Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

Actually 12 year old girls on average are taller and stronger than 12 year old boys as they hit puberty earlier.

Poor you and poor her.

It sounds like she’s really going through something.

You see I wouldn't have been taking her or picking her up from town if she was refusing to look or talk to me.

I would be concerned that she's either been drinking or taken something else

or has been given without her knowledge.

Just wanted to say that you sound like a brilliant stepmum and you are doing everything right.

If you could ask her at around her usual bedtime whether she'd like a hot drink and a snack, that might be another way in.

Try reminding her to pop into the bathroom to clean her teeth as a way of getting her out of her bedroom for a moment. Remove razors, tweezers (any sharps) from the bathroom first).

Then maybe you can let her know that you are putting her phone onto charge for her downstairs, giving you a chance to quietly check her room for sharps, belts, laces etc just in case she is super distressed again in the night, you are worried about her state of mind and she still isn't talking.

You might have to ask for her phone if she takes it into the bathroom with her but I'm sure that you can keep it calm and ordinary, just like she doesn't usually have her phone in her bedroom after bedtime.

If she's still resistant, ask her to make any calls or texts that she needs to before bed then hand it to you for safekeeping. Say that you are concerned for her distress and could she think about calling Childline before she goes to sleep as you've heard that they can be really helpful in all kinds of situations. That could be a means of her at least opening up to someone which will likely make it easier for her to open up to you or her Dad later on. This worked for my son when he was being bullied.

Gosh OP, it's a lot to deal with but you clearly have a good relationship usually, you love her and it sounds like you've got your head screwed on.

I hope you both get some sleep tonight and selfishly hope that you'll let us know how you go. We all feel so invested in you and your stepdaughter now. We are wishing you both well and look forward to hearing how your caring and thoughtful way turns things around.

And even if things don't get improve soon, we're all still here for you.

All the best.

Ignore the upsetting responses OP, you sound like a wonderful stepmum trying to handle a clearly very distressed 12 year old girl. Thank you for putting food outside her room and giving her space.

I hope that she is able to calm down overnight and talk to you or her dad about what has happened. Could be any number of things but whatever it was has clearly set off a major reaction for her, beyond anything she's able to cope with emotionally. She's 12, she needs your support to cope, well done for recognising that and being there for her.

I just wanted to say that you sound like a wonderful parent doing a good job OP.
I cannot believe some of the responses on here. This is a 12 yo child!

She probably feels very ashamed of exploding like that. Hormones are all over the place at that age. I remember struggling at that age and not being able to explain my mood swings at all. I remember feeling like I was the worst person in the world.
It's so important to be compassionate. You can't fight fire with fire. You can't show a child how to emotionally regulate by reacting emotionally yourself.

OP I think you are doing the right things by trying to get her to talk about it calmly.
It was also right to call her dad to come back.
Clearly something is very wrong. It may just be anxiety or hormone related rather than an actual event that has caused this. But she clearly needs help and support.

My goodness, this is recommending child abuse! Bonkers!

I would be worried about this girl-and equally worried if OP was talking about a boy. My children tell me that boys get treated very differently from girls at school, even though when they're young teenagers/preteen, girls can be bigger and stronger. Apparently an experiment showed that people even judged a baby differently depending on whether they thought it was male or female, seeming more judgemental against ones they though were male (R Palladino · 2019 · Cited by 1 — The “female” infant was rated as less angry and more afraid than the “male” infant).

She obviously wanted to be left alone. Why did your keep asking what she wanted for dinner etc?

You sound like a wonderful person OP. Really hope you get to the bottom of this x

I hope you've both fallen asleep - I expect she has, with sheer exhaustion. If you're still awake, maybe just go in to check on her, see she's got herself undressed/into pajamas, lights off, phone away etc.

I think you're doing absolutely the right thing. Something is going on and she needs space and care. She's only 12. This behaviour sounds utterly out of character (although at that age and even now I personally didn't tolerate headphones in when in the company of others).

Ridiculous

neilyoungismyhero: If this was male to femail violence not sure you'd be so forgiving no matter the age.

AnneLovesGilbert: Absolutely no one would be saying “poor boy” if it was OP’s step son rather than step daughter.

Not directly relevant to the OP (sorry) but since it has been raised a few times: the age of the child is absolutely key here. At 12, I would treat a boy and a girl the same way, and the advice I'd give would be mostly identical, the main difference being that if it's a possibility that something like sexual assault or culturally-coded gender-based humiliation has occurred, the child may be more comfortable taking to a same-sex adult. A few years on, yes, there's a significant difference because puberty means that a fit, healthy man has decisively more upper and lower body strength than a fit, healthy woman, even if they are similar in age, height, weight, etc. But most 12 year olds have not been through puberty and so sex isn't, typically, a variant.

Ooooh you're 'ard.

Thanks for sharing

Or they met the boy she liked and her turned out to like on of her friends. Jealousy can be a hard emotion for some people.

Another thing to make sure she doesn't get hold of is drugs such as paracetamol. It's been proven that most suicides in this age group are actually impulsive actions, and these type of drugs are a leading cause

You have done everything right, imo.

