Totally torn - need to see both sides of the one child or siblings debate!

[ljhooray]

Hi everyone,
My dd is 15 mths and it's about that time you start to think about whether you should have another dc sometime in the future. Problem is, I really am completely stumped. I love dd so much and she's at that age where things are getting easier (not that we don;t sometimes have the odd challenge but I suppose we are in the family of 3 rhythm now. I don't really have a strong yearning for another baby but like many of you on the other threads I've read, it feels extremely selfish to not give my dd the chance of having a sibling. Strangely enough, I'm only close to one of my siblings but I worry that dd will be lonely.

Any thoughts?

I am an only, so is dp and have always mourned the lack of siblings. I would love to have sisters and brothers now and be part of their families with my nephews and nieces etc . I wish my children had cousins.

I suppose the one advantage is that I've never had to 'share' my parents with another child ( do my mum's dogs count?)
The disadvantages far outweigh that one advantage though.

I have 6 kids

Me and my sister are ten years apart, she is fab but we have little in common, things have changed so much in that time and the gap was too big for us ever to be playmates. Also I am the older one and my parents were much better off during her childhood than they were mine so we had very different up-bringings.

My 2 are 18 months apart, youngest is currently 9 weeks. I hope they will be able to share their childhood together, but I also know that there is a chance they might not get on.

Ultimately though you shouldn't have another baby unless you want one, not just because you maybe feel you should. Your DD is still very young so plenty of time for you to decide yet though.

ds is an only and likely to stay that way. I do worry about him not having that experience of growing up with a sibling. But as people have said, there are no guarantees - plenty of siblings don't like each other or have much contact as adults. And lots of families where one adult child gets landed with care of elderly parents while the others run for the hills.

I'm close to my sisters and ds's cousins are of similar ages, so I like to think that will help with family stuff as we get older. I also make sure he has lots of friends round to play. In fact he was playing out with the neighbours' kids this evening.

dd is an only and will stay that way, i make sure we go to lots of playgroups and activities and that she mixes with other children and is not lonely.
my dp and i have chosen to only have 1 child, we couldnt really afford any more and tbh dont really want anymore (this is no reflection on how much we love dd).
from my own experience my brother is 4 years younger than me and my nose was put out of joint from the day he was born! as a small child i remember feeling very jealous of him and asked my mum not to bring him home from the hospital when he was born!
as we grew up we had nothing in common, i am now in my thirties and he is 29, we still have nothing in common - i dont even know his phone number, we are civil when we see each other at family events but that is it.

artichokes - I know of lots of babies who came along before their parents were really "ready" for them, due to contraception failures. In fact, I'm one! And those parents have been OK, and have loved the babies that arrived earlier than they would have planned.
I'm sure that you will love the new baby just as much as your DD, and will be OK with your lovely DH's help.

I think you will 'know' if/when you and your partner feel ready for another one. Don't feel pressurised by anyone else - it's your family. I know a few only children and they all seem to be perfectly well adjusted, in fact more amenable and fun than some of the kids I teach from huge families. Personally I had my children close together, as I think when they are younger, they go through each stage so rapidly that even a 3 year gap can seem massive in terms of what the children enjoy doing. It also means that as a family you can 'do' each stage together, rather than getting the oldest one off to school and then starting the broken nights and newborn thing all over again.
It's also worth remembering that there are absolutely no guarantees that your children will get on well when they are older. Some adult siblings are great friends; some choose to never see eachother! So don't set up any expectations that they are bound to always get on.

I have 2 children and both DH and I are the middle of 3 - this is a hard place to grow up in a family.
My Mum is an only as in FIL & MIL. My Nan has Alzheimers and it has been really hard on my Mum. She has no one to share the "burden" or decision making with. I think she feels more alone now than ever she did as a child. I just wanted to point out that an onlly can be lonely well into later life.
The ultimate decision has to be yours in the end though, but we found DS2 fitted in very well into our routine and my 2 DS's are best friends now.

i seem to think of the 3 year gap being 'the norm', probably because my brother and i were jsut over 3 years apart. we fought like cat and dog though, so not sure why i'm modelling my own family on the experience!

i'd hate dd to be an only child, although i totally understand why it's the right choice for other families. I would love her to have at least 2 more siblings, but then there's always the possibility that it might not work out that way in practise. we were lucky concieving before, but there's no guarantee it'll happen that way again.

lj
I think you should just not think about it too much for now. If you don't feel broody, then don't feel pressured to do anything, just enjoy your dd for now. You may feel broody in a year or two, and then be lucky enough to go ahead and have another. Enjoy your time with your daughter, don't feel guilty about just having her for now.
Lots of people have onlys, for lots of reasons, and please don't listen to people who make generalised comments about onlys being brats, rubbish at sharing, antisocial - that's just a lazy, thoughtless cliche. I've come across many lovely onlys and many awful kids who have siblings - it's down to personality and parenting, not how big or small the family is.

lj
I think you should just not think about it too much for now. If you don't feel broody, then don't feel pressured to do anything, just enjoy your dd for now. You may feel broody in a year or two, and then be lucky enough to go ahead and have another. Enjoy your time with your daughter, don't feel guilty about just having her for now.
Lots of people have onlys, for lots of reasons, and please don't listen to people who make generalised comments about onlys being brats, rubbish at sharing, antisocial - that's just a lazy, thoughtless cliche. I've come across many lovely onlys and many awful kids who have siblings - it's down to personality and parenting, not how big or small the family is.

