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Original poster

Totally torn - need to see both sides of the one child or siblings debate!

48 replies

ljhooray · 21/05/2008 19:46

Hi everyone,
My dd is 15 mths and it's about that time you start to think about whether you should have another dc sometime in the future. Problem is, I really am completely stumped. I love dd so much and she's at that age where things are getting easier (not that we don;t sometimes have the odd challenge but I suppose we are in the family of 3 rhythm now. I don't really have a strong yearning for another baby but like many of you on the other threads I've read, it feels extremely selfish to not give my dd the chance of having a sibling. Strangely enough, I'm only close to one of my siblings but I worry that dd will be lonely.

Any thoughts?

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NotABanana · 21/05/2008 19:48

After my son's birth I was adamant I would not have another child. (Emergency section, touch and go, x-rays very young.) I had wanted a big family but I was clear what I wanted.
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I now have 3 children.

oregonianabroad · 21/05/2008 19:49

I was an only. it was lonely sometimes, but there were a lot of advantages.

I have 2 children spaced very close together, and I would say it is very important that you are sure you are ready to have 2 before you go ahead.

I don't think you should fret about it: whatever you decide will be the best for you and your family.

WendyWeber · 21/05/2008 19:50

15 months is really quite early to be making this decision - go on enjoying your DD for now and keep the question at the back of your mind. You may decide differently a few months down the line - or you may not

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
WendyWeber · 21/05/2008 19:52

(I have 4 but quite widely spaced -

DD1
3 yr gap
DD2
3+3 yr gap
DS1
4+9 yr gap
DS2

They are all pretty good friends most of the time)

WinkyWinkola · 21/05/2008 19:53

I know three only children.

My DS finds them very difficult to be around as they are very reluctant to share without spectacular tantrums and rages that are beyond even my DS's range of fury. Their parents treat them like they are royalty.

I'm not saying your DD will be like this but I think there's a lot to be said for coming from a family whereby sharing and getting along with others is the norm.

gagarin · 21/05/2008 19:54

I value my siblings now my mother is frail. Doing it alone would be awful. No-one to ring up and say "you'll never guess what...".

I know that seems quite a longterm thought but it is really comforting to know I have someone to share the worry and care with.

gagarin · 21/05/2008 19:55

Oh - and I love my nieces and nephews to bits - can't imagine not having any!

Cammelia · 21/05/2008 19:58

winkywinkola I quite often find that children with siblings can be fairly argumetative, it seems to me that they can learn to argue with their siblings and can carry that behaviour over to friendships

I think personality is key

As well as position in family

Original poster
ljhooray · 21/05/2008 19:58

Hi Gagarin, I'm in a really similar situation and I think that's my main worry for dd. Like you say, it's pretty long term but my parents have been poorly for many years and it would be tough it were just on me.
I'm really enjoy dd and I think it's just that point where people start to ask if you'll have another and I'm enjoying what I have right now!

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 21/05/2008 19:58

I went through really broody patches, but not quite broody enough to actually take the plunge for quite a while.

then, eventually, I just KNEW. it was like yes, now is the right time, I can do this and it will be good for me and it'll be nice for ds1.

and it is.

so, I think you know when you definitely want another one. if you aren't completely sure then don't do it lol
btw, that doesn't mean I didn't get those panicky moments when I was pg of thinking "OMG, what if I don't really want another baby???"

but I had that with the first one too lol

posieflump · 21/05/2008 20:00

There is one parenting guru (forget the name, not a contentious one though) who says wait until age 2 before ttc the next one.

cyteen · 21/05/2008 20:07

I had an older brother and I loved, loved, LOVED him. I know we were quite lucky in that we always got on really well and were very close, but he was absolutely my favourite person in the world, and certainly the steadiest person in my life in many ways (my family is quite fragmented, in a mostly benign way). My brother was the only person in my family who really knew me. We shared so much: made-up games as kids, music obsessions as teens and adults, jokes that no one else found funny, an understanding of our family history without having to explain it.

Obviously none of this is a concrete reason to have another child (or not to have one). Every child and every sibling relationship is different, after all. But I just wanted to give one person's perspective on a very positive sibling experience

staranise · 21/05/2008 20:42

Of the only children I know, all except one are adamant that they will not have an only child themselves, not so much because of loneliness but more because they felt and still feel a lot of pressure from their parents.

I chose to have three children partly because I'm one of three myself and loved the balance of always having a least one sibling to play/talk with. My parents also went through a horrendous divorce when I was 20, and I really do not think I could have coped without my siblings.

But each family is different and I'm sure there are millions of happy only children that relish the one-to-one time they get with their parents that my children do not have in anything like the same quantity. But my children do have each other to play with, which makes my life easier at least

squeaver · 21/05/2008 20:53

This is a decision that only you can make.

I have one child and will not be having any more. It took us a long time to decide whether or not to have a baby but I think I always knew that if I did I would only have one. Now, I do not feel broody and don't think I should have another one unless I really, really want one. Aside from that we are both in our 40s and just too damn exhausted to have any more!!

Yes I worry about her being lonely. Yes I worry about her being spoiled. But I also know that dh and I will do everything we can to prevent her being a whingey, isolated brat. She has cousins close to her in age and is a very sociable wee thing so I hope (really, really hope) that it won't be a problem.

