If your child played high level sport and didn’t ’make it’

[Remaker]

Did they carry on playing as an adult? And would you do it all again?

My question was prompted by a friend who has turned into a ‘dance mom’. Driving all over the countryside for dance competitions, custom made leotards and Facebook posts that resemble academy award acceptance speeches. I’ve seen several friends go down this path before, spend thousands, devoted every weekend to dance competitions and the child hits 18 and never dances outside a nightclub again.

One of my cousins has two boys who’ve pursued football at representative level, again thousands spent on coaching and weekends driving hundreds of km. Both gave up football altogether by 20.

Meanwhile other friends’ kids who played in a local club team are still playing their sports now, well into their 20s.

So if you had a very talented/dedicated child who didn’t make it as a professional, do they still play? And would you do it all again or discourage them from being so driven?

I'm afraid I’m not the one to answer your question as my child is still a child. But it’s a very interesting one.

I would say, currently being in the thick of it, that I hope whatever happens I won’t regret the hours he’s spent exercising in the sunshine or at least fresh air, learning how to fail, learning how to win, improving by working hard at something, working as a team, bonding with other boys, all that. Regardless of where he ends up, it feels like a positive way to spend his time right now.

Though I don’t post about mine on social media…

Oh I've seen a few Oscars-worthy speeches from dance mums on FB 😆 Football mums are nearly as passionate I think. I do love to see people boast with genuine pride about their children's achievements. But yes, there is a point at which you've got to wonder if it is "worth it". If they can afford it and the children enjoy it, I edge toward "yes", in most cases.

I have a relative who got to a high level then couldn't continue for health reasons They still coach but don't play competitively.

Apparently there were a lot of parents connected with the sport who'd sold their houses to push their children's sporting careers, only for those children to stop playing in their late teens.

My DS played his sport to a national level throughout high school.

By 16 he recognised himself that he wasn’t ever going to go beyond that and made sure to focus on his studies as well as his sport.

He continues to play at university and is training as an official so that he can participate throughout his life.

He has gained so much from playing that we don’t regret a single thing. Much like ilparadodosdoltos above we recognise the myriad of benefits* *that playing a team sport has brought to his life.

I should say that our support was never given with the view that he would become a pro. We just supported an activity he enjoyed and excelled in.

DS is now 19 and has been a competitive swimmer from the age of 9. Most days he was training morning and evening and weekends spent at competitions. Yes, it has been intense and often stressful. However, it has also provided him with a fantastic group of friends. When things were tough at school, he was able to de-stress with his team. He's had some amazing experiences with the team, that he wouldn't normally have.

He's just finished his first year at uni and the first thing he did when he went was join the uni team and City team. Again this has provided him with an amazing group of friends. They go to competitions together and really support each other s well as have regular nights out. When he comes home, the first thing he does is go back to his "home" club to see his friends.

I'd say the stress and money has definitely been worth it!

My son is only young but plays a team sport. He's unlikely to make it professional (but who knows?), but I hope it sets him up for a lifetime of being active, being part of a team, social opportunities and everything else that comes with it.

I should clarify that I am in Australia and according to my English DH our ‘local’ sport involves more dedication than he experienced as a child. So our DS has never played cricket or football at rep level but still trains 4x a week and plays two games per weekend. DD plays in two different social netball teams plus training and umpires a few times a week. So they’re getting all the benefits of a team sport which we are very happy about, but without the big costs and it’s all local to us.

I don't have kids but my brother played football pretty seriously as a kid and into his teens. It became apparent he wouldn't be able to go pro but he played 5 aside into his 20s before giving up. My mum definitely doesn't regret it (we've discussed it), he struggled with various things academically and health-wise so it was great for him to have something he was succeeding at. And because football is so central for a lot of boys it gave him a fair amount of "social status" too which also helped him.

He's now a very successful adult doing something completely different, and I definitely think working hard as a kid helped that form.

I think you’re asking the wrong question. Most kids involved in sport at a high level know exactly how good the best others in their age group are, hence how slim the chances are of doing it professionally or whatever else might be meant by ‘making it’. That is often solely a parental delusion based on how identified they’ve become with their child’s success. The children often handle stepping away far better. Or they’re talented, but not that interested. Friends have two sons who play county tennis, but the one who is by far the most talented isn’t interested, and the one with the drive, who would love a tennis scholarship to a US college, isn’t good enough.

And no, many of them don’t continue whatever it was in adulthood, because it’s not fun if, say, it’s a team sport and you’re too good for the pub team or whatever. Or even solo sports. I have a friend who is a former elite swimmer. She gets her exercise elsewhere, because she’s too fast for the fast lanes of any public pool, and it’s not ‘enjoyable exercise’ for her.

I am a "dance mum" my daughter is 14 and currently dances for around 12 hours per week as well as attending workshops etc on a weekend. She currently would like to be a teacher in a primary school setting - so nothing to do with dance. Would i do it again - in a heart beat. Dance has taught her discipline, time management, tenacity and good social skills with her peers and adults. She has an amazing group of friends that all have the same positive attitude / work ethic as she does.

