Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

And also all of this. When a kid is in crisis as yours is, it's not about who's parenting etc its about who is the safest and best placed person in that moment to help them.

Cutting straight to the point- you’re doing exactly the right things. As awful as this obviously is for her (whatever’s happened). Your level head, consistency and obvious love and support is exactly what she needs to get through this. ❤️

@kewpiedoes Whilst taking her phone in the night is reasonable, constantly making her have the door open is not and I wouldn't do that. You don't know what happened and she deserves privacy even if there's risk of her harming herself which there might not be. I wouldn't even force the checking of her phone, just make her leave it somewhere because I think it's better to have a conversation where she opens up to you. You seem to be an amazing and kind mum and she's lucky to have to you.

@kewpiedoes i don’t really have any advice but I just wanted to say you sound wonderful and I have no doubt she will appreciate you so much even if not tonight.

I had no contact with my dad and it did really impact me as a teen (all good as an adult) so perhaps something to explore when she’s feeling up to it.

good luck getting through this blip ❤️

Just to say you’re doing great. She’s lucky to have someone calm and sane to navigate this with. I don’t think you actually need advice (especially as some of it is batshit) just trust your instincts, I don’t think you will go far wrong.

Hi @kewpiedoes - sorry you’re going through this.
in my experience this type of sudden angry behaviour is usually a result of a sudden extreme worry.. and it manifests as fight/ anger (in your case literally fight)
My DD did this at 11 once and she told me later it was because she had some vaginal discharge and she thought she was going to die. She didn’t realise it was linked to periods and at that time our relationship wasn’t good enough for her to tell me.

My guess is something has worried your DSD and she’s lashing out as she feels unable to discuss At this stage.

Oh OP, I don't have much to offer besides an agreement with several PPs that you sound like a fantastic stepmum and you're handling this with admirable compassion. The empathy and consideration in your posts is evident.

As someone who has suffered from overwhelm, meltdowns and lash-outs during my own teenage years, it sounds like you're doing the best possible thing. I can only imagine how different my adolescence would have felt with a stepparent as committed as you are to your DSD's wellbeing, as opposed to the threatening stepfather I had instead. I think you're on the right track giving her space without letting her feel alone, making sure she has food if and when she feels able to eat, and providing support on terms that suit you both. I hope you can get to the bottom of this soon, whether it be emotional, hormonal or something else entirely.

It'll be a long night, but try not to lose sight of the sunrise on the other side.

@kewpiedoes It sounds like something was either meant to happen when she was in town ie meeting a boy, and didn't, or something happened that she doesn't know how to deal with, maybe her friends have been pressuring her or doing things she isn't comfortable with. Do you know who she was meeting?
I hope you are able to get her to speak to you tomorrow, and you have a quiet incident free night, even if it's a sleepless one

I’m very glad you posted in parenting and not step parenting - I think you can tell from some of the responses how some step mum’s treat their stepchildren (the children they CHOSE to become stepparents to for gods sake).

I agree with the majority of the others - she’s 12, she’s going through something and you’re doing the right things. Hope everything becomes clearer in the morning.

I just wanted to say how amazing you’re dealing with the situation. I won’t go into personal experience but I’ve dealt with children in similar instances and have also been the person to deal with the fallout when it’s happened and the child’s not been treated as well as you’re treating your step daughter. It’s clear to me that you’ll discipline her with your husband later, when she’s calmed down and it’s appropriate. You’re absolutely brilliant to be able to put aside your own feelings of hurt, anger and confusion and instead focus on trying to make it clear to her that she is safe and loved and needs to calm down herself. I hope she communicates later and perhaps it’s been triggered by something that’s related to why her bio mum isn’t in her life? Maybe a comment made by someone has started the feelings and it’s been taken out on you bc you’re a safe person. I think maybe counselling would be good for the future for her, this is not something that should be treated as a one off really.

I hope tomorrow goes better and she calms down and can communicate a bit about it, even if she can’t quite explain all the reasons!

This May all already have been said by others but I couldn’t just click on another thread without making clear what a fantastic job you’re doing as a parent to her.

I’m so sorry this is happening. You sound like an amazing mother figure to her. Your SD is lucky to have you.

Have you time travelled from the 1980s to give that awful parenting advice?

Agree you’re doing a wonderful job. The people that children feel the safest with often get treated the worst! I’d insist you have a good look through her phone together with her or remove it completely if she won’t show you or tell you what’s wrong. Are you even sure she met friends in town? She could be being groomed or blackmailed.

What an awful situation for you, really sorry this is happening.
Would you consider turning off the wifi so if there is anything online that is bothering her (online bullying etc), she isn't exposed to it and that she might sleep?

This is a possibility. Unfortunately 12 isn't to young to get into this sort of thing. Has she changed friends lately?
Also has she lost weight lately. Eating disorders can cause this sort of behaviour as the brain becomes starved.
Could be a hormonal disorder.
Whatever it is you need to stamp on this behaviour now. Especially as you have younger children.

You have handled this fantastically well.

My step daughter at 12, was almost the same height as me and weighed more, so receiving a wallop from her would not have been insignificant. A child yes, child size - no.

Something has gone horribly wrong and she absolutely does need to be supported to the point that she feels able to explain. But her behaviour towards you isn’t acceptable, at all. That needs to be addressed.

Surprised the neighbours didn't actually if it was as bad as OP said. Not sure about UK but in New Zealand the police wouldn't prosecute a 12 year old for this, but can help speed up getting help through other agencies such as youth mental health services if necessary.

Is she pregnant?

If you get attacked a very normal response is to hit back. Would i hit back if I was getting battered yes I probably would.woyld I ever have hit my mum- not in a million years.
Some of the wet responses on here show exactly why we've got out of control kids and young adults who cant cope with life.

Been illegal in New Zealand for years. Surprised it's still legal in UK

"Next time you'll beat the fuck out of her, and she should thank her lucky stars that you were restrained enough not to do so when she hit you earlier."

What the fuck even are these posts.

This thread is actually depressing how out of order some of the advice on here is.

I would talk to the school and ask them to refer her to see a councillor. I am speaking from experience you have nothing to worry about. She needs to talk about how she is feeling.

Could that be at the root of the problem. At 12 she is becoming aware her mother isn't in the picture. She may be suddenly struggling with this, due to more awareness depending on reason. Also could be getting bullied about not having bio mum in her life.

Has some boy got heavy with her? Or have her friends humiliated her in some extra hurtful way?

OP Id let her cool down give her food outside her door. Tell her you love her and that when she's ready to talk, you are there.