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Original poster

Dsd(12) hit me

778 replies

kewpiedoes · 31/07/2025 18:35

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

OP posts:
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NigelPonsonbySmallpiece · 01/08/2025 06:11

You say her mood was unlike her on the way into town…..was that the first time she’d been like that? What about the previous day? Something has obviously happened at some point…is she getting bullied? Blackmailed?

CherriesStrawberries · 01/08/2025 06:19

kewpiedoes · 31/07/2025 22:53

Some of these responses are so upsetting and although I’m having a bloody awful night are making me glad that I am the one here with her and not them.

I’m not scared of her, I am physically fit and she’s a little 12 year old girl and I can easily restrain her.

I’m worried about upsetting her further because she is currently very distressed and not communicating, she’s already lashed at at me and I don’t want to risk her lashing out on herself.

I absolutely will expect a full apology and assurances that that behaviour will never be repeated again no matter how upset she is but now is not the time.

She doesn’t get away with everything and is disciplined appropriately. Like I said in my OP she is a lovely girl. Obviously it would be a different scenario if was part of a pattern of bad behaviour or escalating violence but that’s not the case, it’s completely out of character which is what shocked and scared me. There’s no chance that she is up there thinking it was okay that she hit me.

She’s probably fallen out with friends or been humiliated. Her dad needs to come home early from his work trip. I wouldn’t ring up her friends’ mums because she’s in high school now. She needs to face punishment for her violent behaviour as she’s old enough to know right from wrong. No phone for a couple of weeks.

Newusername1234567 · 01/08/2025 06:28

kewpiedoes · 31/07/2025 22:53

Some of these responses are so upsetting and although I’m having a bloody awful night are making me glad that I am the one here with her and not them.

I’m not scared of her, I am physically fit and she’s a little 12 year old girl and I can easily restrain her.

I’m worried about upsetting her further because she is currently very distressed and not communicating, she’s already lashed at at me and I don’t want to risk her lashing out on herself.

I absolutely will expect a full apology and assurances that that behaviour will never be repeated again no matter how upset she is but now is not the time.

She doesn’t get away with everything and is disciplined appropriately. Like I said in my OP she is a lovely girl. Obviously it would be a different scenario if was part of a pattern of bad behaviour or escalating violence but that’s not the case, it’s completely out of character which is what shocked and scared me. There’s no chance that she is up there thinking it was okay that she hit me.

@kewpiedoes OP you are doing the right thing. Calling police on a 12 yrs old girl ffs! One incident and throwing her out. How this people raise their kids its mind blowing.

how is the situation now? Did she calm down?

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Flyswats · 01/08/2025 06:48

Is there any chance your questions prior to her flipping out could be considered baiting?

I don't ask this to accuse you of something but simply because I've seen this before.

Child is distressed about something, mother tries to force the subject and child gets overwhelmed with the pressure and kicks off. Sometimes the mother decides its something to "win" rather than solve, which makes matters worse.

?

Londonrach1 · 01/08/2025 07:11

Op you doing all you can. Wait until she calms down then try to do something she likes together with her just the two of you. Something has upset her. Sadly I suspect something happened online re the phone. She needs support which you done so well.

autienotnaughty · 01/08/2025 07:12

She Wil need a significant punishment but probably best to wait for her dad to come home and yes try to get to the bottom of it.

Yuhp · 01/08/2025 07:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Have you actually read the OPs posts? Did you think this was a helpful thing to say?
Or did that not matter, because you wanted to make out you’re well hard, on an anonymous forum, by suggesting that you’d threaten to “beat the fuck” out of a child, despite knowing that the OP is finding these kinds of replies disgusting and upsetting?
Too many pathetic ‘adults’ embarrassing themselves on this thread.

OP, you’re doing everything right. You sound like a wonderful stepmom, with incredible control of your own emotions. It does seem like something must have happened to really upset her, so much that she was overwhelmed by her feelings and lashed out. Is it possible she’s experiencing something where she feels you won’t be able to help? That may not be true, but at this age problems can feel insurmountable and there can be a sense of “adults just don’t get it”. I also wonder whether somebody has said something cruel about her birth mum and she might have directed some big feelings that she couldn’t handle towards you as a result.
Totally agree that there’s nothing to be gained trying to punish behaviour at this point; it can be discussed later, but now’s not the time. If she’s still overwhelmed that would just add to her distress, wouldn’t be productive, and could result in her refusing to talk about what’s led to this. You seem so emotionally mature, and kind, and it sounds like you’re handing this perfectly.

sakura06 · 01/08/2025 07:23

Hope you’re both ok OP. It sounds like you have dealt with the situation really well so far. Is your DH home now? Hope you can get to the bottom of what triggered this behaviour.

NurtureGrow · 01/08/2025 07:32

MarySueSaidBoo · 31/07/2025 19:34

Your DH needs to come home and help you deal with this.

My eldest hit me once, think she was 13 or 14. She felt the consequences of that by having her hobby removed for 3 weeks, no phone for the same period of time and she was grounded. And we had a full and frank conversation about the only level of acceptable violence in our home was none. She never did it again.

I’m sorry OP, this doesn’t sound easy. I agree with many posters to tell her dad ASAP, find out what has happened and some sort of consequences. My biggest concern would be what is happening for her.

