If your child played high level sport and didn’t ’make it’

[Remaker]

Did they carry on playing as an adult? And would you do it all again?

My question was prompted by a friend who has turned into a ‘dance mom’. Driving all over the countryside for dance competitions, custom made leotards and Facebook posts that resemble academy award acceptance speeches. I’ve seen several friends go down this path before, spend thousands, devoted every weekend to dance competitions and the child hits 18 and never dances outside a nightclub again.

One of my cousins has two boys who’ve pursued football at representative level, again thousands spent on coaching and weekends driving hundreds of km. Both gave up football altogether by 20.

Meanwhile other friends’ kids who played in a local club team are still playing their sports now, well into their 20s.

So if you had a very talented/dedicated child who didn’t make it as a professional, do they still play? And would you do it all again or discourage them from being so driven?

I'm in this situation twice over. I have a DD who went to full time dance school and a DS who was on the talent pathway of his sports' national governing body. They were both good but not good enough to become professional. They are both still very involved in their activities. My DD runs her own dance school and my DS plays his sport at University and will almost certainly continue to play, and probably coach, with a local team when he graduates.
We have no regrets. They've both got a lot out of their pursuits and we've all enjoyed it most of the time.
But I do know lots of young people in the situation you describe OP. I have seen it many times over, both in peers of my DC and in the (different) sport that I coach. I think dance is a bit different to sport in that it is much harder to dance at a high but recreational level as an adult than it is to find good sports clubs, especially outside London and a few other major cities, so some of the young people who have danced at a good level through their teens may not be "burned out" or anything, but just unable to find an outlet for their interest as adults. If you've been to vocational school you're unlikely to find a typical village hall adult ballet class particularly stimulating so may just decide to give up. Someone who has been a good teenage athlete stands a much higher chance of finding a decent and accessible club to join as an adult which will still stretch them and give them enjoyment. And some people just want to try something else, having spent a great deal of time in one activity.
That said, high level training in dance, music, sport etc can be very toxic and I would always urge caution. I have seen a lot of damaged young people, particularly in ballet but also in sports. I may just have been lucky that my DC both came out of their childhoods unscathedappy, healthy and still with the passion for their "thing" intact, but I llike to think DH and I helped a bit. I would say that the most important things are realism and enjoying the journey for it's own sake, rather than focusing solely on reaching a goal that for most is likely to be unattainable. Obviously nothing that you have to work hard at is fun all the time and there will be rough patches but if the "thing" becomes persistently hard work and not pleasurable then it is time to walk away. And the young person needs to know that that's OK.
Going along with that, we didn't make any crazy sacrifices. Don't get me wrong, we spent a lot of money and many, many hours on the road, but we didn't get into debt, sell the house or anything. OK, we were fortunate enough to be able to afford most of what our DC wanted to do and I appreciate not everyone is that lucky, but I think it places a huge amount of pressure on the DC if they see that their parents/siblings are going without a lot in order to support them. My DD has a friend whose parents sold their house to fund her dance training. She wanted to give up long before she did but felt she couldn't because of the amount of sacrifices her parents had made. I didn't want my DC to ever be in a position like that. We tried very hard to be supportive but not over invested and to ensure that the DC were doing it because they enjoyed it in the present, not suffering in the hope of some fairytale ending in the future. We looked at success in terms of enjoyment and transferable skills gained rather than purely achievement. It is easy to get over focused on winning rather than the activity itself.
We also made sure that they had plans B,C, D and beyond and didn't feel there was only one acceptable and successful outcome. I think a lot of talented young people begin to judge their self worth only in terms of success in their field. When they reach their limit the rug is really pulled out from under them and it can leave them feeling very bitter about what they have invested "for nothing". Unfortunately a lot of schemes are pretty brutal too and there is little or no support for youngsters who are deemed surplus to requirements at some point, though this is improving in some sports at least. It's not surprising that if you've been badly treated in a particular environment you want to escape it.
It's a tricky path to walk. If you have a child with a talent it's natural to want to nurture it and to give them the opportunities they need to reach their potential, but I think you need to be realistic and try to ensure that what started as fun doesn't become a burden or their entire identity.

