Another Parent Approached My Child

[CircussMasterr]

Just looking for a bit of advice. My DD was approached by another child’s parent in the playground before school last week. She came home and told me about it when school was finished. Apparently the parent said to her to leave their child alone or they would speak to me. To be clear, this parent has my husband’s phone number and knows where we live.

Now, I know my DD isn’t a saint, she can be bossy/rude, just like any other kid can. They are children, they do have disagreements. These, as far as I have ever been aware, have been dealt with by the teachers and are not anything out of the ordinary behaviour wise for kids of this age.

I’ve never been shy to tell my DD if what she is doing/how she is behaving is unacceptable and I do enforce consequences to her actions where needed. When someone treats her unkindly I have told her to firstly tell them what they are doing and how it makes her feel in case they don’t realise and then if it continues to just tell them she doesn’t want to play with them because they keep doing the same thing.

She has had a bit of an on again off again friendship with this parent’s child. They just seem to clash sometimes. This child now comes into school telling my DD that her parent is going to beat me up, her parent is going to come to our house and speak to me because my DD is bullying her etc. I told my DD to say that’s totally fine and that I am more than happy to have a conversation with her Mum. When I have seen this parent out they don’t say anything, I smile, they nod, that sort of thing. We’re not best pals but I assumed this was all just kids being kids as they never came to me or even hinted there was an issue.

Now to find out that they have approached my DD themselves and what I feel can only be described as intimidated her I feel really pissed off.

I called the school and the HT said that she didn’t feel it was something she needed to inform me about as it happened on school grounds and she dealt with it. We disagreed on this and she apologised and assured me that it would not happen again. She also told me she had spoken to the other parent.

My DD still struggling with this all as there is another friend that now seems caught between her and the other child and the other child seems to be making her choose a “side”.

This parent was at a school event that my husband was at and didn’t say a word to him. They haven’t reached out. I’m not sure what to do?

It sounds as though your child is bullying the other. Children "being chikdren" is not an excuse. There needs to be nil tolerance.

I was supporting at a children’s group last night. We are all volunteers. I had to speak sternly to one child. Their behaviour was so disruptive. They don’t have any ND. They just don’t want to partake or stop talking. I told them that their behaviour that night was appalling and they should be disappointed with themselves as their disruption was taking the spotlight from other children who were completing their task. They actually stopped and while a bit sulky, complied. Which they hadn’t done before the home truths. As a parent myself I would want to know if my child wasn’t behaving plus I believe it takes a village to raise therefore anyone can point out/help with shitty behaviour.

You are focussing on the wrong thing. Nothing wrong with what the other parent did. You need to focus on your child’s behaviour. Telling your child that the parent shouldn’t have spoken to them is sending completely the wrong message. Gives her the message that she do whatever the fuck she likes when you aren’t watching

Your child is a bully, sort that shit out instead of acting like a victim.

Your child told you about this because she was confused and or upset by the interaction of a mum coming to her and threatening her in what should have been a safe space protected by the school. That shouldn’t have happened.

i am assuming you didn’t leave your child unsupervised on the playground before school OP and you assumed there was adequate supervision. ?

Adults should not be allowed to interact in this way with children on school premises. It seems that the HT did know about it and yet failed to report this incident involving your child to you, hence her late apology.

You have described your child as quite a strong character saying she can be bossy and rude at times. That isn’t to say she is a bully. Some children are very assertive, others far less so and most others somewhere in the middle range. They all have to learn to find ways to tone down or to speak up so that they can get along in a group, guided by the teachers.

I think this has to be seen as a school failing, as from what I read into it, the threatening parent should not have had access to your child in the playground.
If a parent thinks their child is being bullied, they should speak to the class teacher and put their concerns across that way. And not seek access to a child on school premises directly, as this is intimidation. The parent could have made you aware either at the school gate or by calling your husband if she had a concern about your child.

If your child is too bossy during school, then she should be guided on useful strategies to check herself and her tone with others - and you should have been informed so that you can also help her not to be bossy and rude. The child who felt unable to assert herself without her mum’s help also deserves to have a lot of support from the teacher in gaining confidence to learning stand up for herself when another child is too bossy.

School isn’t the place for parents to directly approach other children to threaten them or tell them off. Instead, they have to trust that the school will play their part in taking care of children’s emotional development as well all parents concerns when things go wrong.

If you feel the school is now taking care of the problem properly, then all you have to do is follow up regularly that your child is still being supported to always be kind and respectful with other children. And that your child is being protected in the playground from other parents.

Based on the OP, any of a number of things could be going on here. The parents of this child have had multiple opps to speak to the OP and her husband. It was the other child that used threatening language to the OPs child and is now telling another friend to take sides against the OPs child. If I were the OP i would certainly be picking up the phone to the parents now as it sounds like she's not getting much out of the school.

