If your child played high level sport and didn’t ’make it’

[Remaker]

Did they carry on playing as an adult? And would you do it all again?

My question was prompted by a friend who has turned into a ‘dance mom’. Driving all over the countryside for dance competitions, custom made leotards and Facebook posts that resemble academy award acceptance speeches. I’ve seen several friends go down this path before, spend thousands, devoted every weekend to dance competitions and the child hits 18 and never dances outside a nightclub again.

One of my cousins has two boys who’ve pursued football at representative level, again thousands spent on coaching and weekends driving hundreds of km. Both gave up football altogether by 20.

Meanwhile other friends’ kids who played in a local club team are still playing their sports now, well into their 20s.

So if you had a very talented/dedicated child who didn’t make it as a professional, do they still play? And would you do it all again or discourage them from being so driven?

The bottom paragraph has nailed it. Actually your last two paragraphs have nailed it.

There’s also what you define as “made it”.

some of dc’s old friends have gone to the olympics or nearly made the olympics. Their lives are full of stress, it’s a constant threat of having your funding removed on a whim, one bad performance away from it ending, living on a frankly crappy grant, home schooling, being told you can’t attend university because you have to train full time, knowing all it takes is a new shiny youngster and you’re out, even if you outperform them. Then you’re left with nothing. No career, no education, no money.

they pulled Eilish McColgan’s funding ffs.

others have chosen to give up team GB (as you can’t train abroad) and accept American uni scholarships. They’re on a lot of money, getting a degree, have huge support systems they don’t get in the uk. They end up leaving the sport with an education, no student debt, and the hugely valuable life experience of 4 years abroad. If they get injured they can medically retire and still keep their scholarships and finish uni.

i know which one i think is the better option.

The families I've known to take things to extremes - national level competitions and non negotiable training and competition schedules where nothing can be missed for everyday experiences like sleepovers and parties, always seem a bit mad to me.

You need to remember some children will WANT to do all of that.
dc1 has always been extremely competitive. He WANTED to do all the trainings, the days away etc…. And yes it would have come before sleep overs. Even as a teen. He was the one driving it all.

Sorry you felt like that.
my dd is also a swimmer and swimming at the national level, but she is the one that always wants to go training (yep sometimes 5am wake ups, but she mostly does evening training). It’s a hard slog for her and us (6 training sessions a week), but we wouldn’t do it if she didn’t want to and don’t push it. It’s driven from her. It’s such a hard sport. She’s nearly 15, and about 2 years ago she talked about olympics, then downgraded to common wealth and now it’s maybe a scholarship for a uni (achievable I think based on her current times). So she has made her hopes more realistic which is great.
regardless, her body is so strong. She has a swimmers body. I have friends (mid 40’s) who ran competitively when we were teens but gave up at 18, but although they don’t train now they still have a runners physic. So if my dc never swims properly as an adult I still think she’s given her body such a good start in life in terms of fitness and muscles.
the masters swimmers is also on the rise so maybe she’ll take that up.

That’s a good point about dance. My DD did dancing and really enjoyed it, she did 3-4 classes a week at one point. But we deliberately chose a more relaxed dance school where they had an end of year concert and performed a couple of times at local festivals, did one or two competitions a year and that was it. No solo competing, all groups. And what I noticed was there were a lot of young adults still attending which was different to the other ‘higher level’ dance schools that were exclusively kids and teens and were all about solos and private lessons and everyone left after they finished school. So she had the fun, the exercise and flexibility, mentoring from older girls but without the toxicity. And she was playing sport at the same time.

I have a friend that is a dance mum, her daughter is very good. But from her socials you wouldn't even realise she has two other children. There is only enough room and time for one shining star in the family. I do wonder what all the relationships in the family are going to be like when they are all adults and the dancing is done.

There seems to be an undercurrent of jealousy in your post. I would say of course parents would support their children pursuing their passion; why wouldn’t you?

Why wouldn’t you?

