i read my daughter’s diary

[kennycat]

i feel horrendous. i found her diary while cleaning her room and couldn’t resist. im devastated. she says she’s really depressed, feels fat and is on a diet, skipping breakfast etc.
she’s 12.
i’ve never suggested she’s anything other than normal sized so this has come from somewhere else.
i want to speak to my husband about it but don’t want to admit i’ve read her diary. aaaaaagh what do i do??

Don't tell her about the diary.
Why don't you say to her you are going to do a healthy eating diet and excercise plan and need some moral support and ask if she ccan do it with you. Then do it alongside her. I felt the same at her age. There are the super slim girls and then the more athletic looking girls and at that age all you want to be is the waif thin dainty one.

Op I’m so sorry to hear you are struggling with an eating disorder yourself and now have this worry as well. Please do tell your dh asap today, so you can handle this together.

I think in light of the familial disordered eating you should seek external help for your dd via a referral to specialist support through your GP asap.

Oh goodness. I didnt read that. Not so easy yet.

Reading that diary has led to you finding that she is depressed and developing and eating disorder. Very important information! Ignore the judgement from other posters, the child is 12. Reading her diary is just as invasive as checking someone's phone but no one would argue you couldn't check a 12 year olds phone for safety.
You can approach her about how she is feeling and say you have noticed these things without saying you read her diary.

I'm astonished that a pp has had posts deleted. They weren't troll-hunting or being rude in the earlier posts I read but factually stating relevant information that the OP has posted on another thread.

OP, you may as well be honest on here and give as much information as you can. You'll get nonsense replies and massive projections, but chances are someone has been in a similar situation or has the knowledge and experience to be able to help, even if only in a small way.

It can't be easy - in fact I can't think of many things that would terrify me more than a child with an ED - but fear of being fat to the extent that it's dictating how you nourish your body is a serious issue, as I'm sure you're aware now you see it in your daughter.

What part of 'I don't want to admit I read her diary' do you not understand??

I agree you shouldn't admit to that - I never forgave my mother nor fully trusted her, after she did the same when I was 12.

Have you observed her eating (or not eating) breakfast? You could start by noticing that, rather saying you read her diary. You know what is worrying her, so look for signs about her eating and her mood and so on. Ask her questions, eat healthy meals together. Give her the opportunity to talk to you. It will take some time and patience, but take the diary as a cue for what to look for.

I think reading someone else’s diary is just intrusive

I honestly think in some situations we have to put our child's safety first. An eating disorder is not to messed about with. It's a potentially life threatening condition that thrives on secrecy.

You now have valuable information and you need to act accordingly to nip this in the bud.

I had to read horrendous heartbreaking private things to save my daughter's life and I don't apologise for that. She was not in her right mind and she needed me to help and protect her from an insidious illness.

Blimey op, that is such a breach of trust. Never ever tell her you did that, and never do it again! She will never trust you again, and that could seriously damage your relationship going forward. However you do now have some information you need to act on. Carefully start to tackle the issues raised, eg eating issues, without letting on what you read.

My mother read my diary. She also read my medical records while waiting for me to come round from a general anaesthetic. I have never forgiven her.

My advice is: pretend it never happened and never do it again. Focus on building up her confidence in areas of her life that are not superficial - learning a new skill, building a hobby, doing things outside her comfort zone.

@AmelieSummer25 no need to be rude. I’m wondering why she can’t admit it to her husband, that seems odd to me, when you’re supposed to trust your husband and be able to talk openly about things, especially when they concern your child and something you are worried about.

No guesses where she’s getting it from! Poor girl

Do not feel guilty. She is 12 and clearly needs help. Perhaps suggest you go walking together. Maybe make a story that a friend of yours always felt overweight but now has a lovely healthy diet. Try introducing nutritious food. See if there is a hobby that would help her burn off her calories. Tell her how beautiful she is.

Rtft!

This is exactly what my mother did to me too, right down to me being a student nurse and working on the wards at the time.

I never trusted her again.

Don’t do this. At that age I’d have read this as suggesting I was fat…

i haven’t known about it because we all have breakfast separately on weekdays because of schedule.

i’d struggle to get her to go for a walk! she is a pain about doing anything!!
i can try…

My mother and my older sister found a way to pick the lock on my bedroom bureau and read my diaries. I kept a diary every year from when I was 9 until I was 22.

When I was 22 I was living abroad but my bedroom was kept for me at home as I fully intended to come back to England. While visiting home, I suspected they were reading my diaries by things they mentioned, so I wrote some really outrageous lies in my latest diary which they couldn't help commenting on. So my suspicions were confirmed. I burned all 13 diaries. I never forgave, trusted or confided in them after that. I left and never went back to England to live.

I'm in my 70's and I wish I had those diaries now.

Reading your child's private diary is a good way to becoming hated by her.

Don’t tell your husband. Sit your daughter down and talk to her. Say you were cleaning, found a notebook and didn’t realise until your read some it was a diary. That you apologise for invading her privacy and if she wants to talk you are there.

Don’t lie! What kind of adult do you want to raise? Raise one that takes personal responsibility, isn’t afraid to be accountable for their actions and recognises that everyone makes mistakes. The talking about body image comes later, and hopefully when she confides in you. Lying and getting found out is how never to be trusted and for your daughter to pull away

But any parent checking a child's phone, which they should be, has it as part of the agreement of them having a phone in the first place that it will be checked. Children sending msgs etc are also aware that anyone can be shown them, and even if their own doesn't, other parents will be checking and reading them. A diary is written under the assumption it will be respected as being private and won't be read by anyone
OP unfortunately your own disordered eating may play into this if you are still visibly underweight without you ever saying anything. I'm conscious of this with my own child who is not overweight but a very different build to me regardless of weight plus I am just about the right weight for my height and can go under easily in times of stress when I have no appetite. She just looks at me as something thinner with big boobs, when in fact she has a fabulous figure. Its a difficult topic to manage but especially if you are trying to manage your own thoughts and situation too, would your therapist have any advice for you re your daughter.