Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

You sound like a great mum. The way you handle this - with love and care will define yours and your step daughter’s relationship for the rest of your lives. Something has triggered this. A wise person once taught me the phrase ‘first seek to understand then be understood’. It’s a great mantra to live by. She needs to understand that whatever has caused this that response of hers will not be tolerated going forward.

Police! Ffs, she's 12 and this is completely out of the blue. Nobody has been seriously hurt. You think the trauma of being confronted by the police without her dad there, being removed from the house etc is the first and best option here?

The only reason to involve police would be if OP feels that her, her children or DSD are in imminent danger.

The kid needs time to cool off and her dad/mum/another relative needs to speak to her and find out what's happened, because something clearly has.

Escalating a situation like that by calling the police would likely have a life-long impact on the kid and their relationship. Ridiculous.

Having worked with children with SEMH issues I have been physically hit, punched and bitten many times. Usually by pre-teens, the older children were more able to self-regulate.
Hitting back and shouting were the worst things to do.
OP you were right to put everyone in to a place of safety, show your concern, offer care and give some space.
The incident will have to be dealt with and a consequence given. Depending what you’re able to find out I would suggest along the lines of phone removal or no trips into town.
For those things to be reinstated they will have to be earned by good behaviour. Depending on her response it could be being helpful with her little siblings, helping to cook a meal or something where she has normal interaction with the family.
I hope you all have a good day.

This is not a pattern of behaviour. This is very abnormal and out of character for the child. Police involvement is totally unnecessary (other than if it's required to support the child), escalatory and risks further traumatising a very clearly traumatised child. Something has happened to her.

Also, OP has expressly said she is finding these kind of comments, calling for her stepdaughter to be arrested, very distressing.

Honestly, you really sound like you lack the ability for any kind of nuanced thought. This is lower primary school level, black and white thinking.

So advocating child abuse then ? Beating the crap out of a distressed child who doesn’t know what to do with her feelings - to the point where she’s lashing out in anger - helps no-one. Least of all the child.

Please be gentle with her today.

I know the first thought is to come down heavy on her but that will only shut down all forms of communication.

Boundaries can be set but the first focus needs to be on what’s happened as it sounds like something has happened.

Does she have any contact with her mum? Could she have asked to go live with her and she has rejected it?

I think you have handled this fantastically.
I hope you get some answers and an apology out of her today xx

You’ve done really well. One thing might be to just go about your day with her today - explain that you’ll both need to talk about what happened but that doesn’t need to be right now, unless she’s ready to talk. It takes the pressure off every interaction so she’s not thinking “oh god here we go” and lets her system reset a bit. She might also have no idea where it came from, so naming what you saw “you looked really unhappy, were shouting which made me think you were angry” will help her find the words.

Try not to demand an explanation because she may need you or her dads help to unpick what was going on.

I think you are doing this right, and she is lucky to have you. As it is so very out of character I would read this as an indicator that something is wrong and this is a cry for help. If she is being bullied she may be frightened to ‘tell’ so you might need to override this. Would she talk to you more easily while doing something or sitting in the car rather than face to face?
So hope the day goes well for you both.

You do know that it is illegal to 'beat the fuck out of' a child, even if that child has hit you first? That's just what OP's family need, OP to be arrested.

Physical violence towards a child is never justified. Luckily, OP is a kind and empathetic step-mother who treats her SD as her own. They need to get to the bottom of why her SD acted in this way, as it was completely out of character for her. She sounds traumatised so something must have happened.

@kewpiedoes your posts and your gentle steadfast kindness and care has moved me to tears this morning. I'm rooting for you and your family.

This ^, so much this.

I'm currently dealing with ds13's behaviour, but I know the reasons. You need to stay calm and loving, but also have firm boundaries in place that you can stick to. This is what is currently working for us.

Your dsd obviously has a lot going on in her head if her mother isn't involved, plus this is a really difficult age with hormones going crazy. It might be that something outside of the home has upset her, and that doensn't need to have fully happened while she was out today. The conversations, taunts and bullying follow them around 24/7 these days. I've witnessed the fall out from this with my boyfriend's daughter recently. It's heartbreaking to see and hear.

But you sound like a lovely step mother, don't change.

You sound fantastic op and she is lucky to have you

Some of the responses on this thread are absolutely wild.

You sound like you've done everything right OP.

