Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

.. it’s completely out of character which is what shocked and scared me.

The more you say, the more I wonder if it is hormone related.

Better that than something awful having happened or her being bullied or something.

It's interesting, people saying here how their first period sent them a bit crazy. I remember lots of tears and tantrums around that age. 'Typical teenage girl' stuff isn't always fun & games, is it 😣

I think you are handling things really well OP.

The priority right now should be safety which you seem to have covered off and then getting her to calm down enough so that she is able to actually listen to what you are saying.

If she did not want her dinner I would leave some snacks outside her door and maybe a smoothie as she may find drinking easier than eating right now while she is so upset.

When you do try and talk to her, it usually goes better at this age if you are next to each other not across from each other and engaged in something else at the same time. So folding washing together or something.

I'm normally quick to get angry and am surprised I'm not agreeing with the posters about her needing to apologise to you and you protecting yourself and your younger two. There was a semi-similar post not long ago about a woman posting about her stepson attacking her, whilst her husband was abroad. Then, I was like call the police, tell his dad and lock the doors.

But on this occasion, I think everything your doing is right. You're gonna have a very long night but op you're doing a great job. I would say though, if she does shout or disrespect you, there should still be boundaries and you can calmly tell her not to speak to you like that.

I like how you've text her and left her food. Just send another one or two calming and reassuring texts through the night just saying you love her and whatevers happened you hope she's okay and can talk to you if she's ready. Or we don't need to talk about what happened today right now but there's a tub of Ice cream with both of our names on it if you're ready to come down x

However I didn't think she was bang out of order and once you've found out what happened there needs to be tough consequences. U wouldn't normally test bad behaviour with treats and ice-cream but her dad isn't here and although I doubt it's down to something serious, there is the chance that something has triggered this and the main priority is to keep you both safe tonight.

Good luck op

You’ve clearly never dealt with a child that’s completely overwhelmed. She’s already in fight or flight, coming down heavily on her when she’s clearly very distressed won’t fix anything, will heighten her even more and leave her without safety in the house. This isn’t a child prone to violence, it’s out of character for her so @kewpiedoes needs to figure out what’s fuelling the fire. Driving more conflict won’t help that.

There will be a time for clear conversation and boundary setting but this isn’t it. Getting her safely through the night is the priority, which @kewpiedoes is doing well. Not every behaviour needs to be hammered down on, immediately, especially when it’s so out of the norm and so extreme.

It sounds like she is lucky to have you. I hope you get to the bottom of what's going on and things get better for you both.

Great advice to not be face to face when you chat. You may even get better answers with texting - some peoplw find it easier to open up as it's less intimate.

I hope you're both OK tonight.

She's lucky to have you.

I remember that post. The boy was much older and had a pattern of bad behaviour.

This is very different. No advice OP beyond what you are doing.

Ignore the posters shouting about police, would they do that if it was a birth rather than step child

Something has to be troubling her as this sounds totally out of character.

I think you have done the right things. Little ones out but safe, feed her- you are showing her you care and the reflection conversation- even if this is when dad is back, tells her you won’t tolerate that again- your actions still show her you care.

She has let this out at you possibly because she feels safest with you.

How long has dad been away?

Does she usually have her phone all night?

Well done op x

OP you sound great. There is no point in trying to 'teach lessons' or retaliate while she is in a heightened state. It doesn't work with 4-year-olds and it doesn't work with teens.

Hopefully it will come out eventually. Perhaps the prolonged distress is partly a reaction to how badly she thinks she's behaved towards you.

Speaking from experience with my teenage granddaughter, if you strike her, you can be arrested. If your two other children witnessed what happened, keep an eye on them, especially if voices are raised or the situation is repeated. None of my grandchildren are the same children they were before their older sibling began misbehaving they are all traumatised, and if the two younger ones did see anything, they may be too.
You and your husband need to be a united front, supportive, caring, but clear what your expectations are. I hope she will open up to you and you can sort things satisfactorily.

I’m bloody glad you’re there with her too. As a mum, and former SS, you’re doing a great job.

Try to weed out the people who would actively harm children with their responses.

I'm sorry this happened. Unless you truly are concerned about her being alone, I would let her have her phone tonight, let her close her door and get some sleep. Tomorrow you can regroup and figure out what to do. You sound like a wonderful step mother.

OP you are amazing - sounds like you are a wonderful mum to this 12 year old SD. I was pretty awful at this age and a little older. I have an awful memory of my mum crying on her bedroom floor because of some terrible outbursts from me, and of my dad very upset saying ‘look what youve done to your mother’. I feel so terrible. I felt terrible at the time too but didn’t know how to regulate my big big emotions and feelings. Also not mature enough to know how to fix things. I’m over 40 now and the guilt is still there. I was a very hormonal and depressed teenager who self harmed and had suicidal thoughts throughout my teens and eating disorders in to my adulthood. But I have a fantastic relationship with my parents now and have apologised over and over for my pre teen and teen years. My parents wish they’d sought help for me then. I suggest getting children’s psychiatric care now. I didn’t get therapy until I was in my 30’s. Getting it at 12 would have helped so much….

For goodness sake. How ridiculous.