The cost can be very high. Some families I know (dance) have moved region/country multiple times, removed their DC from schools they were happy at (not just the dancer) to enable these moves, and given up a lot financially to fund training and competitions and intensives abroad. It does seem to split families into mum plus dancer (off to another international event) and all the rest (at home, earning / saving money). The cost is eye watering.

It puts huge pressure on the dancing DC, and each rejection or successful place but without the needed funding, is a huge blow.

For their siblings, there’s also a cost of disrupted education and friendships, not to mention opportunities not available because their parents’ money and time goes mainly into dance.

I've worked with a few happy secondary school PE teachers who did the sports scholarship to the US thing.

As I said up the thread, I wouldn’t. The price is too high for other family members, and I don’t just mean siblings. I certainly don’t want to get up at 4 am several times a week to facilitate training or sacrifice my weekends for the sake of a sport. I just don’t think it’s important.

I have a sibling who was pushed so hard in their sport that the pressure became too much and aged 16ish, they rebelled, took up smoking and drinking, stopped competing and has suffered injuries the rest of their life.
if the child is enjoying it, great, but if they aren’t,
parents need to respond to that too

My niece competed at a very high level in her sport - up to national. She suffered a knee injury which meant she had to give up, and the psychological effect of that has had a huge impact on her.

She basically gave up her teen years to the sport and seems to be now trying to make up for that. She has never settled to a career or relationship, still parties hard in her 30s...I don't know, it may not be connected but I certainly think it has had some bearing on her future life. I don't know if she would do it again if she could turn back the clock.

There are all kinds of reasons why a parent might not want their child to pursue particular avenues including:
Costs.
Lack of time.
Practicalities.
Not wanting to prioritise one child over others.
Concern about the child's well being - dance, sport etc can be very toxic environments.

I think it depends if they are involved and driven because it's what they enjoy or if it's being forced on them. I'm Australian and my youngest son is a very good AFL player...will he go all the way I don't know....but at the moment it's what he wants so I will do all I can to facilitate it for him. We are lucky though it's something we all love and are involved in.

My eldest also loved playing (was always just for fun) but has decided not to continue as he can't afford an injury affecting his work. He is now involved by helping coach his brothers team.

I’ll be quite honest — I wouldn’t support my child at elite level. Fundamentally I don’t think their achievement in a sport is worth the sacrifice of my time, or that of the rest of the family.

I agree with you, a friend has a dc aiming for this and she has to give up so much of her life to facilitate it.

I loved sport and dance as a dc & did competitions and tournaments but it was always low level & I still do lots of sport now. I am doing the same for my dc.

What op says is true. Fact. It happens a lot. Many many MN'ers themselves have posted their experiences, I've read many.

That's why going into it with your eyes wide open is so important. (Not a problem for me because both boys still enjoy playing football but were never good enough to face these top difficult decisions).

It is actually a shame when you think about it. It's a risk and you must go into it knowingly. Most of us would do it, if our child was good enough.

But when you read all the stories, which I've read many. The effort, the hours spent, taking them to swimming, diving, dance, tennis, football.

3 people we know were very badly damaged by later dismissal, because it's ruthless. One no longer plays. One it crushed and the boy is a shadow of himself. One tried to commit suicide.

Plus 3 of Dh's friends are ex professional football players. We all know what goes on, most of it sordid and unethical.

2 of ds2's friends are currently competing at national level, going to the Olympics I think, but both are very grounded, parents aware.

I have anger issues towards some of the systems, football in particular. It's fucking cutthroat and you must go into it knowing that.

If your child is good enough, go for it! But go in knowingly. Or else later you might just wish you hadn't, and that they'd just trotted along playing for the local team, county level, so that the love never dies and they carry on playing into their 30's and beyond.

Which was OP's point / question, which is a valid one.

I completely and utterly disagree with @Masmavi, I see no jealousy at ALL. Where's the jealousy? 🙄

Sometimes parents might send their kid to some activity to keep them occupied and unexpectely end up with a dc who has a huge talent for it. When I took my dd to ballet classes at 3 for a bit of fun and to tire her out one afternoon a week I had no idea at all that she would take to it like a duck to water and end up training professionally at one of the top vocational ballet schools in the country. It certainly hadn't been my intention!!

