Partner taking a permanent night job

[Clairelh87]

As title says this is what my partner is wanting to do.
it’s causing massive arguments.
to the point we where shouting at each other today.
he has accepted at permanent night job working 7pm till 7am 5 nights in 3 off.
so if you start on a Monday night the next week will start on a Tuesday then a Wednesday and work your 5 nights.
i also work Monday to Friday full time between 8am and 6pm.
we also have a just 1 year old.
who has just started full time nursery.
now I can’t see this working. I think it’s unfair that he will be working nights coming home and sleeping all day and I work all day then have the baby all evening/night.
he said he will get home and sleep about 8am and wake up about 5.
he said he won’t be eating with us because it will be his breakfast time when it’s tea time etc.
he said he will go back to normal on his 3 days of and not sleep in the day and will come to bed as normal. Is that even possible?
he said at weekends when he’s working he will stay at his nans so he can sleep and the kids don’t wake him up.
am I being unfair how everything will fall on me even tho I’m working full time myself?
I don’t want to go to bed most nights on my own. At the moment we don’t have the closest of relationships as it is now he’s not even going to be here at night time.
it’s only a min wage job as well so it’s not even good money. Just being a ship hand.
he won’t listen he’s taking this job and I’ve even said it will split us up and he’s not even interested. He’s taking this job.
i don’t want to feel like a single parent.
a single parent that has a full time job and even at weekends will be on her own.
i am honestly thinking about ending the relationship because I don’t really get what I want out of it now never mind when he starts this job.
does anyone have a partner that works nights and can give me advice?

Sounds like he's done it to get out of parenting.

What? You taken a permanent night shift role? AMAZING! So glad I'll never have to take a day off when (child name) is sick, because you'll always be home to take care of them!

Thanks girls!!!
I’ve not spoke to him for the rest of the day he’s really annoyed me.
he’s set on doing this job what ever I say or do.
apparently he has friends that do the job and it means he will get more time with the family!!
I can’t see how but apparently he will. More than a day job. He’s also sure he will flip back to normal hours when he’s off work. He thinks 5 12 hour shifts are going to be easy!!
every year he will progress to £1 more an hour.
i am so angry right now. I would understand if I wasn’t working but I work full time as well.
he honestly thinks in his head working 12 hour night shifts will be easier. And that his days of he will have more time with the family and will be able to go back to normal.
I actually got to the point in telling him just go.
at weekends when he’s working he’s going to go to his nans on a Saturday and Sunday so he can sleep so kids don’t wake him up because why should I also have to be quiet after I’ve done a week in work myself and weekends I get off

I'd kick him out. He can stay at his grants full time. Hopefully he'll have the kids once or twice a month which will give you some break at least.

With respect, OP, fuck what he thinks, what do you think?

That’s quite different though. You’re still involved in your dcs life. His plan means he won’t be there in the am But asleep. Not in the evening (I’m going to have breakfast not dinner!). Not there to put them in bed. And not there at the weekend (with a shorter night) either.

Saying you’re working nights is one thing.
But doing so whilst Akso planning to not be involved with the dc is another.

Who even has 9 hours sleep if he’s planning to sleep 8-5pm that’s a lot of sleep?

I think that’s the worst argument we have ever had.
apparently I’m so negative about it.
when I said to him on a Friday you will need to get up earlier and pick up from nursery at 3pm he was like if I have to.
so he states his routine will be…… get home from work half 7 straight to bed up between 4/5 have a shower breakfast & back to work. The same for the 5 nights.
he said he will flip straight back to normal days on his 3 off.
I can’t see that happening because 5 12 hour shifts is hard work.
and all that for min wage!!!
the turn over of staff looks high and it’s working outside.
my point is. Where is my time, family time? So I literally have to do everything on my own and work full time. Oh and weekends I don’t get to rest while he’s at his nans.
his response is tough that’s what families have to do. NO ITS NOT.
told him I don’t want to be living like that and he said if I leave it’s me that has to leave!!

well actually it's him leaving - as he is going to nan's every weekend !
as if !

Dh does 7-7, 4 days, 4 days off, 4 nights. He did work somewhere with only 3 days between shifts and it was not long enough to get his body clock used to the day, he was exhausted. With three days between 12 hour night shifts he is very unlikely to be of any use even if he hdoes stay awake.

Is it just a temporary thing until he finds something with better shifts?

Fuck it. Say nothing further. Nothing. Change the locks while he's planning to be at his nan's. Drop off a suitcase of his stuff while he's napping so you don't even have to have a confrontation.

This is a permanent job.
he said there’s progression it goes up £1 hour after a year and every year £1.
basically a Shiphand working on the docks.
he knows 2 people that work there and they said they see more of there family so he thinks it’s going to be brilliant.
like I said it’s 5 nights on 3 off 12 hours. Every week it moves a day so start on a Monday one week then a Tuesday a week.
he’s positive he will be able to go back to a normal routine and stay awake after his last shift and go out and do normal things straight away and on his last day of have a few hours sleep in the day. He thinks it’s going to be easy and more time with his child with having 3 days off. He keeps saying be easier than a day job because you have 3 days off.
HE JUST WILL NOT LISTEN!!