You are an amazing parent. 👏

I hope things have managed to stay settled. Just keep checking on her tonight, I'm sure she will have tired herself right out by getting so upset.

Perhaps she's just been bubbling over for the past few days and something had to give, and you, to her, were her safe space to be able to do that.

If you want her to open up, just keep showing her kindness and understanding.

You don't know what other kids say to her about her living situation. I don't know how much of a sore point her mother not being involved is for her.
Or perhaps with it being the holidays, she wanted her Dad around to start off with, and had some expectations around that.

I think she needs to be reminded of how loved she is and how important she is to everybody.

Recognise that however well behaved she is or well she does at school, there is still a person trying to navigate their way through life who may not always get it right.

I dont know about you, but I was an intense teenager. Maybe she just needs to hear that nobody's perfect all the time and that's OK. We all just try our best.

Hopefully she feels better soon and you also. X

She doesn’t get away with everything and is disciplined appropriately. Like I said in my OP she is a lovely girl. Obviously it would be a different scenario if was part of a pattern of bad behaviour or escalating violence but that’s not the case, it’s completely out of character which is what shocked and scared me. There’s no chance that she is up there thinking it was okay that she hit me.

@kewpiedoes my DD is 14 now but when she was 13 she completely lost it and slapped me. She was hormonal, having serious issues at school and, having a significant trauma history, was triggered into a trauma response. There was lots of shouting, slamming and then a slap. I was completely shocked because my DD is the nicest, kindest child you could meet - but in that moment she was in a trauma place that was out of her control.

I too sat outside her bedroom door, messaged her, fed her snacks, sat up with her. And was worried, heartbroken and fearful. It was a couple of days before she could tell me what was happening and, in her case there was a significant safeguarding issue in school that she felt ashamed of, to blame for and completely stuck with. We sorted it out, it took time and some very difficult conversations with school and some clear boundary setting for her but in all of it I kept the relationship I wanted to have with her front and centre. She has never been violent since, she has ways of diffusing things and knows she can come to me with anything, with no shame.

It’s easy to come down hard, but this is a child you know and love, you know how she usually is and this isn’t her. You’re doing a great job with her, think of what you would need if you found yourself beyond your ability to cope, and do that.

My son had a total meltdown the other night-he is 13. For context he is generally a good kid, people pleaser, not one negative at school last year and very academic. Therefore when he was crying, screaming and shouting the other night it was out of the blue. Shouting back made things worse. Turned out he was tired and hungry ffs. Too many late nights in the first week off and totally out of routine so he didn’t eat tea. That, combined with hormones led to a horror.
you’ve done right, I made him leave his phone downstairs and door open as he was in a state and in my head I had all the horror stories of finding him hanging in the morning or something equally horrific. As it was, a good sleep, some food and a gentle talking to and we got an apology and a different child!👦

Just want to say that you are lovely and I think you are handling this so well. The people posting about phoning the police and throwing her out, would they do that to their own 12 year old? I certainly wouldn’t. There will be consequences for the behaviour but she also needs support, something has clearly triggered her. Hope you are OK OP and that you manage some sleep/tomorrow’s a better day.

You sound really, really lovely OP. Whatever is going on with your SD at the moment she’s very lucky to have you on her side.

I’m sure you’ve thought this through, but yes door open and no phone to ensure her safety.

This sounds like completely out of the ordinary behaviour for her that came out of nowhere, which means something serious may have happened. She's a 12 year old girl who has never behaved like this, not a 16 year old who has been going off the rails for years. I hope her dad can get to the bottom of it if she won't talk to you.

That said, she still needs to apologise and you need to take her electronics, including her phone, until he gets home.

Just wanted to say you sound a wonderful step mum. She’s lucky to have you.
I don’t know why you’re getting comments saying you shouldn’t parent but I disagree. She lives with you and regardless of biology she’s your daughter as is clear in how you talk about her. Hope you have a good resolution. Best of luck.

This. Something’s going on and what’s happened constitutes as an emergency. Please call him home and let him speak to his daughter. Hope you’re both okay xx

She's 12, there is horrendous advice on this thread. No wonder we've so many kids going into care ffs. Tbh I think the age of criminal responsibility in this country is way too low as it is. But that's a different debate.

Op if this is it of character, which from what you've said it sounds like it is, then I'd be really worried about what you're not clued in on. I'd take the phone and trawl it and I'd ask her exactly what happened when she was out and who she met when she's calm enough to talk. That sounds a lot like she's lashed out at you because she wanted to lash out at someone else and you need to know why ASAP.

Another possibility is, she's 12, it is possible she's having significant mood swings associated with her period? It's less common but it can happen, I've worked with a few young women who are angels until the day or two before and then they're overnight suicidal and can be aggressive.

I think you did all the right things by bringing her food etc and checking in. This is worrying and you need her to open up not simply shut her down and punish her because that will damage the relationship and possibly leave her really vulnerable if there is something insidious going on in the background. It's not about rewarding (although the very idea that bringing a child food is rewarding is actually fucking tragic when it's a basic need being met).

Good plan for her dad to come back early and for you to approach this as a team. I also wondered about whether her mum could have made contact with her since she targeted you specifically.