I was beyond adament that i would never, ever, ever have another child after dd. I had PND, a breast feeding experiance straight out of hell, decided i was completly unmaternal and then we got a puppy. When dd was 2.5 i threw away all of her newborn stuff, all of my maternity clothes, sterilizer, bottles etc.
When dd was almost 4 i completly change my mind and am now pregnant with no 2!
I was an only and did feel a bit lonely sometimes, dp has a sister and hated growing up with her, but they love each other now
I definatly don't think it is selfish to only want one child, There are loads of positives both for you and your dd.
I think if you aren't quite sure atm then you just wait a bit and enjoy what you have, see how you feel in the future

Bit of a different perspective: I did have a sibling while I was growing up (dear brother) who sadly died when he was 25. I miss him now, for himself, and also as a sibling to share responsibility for parents. I feel the burden of my parents expectation and attention, (even though I am an adult!) more than when I was a child.
Seeing how much my 2 dd's get from their relationship with each other is wonderful. My friend said that watching her 3 ds's play is her favourite bit of parenting.

Hi Scotsgirl, thanks for your post, think you've summed up nicely what lots of people have said here. I know I just don't feel ready yet but suspect that over time, this may change. However it wasn't easy for us to conceive so I know it may not be in our control anyway! Think I was just feeling a bit guilty or indulgent enjoying dd and our time together, not sure if it was best for her or more for me! However, I know what I missed growing up in a very large family was some one on one attention. So giving dd all I can whilst she is small and developing her emotions and needs feels like the right thing for now.

scotsgirl - I'm SO pleased you said that twice!

So many differnt children throw one when challenged for a toy or a turn...but it is bvaribly put down to 'only child' status if the child is an 'enfant unique', and personality / parenting if not. There are so many stereotypes.

Have another if you would love to have another child. I would say don't have one ut of any sense of obligation.

Pros and cons to all sizes of families.

I keep this thread in my watch list and look at it from time to time whenever I feel guilty for not wanting another child. I feel my family is complete as it is... I know if I did have another it would be for ds's sake alone, and I'm not sure that would be for the best. I have a peek at it now + again when I have had the "What?! How can you possibly not want another?" type comments.

But having siblings or not does affect a child. It can be negatively, it can be positively but to say this child is like this because of personality or parenting is to dismiss the huge impact of siblings. How very lazy.

I never wanted kids, DS1 was an accident. Definitely decided I couldn't face another..... but worried we'd be too PFB with him. So, rashly decided to have another who was born when DS1 was 2. It was hell for the first 18 months, but they make me PMSL every day now. I don't regret it for a minute. They've changed me and DH for the better.

But had a coil fitted before DH and I were shagging again after DS2

it's got to be your decision and you'll know by your gut instinct what is right. For us it was stopping at one, for others it will be stopping at 6. Just enjoy your LO and what will be will be

Hello,

I decided early on that I would give my oldest a sibling but I rashly thought '2 years apart is pretty normal and they will grow up closer...' It was awful for the first year at least - I barely coped with paid help 3 days a week and a husband who works from home. My oldest was not ready for my attention to be taken away from him and remains jealous and so on still. The youngest suffered too from having to play second fiddle to the toddler half the time. Having said that, everyone says that it will pay off when they are older in lots of ways. And I love seeing them play together - it is amazing watching two people - that wouldn't even exist without you - have a whole independent relationship of their own. And I love being able to experience babyhood again and appreciate it more the second time around., But I still think I would leave a bigger space if I could do it again - for my sake and the sake of the kids. I'd probably wait until the oldest was 3 before trying.

DD is an only and staying that way, I was sterilised this week.
I have an older brother, we've never been close and I don't even have his phone number.
My DD is not isolated, she has loads of friends, she's not spoiled, I can't afford it and I think the whole PFB passed me by!

Have however many children you have because you want them, you can't guarantee that siblings will be close.
I'm very happy with my only, as is she.
It works for our family and that's what counts.

you can never know what your children will be like but I reckon that you'll know if they're ready to accept another person into the family

I have a brother 3.5 years younger than me, we got on realyl well til we became teenagers then hated each other with a passion til I left home aged 18...now we're like best friends again and I'm so so grateful for having such a brilliant brother. Hubby's sister is 2years older than him and their relationship had the exact same ups and downs and now they get on really well...my dad gets on brilliantly with his brother who is 3 years younger, but my mum and her brother (who is 10 years younger) never speak (he's a horrid person) so you just don't know.

Personally I want two children for the social reason for both of them...and I think we'd like them to be 2 years apart so we do get a lot of the nappies/bedtime etc out of the way together...especially if this baby turns out to be a girl, it's rubbish having a little brother who is 3years younger than you in age but 5 years younger than you in maturity!

I'm an only with half siblings by various second marriages (i've never lived with them as they are much younger). I always wanted a sibling but that was more to do with having a bit of traumatic upbringing. Consequently I had my second dd quite close in age to dd1.
Having 2 works for us, but i won't deny it's not been very hard work and i do feel guilty that dd1 has missed out on some of my attention compared to some of her peers. But they love each other for now. I don't think there is a right and wrong, the only thing I'd say is if you stop at 1, always ensure there are other children around to engage with (i grew up in very adult company and found it hard to engage with people my age until i was in my twenties) and don't put any pressure your child to be 'your family' when they leave home. I feel massive pressure to be everything from my mum as I am her only family and now she is ill, it would be nice to have someone to share the worry with....

There's nothing wrong with having only one child and being happy with only one dc. There are probably distinct challenges and pitfalls to mothering onlys (just like if you have 3 or 5 or 10 kids), but you can work thru the challenges and still provide a lovely childhood and have a happy family even if there's only one offspring.