You do get other parents who push and push and push their kids into sports, playing an instrument, swimming, dance comps etc and hothouse them continuously in the hope and expectation that they will make a career out of it.

Nearly all children who participate in extra-curricular activities will not have the facility, the desire or the raw talent to turn it into a career. They are doing it because they enjoy it, and that's the way it should be - it isn't on-the-job training, and it shouldn't take over family life and finances to the exclusion of all else.

I have one competitive child with a sibling who may or may not do the same sport. I fully expect her to stop at 18 like most of the older kids do.
I don’t mind, it gives her so much in terms of learning focus, resilience, learning to lose well and also a great relationship with her teammates which is nice as it’s not all about school then.

Incidentally, as a doctor I often get our junior doctors telling me how they competed to a really high levels then gave it all up at 18 when they started uni. It seems to be the usual way.

See this is part of the problem with sport.

i saw it a lot with the gymnastics abuse thing a few years back. They called out the toxicity and abuse in the sport, yet so many people dismissed it as “jealousy”, because they weren’t good enough, or they weren’t tough enough. So many hold the opinion that those that do get to the Olympics are just tougher and can take the “tough” coaching, which is necessary to make it to that level.

the reality is very different. It’s a common technique in abusive coaching to treat some kids really well, and bully others. If you choose one kid to fund while another’s parents can’t afford it, then it’s not talent that determines success.

as for why someone wouldn’t support a child pursuing their passion- well following on from the above it can destroy their mental and physical health. Eating disorders, depression, career and life changing injuries. That’s apart from it costing £££££ in both money and time. Often at the expense of school and friends.

Not myself, but a close relative was a typical vapid dance mum.
had 2 daughters, youngest was the dancer, admittedly very good, national champion level. the eldest was invisible, made even more sad as she was hugely overweight.
what started as a fun hobby very quickly spiralled into a group filled with jealousy, unhealthy completion, huge debt from the daft costumes, more debt from private lessons and weekend festivals, I’ve never seen anything like it.
the mothers were more into the whole scene than most of the children
in turn the young dancer grew up to be a particularly nasty adult, entitled and bitter towards anyone who threatened her in dance, then in looks, in outfits, in life in general,
and no, she never ended up on the stage, despite the talent.
im sure this is not the case for all dance mums….but it was the most toxic environment I have ever seen

@Masmavi jeslousy? My question was about families who poured money and time into kids’ sport in pursuit of glory and it didn’t come off. Why would I be jealous?

As I’ve mentioned my kids play a lot of sport. My DS has a room full of trophies and medals. His team is sitting at the top of the table in an elite schoolboy competition. Nobody who watched DH and clapping and cheering on the sideline this morning would accuse us of ‘not supporting him’. But he plays for team success not in the hope of being selected for a rep team. He has a couple of teammates who are really very good but they aren’t aiming for a professional career in football. Their parents are realistic, it isn’t going to happen. Enjoy playing with your mates but focus on your studies too because that’s your future.

Ours were into martial arts, these days they coach.

Btw of course I have no problem with children competing at a high level, like lemon, whose child was just meant to be,

all I'm saying is that we all at least recognise that for many it's unfortunately not that simple, sometimes because of pushy parents, or the cutthroat nature of the industry, so psychological damage done when non success.

I'm just saying that more awareness is needed, going into it all.

Interestingly I think this links to the thread about should your parents have steered you to a career which earns a lot.

A close friend danced at a high level- went to dance show, was in the chorus of quite a few west end shows, backing dancer on big tours etc. All great until now when we are late 30s, her bad hip means she can’t dance any more and she hasn’t managed to save anything and isn’t qualified for much.

My nephew swims competitively but it’s with the view of getting a college scholarship rather than the Olympics and he would be miserable if you told him he couldn’t swim.

My own son plays football- in two different teams. He’s better than average but no where near the level to do it as a job. He enjoys it and I think it’s good he’s active. I only have one child so no one is missing out. I think sports teaches kids a lot but it can’t be the only focus in life.