doing with the lads, and more importantly where they doing to her?
she sounds traumatised.
She is 12

OP, I really feel for you. We have been dealing with something a bit similar in the last few weeks. My DD didn't hit me but she has had fits of rage where she has broken things in the house, destroyed family photos of herself and more concerning has been self harming a lot.

Call your GP in the morning and ask for any referrals that they can suggest. We were already in touch with Camhs and they gave been really good, in touch daily and tried home visits and zoom calls as our DD refused to go in to see them.

We were also assigned a social worker, and that's not as scary as it sounds, she has been wonderful and caring, giving us advice on how to deal with what's been happening, asking how I was coping and recommended that I see my GP for sleeping tablets and talking therapy.

I hope you get to the bottom of what is going on and are able to help her, but if it does take a while there are services out there to help you. It's going to be a long road for us, but we're already seeing improvements in her mental health, although we still don't know what triggered it but we have worked out and are dealing with some contributing factors.

Agree some awful responses, well done op for being a level headed adult in all this , hopefully you can calmly talk to her and find out what has triggered this huge response.
Obvious no one on here knows why , could be she is being bullied or another reason might be that since there is no contact with her mother as she’s with you full time this might have affected her? If it is perhaps some counselling could help her sort through her strong feelings.
Hope you get to the bottom of it but you are handling it well, obviously shocked at this extreme outburst but staying calm and caring this is exactly what she needs right now. The posters calling police and slapping her are examples of what not to do.

OP just here to say you sound like a lovely caring step-mum. She's lucky to have you in her life

OP you are handling it brilliantly. You made sure the little ones were out of the house. You are showing understanding and compassion to your step daughter. Just keep doing what you are doing. Ignore some of the idiotic responses on here. I sincerely hope some of the people contributing to this thread are not parents given their attitude towards a 12 year old child in a terrible distressed state.

@kewpiedoes Do you have any injuries that need treating? I know that you are very concerned about your DSD, but don’t forget to look after yourself too.

I think you are dealing with this really well so far. What a horrible situation.
i think her phone needs to be handed over and I'm sure there will be clues on there as to how she is acting. She's 12, I don't believe a 12 year old should have exclusive access to a phone without the parent/carer being able to check what's going on. She may not be happy but she is still really young. could be anything, hormones, bullying, online games going wrong, abusive videos, horrible content!!!

Could her mum have made contact now somehow? Maybe that’s set her off? Does she know what her mum looks like/who she is?

You’re doing brilliant

No it isn’t normal. I had a lot of emotional ups and downs as a teenager and although I did go through periods of disliking my mom and talking back to her I never even dreamed of hurting her or screaming at her.