And if you’re a 2-parent family with more than one child with an elite training schedule, then all bets are off again.

I’ll be quite honest — I wouldn’t support my child at elite level. Fundamentally I don’t think their achievement in a sport is worth the sacrifice of my time, or that of the rest of the family.

I represented my country in an equestrian sport when young. I've ridden and competed all my life and still do. My mother was a keen rider who always had several horses, father had no interest.

My daughter was a high level gymnast and was selected for the GB squad when she was 12. Around the same time she began to hate the sport, she had a vile coach who was verbally and mentally abusive. She struggled on for another couple of years but eventually quit completely.

She was offered the chance to just reduce the number of training hours and train at a lower level (from 30 down to around 16) but she didn't see this as an option at the time.

For the following couple of years she was adamant she hated the sport and was glad she left, only now does she say that wasn't the case and she wish she'd been able to stay. Sadly the coach had made that non-viable.

I'm so conflicted as to whether I'd do it again. Overall I think not given the level of abuse still so prevalent in the sport and the lack of accountability & intervention by its governing body. Although perhaps at a lower level it would have been more fun? She (and I) made lifelong friends being part of the sport, but we also met some of the worst people you could imagine.

Overall though despite how much I love to look back at her achievements, if I was being honest I'd probably have to say her life would have been better without it.

my two remained very sporty in general.
however the idea of sticking in a high level competitive sport was to keep them busy through the teen years, associating with sports committed friends and families. Basically to steer clear of drugs alcohol and “hanging around”.

Yes I'd do the same again. The intensive sports life gave them many trips away including abroad, large friendship groups, healthy exercise and they maintain a level of fitness to this day.
They didn't make it to the very top but no issue.

My DS played a sport at a fairly high level as a teen, a couple of the lads he played with / against at that level are now starting to make 1st team professional appearances. He got a repeated injury at 15-16 that stopped him playing professionally, he tried to go back into the amateur game but got injured again. Now he’s working full time he can’t afford to keep getting injured. He does desperately miss playing though and still has a good bunch of friends that he made via the sport so we have no regrets that way. We’ll obviously never know if he would have made it (it’s a sport that has a much bigger chance then others) and even harder to say whether the injury would have happened if he didn’t play at that level (I would guess so). No regrets though.

Edited to add - he wasn’t academic and struggled massively at school, so sport was his outlet and I believe the school would have washed their hands of him earlier (SEND needs) had they have not wanted him on their very competitive sports teams. Absolutely don’t agree with this outlook!

In today’s society, the sad reality is that for many teens who don’t have some kind of big time absorbing passion, the alternative isn’t becoming a well-rounded individual with myriad hobbies, it’s more likely to be 1000s of hours swiping away on TikTok and other addicting and age inappropriate social media.

Not me personally, but I know several people who previously played sports to a very high level (national team, Olympics or near that level). I've met them all coincidentally through work in a totally unrelated field. They have all been sporty and physically active as adults, whether or not they are still engaged with the sport they were training in; and were doing well professionally on their chosen career and generally living happy lives.

I think some things to keep in mind are that, unless you are in a very high paid/high profile sport (football, tennis etc), sporting careers are generally quite short and don't really lead to wealth and fame. So even if someone makes it right to the top, they still need to have a plan for what to do with their life after they retire.

Also injury and health. The person I know of who has had the most significant difficulties suffered a very severe injury during training - life threatening as well as career ending - in their early 20s. They have a good career and are doing fine now I think ,(not really in touch since uni), but that was a very difficult time for them and a very brutal end to their sporting ambitions.

I think a lot of what they do in the future depends on how upset they are when they realise they won’t be professional.

