Partner taking a permanent night job

[Clairelh87]

As title says this is what my partner is wanting to do.
it’s causing massive arguments.
to the point we where shouting at each other today.
he has accepted at permanent night job working 7pm till 7am 5 nights in 3 off.
so if you start on a Monday night the next week will start on a Tuesday then a Wednesday and work your 5 nights.
i also work Monday to Friday full time between 8am and 6pm.
we also have a just 1 year old.
who has just started full time nursery.
now I can’t see this working. I think it’s unfair that he will be working nights coming home and sleeping all day and I work all day then have the baby all evening/night.
he said he will get home and sleep about 8am and wake up about 5.
he said he won’t be eating with us because it will be his breakfast time when it’s tea time etc.
he said he will go back to normal on his 3 days of and not sleep in the day and will come to bed as normal. Is that even possible?
he said at weekends when he’s working he will stay at his nans so he can sleep and the kids don’t wake him up.
am I being unfair how everything will fall on me even tho I’m working full time myself?
I don’t want to go to bed most nights on my own. At the moment we don’t have the closest of relationships as it is now he’s not even going to be here at night time.
it’s only a min wage job as well so it’s not even good money. Just being a ship hand.
he won’t listen he’s taking this job and I’ve even said it will split us up and he’s not even interested. He’s taking this job.
i don’t want to feel like a single parent.
a single parent that has a full time job and even at weekends will be on her own.
i am honestly thinking about ending the relationship because I don’t really get what I want out of it now never mind when he starts this job.
does anyone have a partner that works nights and can give me advice?

My DH used to work nights when he was in the police. It was a rotating shift and I worked long days so we never saw each other for those night shifts. I hated it.

I don’t know what to suggest as your partner doesn’t seem willing to budge at all. Sounds horrendous for you thought and I would hate it too.

I feel the word "partner" is doing a lot of heavy lifting there. He certainly doesn't seem interested in being in a partnership.

Neither me or DP would ever make a big decision like a job change without actually discussing it with each other first.

He has it all planned out, hasn't he - staying at his nans indeed !
So when will he be doing any parenting ?

It’s really out of order that he’s accepted this without taking any account of how you feel about it. You are supposed to be a partnership. It’s going to seriously affect family life. Permanent night shifts are really not ideal when you have kids.
And it’s unrealistic to think he’ll just adjust to normal hours on his days off. On the first day he’ll still have to sleep after the last night shift and on the last day off he really should try to go to bed early to prepare for being back on.
The only thing that you could possibly discuss is does he really need to sleep from 8am till 5pm? That’s nine hours, which is a bit more than the usual 8 hours that most adults need. He should be getting up at 4 at the latest, collecting his son from nursery earlier than 6 and making dinner for you both at least. Then he can have even just a light tea with you both before going to work.
Im not sure he’s leaving much if any room for discussion though and that he would prefer to check out of parenting and family life. Not sure I could live with that.

My dh did 4 days 7-7 (2 days , 2 nights) then 4 days off and it was awful! This was a well paying technical job but we had no family life. We were paying for childcare on days when he was at home then for 4 weeks in a row he was working weekends. He got a new job after a few months.

You should stay at his nans on your days off op.

does he currently have another job? If he is unemployed is he doing this out of desperation? Does it start at minimum wage but quickly provide other opportunities?

Likely the only way I would accept this is if it is the only full-time employment he has been able to secure. I would expect him to be looking for something else and to change jobs as soon as he can. This schedule will be hard on the family and brutal on his health. At minimum wage it brings no benefit as he could find that with any other job without the associated problems.

My hubby did nights but it didn't work out.i had a toddler and was pregnant. He went back to day shift

The way he thinks it’ll work, won’t be how it goes. I’ve done nights. Your sleeping pattern goes to shit, you can’t sleep when you need to, regardless of whether it’s your day on or off. You don’t automatically sleep 6/7 hours post night shift, it’s broken sleep. Your eating pattern is weird, it’s not breakfast in the evening etc, it’s absolute chaos unless you are completely regimented and almost maintain the same system on your off days.

It negatively impacts your health quite quickly; mental and physical.

You’re right, it’ll absolutely shaft you, and it’s not worth the money for a short term slog either. I’d be livid if my partner did this, it’s essentially rendering you a solo parent for most of the time.

You will actually have an easier life if you split up , at least on his weekends off he can have the children and you would get a break . The way he wants it you will be a single parent in all respects but with no breaks

Has he been out of work for a while? Make sure when he’s off at the weekend that you get some time to yourself and he can do parenting.

