Scared of not having children, terrified of having them

[SilkySoul]

(Sorry if this is in the wrong category - I wasn't sure where to put it!)

Hello, just a bit of a stream of consciousness here to get some perspectives.

I'm 40 (f) and my partner is 42 (m). Neither of us have kids. We have only been together about 6 months but we both feel the pressure of time and have been talking about having children.

We each earn about £30k. We're both self employed (so no maternity pay etc.).

I have ADHD. Some of the ways this manifests in me are that I have a lot of difficulty sleeping, and my mental health really suffers with sleep deprivation; and that I absolutely hate routine (one of the reasons I like being self employed. I found 9-5 work absolutely soul destroying). I remember breaking down and crying once as a child and telling my mum it was because life was just 5 days at school, 2 days off, over and over again until you're an adult and then 5 days at work, 2 days off, over and over again until you die! So the thought of having to plan life around school term dates and holidays makes me feel very depressed.

My mum is dead and my dad is in his 70s and not very hands on with the grandchildren he already has. My siblings live far away, as do all of my partner's family (in another country). Our friends are also spread around the country and world. So we don't have the village of people you supposedly need to raise a child, it's just the two of us really.

So... the thought of not having children and regretting it later scares the hell out of me, but the thought of having children also absolutely terrifies me as I don't know how we'd cope financially and I really don't think I'd cope mentally.

My partner also has worries, but his are more 'It's scary to think about being responsible for helping the child grow up to be a good person' and mine are more 'I will have a mental breakdown or die of exhaustion'. He doesn't seem to have financial concerns, but I think he's living in a dream world on that front.

I'd love to hear from anyone who had similar concerns before deciding to have children! Convince me that it is practically possible!

I have a 9 month old and it's HARD. Harder than people told me. We don't have any family either. My DH is quite helpful and involved though.

The sleep deprivation is horrific. Truly the stuff of nightmares until around 4-5 months. Most babies don't properly sleep through the night until 12 months or more and many not even then.

I had to go back to work at 6 months. Lots of people were like "at least you get some of your life back". Lol. Yes, I can have lunch in peace but every moment of my day is spent working or caring for a child. There is zero time for myself, which is excruciating when I'm also woken 1-2 times a night (or more if teething)

My career has taken a hit. And it will continue to do so for a while. I can't do the business trips, the long hours etc. And tbh I just don't have the headspace.

Our entire life now revolves around the needs of this little person. We can't go on the holidays we want, we can't go out in the evening, any outing revolves around baby and his nap times.

I can't wake up and lie in bed for 10 minutes as baby wakes up at 6:18am every morning 😅

Life with babies is extremely boring. It's ALL about routine. Not your routine, their routine.

I don't regret it. We have money to throw at the problem, to an extent. We have a comfortable life. A healthy, incredibly happy child. I love him more than life itself. I didn't want a baby, I wanted a child for life so I look at this baby stage as temporary. But I frequently wake up in the morning and think I physically cannot do this.

Is that not every adult thinking about kids. Whether they’re rich, poor, have a good job, or family or any situation. I’m sure it’s hard being ADHD, but if you have a job with money and a partner then that’s better than most….and sleep is a luxury with babies

I won't lie, the sleep deprivation is hard - but temporary. My dc slept mostly through after 3 months (by that I mean longer chunks and waking up on average 1-2 times a night). They all started sleeping the entire night, no waking up at night, before a year old.

The drudgery the first few years isn't fun. But again that's only for a few years. I'm assuming you'd only have the one child, which starts being much easier after the child turns 3-4yo. They're able to entertain themselves and you can actually have time to yourself again.

So in the grand scheme of things, it's a few years of hard work for a life time of benefits. This is assuming you value what a child gives you - the incredible love, the childhood magic, the company, etc.

Then of course there is the risk of disability, which I'll be honest terrified me. I don't think I could have coped with a severely disabled child who'd never be independant. But I decided that having children was worth the risk so I went on and had them anyway.

What are the positives you'll bring to a child's life? Having a child is exhausting and relentless so probably best to think of the worst case scenario if you already struggle with sleep deprivation and mental illness. Being worried you might regret it one day is isn't a good reason to have one and having one with someone you've only know for 6 months isn't great either. Do you know anyone with young children in real life? I'd suggest you spend some time with them, offer to look after their kids for a weekend etc so you really understand what you could be getting yourself into. Read some threads on here.

The first response summarised it well. DH and I tried for kids late 30s, I sadly had a miscarriage and then had a baby at 40. Personally it has changed my life forever.

We have no village either never even had family help ever (not had one family member even come over to hold the baby or make a cup of coffee or tea and ask how things are).

It is just DH, myself and daycare.