I had a friend who was a very talented footballer, and his father had also been a professional footballer. My friend played at a very high level, and him and his Dad were quite jokingly scathing about low level grass roots football, laughing at the crapness of “Sunday league”. Sadly my friend suffered an injury that didn’t stop him playing, but meant that he’d never play professionally. He could easily have joined a Sunday league team, but he was so upset at his dream being shattered, he just gave up football completely.

But I know someone else who was very pragmatic about his chances of making it as a professional, and when it became apparent he wasn’t good enough, he went to university instead, but still plays amateur football for fun.

I used to play a lot of badminton as a child. I don't play it now because a) I found another sport I prefer, b) it's boring to play with people who haven't played it much because it's too easy to win. Not fun for either of us, and c) I find my own awareness that my ability has declined with age rather depressing. I don't regret playing it as a teenager though.

My son still plays and coaches in his sport (early twenties). Admittedly he didn’t get to national level but he did represent the county.

Sometimes I think the parents find it harder than the child when they give the sport, as their way of life has come to an end. The child may go off to uni etc, but the life the parents have invested in for so many years is no longer there.

My dd played sport at National level, realised at about 16 that she was good but not Olympic level, a few of her friends have competed at the olympics. She stopped competing at 19. She missed excerise so started running, then took up kayaking and hiking. Now she has joined a local athletics club and is leading to ski as well. So I don't regret any time spent on her sport as she has made lots of friends and still has lots of fun competing and finding new sports that interest her

I was that child (swimming). I hated it. I had to go to training every day after school, while all my peers (I didn't have friends because I had no free time, and swimming is a competitive individual sport, so no friendships there) would meet up, go out, and just live their lives. I even had to sometimes get up at 5 am three days per week because we had additional training before school. I was always tired, always stressed, always missing school because of competitions. Always running around begging teachers to let me repeat some test or something. I was very, very good at swimming, won competitions even on international level, and all I wanted was to just be normal, maybe try a different hobby, play with my dog and have friends. I quit the moment I knew I could. I haven't even stepped into a swimming pool since then, the smell makes me want to puke.
My parents were so proud of having raised a champion, they just couldn't accept that I wasn't enjoying it. They thought they were doing me a favour by pushing me to make to most out of my "talent".

I know quite a few “dance moms” who have lived and breathed dance from toddler hood…I don’t think many of them really thought their offspring would end up on the west end stage but just rather enjoyed the friendships/travelling about to competitions.
A handful went on to stage school and a couple do actually dance in the west end in supporting roles but the rest of them saw it as a childhood hobby that came to it’s natural end.
I guess elite sports might be different - one friend has a young adult offspring who’s a very good runner and they travel to watch him but he doesn’t appear to be breaking any records. I do wonder if those people feel like giving up if they’re not actually winning/getting on the podium at races.

One of mine was one of the best in GB at junior level.

however the politics in sport and the lack of support, the negativity, the measuring up against others constantly, the being left out of teams when they’d beaten everyone on it, destroyed their mental health.

i am glad they’re out of that manipulative world. I see people they were better than succeeding because for some reason they were chosen to receive funding and given the best coaching and mentoring. A lot of it is who you know. A lot of it is based on “sports science” and testing- if you aren’t deemed to have the vo2, body type or whatever the measure is you won’t be selected, even if you’re winning.

they are at uni now and not involved in the sport at all. They keep fit in the gym but that’s it.

My daughter is in the middle - she loves dance but only does around 6 hours of classes a week as she’s autistic and needs down time and plenty of time for homework too. At some point she’s going to figure out that she’s not destined for a career in dance but at 12, I’m happy she has a passion that keeps her active and fit. I can see the alternative all around me. I never had something like dance is for her so had all too much time to get bored and then get into trouble so I’m delighted.