The woman did right I would have done exactly the same if my child was being bullied. Have a serious word with your daughter. Bullying isn't acceptable.

She's spoken to the school, that's the correct way to do things not approach a child.

I'd be raising the threats the other child is making which are clearly bullying.

The other child is clearly the bully. Not unusual tactics for a bully to protect themselves by making false allegations.

If you would do this instead of thinking rationally and approaching a)teacher or b) parents and then you are a bully.

My GD was bullied at her primary school, she's adopted and more vulnerable due to trauma in her early life. The school said they would deal with it but simply didn't, to the extent that incidents in the playground were reported but not even put in an incident book (actual injuries due to being pushed from a climbing frame). My DD actually heard someone saying unpleasant things to her quite openly after school. Her class teacher was particularly useless. Eventually she moved to another school and is very happy, no bullying because the staff move in immediately there is a problem. She later discovered that no teachers in the first school had undertaken any of the borough's training for dealing with bullying.
My DD would not dream of approaching another parent, the school should be capable of dealing with bullying.

It does sound as though the OP's DD could have been bullying, but only the school should deal with this. They should be capable of finding out exactly what has been going on.

💯

You sound like a bully point of view.
Bullies should never be tolerated. It can have a lifetime effect on children.

That a parent approaches a child and there's an immediate suggestion that the child is lying about a part of it is fucking cracked.

Absolutely this. Do some parents refuse to acknowledge their child's poor behaviour - yes. Does anything in the OP suggest her child is a bully - not really - the opposite seems to be the case as the kid has now been on the end of it from both the other child AND that child's parent. It applies equally to that parent as the OP.

From experience it's also the case that some parents cannot handle normal childhood conflict and blow it out of propertion. That's why you speak to the other PARENT and don't cold approach a child.

I have done the same myself and I would not hesitate for a moment to do it again.

spot on!

I detest bullies so I would have spoke to your child too if school hasn't been able to sort it out so far.

It takes a village. The other child's parent hasn't done anything wrong. If your child was behaving better there wouldn't have been any need for anyone to speak to her.

Bossy/rude aren't anything to be proud about either.

An unrelated, unvetted and biased adult telling a young child off without that child having a trusted adult there to advocate for them and protect them IS bullying (or at least intimidation). Because of the power imbalance. It is never ok for parents to do this, it is a form of bullying in itself.

There are exceptions of course - if the child or other children are in danger or if the parent is out-of-sight or has left you in charge, for example. I've sometimes had to intervene in soft play to stop dangerous behaviour. But I always try to do it in a positive, general way, focusing on safety, and avoid using critical or derogatory language about the child. I prefer to have a word with the parents or staff as an alternative. I would never confront a child unless there was an immediate risk that needed addressing.

The "village" was part of the reason that so much violence against children and childhood sexual abuse went under the radar in the past. Being a respectable adult conferred a kind of moral authority compared to children that children did not have the knowledge or power to challenge. We have thankfully moved away from that (but perhaps not far enough) and this does make it harder in some ways to collectively parent our children. But there are too many unbalanced, aggressive adults out there who should not be given the green light to let loose on young children, and it's reassuring that most people think it's unacceptable to verbally attack young children in a scenario where they don't have anyone to stick up for them.

Great post.

Unfortunately, some children feel quite emboldened to not only speak to adults in a manner that most adults wouldn’t speak to each other in but to being incredibly intimidating to other children.
We aren’t judging them by the same standards of yesterday year.

Unfortunately, some children feel quite emboldened to not only speak to adults in a manner that most adults wouldn’t speak to each other in but to being incredibly intimidating to other children.
We aren’t judging them by the same standards of yesterday year, respect is a two way street.

And there would be no excuse for swearing or physical contact or abusive behaviour.
But I have no issue with challenging bratty children under any circumstances.

If you don’t like it, ensure your child doesn’t behave like a brat. It’s really simple.

The parents of the other child should have spoken to the school not the child. Kids are not always honest . It often ends up being 6 of one half dozen of the other. The kids are friends a few days later and the adults are still at it weeks later.

A bullying situation is different though but it does still need sorting through the school.

For the love of God, how do people get through the day??
Another parent TALKED TO your child - call the police!
As someone said upthread, this is the way parenting used to work. Everyone looked out for each other's child and were not afraid to keep them in line.
Until this bizarre insular parenting became a thing 'my little family' and all that, no one else welcome.
We are bringing up a generation of children who will be outraged if anyone has the cheek to comment on anything they do - that will make for an interesting workplace in 20 years time.
See also the thread yesterday when the poster was outraged because someone POINTED at their child. God forbid anyone who TOUCHES the sacred child.
Absolute nonsense.

Mum should have dealt with it through the school, but I find your response to the alleged bullying quite odd. In your shoes, I would have proactively spoken to the parent about their concerns or perhaps involved the school etc. Shrugging and saying "that's fine" seems very passive.