(Sorry, can’t unquote)

Properjob · 01/08/2025 07:36

Just adding my support OP. You are handling a difficult situation very well. My money is on something related to her birth Mum but at that age it could just be Boys...Flowers

femfemlicious · 01/08/2025 07:39

Fargo79 · 31/07/2025 20:11

Why can't some adults understand that reasons and excuses are not the same thing? Her behaviour is setting massive alarm bells off which needs to be investigated. Absolutely nobody is saying that it's fine that OP has been attacked 🙄

There are people here saying they would have assaulted the child in return, or would have thrown her out. A very vulnerable, very dysregulated 12 year old child. And these same people consider themselves the voice of reason. Unbelievable.

OP is saying that a very lovely, usually happy little girl has spent a few hours out of the house and has returned extremely distressed and behaving violently. Something very serious is going on. She may very well have been raped for all anybody knows. But sure, let's throw her out into the street.

Thank God she's got you as a stepmother OP, and not one of these PP.

Show quote history

💯💯💯she is going to do it again with softly softly approach!. She needs to know she can never do this again no matter what!

Matronic6 · 01/08/2025 07:40

You are handling this with grace and empathy OP. It will be impossible to have any meaningful conversation with her whilst she is so distressed. You are right to wait until she has calmed. Hopefully you both got some rest over night.

NaturWilde · 01/08/2025 07:43

Sounds like you’re doing a wonderful job here, taking the compassionate (yet no doubt firm if needed) approach. I recommend this book very highly no matter how long you’ve been in a step family relationship. I’ve no doubt your DSD will be fine with your approach.

Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships: What Works and What Doesn't, Patricia Papernow.

Yachties · 01/08/2025 07:43

You sound wonderful and you are doing the best you can.
something must be going on for her, maybe not today in town but something big.
do you think there’s any online abuse?
being patient and supportive as you are is the best way
good luck

healthybychristmas · 01/08/2025 07:44

Do you think someone has been saying something about her mum? You sound absolutely lovely with her and maybe she's realising her mother hasn't been good to her.

ButterCrackers · 01/08/2025 07:45

Based on what you’ve written - She needs an emergency psychiatric assessment. She needs professional medical help to discover the causes and provide help and support. The police would have got this in place but you can take her to A&E/your GP - but the hospital is better - do call for help if you need this. If you feel a threat do call the police. There’re many risks here -self harming leading to suicide and more violence to you and your kids. In your current situation you haven’t slept and you have to decide when it’s safe for your young children to come back. You need professional help. There are a lot of heartfelt responses here but these do not cover the risks that might exist to the girl herself.

Theroadt · 01/08/2025 07:45

kewpiedoes · 31/07/2025 22:53

Some of these responses are so upsetting and although I’m having a bloody awful night are making me glad that I am the one here with her and not them.

I’m not scared of her, I am physically fit and she’s a little 12 year old girl and I can easily restrain her.

I’m worried about upsetting her further because she is currently very distressed and not communicating, she’s already lashed at at me and I don’t want to risk her lashing out on herself.

I absolutely will expect a full apology and assurances that that behaviour will never be repeated again no matter how upset she is but now is not the time.

She doesn’t get away with everything and is disciplined appropriately. Like I said in my OP she is a lovely girl. Obviously it would be a different scenario if was part of a pattern of bad behaviour or escalating violence but that’s not the case, it’s completely out of character which is what shocked and scared me. There’s no chance that she is up there thinking it was okay that she hit me.

I think your approach is 100% right and she is incredibly lucky to have you in her life. I hope this morning you can start to get to the bottom of what’s going on.

Lostworlds · 01/08/2025 07:51

You sound like you’re doing the best for her. As you’ve said many times, this is not normal behaviour for her so of course there will be consequences but right now that’s not the priority and would make things so much worse.

Hopefully you’ve both managed to sleep and she’s more open to talking this morning. Go slow with her, don’t force the subject straight away. She’s still going to be incredibly vulnerable today.

Ellmau · 01/08/2025 07:57

I hope she feels calmer this morning, and you can sit down and talk to her. Best wishes to you both.

Illbefinejustbloodyfine · 01/08/2025 07:57

@kewpiedoes I hope you're ok this morning. You sound like a lovely calm parent, who is concerned with this dramatic change. I think you're handling it perfectly. DSD doesn't need to be pressured or ruled over at this stage.

Have you been able to talk to her at all? Hopefully she slept and wakes up feeling calmer. She may well be very defensive though. I really hope you get to the bottom of it, it must be so worrying.

Lighteningstrikes · 01/08/2025 08:00

She’s very lucky to have you as a step-mum 💐

ByGreyWriter · 01/08/2025 08:06

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Clearinguptheclutter · 01/08/2025 08:07

I do hope she’s calmed down overnight and you can get through to her. From your earlier posts I think you handled it very well

CatsMagic · 01/08/2025 08:10

Tapsthemic · 31/07/2025 20:41

Oof well done OP, it sounds like you’re handling this brilliantly, your DSD is lucky to have you x

This needs saying again!

OP well done you have handled this brilliantly , and don’t worry if you feel a bit wobbly and emotional yourself once the adrenaline wears off.

You sound like a lovely step mum.

Missedthis · 01/08/2025 08:13

Morning OP. Hope you managed to sleep a bit.

She will be feeling awful this morning and may not know how to row back from the place she’s in. Keep going with your usual family routines, and offer her a way to get back to you.

Conversations about boundaries and sanctions can wait until the initial break has been fixed and you’re all communicating again.