Page 3 | Partner taking a permanent night job

Clairelh87 · 2025-06-04T13:00:17+00:00

As title says this is what my partner is wanting to do. it’s causing massive arguments. to the point we where shouting at each other today. he has accepted at permanent night job working 7pm till 7am 5 nights in 3 off. so if you start on a Monday night the next week will start on a Tuesday then a Wednesday and work your 5 nights. i also work Monday to Friday full time between 8am and 6pm. we also have a just 1 year old. who has just started full time nursery. now I can’t see this working. I think it’s unfair that he will be working nights coming home and sleeping all day and I work all day then have the baby all evening/night. he said he will get home and sleep about 8am and wake up about 5. he said he won’t be eating with us because it will be his breakfast time when it’s tea time etc. he said he will go back to normal on his 3 days of and not sleep in the day and will come to bed as normal. Is that even possible? he said at weekends when he’s working he will stay at his nans so he can sleep and the kids don’t wake him up. am I being unfair how everything will fall on me even tho I’m working full time myself? I don’t want to go to bed most nights on my own. At the moment we don’t have the closest of relationships as it is now he’s not even going to be here at night time. it’s only a min wage job as well so it’s not even good money. Just being a ship hand. he won’t listen he’s taking this job and I’ve even said it will split us up and he’s not even interested. He’s taking this job. i don’t want to feel like a single parent. a single parent that has a full time job and even at weekends will be on her own. i am honestly thinking about ending the relationship because I don’t really get what I want out of it now never mind when he starts this job. does anyone have a partner that works nights and can give me advice?

Codlingmoths · 05/06/2025 06:25

What a shit partner he is, and a shit dad. I’d just start planning the separation to be honest. and also clearly tell everyone he’s taken a night job and is sleeping at his grans so we don’t wake him and I’m basically a single mum now so I’m very unhappy about it. No hiding the truth and protecting him!

user1492757084 · 05/06/2025 06:28

Are you finiancially very stretched?
Does your husband have a goal?

Mark in family time, child duties for DH and date nights in black clear large letters on a calendar for you both to see.
It seems like if you take a breathe and work within the confines of the time frame you have a chance of making the most of the situation.
Separation will not be a picnic so it's worth trialing the new job.

Maybe agree to the new hours for two years and both aim to contribute the extra money in something very concrete, like buying an investment property..

Once the savings plan has been met reconsider the following two years.

IAmTheLogLady · 05/06/2025 06:51

user1492757084 · 05/06/2025 06:28

Are you finiancially very stretched?
Does your husband have a goal?

Mark in family time, child duties for DH and date nights in black clear large letters on a calendar for you both to see.
It seems like if you take a breathe and work within the confines of the time frame you have a chance of making the most of the situation.
Separation will not be a picnic so it's worth trialing the new job.

Maybe agree to the new hours for two years and both aim to contribute the extra money in something very concrete, like buying an investment property..

Once the savings plan has been met reconsider the following two years.

Edited

I don't think there is extra money. Its a minimum wage job.

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 05/06/2025 07:16

I work mon-fri and my husband works nights.
it works really well for us. We have a school age child and a 18 month old who’s in nursery. So he puts them to school/nursery, sleeps then collects. Only causes issues when they are ill/off but we work round it

welshmercury · 05/06/2025 07:40

As he says you have to leave the house then call his bluff and say ok and he will keep your kid as you can’t sofa surf with a kid.

he will absolutely not want to single parent.

DinoLil · 05/06/2025 07:41

When my DC started primary, I met a family where the mum had a 9 to 5 job and the dad worked nights. Apparently they'd started this when their DC were babies. The dad would get home about 7am, do the school/nursery run then sleep until pick up time at 3pm. They had that set up right through secondary too. They always seemed happy enough and I was close enough with the family that we went on holidays with all of our DC.

Original poster

Clairelh87 · 05/06/2025 07:42

I had another talk with him last night.
I must have miss understood he gets £50 a week extra night allowance.
he’s also agreed to take child nursery in the morning.
but he’s said he would definitely have to go his nans on a Saturday because he wouldn’t get in till 1pm after a night shift and has to be back in work that evening. The same on a Sunday because he wouldn’t be really tired.
i have also made it clear he needs to be getting up about 3pm and he can help with the cleaning up and tea.
he’s never worked a night shift before and thinks it will be easier working nights.
I’ve asked why he would want to do this he said it’s a career and a safe job with progression over the years. And is sure working nights you get more time with the family.
do you actually get more time with the family?

