Anorexia and weight gain

[kennycat]

I’m 43 and have anorexia (they diagnosed this but I eat tonnes of food. Mainly fruit and veg though). BMI is around 14.
anyway im
in therapy with NHS. Just started.
I just cannot get to grips with the idea I need to gain weight. I just feel I can’t do it, as in it will make me feel rubbish and sad. I weigh myself religiously at the same time
Each week and that dictates how I feel that day and possibly the next. I’m so ritualistic in my eating and the idea of 3 snacks a day is sounding too difficult. It seems so much easier to just carry on as I am. I love being the size I am, feel really happy with it.
is this not the right time (yet again) to et and sort myself out?

You need to trust the professionals on this. Sending hugs

OP you're a grown woman and you're aware that you're severely underweight. Being that thin can cause a plethora of health problems including organ failure.

You need to dump the scales and start looking after yourself. I would drink nutritional shakes and try and get your BMI up before you cause irreparable harm.

Beat is an eating disorder charity with a good helpline if you need to talk to someone.

Everything you've written here, you need to explain to your therapist next time you see them. They will have come across this many times before and can help you. Don't give up, there is a part of you that wants to get better.

I feel this too although my BMI is a bit higher than yours. It’s the illness talking but it’s so difficult to change the narrative in your head. You’re getting help which is a great start. It’s going to take time I imagine for mindset to change but hopefully over time you will start to see and feel things differently.

Anorexia is a very deceptive illness. You can't trust what the illness is telling you.

Objectively your BMI is low and that's dangerous for you.

The therapy will help you work through the effect the illness has on your thinking.

This is so tough OP, well done for going to therapy.

To put it bluntly, your low weight is having a severe mental impact on you - it’s leaving you incapable of rational thought.

Please stick with the therapy and listen to what they say. Would you find drinks like ensure easier than eating a snack? Could be something to ask for.

The first step in recovery is always the hardest but that’s behind you now, just keep going

I know you feel as though you don't agree with the diagnosis, or you 'can't' get help, but almost every sentence in your post is an example of the way eating disorders change your thinking patterns and the dangerous behaviour it makes you think you need to exhibit. Which is exactly why you need to engage with treatment: it's why EDs are so hard to treat, because a big chunk of the disease is convincing you you don't need or can't have treatment. But just from what you've written here, you really need it. I really do hope you keep going, for your own sake - anorexia robs you of so much.