Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

I expect illicit substance of some kind. What a hard situation for you.
It's sounds like there's a build up of poor attitude so it might not ne tied to a specific event.

12 is too young to me moping around town with friends imo - I wouldn't let her out alone unless it's a specific hobby or constructive activity happening.

Like a previous poster, I was wondering if something about her mum was mentioned?

We had a very similar situation with my step-daughter around the time of my birthday last year (she’s 17 now).

Usually an absolute delight, so kind and caring, helpful, and funny. We have a brilliant relationship. For context: my husband has had full custody of her since she was 3 years old, her mother wanted/wants nothing to do with her and has gone on to have 3 other children (50/50 custody with their fathers).

Her and her friends went shopping together and she was planning on buying me a birthday card and present. She came back from the shopping trip in a foul mood, told me to “shut the fuck up and get out of her life” when I asked what was wrong. Many tears and hours later, she eventually told us that she’d picked a card for me that said “happy birthday mum” and her ‘friends’ were making comments about how I’m not her mum and how sad it is that her real mum doesn’t love her but manages to love her other children enough to “keep them around”.

I think you’re approaching this in completely the right way. I think allowing her some space is very wise but I agree that she needs to be aware that her behaviour will not be tolerated. Even more so with young children in the house.
She’s very lucky to have you as her step-mum! ❤️

You sound like a good Mum OP.
Hope you get to the bottom of it.

You are doing really well @kewpiedoes , I hope this morning DSD may feel that she can talk.

Dad will be home soon which will help.

Has she started her periods @kewpiedoes? Might it be PMDD?

Just wanted to say how well you've handled things for her. Hope things calm down soon

Yes I wonder if something was said.

I hope she is ok (and you). If it is entirely out of character i would worry that something has happened to her. Hopefully when she wakes up she’ll feel able to talk to you.

Thinking of you today OP.

It also sounds to me like she is going through a crisis of some sort. I hope you get to the bottom of it asap.

Some of the responses on here are bonkers. Phone the police - what an idiotic and damaging overreaction. Hit back… well that’s just obscene. Glad the OP is measured and calm. I hope these are just keyboard warrior types who wouldn’t actually dream of following their own advice.

I think she is lucky to have you. You are a really good stepmum and clearly realise you are dealing with a very upset unhappy child. Suggestions of getting police involved are ridiculous. You are doing all you can to help but with the intention of setting boundaries once she’s calm and it’s appropriate

People are being really one sided. This isn’t a 15 year old boy ie a serious physical threat, she doesn’t have a long pattern of this. The op is being really caring and a great mum figure and focussed on this 12yo child's wellbeing. I hope you get through to her op.
it’s actually different to a 12yo boy too as boys are going to be bigger and stronger and need to understand that.

I hope things have calmed overnight OP. I think you are doing exactly the right thing be being calm and caring. Something has surely upset this little girl.
I hope you are able to find out more today and that you find out what made her behave like that.

I've been shocked by this, too.

The organisation I work for runs training courses on how to de-escalate conflicts when working with challenging clients. Some people on here would benefit from taking it.

You think yelling at her about 'that little display' and threatening to call the police is going to get any child to open up, or trust you enough to confide in you?

Your mum would have flattened you? Well I guess we know where your violent attitude towards a child in crisis comes from - I wonder if your children will continue that cycle?

OP it may be that it turns out that something seemingly quite minor has caused this. I think another PP dismissed it as 'teenage drama'. If that's the case please don't underestimate the devastation that 'teenage drama' can feel like to a teenager. It needs to be made clear that the violence was unacceptable of course, but also a lot of empathy for whatever has caused it - even if it seems minor to an adult. Whatever it was obviously isn't minor to your dsd.

You sound like a nice caring parent!!

Do people really call the police on their kids after this kind of one off thing. Why do people suggest this!!

Daughter is obviously going through something...she needs love and support, not the police! WTAF!!

Send her a text.
I'm very hurt about what happened earlier and we need to talk so that I know what is wrong and can try to help you.

Turn the WiFi off.

Me too. Obviously there needs to be consequences eventually but the time for that is when she's calm and able to process a consequence and both she and op are safe and op has actually got the chance to establish that she hasn't been exploited or harmed in some way.

The very idea that the best way to react to a child acting out, even in this way, is to physically abuse them is crazy. You'd destroy all trust and open yourself up (and rightly so) to police and social services. If a partner did that to my child the marriage would be over and I'd be pushing for prosecution. Absolutely insane advice. Thank goodness op has had empathy and compassion and been able to handle her own emotions.

Op how did you get on overnight? Hope things are better this morning and she's more open to talking and you are able to get into the phone. A trip to the gp would be in order for a camhs referral. And some self care for yourself as soon as you get the chance xx

I hope you both got some sleep last night. You sound like a lovely caring mum who reacted how many would to a surprise act of aggression from an older child. She may feel a lot of guilt this morning which may appear as defiant or an emotional wreck, or she may try yo act like nothing has happened in hopes of not bringing up the uncomfortable feeling.

Reassure her that your love for her hasn't changed, and you are always on her team. You are worried because you know it's not like her and concerned she is hurting emotionally. She might not want to share but that's ok - she is in control of that. Depending on when your toddlers are getting back, can you do something nice with her? With mine I start doing something mindful or interesting (baking, doing some art to put on the walls etc) and hope they will join me and it heals the bond a bit.

I had an aggressive daughter who was going through a lot (undiagnosed and misunderstood) and I was an easy target. Not saying that's where your DD is at, just saying in speaking from some experience.

What would you do if anyone else attacked you in front of your small children, so violently that you had to leave the house with them? You'd call the police. She carries on down that road, she'll have a criminal record before she is 15, so yeah, I'd give her a taste of what being arrested feels like. It worked for my cousin. He punched his mum, spent the night at the police station with some very unimpressed officers who left him in no doubt that he was not big or hard or clever. Never touched her again.

She's already over the age of criminal responsibility, if she did that to anyone else, she'd be shown no leniency, especially with her bullshit 'reason.' She needs to run up against a very hard boundary here.

Attitudes like yours are why so many teenagers are out of control.

Thankyou so much for the kind, helpful replies.

Had another upset when I tried to go and talk to her before bed, crying leave me alone . Eventually she seemed to fall asleep, must be completely exhausted and I managed to go in tell her I love her, turn off her light and close the curtains. I left the door open a little bit and checked occasionally and she was always fast asleep so managed to get some sleep myself.
She’s still up there, my sisters just coming to collect things for little ones so will wait till she’s gone and try and talk to her again

Don’t be ridiculous

Poor you and your poor SDC . You sound like you are doing everything exactly right and all you can. Hope you can get to the bottom of it soon OP x x

I’m afraid I have no useful advice to give, @kewpiedoes. I just wanted to say I hope the night went as well as it possibly could for both of you and to join the praise for the way you are handling this very worrying situation. I really do hope for all your sakes that it is “simply” hormonal and period-related, rather than one of the more awful scenarios which have been imagined.

I think you sound a lovely step mum, OP. I hope that things work out for you and your whole family (and that includes your dsd).