I know lots of people do shift work eg frontline services are 24 hours etc but he is choosing a job.

what time will he be home as he can take kid to nursery so you can get off to work. As he’s home, then he can get the dinner on for you and kid so it’s ready. Or he can collect kid from nursery.

it’s not just work, eat, sleep for him

It sounds like the nights are the least of your problems. Has he left a job to take this one? I and my husband have worked nights in the past but not permanent ( different shifts) which was difficult as we hardly saw each other however we managed as it meant we could look after the children without needing much child care. I have known people do permanent nights but usually they would stay up, take children to school etc then go to bed for a few hours. Most then got up so they could pick the children up. I agree that it sounds like you will be having to do everything. If he has never worked nights he might find it difficult to sleep 8 till 5. Is this his way of saying he wants to split up without actually saying it? Do you just have one child? Couples can make shifts work with give and take but it seems like your partner will be doing all the taking. Can you sit and talk without the child/children and discuss the pros and cons such as if child is ill will he forgo his sleep to care for them? What about family events, birthdays, weddings etc? Maybe he thinks nights will give him an easy life but it doesn’t necessarily work like that. I really hope you can come up with a compromise.

He's abdicating responsibility for his child and uncaring about the impact on you. He isn't prepared to discuss it.

I think his message to you is pretty clear, OP.

I would leave. There is no point in spending your life tied to a man who doesn't care about you. And it's not good for your DD to be around someone so much who should be thinking about her but doesn't.

My son did permanent nights for years. It was horrible, barely any social life and when he did go out he’d be arseholed quickly, looked like a zombie, eating pattern went to fuck.
And he had no partner. Much like you OP, this is him checking out.

He has a one year old - and thinks he’s entitled to NINE hours sleep?

If your 1YO is poorly and can’t go to childcare I assume he’ll be looking after them as he’s home? No point in you taking a day off if he’s already there.

So his plan is that he is going to see his child less than if separated and seeing EOW.
(and let’s be honest you too!)

Im assuming he has no plans to look after his dcs during the day on the 3 days he is off either. Children will still be at nursery right?

He is using you as a maid and to have sex when appropriate. Theres no partnership there at all. Even wo taking into account the fact he isn’t asking but telling you.

Im not going into the fact hell out the first day and will want some sleep in the pm on the last day.

I actually work 4 nights a week from 10-7pm, my dh works full time days 7.30-5pm we make it work, for childcare reasons. I get home get the kids ready and take them to school, walk the dog then get a few hours sleep, go back and pick youngest up after school. When dh gets home he makes the kids tea and I go back to bed for a few more hours. It's hard going but needs must.

Another one saying a big no here. One of my DC’s partners works nights. They really don’t have much of a relationship, rarely do anything socially together, sharing a bedroom is tough in different sleeping time zones (and they don’t have children). He’s also a zombie half the time.

So sorry this is happening… Hope you sort something out.

I worked nights when my children were younger, slightly different hours 10pm - 7am. It was so I could be around to take the children to school and fetch them, spend time with them in the afternoon but still bring in money. It's difficult to sleep during the day so your dp might need time to wind down before sleeping. That said, it sounds like your dp might be using his job as an excuse to duck out of responsibilities like looking after the children, cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc but you're supposed to magic the extra time and energy out of nowhere.

DH used to work similar shifts (6-6) and WE made it work for us.
For example I dropped off DC at school & child minder then worked until 4ish he did the pick up at 3/3.30 then made a tea for the DC. (Child minder did hourly rather than sessions) I usually pe cooked sauce , pie ect in the evening so he had to do some veg or pasta...
Holidays were hard on him as older DC couldn't go childminder so had am holiday club and needed picking up at lunchtime ect.
But it meant that we both could work and earn decent wages... now, 20 odd years down the line the mortgage is paid off and we only work 30 & 32 hours/ week. DC are late teens/ adult and life is currently lovely for us... but nope, I would not want to re visit them early years.

Another who feels the word "partner" is doing a lot of heavy lifting.

You don't need to make any decisions really, as he has already opted out of the relationship both with you and with your child.

I would tell him to leave and sort out the finances and when he is going to have the baby.

My husband did exactly this when our eldest was 1 year old. It was awful, and I, as you have mentioned, did absolutely feel like a single parent.

The nights absolutely wiped him out (and he was doing a 10 hour shift, not 12 hours as your partner will)

He came home from work and slept until it was pretty much time for him to go back in for his next shift, he was constantly exhausted, and the first day of his ‘weekend’ was a complete write off as he adjusted to being up during the day. It was awful. Needless to say he changed jobs pretty sharpish and now only works days.

Completely agree with everyone. He's not a partner.
I would end the relationship tbh.
It doesn't sound like he respects you or your family unit.
He's a fool because he's probably made things more difficult for himself in the long term.

My DH has just done this. With no argument or even discussion, it’s done. He is basically at home an hour or two a day, yes we are struggling financially but he’s also exiting family life with two older kids who need him.

I'm sorry OP but he doesn't care about you or your family - it's hard to see a way forward with this if there is no discussion to be had. He's treating you and your child very badly and doesn't give a shit.