@Remaker The sort of dance you describe in your OP, with the thousands spent, constant competitions, the custom-made costumes, the terrifying social media Dance Moms and all that... well basically it isn't the style of dance you can make a career of. There is no requirement for it. You don't see it in the theatre or music videos, or in musicals, ballets or in contemporary dance performances. That's why they tend to get to 18 and then stop. There's nowhere to take that particular skill.

My dd did a different dance style, trained professionally and then got a career-changing injury. So she made it, and then had it taken away from her. She dances as an adult and still takes part in performances, but as an amateur, not at professional level. Just as well really. A career in dance is extremely demanding, both physically and mentally. It's not all it's cracked up to be.

My friend's son swam competitively for years as a child, but pretty much stopped all that when he left school.

Fair enough about siblings. My son happens not to have them but I think that’s a reasonable question.

I’m not sure about everything in moderation - how would we ever get any elite athletes? Oi young Roger Federer/David Beckham/Selena Williams - let’s not try too hard, yeah? Let’s just stay bang average.

The way I see it is, yes, of course most won’t make it, but someone has to. And there are deluded parents and there are realistic parents. But sometimes I find that British ‘let’s not be seen to try too hard, it’s embarrassing’ can be a little self-defeating.

I agree what you’re saying about someone having to make it, but I guess it’s weighing up the pros and cons and considering whether the sacrifices are worth it and when it’s time for a reality check.

I know of a couple where the dad seemed to live his desire to be a professional footballer, through his son (don’t get me wrong I can understand why that’s the dream) and they would sign him up for two/three teams and he’d play most nights and travel to different areas on a weekend. They had 4 kids in total and the younger one would palmed off with grandparents and such was their dedication to the sport that their lives revolved around it.

Worst thing is, despite their dedication, he never even got in to the academy of their local club (division 2/3) and they used to take on quite a lot of lads so it was pretty evident to assume he was never ever going to make a living from it. They would argue it wasn’t a waste but I do feel bad for their other kids.

Yeah I certainly see that. It wasn’t my decision to just have one child but I do see smaller siblings bumbling around a pitch killing time and I wonder how that feels. We check in regularly with our child that he’s happy to do as much as he does, but he genuinely looks as though his sports ground is his happy place. And dh and I find the parent and child dynamics endlessly fascinating which helps!😁

I didn’t say it was a problem, you’ve implied that because I asked a question. I said it stands out when someone devoted themselves to a sport throughout their childhood and then stops playing altogether as an adult even when there are competitions available that would still be challenging for them.

I don’t think it stands out, particularly. People grow out of things. Or that particular sport, for them, was a ferociously dedicated space of work and effort, and the idea of continuing it for fun, or at a more casual level, doesn’t appeal.

My sons sporting ambition was ended by injury. He isn't quite proper adult yet so only time will tell if he still does the sport as an adult. However he took a year break and is doing it for fun now.

For me it was worth it as he enjoyed it in the moment. Tomorrow is never guaranteed for any if us so we have to make the most of now and he did.

he also learned so much about talking to adults, time management, team work etc that it will help him whatever happens next.

This is an issue.

My DC's are all busy by design. Not specialising in one sport to an elite level at all but taking part in a few sports and clubs through the week. Most weekends some of bit all of them have a competition, match or tournament.

I try to keep it balanced and have plenty of family experiences and not elevate a particular match or comp above important things like sleepovers and family events. But I am really glad that they have something on and somewhere to be many evenings and most weekends. Their peers who don't participate in structured stuff like this are mostly on their phones.

The families I've known to take things to extremes - national level competitions and non negotiable training and competition schedules where nothing can be missed for everyday experiences like sleepovers and parties, always seem a bit mad to me. The kids do well but even then aren't going to make a career out of it. The parents often seem very very invested to the point that you wonder who is really wanting this level of involvement. And in each family there are siblings who don't get that 1:1 time or trips away etc.

Football seems to be full of very delusional dads. Even at grassroots level lots of kids are training with more than one team, or attending pre academy sessions. Or 1:1 skills sessions etc.