BUT everyone I have met in the last 3 years has gone on to have another one and - from their experience - it is BLOODY HARD WORK having two close together, especially in the first couple of years. I have really seen parents suffer in their relationships with each other and their dcs.

My sister waited five years between no 1 and no 2 and that somehow seems to work. dc1 has her own life at school all day and is mature enough not to see her brother as a threat.

But it's your life. Your lo is still tiny. Enjoy her and don't start putting pressure on yourselves.

Crocky · 21/05/2008 20:59

We always said that we wanted two dc but I was in no way ready to even think about another until ds was nearly three. All of a sudden it felt like absolutely the right thing to do. Give yourself time.

garnettopaz · 21/05/2008 21:01

we thought about it a lot before having ds2 - we're now really really but really happy to have two dss however i'm sure we would have been equally happy had we stopped at the one - there is almost 4 years between them and while it's still busy at home at the minute (ds2 6 months) it's easier than if they were very close to each other in age - i worried at the time that they might not get on because of the age difference but they really love each other and they already "play" together even though this currently means that ds1 hugs and gives ds2 kisses and bosses him around as to which toys he can/can't have

i wouldn't have any more until you're sure you want one - you and dh need to be certain about the decision and while ds1 comes into the equation you're the one who needs to be certain about your final decision - mind you we spent a whole year swinging from definitely no more to i want another dc now!

tab1 · 21/05/2008 21:01

my dd is 10 months and i'm nowhere near ready for another one yet but I was an only child and felt lonely and never learned to stand up for myself. Siblings appear to fight and not get on but my dp has wonderful stories of football/cricket/hols with his 2 brothers wheras hols as an only child are boring. We have decided to have a min 2 year gap so we can enjoy dd.

nikos · 21/05/2008 21:05

I would say life is very quiet, controlled organised and safe with one child. But what young children want is liveliness, noise, running around, constant play. That's what having more than one sibling does for your child. They have constant playmates and that's what children love to do. But it is definitely harder work having more that one, but only in the early years.
If I had a choice I would always have more than one.

MrsTittleMouse · 21/05/2008 21:12

We always said that we wanted a child, and that DD had fulfilled that need. And I don't think that we needed to have another. But then we found that we were thinking about another, and that we realised that while we didn't need one, we wanted one.

It was a bit different for us as I'm getting on a bit, and conceiving DD was very difficult, so we didn't have all the time in the world to think about it. As it was, I was pregnant after the first round of fertility treatment with DB2 (I'm PG right now ), so everything happened very quickly.

Anyway, I think that my main point here is that I wouldn't have had another child for DD's sake, we had to want one for us.

cmotdibbler · 21/05/2008 21:13

I have one child, and that will be all. Having siblings does not give you people to share caring for elderly relatives with, nor playmates as a child - necessarily. I have a brother with whom I've never got on with, and who plays no part at all in supporting my parents. It made little difference to me as a child having him around either.

I do think that if you are having one child you need to be careful about socialisation, and about letting go. But by being aware of possible issues, you can do things about it.

bearmama · 21/05/2008 21:13

I'm pretty sure I only want one - DP is 50, I'm 38 so age and energy are a factor. We also dont have any grandparents, or family nearby. DD is only six weeks and was planned and I knew I could cope with one. Two I think would be too much and I'd rather be a good mum to one than a half-arsed (ie knackered and worn out) mum to two. DP has three children from prev marriage tho', so DD not technically an only child.

SmugColditz · 21/05/2008 21:16

3 year age gap is nice.

Amaris · 21/05/2008 21:22

I would love another one, but am now a lone parent and it's unlikely it's going to happen. I probably couldn't have coped anyway with dd's dad's lack of support. I deal with it by ensuring that we have loads of people around us and dd has lots of friends. If it would make things stressful in your family to have another one, that won't be good for your dd so I guess you have to go with what you think is right - there is no absolute right or wrong answer.

I have a bit of a relationship with my brother but my mates are most important, so I want dd to grow up in a social environment that encourages her to see it natural to have friends for support too.

artichokes · 21/05/2008 21:23

I was an only child and often felt bored and lonely growing-up. I longed for siblings. However, being an only contributed to an incredibly close bond I built with my Mum. Which was lovely - until she got terminal cancer in my early twenties. Then I needed siblings even more, caring for an ill parents alone is intensley lonely. When Mum died I was so sad I had nobody to share memories of her as a parent with. When I went on to have DD I was so sad not to have any family left to celebrate her birth and childhood with - I looked at other Mum's whose siblings helped them out or were just there for them and I was very sad.

Soooo I promised myself I would give DD a sibling ASAP. And now I am pregant with number 2. I am really pleased but I have to say that I got pregnant before I felt broody and I did it for DD more than anyone else. As a result I am slightly worried about how I will feel/cope after the birth. Especially with no family to help me after the birth (except lovely DH).

It is a really hard decision and there is probably no right answer.

staranise · 21/05/2008 21:27

I have a 22 month age gap between my two DDs and it's not that difficult and it has meant that they have played together since a very early age. Plus they still like doing the same sort of thing (tumble time, music classes, parks etc), whcih means I'm not torn in two directions.

However, deliberately left a minimum 2.5 gap between my second and third child so that the oldest two will be in school/nursery in order to give no. 3 some one-to-one time and my body more of a break.

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