OP posts:

Original poster

Clairelh87 · 05/06/2025 07:44

DinoLil · 05/06/2025 07:41

When my DC started primary, I met a family where the mum had a 9 to 5 job and the dad worked nights. Apparently they'd started this when their DC were babies. The dad would get home about 7am, do the school/nursery run then sleep until pick up time at 3pm. They had that set up right through secondary too. They always seemed happy enough and I was close enough with the family that we went on holidays with all of our DC.

That’s exactly what he keeps saying to me will happen. He thinks we will be happy and it will work.
I made it clear of child is ill and can’t go to nursery he will have to stay up in the day so I can work etc.
I suppose I won’t know till he does it

OP posts:

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 05/06/2025 07:53

So he is now saying that Fri and Sat nights are not ' 7pm till 7am ' ? as he won't get in until ' 1pm ' as i fail to see how it will take him 6 hours to get home...

and ' £50 a week extra night allowance ' = £10 a night = not even £1 p.h. whereas ASDA would pay '£2.54 between midnight and 5am' = £12.70 a night thus £2.70 per night better off and on a few pence more per hour every hour...

still not making sense...

NoraLuka · 05/06/2025 07:53

I’m not sure about him being able to ‘go back to normal’ on his 3 days off. At the very least he’ll be exhausted for some of it. DP worked permanent nights for about 15 years and became basically nocturnal, even at weekends he’d stay up until about 6 AM then sleep during the day. Meals were at strange times with breakfast in the middle of the afternoon and tea at some point during the night. The doctor told him to go on day shifts in the end. I know some people manage to make it work even with children but it must be really difficult.

If he’s never done nights before he might not even like it and decide to stop after a while, but that doesn’t help with the fact he never discussed it with you.

Cleaningtroubles2 · 05/06/2025 07:57

Clairelh87 · 05/06/2025 07:42

I had another talk with him last night.
I must have miss understood he gets £50 a week extra night allowance.
he’s also agreed to take child nursery in the morning.
but he’s said he would definitely have to go his nans on a Saturday because he wouldn’t get in till 1pm after a night shift and has to be back in work that evening. The same on a Sunday because he wouldn’t be really tired.
i have also made it clear he needs to be getting up about 3pm and he can help with the cleaning up and tea.
he’s never worked a night shift before and thinks it will be easier working nights.
I’ve asked why he would want to do this he said it’s a career and a safe job with progression over the years. And is sure working nights you get more time with the family.
do you actually get more time with the family?

So he won’t even be living with you at the weekends! All of this disruption for an extra £50 a week doesn’t sound right either.

Has he met someone else op? Nothing stacks up.

Original poster

Clairelh87 · 05/06/2025 08:16

on a Saturday he always goes out for a walk and he wants to keep up with that.
that’s why he said he will go his nans so he’s able to get some sleep then go straight to work.
yeah it’s an extra £50 non taxable night allowance.
if I’m honest with you I can’t see him liking it not one bit. Working constantly outside in the cold all year round, right next to the sea as a labourer.
tbh I think he needs to do it to realise he doesn’t like it.
because trust me I won’t allow him to sleep on his days of especially if I am not working and I have the child of nursery.
also I won’t allow him to just not move out the house I still want to do family days out on days off.
also on his days off I still want him coming to bed when it’s bedtime. Not staying up like he’s in work.
I don’t mean to sound selfish but I don’t want a relationship with someone that I don’t see.
and if he’s going to be alway from home 5 nights a week every week he should do normal things on every day he’s off work

OP posts:

Cleaningtroubles2 · 05/06/2025 08:25

Clairelh87 · 05/06/2025 08:16

on a Saturday he always goes out for a walk and he wants to keep up with that.
that’s why he said he will go his nans so he’s able to get some sleep then go straight to work.
yeah it’s an extra £50 non taxable night allowance.
if I’m honest with you I can’t see him liking it not one bit. Working constantly outside in the cold all year round, right next to the sea as a labourer.
tbh I think he needs to do it to realise he doesn’t like it.
because trust me I won’t allow him to sleep on his days of especially if I am not working and I have the child of nursery.
also I won’t allow him to just not move out the house I still want to do family days out on days off.
also on his days off I still want him coming to bed when it’s bedtime. Not staying up like he’s in work.
I don’t mean to sound selfish but I don’t want a relationship with someone that I don’t see.
and if he’s going to be alway from home 5 nights a week every week he should do normal things on every day he’s off work

It is NOT selfish to say this doesn’t work for you. It’s not selfish to expect your oh to fully participate in family life. It’s okay to have red lines, expectations, standards.

Your life and family set up matters, it has an impact on all of you.