Your DH and DSD are lucky to have you.

To get emergency psychiatric care - yes you can call the police. There all the markers of needing this assessment, which is done as a care to the child, there’s the sudden extreme violence to the op, possible self harm risk can lead to suicide, possibly something happened (assault, drugs) and needs police support. The op needs to know it’s safe to bring her other kids home. The actions of protection that op took show the level of violence and concern for hers and her kids safety - also her wanting to keep the child’s bedroom door open to observe behaviour. Today the op will need to seek professional help and support, not to punish but as correct care to the child. There’s something wrong that needs putting right. Can she bring home her two young get kids? Is it safe, is there a self harm risk? The child needs medical attention - a mental health assessment which needs to be done today as an emergency. Obviously it will take time to diagnose the problem but the immediate issues can be addressed - violence? Self harm? Safe to be around others? Did an assault take place? What happened? It’s to help the child.

Op you’re doing the right things. Exactly what I would do for my own 12 yr old dd if she acted like that.
If it helps, my Dd has gone through a tough year emotionally. It could be hormone related.
Her 16 yr old cousin spoke to her and told her that 12 was the worst year of her whole life and we do remember her being very weepy and moody during that year.
Keep going. Your (and her dad’s) reassurance, love and connection with her is everything she needs right now.

I am in two minds here - one the one hand of course you hope nothing serious has happened to her to cause this But on the other, if such a dramatic and violent reaction has been caused by a silly teenage spat, forcing two young children out of their home (and it sounds like OP won't be at work today, unless she is a teacher and that would be the case anyway), then I would be furious.

You would "beat the fuck" out of a 12 year old? Forget "flack", you genuinely need help. This is psychopathic.

You sound lovely and your poor SD, it’s a horrible age with emotions all over the place. Getting your sister to look after the little ones temporarily is a good idea.

Maybe try and coax her to just come down for breakfast without asking her what’s up. She may open up when it’s just the two of you downstairs

You are doing a fantastic job. Fingers crossed she talks to you.
You sound such a lovely mum to her. Sending lots of support x

OP I am so impressed at you beautiful instincts with your step daughter.
its so evident you're worried about her
at this age, when kids start figuring out their identity, if a parent is out of their life and they feel a bit 'out of place' in the family they're in, its common for them to start thinking that the reason may be because they're more like their mum/dad (parent who's not there) and identify this as the reason they don't feel belonging. This then sets up loyalty to mum/dad in their brain and they may make the step parent the 'baddie' to prove loyalty to mum/dad. This creates so much distress when the step parent shows they care and disrupts the narrative, holding that cognitive dissonance is really painful.
you showing that your first instinct is worth for her rather than anger has really disrupted the narrative and may be creating pain and overwhelm because the protective narrative that 'you don't care cos I'm like my mum/dad' is shattered.
keep being consistent and loving to reassure her you like and love her and she is part of the family no matter what she does. I think your instinct to keep her there with you and sending your kids to your sisters is really powerful.

this is an unfortunate and I'm sure scary time but it will provide an opportunity to show you and her dad love her no matter what

My now 14-year-old has been like this since the teenage years struck. Anger off the chart. We are getting her help to deal with it, but it's slow progress and always directed at me. She has pushed me, hit me and thrown things. Sometimes she will hurt herself. I've learned to leave her to calm down as hard as that is. Leave food and drink available. Sometimes she can barely remember how she has behaved. She has bad social anxiety and just becomes overwhelmed/exhausted it's like a toddler meltdown. It's interesting that your daughter she had been out with friends , that will often do it for mine .

Her sleeping will really help. At this stage, you don’t need to intervene or do anything. Your instinct that she needs to calm down is spot on. So just let her go through whatever she needs to go through at her own pace. For now, just be normal. Not over the top kind, not stern, not questions. Put your own need to find out why to the side for now.

Something is going on with her. it may be small, but the impact on her is huge. She may not even fully understand it herself. She may never tell you the whole story unfortunately. When she’s a lot calmer, let her know you’re always there for her.

I really hope she’s okay.

You sound like an absolutely amazing step mother, everything you've done has been in the best intetest of all the children. For what it's worth I would have done exactly the same.
Shes traumatised by something, you don't want to re traumasise her. Do you check her phone? Obviously not now but when shes calm, check through it.
I also have a 12 and 11 year old, so this hits home to me.