DS (reception age) hates school and it’s getting worse

[ReceptionProblems]

DS (just turned 5) has always been a sensitive, highly strung child. Very attached to me and DH. Went to nursery 2.5 days per week from age 1 - 4 and cried pretty much every single drop off, that kind of thing.

Reception so far has been difficult. He’s usually tired and volatile after school. But seems to relax at weekends and school holidays. This holiday has been different though. He’s been so emotional and quick to anger and hasn’t wanted to leave the house.

Hes always said he hates school but we kind of brushed it off. Tonight he went to bed crying saying how much he hates school. Hates the work, hates being away from DH and I, doesn’t have any friends.

I want to email the school but DH kinda shrugged and said I’m being ‘that parent’ and all kids hate the holidays ending.

Can I get some opinions please?

You absolutely need to address this. Your child is literally crying out for help and your 'D'H doesn't even want to contact the school to get their view on what's happening?!

This is not being ‘that’ parent at all. Asking to talk to your child’s teacher about his unhappiness at school is being a good parent.

Sorry, I should make it clear DH is a super kind dad and DS adores him. But he didn’t like school himself so I think he’s seeing this through a different lense to me. I think to be honest he knows there is a problem but is burying his head a bit. I really don’t want to be a neurotic parent but it’s getting really hard now. We’ve chatted informally with the teacher who has said he can be very emotional at school but otherwise no problems.

Primary children, especially Reception children, shouldn't hate school. It's normal to be a bit fed up about going back to school if it's more fun at home or if you feel a bit apprehensive, but this sounds like something more. I would talk to school and see what they say. Given it happened at nursery too, it might not be anything specific about the school, but they still might be able to put something in place that makes him a bit happier.

You aren't going in to attack the school, you are consulting with them to try and come up with a plan so that your son benefits from the time he spends there. His teachers will want him to enjoy, or at least tolerate, it. You need to arrange a more formal meeting.

This is really sad. Your son spends a huge amount of his waking hours at school. In reception he definitely shouldn’t be hating it- it’s mostly playing! Poor little boy. Definitely email the teacher and get a meeting so you can try to make it better for him.

Poor mite. Definitely speak with school, it's not being that parent. You aren't slagging anyone off you are just trying to get to the bottom of his unhappiness. It could be really simple such as a hand drier being loud, or uncomfortable sitting on a mat or a simole transition between subjects that's he is struggling with. It needs to be nipped in the bud before year 1 where the structure changes from play to more formal learning.

You are not being that parent. Your very small child is in distress. You want to address this. Why would you not?

The simple fact is that school is an artifical construct and it does not suit all children... some love it and thrive, but that does not mean that those who do not thrive should just be made to grin and bear it. It is very damaging, especially to one so young. These are formative years. What is he learning? ... that life is hateful and misery and there is no help to be found ......

Get on out there and address this. You owe it to your son. Where else can he turn for help? He has no power. You are all he has.

Just because your OH hated school it does not mean that you have to stand by and let your son go through the same.

I’m heartbroken reading these. I’m honestly not a crap mum. I just kinda hoped he’d grow out of it or it would get better, but it isn’t. I appreciate I just need to crack on now. I don’t think DH wants him to suffer because he did. Not at all. But I think we’ve just lost sight of what normal is.

You don't sound like a crap mum. It's now escalated and you're going to address it, you always wanted to address it but DH had a different view. Now it's got more serious you know what you need to do. It's definitely not a normal amount of end of holiday blues.

My daughter is very similar OP. Dreading tomorrow morning as she’ll be so emotional. I did speak to her teacher who was very reassuring and surprised to hear she has no friends as she’s very popular. However, she did identify that if a friend wants to play something different to her then she takes it as a massive rejection. We are getting ELSA support for her this term to prep her for year 1. Def worth asking your school if they offer it

I've worked in early years and/or KS1 for about 20 years - I promise this won't make you "that parent"!

Email school to ask for a meeting so you can work together to try and identify what it is making him feel this way. They want him to enjoy school, and actually feel really sad about it if a parent didn't approach us in this situation!

Have you asked him what he doesn’t like about school? That age, you need to keep drilling down with questions or you’ll get “ I don’t know or one word answers.” So if he says he doesn’t like the work, ask what is it about the work you don’t like? Etc.

Id seriously look at moving schools if it’s that bad

All you are doing is highlighting some concerns as your child’s parent and only advocate that he has - you are taking yourself down the right path!
we too are on this path with our second child, our first loved school and we very much so thought our second would grow to love it, but no, it still feels too much, too sad, too hard and too loud for him and that is okay but what has changed the whole experience is talking to the teacher, she has went down a few routes to get some support to help him and it has been game changing, we are having less weeks of the absolute dread of school, some weeks, like this week, we seem to be back in the midst of it but we had a couple of weeks ok there!
your DS will get there, you just need everyone on side ♥️

In bed crying about school?
you need to address this with the school.