I wouldn’t try to force anything tonight.

I wouldn’t even suggest wresting her phone from her.

She must feel deeply shocked herself at what she’s done. She will feel frightened by it. I would offer reassurance and no judgement right now.

Is there any other person she has a good relationship with and might open up to? If she has no mother and has been with you for years, does she have grandparents maybe?

Personally I would be texting her that I’m not cross with her. You need a way in with her. And you need to ensure she’s safe and that would be worrying me a lot too.

You sound like a wonderful, level headed, caring mum, this will all be resolved I’m sure as she’s in a safe place.
it’s heartbreaking to read the situation in your home right now for all of you, she’s clearly very distressed 💔
best of luck, you’re nailing it keeping calm and focusing on the feelings not the behaviour xx

Worst advice ever.

I also can't believe some of the responses you've received, you sound like you're handling it really well and she's definitely lucky to have you in her life. Good luck getting to the bottom of what's going on with her, definitely seems like there must be an underlying issues.

Hope things are better this morning, try and have a day away from phones.

If this behaviour is out of character it is very concerning and I agree you need to try to get to the bottom of it before implementing consequences for the behaviour. At 12 I would suspect bullying is the most likely, or maybe hormone surges?

She does need to know that the way she acted wasn't alright, but it sounds like she is in a tough place mentally, and nothing will sink in until she is in the right mind to hear it.

Good luck!

Oh @kewpiedoes I am so sorry for you, and for your poor little girl. I don't know if she calls you Mum, but that is what you are to her, and by the sounds of it, a damn good one too 🩷

I know that you say her biological mother has never been in her life, but that does sound like she is still alive, so I am wondering whether she might be serving a long sentence in prison, or in some sort of institution, I am not expecting you to answer that, as it is none of my business, and it could be more "outing" for you.

However, if there is something that could be known about, or just found out about, by her peers, she could have been asked very awkward questions, or even be being taunted by some of her peers - especially if at least one of their characters is like that of one of the few nasty people on here who have said something like "throw her out", or "call the police on her". I really hope that those few nasty responders are not actually mothers themselves, and definitely not step mothers, as I would really fear for their children's mental health 🥺

For some reason your DD lashed out at you today, which is totally outside of her normal, natural, behaviour, and to me she is directing her - newly developed teenage - anger (which I believe is totally different to a toddlers, or prepubescent child's anger) at you, probably because you are the only adult in her vicinity at the moment that she knows - or very strongly hopes - loves her unconditionally. That could quite understandably mean that you and her dad are the only adults she feels able to trust enough to be able to let herself have her very first adult type of impotent.

If that is the case, and whether her anger was caused by her newly emerging hormones, or some awful bullying, or even - God forbid - some sort of physical assault while she was out, she must have really scared, and possibly embarrassed herself, and now she is trying to understand these new and horrible emotions, and to learn how to cope with them, in a safe and reasonable way.

I am really so glad that you are you OP, and not one of those people - like the few PPs on this thread - who have shown their own lack of mature development! Maybe you could text, or even slip a note under your DD's bedroom door - which might seem more personal and caring than just a normal text.

You could tell her again, that she is not in trouble, that you love her so much, and that you understand that something will have made her behave such a way. You could also tell her, that if she doesn't even know herself why she behaved like that, it could have easily been caused by her new rampant evolving hormones that are very unfairly, usually far stronger and confusing than the ones the male of the species are subjected to! I don't know if it is still the case, but when I was becoming a 'pain in the neck' hormonal, female, teenager, we were told that the fluctuations (sp?) of a woman's hormones have been enough in France, to at, least occassionally, get a woman who had killed her cheating husband, off a long prison sentence, or maybe even having to face the administrations of "Madame Guillotine". They called such crimes, a crime of passion.

If you think that your DD could take a light-hearted joke at this time, you could add that you hope your DD is never so angry with you or her dad, that she needs to try to use the excuse of a "crime of passion" to be let off killing either/or both of you, when you were both refusing to let her go out with her friends the night before her first GCSE exam! Unless you do know for certain that she could take such a joke as light relief to her turmoil, then I guess you had better not actually add it into your conservation...

Back to the seriousness of your DD's poor plight; if neither you, or your dear partner, can gently ease out of her an explanation about any problem she is having to deal with, and if she continues to have such reactions, and/or, gives the impression during normal family times, that she is still not happy, then you and her Ddad should probably ask her GP for advice, and maybe for a referral to an appropriate and experienced child therapist.

Sorry, one last thing OP, my first impression on reading your OP, was that someone had been saying nasty things about her biological mother, or maybe about you, blaming you, her very DMum, for not having her Biological Mum in her life. Of course, I can't really have any idea about what has upset your DD, but I do hope and pray (if you don't mind), that you and her DDad, can find out quickly and gently, what the matter is, and that you can all go forward into a happy and rewarding future. xxx

What an absolutely ridiculous thing to say. Violence begets violence. That sort of behaviour could end up with you being the one getting beaten up , or worse. Then what does your child do? What sort of example is that to set?