Original poster

Clairelh87 · 05/06/2025 08:27

I think he’s going to have to learn the hard way.
because he’s in the mentality it’s going to be easier than a day job etc

OP posts:

Cleaningtroubles2 · 05/06/2025 08:31

Clairelh87 · 05/06/2025 08:27

I think he’s going to have to learn the hard way.
because he’s in the mentality it’s going to be easier than a day job etc

Maybe it will be if he is doing zero childcare and chores, and is at his nana’s house being waited on.., also has the freedom to come and go as he pleases…

Codlingmoths · 05/06/2025 09:00

You can always drop the dc around at nanas and say he hasn’t seen them all week and i have a shitload to do, I’m sure you know ‘dp’ doesn’t shop cook or clean (if true) so he can at the very very least parent.

Original poster

Clairelh87 · 05/06/2025 09:01

I wonder tho how hard it is to function if you work 12 hour night shifts. Is it as easy as he thinks

OP posts:

TryForSpring · 05/06/2025 09:27

Clairelh87 · 05/06/2025 08:27

I think he’s going to have to learn the hard way.
because he’s in the mentality it’s going to be easier than a day job etc

But that leaves you in a very difficult position. Effectively a single parent, but still washing his dirty pants etc, I expect?

Lovestotravel79 · 05/06/2025 18:12

Night Shift can be a positive thing. If the wee one is unwell and can’t go to Nursery your OH will be in the house. Seems unlikely he would need as much sleep as he is suggesting and could easily pick the baby up from Nursery early, make dinner and have a decent rest meaning you do less when you come in. My partner has done Nightshift for some time now and I get myself and kids ready before he comes home in the morning. He walks the dog then sleeps from 8-2pm then does shopping etc. Days off are totally normal and he functions fine at weekends with days out with the kids. I think the main issue is him taking the role without you being happy about it but it could definitely work.

Loopytiles · 05/06/2025 18:16

Unless he was unemployed and had no other job prospects, him doing this would mean the end of the relationship for me, shows disregard to his responsibilities as a father and is poor partnership.

Tarrybankheidi · 05/06/2025 18:18

Clairelh87 · 05/06/2025 09:01

I wonder tho how hard it is to function if you work 12 hour night shifts. Is it as easy as he thinks

What job was he doing before? What's the main reason he has for wanting to change career? I guess if it really doesnt work would he then have the ability to change jobs again.

Original poster

Clairelh87 · 05/06/2025 18:18

Lovestotravel79 · 05/06/2025 18:12

Night Shift can be a positive thing. If the wee one is unwell and can’t go to Nursery your OH will be in the house. Seems unlikely he would need as much sleep as he is suggesting and could easily pick the baby up from Nursery early, make dinner and have a decent rest meaning you do less when you come in. My partner has done Nightshift for some time now and I get myself and kids ready before he comes home in the morning. He walks the dog then sleeps from 8-2pm then does shopping etc. Days off are totally normal and he functions fine at weekends with days out with the kids. I think the main issue is him taking the role without you being happy about it but it could definitely work.

Thank you that’s really positive.
I want it to work. And maybe it will mean more time with the family. Only time will see.
I suppose it’s not a bad thing having the bed to yourself. I would be happy with him dropping and picking child up.
didn’t take your OH a while to get used to it or was he okay

OP posts:

Lovestotravel79 · 05/06/2025 18:22

Hi, I would say it took about 4 weeks to get in a good routine. Try to see the positives, if anything is on at school during the day, assembly, sports day etc he will be around for that too which is nice. I don’t think of anyone is honest a life with kids and working parents is ideal but give it a try at least. He definitely should have listened more to your worries x

Sassybooklover · 05/06/2025 18:49

My husband grew up in a household where his Dad worked permanent 14 hour night shifts. He barely saw his Dad during the week. My husband worked nights for 5 years at a factory, when he was young (same place as his Dad), there was a recession and jobs weren't easy to find, so he took it. He hated it, your body clock is screwed up, you can't always sleep in the daytime especially in the summer and over time it took it's toll on his MH, he started falling asleep at work because he was so exhausted. Your husband may think it's going to be 'easy', but it won't be. My husband also just said to me night shifts should, if the company is decent be offering a good hourly night shift rate. He said if your partner is getting minimum wage plus £50 per week then, and I quote 'that's shit, and actually he's being exploited'. Let your partner start the job, and see how long it lasts. I suspect he will very quickly realise it's not as easy as he thinks, and once the tiredness kicks in, will regret his decision. If night shifts were so easy, we'd all be doing them!!

Beautifulweeds · 06/06/2025 17:22

It will be difficult at first but once a routine is established it's possible, like when one partner works away weeks, months at a time.

Lots of couples live like this, we used to and I worked FT as well. Sometimes I actually found it a bit easier, my own schedule and less mess lol 😆

However he should have discussed it with you and not assume it would be OK to sleep elsewhere. This type of arrangement doesn't work for everyone 😒 xxx

Partner taking a permanent night job

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