Hi Op, if this can be any consolation/comfort my eldest was exactly the same. Super clingy, screamed at nursery drop off, absolutely hated reception to the point she regressed and starting wetting herself daily. I had to have multiple meetings with her teacher about her crying in lessons etc - honestly it was awful. She was horrendous at home that year too - tantrums line I’d never seen etc. But she settled in by the middle of year 1, and now at 8 she loves school and has made lovely friends - it just took her a while to settle. I was so worried about some kind of SEN etc but honestly she’s just super sensitive and highly strung, and was one of the youngest in the year. It all sorted itself out - hopefully it will for your little boy too ❤️

Hello. You’re not on your own with this problem. My daughter was just like this in nursery/reception and it’s really upsetting and stressful when you don’t know how to help.

We had a chat with her teacher and spoke about our worries and talked a little bit about what she likes/doesn’t like at home. Her teacher had some really good suggestions for how they could help her settle. For our daughter, we’ve realised she just likes to know what her plan is for the day or she feels unsettled, so the teacher gave her a job to do every morning (sharpening pencils for a couple of mins) and just knowing that was what she would do when she first went in gave her the little bit of routine she needed to help her settle into her day.

Have you looked into ‘Orchid Children’- might be worth a Google, the theory describes our daughter to a T and helped us support her. She’s now in year 1 and enjoys school (most days)!

He says he doesn’t like the work particularly phonics. He says that writing makes his hand hurt. He says he doesn’t like how much they have to tidy up. He says he hates being apart from DH and I. He also said nobody will play with him and children tell him to go away. The last point school have previously denied, they have said he has a good group of friends. It’s so hard to know what is really going on. Anyway I emailed last night and I’m on drop off/pick up tomorrow and Wednesday so I can check in with the teacher then.

@ThatRealPombear I’m also worried about SEN although his language is great and he’s above average at school despite having an end of May birthday, which kind of goes against that.

@Cattie98765 orchid is exactly what he is

And to add he has to help us tidy up at home so it’s not like tidying up is a completely novel task to him!

OP I could have written your post - we were in the same position 2 years ago with our then 5 year old. We brushed it off initially as he also had been emotional at nursery / day care drop offs (although had settled a while before he finished both) and was very attached to us (thanks covid) - I guess we put it down to separation anxiety. We talked to him and tried to reassure him.

DH took him for a haircut one day and the barber flagged a bald spot - he had been pulling his hair out (we thought he had been fiddling with his hair but didn't realise he had been pulling). I was straight on the phone to school and they were fantastic. He got some discreet fidget toys (provided by school) which stopped the hair pulling.

At the time they had funding for a child psychologist who he had around 5 sessions with. She couldn't pin it on anything. We think some kind of social anxiety. 2 years on and you wouldn't know - he is a confident social butterfly.

It will get better but 100% you need to speak to school. Lots of reassurance and positive praise. But you need input from school to help him.

I would definitely ask for a meeting or phonecall with his teacher. Reception is a very young age to be so unhappy and should be mainly play based. I work in a school OP and I promise you won't be seen as "one of those mothers etc" it's clearly having big impact on him.

This 100%.
Usually nursery and reception are the best time in school for children.

Just to say there are some children who dislike the noise and free flow of reception and prefer year 1. Mine used to take naps in the reading corner after lunch as she found it so overwhelming. Fortunately the reception teacher let her get on with it. I hope you have a good meeting with the school and can find some helpful ways forward.

I don't have any help sorry but would you please post an update when you've spoken with the teacher etc? My son is 4 and is leaving nursery in July and waiting to start reception in Sept. I feel like we are in this funny period at the moment and he keeps crying saying he doesn't want to go to nursery and sobs going in. He did used to do this and then stopped but it has now restarted again. He keeps saying he just wants to start school now but I've got a feeling the crying will continue when he does start there. When I ask him why he doesn't want to go to nursery the only reason he can give me is that he just wants to stay at home with me. I've explained to him that I'm at work etc and I'm not at home. I hope it works out for you all OP. I know how distressing it can feel. I feel like I'm heading into the same situation.

Don't let your DH's fear of being 'that parent' mean that you actually become 'THAT parent'...you know the one who took him to nursery three times a week for three years even though he cried every single day and then shrugged it off when he told you how much he hated school...