I struggled a lot first year. I had no idea what I was doing, I would have had undiagnosed PND and hated how my life changed it was the hardest time. DH and I talked of separation. Everything changed in our normally secure and very loving relationship. We also have vastly different parenting styles so got quite stressed when we would disagree on what the other was doing.

The first year was a nightmare. Second year slightly better I returned to work part time.

I am now full time but my days are still very much consumed now with the stress of work and caring. When a sickness hits daycare, I tend to be the one to care.

And when the child is sick and you and/or DH is sick - that is also a nightmare. Little to no sleep for days, stuffed noses or running to the toilet to vomit or go out the other end. Meanwhile the child is also sick and can be fussy to say the least. It’s a juggling act.

I think like the first response said, I also wanted a child and I know this small child phase is over at some stage. So I am hanging in there. There is lots I enjoy about being a mum and I know I made the right decision ultimately. I just don’t enjoy the early years 100% of the time.

It’s worth bearing in mind app that everyone’s experience is different.
i currently have DD 8 and DS 2 weeks and honestly, I’m not that tired. If you do have a difficult phase, it doesn’t last forever and quickly moves on. You do grow and change as a person.

Add in the menopause in a few years with having a moody teenager too for extra spice! I’d recommend getting a dog instead and enjoy what you have 😊

I had two children in my early twenties which I found quite easy as I had tons of energy. I had another child in my l late thirties and found it harder. Ds is autistic and very challenging that coupled with peri menopause starting at 44 plus developing chronic pain at 45 my life is very hard.

i would question why you are thinking about this. Because of your partner?, because of maternal instinct? Societal norm?

Theres no way of knowing how it will go you may have a relatively easy pregnancy/birth/hormone changes/ baby and find the positives far out weigh the negatives or the reverse. There is no way to know.

im autistic and suspected add, I have always put my kids needs above my own At huge cost to my own physical and mental health at times.

Wow some of those are depressing posts. I had a baby at 41 and don’t really feel so negative about those early years as some posters. I had some help from family in the first week but they’re not local so after that time it was mainly DH and myself.

I think you’re getting a little bit tied up in knots with the question that you’re only really contemplating at this point because of your age. I do understand that but really 6 months is no time at all to know someone. You also gone to great lengths to explain why you’re frightened of having a child but haven’t really explained why you’re worried about not having one. Not having a child is a valid choice. The sky will not fall in if you don’t have one and you and your boyfriend can go forward and build a lovely life together. Sleep deprivation etc is very transient so I wouldn’t base my decision on the hardships of the first year. Financial arrangements are probably more relevant so I’d definitely take some time to look at the costs of childcare etc locally. Ultimately I’d lean towards not having one because you don’t really express any reason why a child would be a positive for you.

A lot of people are scared before having a child as you don’t know how they are going to change you life. It’s hard to imagine having one until you have one. Several people told me it will change my life and the life will not be the same, I will not have time, I’ll need to just jump around the kids basically. I had a baby at 38 and I can say my personal opinion. My life wasn’t upside down, the baby in my life felt just right, like an addition and felt so naturally. Money matters would resolve anyway. There are people who have multiple children and survive. During maternity leave you’ll have less sleep, but that will get better. You can sleep during the day as the baby sleeps a lot during 24 hrs. Post partum hormones are all over the place, I was scared for my baby, I was sad for no reason etc But that normalized within months. I think it’s important to decide other factors like breastfeeding or bottle feeding etc as it can have a lot of pressure on you. It’s really up to you. Most of my life I was saying I’m not ready to have kids, until I’ve turned over 35 then I kind of started thinking about it. I’m really glad I had my baby. As other say, holiday is restricted for us just now as I wouldn’t take her on the plane due to her being very active and she wouldn’t sit still, or I don’t like going to the restaurants for the same reasons, however we find other solutions and know it’s temporary. Also, what works for one parents, doesn’t work for other. You decide as a parent what’s the best for you and your baby. Good luck!

Just to add, we don’t have any help from the family or friends. My daughter now goes to the nursery full time and she loves it.

We are thinking about it because we both do want a family, it just hasn't happened for either of us yet for one reason or another. I didn't want to do it in my 20s as there were other things I wanted to get out of the way before settling down, then in my 30s I was grieving my mum and it made me want to put everything on hold, plus I was with a partner most of my 30s who wasn't sure whether he wanted children or not. My current partner had his last long term relationship break down after they had a miscarriage. So it just hasn't been the right time for either of us until now.

Every experience is different because every baby ia different. My baby slept through straightaway so I never had any issues with sleep deprivation. My baby actually slept more than I did!

Anyway… the thing you’re not factoring in is the love you feel for your baby. That love carries you through. It’s like no other and gives you a purpose and drive to do whatever needs to be done for your baby.

