If your child played high level sport and didn’t ’make it’

[Remaker]

Did they carry on playing as an adult? And would you do it all again?

My question was prompted by a friend who has turned into a ‘dance mom’. Driving all over the countryside for dance competitions, custom made leotards and Facebook posts that resemble academy award acceptance speeches. I’ve seen several friends go down this path before, spend thousands, devoted every weekend to dance competitions and the child hits 18 and never dances outside a nightclub again.

One of my cousins has two boys who’ve pursued football at representative level, again thousands spent on coaching and weekends driving hundreds of km. Both gave up football altogether by 20.

Meanwhile other friends’ kids who played in a local club team are still playing their sports now, well into their 20s.

So if you had a very talented/dedicated child who didn’t make it as a professional, do they still play? And would you do it all again or discourage them from being so driven?

Name change for this one.

Got DD into figure skating at a very young age and she had some natural talent and we were making lots of friends. Got really sucked in, and for a long time DD was really rising. By the time she was 7, she was up at 5 every day to skate before school and then it was straight to the rink after school, skating 6 days per week, every week, multiple coaches and multiple private lessons per day, etc. She had to miss lots of birthday parties, trips, and other special things for skating. At the time, it didn't feel like a sacrifice, it felt like a priority. By the time she was 9, we were doing part-time school. When she was 14, she stopped loving it, and by then, we had seen a really nasty side to the "elite" level of this sport in terms of the other mothers and, less so, the other girls. DD wanted to quit and do other things, was feeling frustrated by puberty and the impact on her performance, and a lot of her friends were quitting around that age, but it had been such a huge part of her childhood that we really pushed her to stay in it. Our hearts were absolutely shattered of the thought of it all ending when it had been such a huge part of her childhood and throwing away all that she worked so hard for. We made her stay, but she miserable and made no effort for a good year. Two years later, she is actually the one pushing to keep going now but I wish we'd let her quit when she wanted to. We've given up so much for one sport and she had a huge setback when she stopped loving it, is now far behind, still training at a very elite level but no longer an elite skater. The parents at this level are insufferable so it's not a good social experience, and it does sadden me to see how far behind DD fell. Not sure what the end game is anymore other than discipline and physical activity. She definitely plans to quit when she goes to college. The cost, by the way, is exorbitant.

I tell myself a lot of good did come out of this level of commitment, and we met a lot of people, traveled, etc. And it's a skill she will have for life. But it came with a cost, and I can't be sure that the negative outweighs the positive. I guess someday I will have better clarity.

Only a very small proportion of parents with dancing dc are the 'dance moms' of which you speak. Many of them (and it is almost always mums) seem to be associated with one particular ultra-competitive dance style. The one with endless competitions all over the country every week, enough make-up to sink the Titanic, massive piles of trophies, huge quantities of sequins and incredibly expensive costumes... and technique which makes me wince. It is very popular for some odd reason, and the kids seem to enjoy it, but it does appear to be an obsessive hobby for the parents rather than the children involved.

Yes!!! Absolutely that style!
i witnessed some shocking behaviour, very unsportsmanlike

Those kids spend years and years being trained in a style and technique which will actively prevent them from being accepted into full-time dance training at vocational college when they leave school and want to become West End stars. It ain't gonna happen. The only career option open to them is to go back to the school they themselves trained at, and teach the next generation. Ad infinitum.

My parents paid a lot for me to play tennis as a young person. I stopped at 18 and had no interest until I hit 40 and then my passion for playing returned and now I play several times a week. I'm very glad to have had that foundation that has made it possible for me to be able to walk into a club, meet new people and play competitively after so long. So you never know what will happen as they grow older.

The one that seems to involve running round in circles, every so often throwing out a leg randomly, jumping in the air every so often or rolling on the floor?

where the “slow” competition seems exactly the same speed as all the other dances?

yeah, that was very popular in our area. Had a lot of friends kids do it. Never got it myself.

Yeah, lots of high kicks, turned-in splits, somersaults, all that.

I swam at county level as a teenager. I've never stopped swimming - I'm in my 50s now. I don't compete / have since I was about 16, and my swimming is more outdoors than in these days, but swimming is ingrained in my psyche.

I'm not sure DC wanting something means that parents have to facilitate or support it. Especially where family finances, holidays and support and experiences of other siblings is at stake.

Children and young people don't necessarily make decisions in their own best interests - they require the adults around them to weigh up all the variables etc.

In many sports, particularly as the commitment ramps up and the stakes get higher, the adults seem to lose their heads a bit. Often the coaches/trainers/clubs have a narrow focus and specific goal that may not (usually doesn't) include ensuring the child/young person's welfare is paramount. Parents get swept along and take advice from partisan and invested people who see their own profile potentially improving on the back of the sacrifices that child and their families are making.

No jealousy here. I have always said I'd like my DC to have a go at lots of things, and find something they enjoy and are good at, to give them self esteem and good experiences while staying fit and active. I do not want and would not seek to be involved in anything at a serious level as I do not want that level of pressure, stress, cost or sacrifice for my family or their childhoods.

I know quite a few families who have made quite drastic decisions over schooling (done fewer GCSEs or part time timetables etc), and very impactful decisions on family holidays (siblings don't get to go away because the team tour in Europe needs paying for and a parent uses all their leave to accompany) etc etc for children who have given up the sport as soon as they've gone to uni or adolescence takes hold. Not at all sure that missing sleepovers, school, holidays, parties, school trips, never having a lie in or a lazy weekend or being able to eat what you fancy would ever be worth it really.

Many of the benefits can be realised at much lower levels - team work, leadership, perseverance, goal setting, commitment, managing disappointment and celebrating success etc - all available to those involved in community and grass roots sports.

My son swam with a club and swam for the county. Swimming is a brutal sport, with early morning swims and hours of training every day. He now swims masters events and has some national records.

I coached a boy in swimming many years ago now. He wasn't even the best in the group. 2 other kids were faster than he was. He carried on when the others dropped out at 15-16 years. He went on to win an Olympic medal. His parents remortgaged their home to help him to achieve his dream. There were many swim competitions in different countries, swim camps in European countries and he had to live in close proximity to his coach. I have often wondered if the 2 kids who were better than him would have won Olympic medals too if they had continued. They still swim and now coach swimming.

I also grew up with an Olympian (Gold) and World Record Holder. When I knew him he was talented but never thought he stood a real chance. Don't try - you've no chance of winning.

It stuck with me what Scott Brash (the showjumper) said after winning Olympic Gold at the last Olympics: "People will always tell you that your dreams are impossible..." and that's so true - people always tell you only 0.001% (or whatever impossible odds) of athletes "make it", but SOME DO MAKE IT.

We personally know the current Arsenal star who made the Premier League at 15 (he went to my daughter's school, was just a normal kid and participated in sports day like everyone else 😃).

Showjumping is my daughter's sport and she's good friends with one of the reigning junior European Champions. Again, just an ordinary very hardworking (and lovely) kid from a nice normal family.

I wouldn't let statistics discourage them from continuing.