I can understand the positives in what people describe, such as making new friends, great exercise, but I do wonder about the negative impact on siblings. Weekends and family time taken away every week, due to traveling all over the country in order for little Jonny to pursue his potential football career, only for it to never come to fruition…. Everything in moderation

@PondGhost I think there might be cultural differences at play. In Australia it’s not just rep level or pub level. There are flourishing community competitions here in every sport where players take it seriously in terms of training and being competitive. i guess that’s why it stands out to me that people who were very dedicated as teenagers are the ones playing no sport at all as adults.

Yes that’s another thing to consider when you have one very sporty child. There’s definitely an imbalance in time and resources.

But why is that a problem to your mind, that formerly elite kids don’t engage in sport in adulthood?

Picking on dance specifically.

It's good to encourage a child to work hard and succeed. Some of these children will do really well due to hard work and talent and most parents, if they can afford it, will do what they can to enable them to do their best.

Most will only be good enough for the local dance school But we shouldn't diss parents of talented kids for running around that extra mile.

So, whether they make it, or don't, isn't the important thing here.

The important thing is learning work ethics, following a passion, learning to win and lose.

And, every child I've known go to dance school for a decent amount of time, has increased confidence, posture and fitness.

What's to lose?

I also grew up with an Olympian (Gold) and World Record Holder. When I knew him he was talented but never thought he stood a real chance. Don't try - you've no chance of winning.

DD1 was really into dance, started out as a once a week hobby when she was 5 and ended up competing at world championship level, DD2 also danced for the same dance school, but wasn't keen on the competing side so only entered a few competitions.

DD1 gave up dancing when she was at college, she no longer dances but does help out at the dance school and still enjoys watching dance shows, etc.

When she started I didn't appreciate how much time and money would be spent on it, but I still don't regret it. I have spoken to DD's about it since they gave up and they are both glad they danced.They are still friends with some of their dance friends now, it gave them confidence and kept them fit.

I wouldn't discourage them from being so driven, but it needs to come from them. Some of the 'Dance Moms' we met over the years were very pushy and winning seemed more important to them than their children.

That’s certainly the case in the family I mentioned above. The two elite tennis-playing older boys were being driven to tournaments and regional training sessions every weekend, and being in different age groups, these were often in different places, so both parents were involved, and the younger daughter (too young to be home alone) had a very thin time, just hanging around doing her homework courtside or in car parks. In the end, we would have her for at least one full day each weekend, as she was friends with our DS. I think it was partly guilt about this that made the (very nice) parents struggle when the very good son chose to quit, because they’d hoped a tennis scholarship to the US would have justified the impact on the lives of the rest of the family.

So I’m an adult who was this child. Swimming.

I gave it up in my twenties.

BUT. Came back in and it is now my job, my hobby, my passion.

id go it again for me in a heartbeat, whilst simultaneously being very glad neither of my dc are doing anything with the same training intensity. It’s much harder for the parents, they are doing all the work and the child gets all the reward.

Its not that difficult to manage if you are sensible and thoughtful.

Our daughter had her own interests and was supported in those too. She was never forced to spectate or travel to games and fortunately being a two parent family we just organised our lives so that everyone had what they needed.

There’s no lurking resentment and she was hugely proud watching her brother play for his country just as he was proud of her achievements.

What's to lose?

Huge swathes of their childhood? Of time spent as a family? Of time that could have been given to other siblings?

One of my friends was in an elite sports school and made it to european championships in her sport. Did ok, but was never going to get any further and then an injury in her late teens finished it off for good. She bitterly regrets that her childhood was spent in constant training and travelling and envies the fact her older sister was not as talented so got to quit earlier. She's thankful that injury got her out of it. She thought she wanted it at the time (clearly, you don't get to that level without personal commitment), but realised that she just got railroaded into it and never got the chance to explore other things.

One dc here whose dream was the make it to GB team etc…. He didn’t make it but is continuing with his sport.
im lucky that dc2 also really enjoyed that same sport so was happy to join in to the various weekend trips across the U.K.
Dc2 is just as enthusiastic about sports though. Just a very dufferent sport he discovered when at uni.

My niece and nephew were swimming. Again, high level. Nephew was dreaming of team GB etc etc. Early start at least once w week (5.00am) for training etc etc….Now as adults, niece is still swimming but in a totally different category. Nephew stopped swimming as soon as he left home. Not much sport going either.
The one who suffered is their younger sibling who was told she couldn’t do xyz because ‘swimming’. And was never given a chance to shine in her own right. :(

That’s if you are a 2 parent family though. And if both parents are happy (and able!!) to step in.

They’re still going to miss time spent as a family.

I also think you’re wrong op about cultural differences between Uk and Australia. I’ve lived in both places. Just because it wasn’t your dhs experience, it doesn’t mean sport didn’t exist to the same levels in the UK, it means that he wasn’t part of it. Stereotyping hugely, Australians (and South Africans) seem to have this feeling that they are superior in sport to every other country when any results will show you that’s patently untrue. I run a swim school and whenever I get a new enquiry they always feel the need to shoehorn in to the conversation that they’re Australian. No other countries citizens do that.

You are right, much more difficult for a single parent in lots of ways, not just in relation to siblings.

As for family time - it depends on the family, the sport and the amount of travel required. Missing family time wasn’t ever a problem for us - I do absolutely acknowledge that it might be a problem for other sports and other families.