Truly, OP, this will save you a world of drudgery and drama.

My partner works 6pm - 6am 4 nights a week, 3 nights off. I work 8- 5pm. We have a two year old. It's tough but we just about make it work for us. I drop DC off at nursery for a half day, partner sleeps until 1pm and then does the nursery pick-up. He has a nap while DC sleeps, then a couple of hours looking after DC until I finish work and we swap. Neither of us work weekends so will still get that time, which is different to your situation. He does manage to switch his sleep pattern for the weekend, but is often tired. It is tough. A positive with this set up is we've saved on nursery fees as DC only does half days. Not sure if this could work in your situation though.

On another note, would not be happy if he accepted a job with these hours without discussing and us both being ok with the set first.

Hope you find a way to make it work for you!

What's your accommodation situation? Is it in both your names ?

My child has to go full time because I work full time. He said he won’t be able to have child because he will need to sleep for work. He said if he’s up in time he can pick him up.
on Saturday and Sundays he said he will sleep at his nans so he’s able to get sleep without me and child waking him up.
he said if he works Friday night he will go for his walk on Saturday with his group and then go to his nans and get some sleep before work and if Saturday is his last night shift Sunday morning he will go his nans and have a few hours because he will be tired from hardly any sleep on the Saturday.

without being selfish. What about me?? When do I get any time to myself. He said that’s tough and that’s just what family’s have to do.

the house is in both our names and if I want to end the relationship it would be my choice and I have to leave. ABSOLUTELY NOT

Minimum wage?!?!?? Has he lost his fucking mind? The ONLY reason people do nights, unless they’re medics, is for the usually inflated wage you get for the horror that is night work.

He is an utter, utter mug. And it makes me think he’s doing it to avoid family life. Twat.

This is ridiculous. He's not a partner. He doesn't give a shit clearly, he's checked out of parenting and not even discussed this massive change with you. And for minimum wage? Night shift workers usually get a premium for working nights due to compensate for how it fucks up your life and health.

Long term night shifts shorten your life apparently by about 10yrs I've read.

I worked 12hr night shifts on a short-term basis and you get fuck all sleep during the day, very much a broken couple of hours here, couple of hours there.

Nights really mess up your body. I'm glad I did it (it was for a project at work), but equally glad it was only short term (a matter of weeks).

I think you're right to consider ending the relationship based on his attitude. He is NOT a partner.

"the house is in both our names and if I want to end the relationship it would be my choice and I have to leave. ABSOLUTELY NOT"

Is this what he said? You have a child. What a shitty father to kick his child out of a house jointly owned with its mother! Will he be buying you out of the house? Bet he won't. If you choose to leave, he'll be expecting you to walk away and kiss goodbye to any equity from your joint home. What a dick this guy is.

For minimum wage ?
Even ASDA pays above that for day time hours ! not much just a few pence with more pennies in July and more pennies in October.

he is going to wait a whole year for one extra pound ?!!!

ASDA pays an extra £2.54 between midnight and 5am !

There is more to this than what he says.

If he finishes at 7 am, he could do the morning routine with the DC - get them up, drop them at nursery and then home to bed - I suppose. That would be a very reasonable expectation. and one of his one weekdays off he could clean the house.

But it's his attitude to that's shocking. He hasn't offered any of the above. He isn't prepared to listen to your concerns. He just wants to do what wants and you suck it all up. So even if you could find a way to make it work that you actually quite liked - that he does not care about you makes him unsuitable as a partner.

Seek legal advice about the house. You may be able to get an occupancy order, or at least understand what the options are. Whether your are married or not and renting, mortgaged or outright will probably have an impact on what the best options are.

I have similar questions to @Ponderingwindow- has he been out of work and is desperate to have a job, any job?

That's the only way that this decision would make sense to me, if he’s trying to get back into the workforce.

My DH worked nights when my four were small. He used to come in and stay up and help with breakfast, packed lunches, dressing the baby etc. Then he took the older ones to school. I worked part time so on my days off I then had the younger ones (we had 4 children in 6years). If I was at work, my mum came over. He would go to bed about 9 and sleep til about 3.30. He would then be up and around to help with dinner etc.
He would go off to work and I would do bedtime.
I actually got such a good routine at bedtime, I would find it really hard when he was off as he disrupted it and the kids would be more excitable having him there!

He has engineered a lifestyle that means he never has to do any parenting, or indeed any of the heavy lifting at home as he is semi moving out to his grandmother’s house (?!)

He does not care enough for any of you to reconsider. I would ask him to move out permanently to his nanas and end the relationship. You are single in all but name, he has checked out op. I am reslly sorry things have now come to a head, you deserve better 💐

I'm glad you know that you deserve better than this, you sound angry which is a good thing.
Can he afford the rent /mortgage by himself, who does he think is going to look after the baby when he is at work if you split ? Does he understand that he will have to pay you child maintenance due to his work pattern impacting on his ability to look after his child...
He doesn't sound like he has a proper plan at all.
I think he is calling your bluff which is stupid because he has got a lot to lose here.