i read my daughter’s diary

[kennycat]

i feel horrendous. i found her diary while cleaning her room and couldn’t resist. im devastated. she says she’s really depressed, feels fat and is on a diet, skipping breakfast etc.
she’s 12.
i’ve never suggested she’s anything other than normal sized so this has come from somewhere else.
i want to speak to my husband about it but don’t want to admit i’ve read her diary. aaaaaagh what do i do??

God you really shouldn’t have done that! You are lucky you didn’t read worse. Children often experiment with drama in diaries and you could have read a diatribe about her hating you.

Does she show any signs of depression in daily life? Is she eating well? I think all you can do is be more vigilant as to things being awry and try to chat in the car and keep lines of communication open.

Why can’t you speak to your husband about it?

talk about healthy eating, call her to the breakfast table speak about the importance of balanced nutrition etc.
all the while realizing diaries are not always “true”.

Does she have a phone? If so check it to see what she is looking at.

Because she read her daughter's private diary and he will judge her for it.

My mother read mine, she must have actively looked for it as I’d hidden it. Later she’d go through my handbag and suitcase when I came back from nurse training.
i never ever confided in her or trusted her.
Your poor DD , that’s unforgivable in my eyes.

Nope, don't make a thing of it by raising it. Model good behaviour, enjoy your food in moderation, 3 balanced meals together at the table, never use 'diet' talk. Spend time together preferably being active or out of the house, severely restrict tech use, and have any difficult conversations non confrontationally eg side by side on a wall or in the car.

I hope that you're checking her phone, because that's far more important. You need to check what she's accessing online.
I don't know why you can't talk to your husband about it, because you need to.

Op if she is depressed or in the early stages of disordered eating and poor body image you now have an opportunity to help her. BEAT the eating disorder charity have a really good helpline you can call and it would be worth chatting to them on Monday.

It would also be worth looking at the advice on Young Minds. If you can get her to open up (without telling her you read the diary) about her mood then she might need counselling or GP referral.

Readjng her diary wasn’t ideal obviously but it sounds as though it is a good thing you did.

Hand on heart, OP, is she overweight? I only say that because many parents completely miss it and insist their child is a healthy weight when they're not.

Is she overweight? If so change the family's diet and introduce more exercise and activities. Eating disorders are often about control, are you controlling in other ways?

As pp suggested, make sure you're keeping tabs on what she's looking at online. Social media is a huge cause of insecurity and mental ill health in children and she's only 12.

What have you said each time she's skipped breakfast?

If she’s worrying about her weight for no particular reason then this will make it worse

And this is why I used to write my diary in French when I was a child.

Terrible of you to read it. You’ll have to find a way to chat to her if you’re worried, but don’t tell her you read it.

My mum did this to me, it was hidden so she had gone looking for it.

Unforgivable.

Oh come on OP this is highly relevant and obviously you'll get useless responses in this thread from withholding this information.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/eatingdisorders/5280485-anorexia-and-weight-gain

i’ve never suggested she’s anything other than normal sized so this has come from somewhere else.

I've got an idea where!

Does she have social media? And a smartphone? I’d leave it a short while if so, then show her some stuff you’ve been reading about smartphones and say you think it’s better to have some boundaries around it. Like no social media etc. just say you’ve been inspired by some news articles. There are loads, and link to smartphone free movement. If she has no smartohone and no social media I’m not sure. Just trying to make one helpful suggestion. It’s so hard to know your child’s unhappy
https://www.smartphonefreechildhood.org

ahhh OP! My mum always read my diary and I absolutely hated it :(
never tell her that you read it or give any inclination.
keep offering her breakfast options (eggs, fruit salad, porridge) and keep an eye on her

@kennycat how is your own therapy going. This is HIGHLY relevant as PP say

But the OP’s daughter is 12!

How is your own BMI, in your previous post it was dangerously low? She may be picking up on the disconnect between what you say (that she is a healthy weight) and what you do (maintain your own BMI at 14)

Have you ever spoken with your daughter about your diagnosis? It might be time for a full and frank family discussion where you acknowledge your issues and say that you are/will be getting help for it

She's a child and yes it's legal to read her diary

She’s 12
why is it unforgivable
the daughter has an eating disorder

so you expect to just the mum to just leave her to it whilst a 12 year old struggles with her mental health?