Obviously I’d never tell someone to blindly go into having a baby but you’re so busy concentrating on what could be bad that you’re not seeing what could be good.

In your shoes, I’d go for it.

Thanks for this, yes, some of them are a bit depressing! "Think you'd better just get a dog!" 😂

Having a child at my age doesn't bother me - I have a friend who after lots of failed IVF cycles in her 30s just gave birth at 44. I'm also very fit and healthy, much more so than I was when I was younger, although I understand that perimenopause will change everything and that my body might not bounce back from pregnancy as quickly as a younger body would. But the time it might take to get pregnant and the fact that it might not be possible at all in a few more years is a factor in wanting to do it soon.

I have contemplated it at different points in the past but something's always put me off, like not being with the right partner, not having a secure job, wanting to buy a house first, partner not being ready, grief, etc.

I suppose the reason I'm worried about not having a child is just that I have always wanted children. I had a lovely happy family life growing up, I love spending time with my nieces and nephews when I can, and that's just the kind of life I want to have. I know it's possible to have a lovely, fulfilling life without having children but I've just always wanted to have a family.

It sounds like you do want children and you need to crack on. 40 is very late to start trying.

I have ADHD and happy to answer any questions. I always knew I wanted children, it was never a question for me. I don't know that worried you'll regret it later is a good reason to go for it. If you feel a lack of connection to the wider community maybe it would be worth developing relationships with communities around you, rather than having a child who might not provide that relationship in later life anyway. Join a church (UU if not religious) or volunteer or some kind of community venture, mentor younger people, maybe through an ADHD self help group or other scheme?

But agree there are plenty of good points and it doesn't make sense to centre on the bad and the what ifs.

What makes parenting hardest is doing it with a partner who isn’t fully on board, committed to the long term, and your equal. Taking away anything else you’ve said about your worries, I don’t think anyone should be considering having a baby with someone they’ve only been in a relationship with for 6 months.

He could be on his best behaviour now. He could be not entirely truthful about his finances or long term prospects (I had no idea what dh actually earned at 6 months in). He could be naturally very lazy. Do you even live together? Dating and running a household together are very different things. He could have a criminal past you don’t know about (I know 2 people who discovered their lovely wonderful partners were actually paedophiles early in a relationship, it’s horrible but there’s no way you’d know!).

If nothing else, he could simply decide he doesn’t want a child after all…after you’ve had one. What then? Then it’s all you all the time. He cannot be forced to have his child part of the week even if you’re struggling and need a break. My friend’s long term partner up and left because he panicked and decided he didn’t want their very planned baby after she was born, packed his bags, and left. Her daughter is 13 and they’ve never seen him again. He pays maintenance, but he just walked away because there is nothing stopping a man really. The responsibility would all fall on you.

What I’m saying is generally lots of things can be overcome. Dh and I earned much less than you when we had our first. We don’t have a village. It’s always been just us. But we knew each other very well before we had children and I knew he was someone I would want to be tied to for the rest of my life. I just don’t think you’re in a place to make that call at 6 months and especially so if you both aren’t entirely sure. It puts you in a very risky position of having everything dumped on you if he can’t cope.

How will you cope if your child has ADHD and behaviour issues? Neurodiversity in general? As a sensitive person who has more than 1 kid with neurodiversity, it's a daily battle. I love them so.... but it's a constant struggle.

I genuinely believe that if you want children, actually genuinely desperately want them, you wouldn't get to 40 without them (medical issues aside). I'd have had a baby, man or no man, I'd have had kids. Dh knew that, I was clear that we either tried or he was out, and I'd do it myself.

So when a woman starts getting antsy at 40 I think it's worries about potential regret and maybe a last ditch hormonal thing more than really wanting a baby.

You're 40, you value your sleep and you have ADHD. Your chances of having a child with special needs have increased significantly because of your age and you already have a risk of a kid with ADHD too. So, you and motherhood doesn't sound like a match made in heaven to be honest. You don't have family that can step in if you need it, what will you do if you have a child who is autistic/ADHD or has down syndrome and will need life care at your age?

Babies are great, if you're desperate for them. But even then they're exhausting and difficult and children with special needs can absolutely throw a bomb in your life (ask me how I know).

Chance of having a baby with DS increases to 1 in 350 for women who become pregnant at age 35 and continues to increase as the woman ages, so that by age 42, and by age 49, the chance is 1 in 60 and 1 in 12 respectively

Advanced maternal age is associated with an increased risk of autism spectrum disorder (ASD) in offspring. Studies show that mothers over 40 have a higher risk of having a child with ASD compared to mothers in their 20s or early 30s. The risk appears to increase with each year of the mother's age, with a more significant increase observed after age 35.

Paternal age also influences too, but as this is your post!

One thing that you don’t mention in your post, which I think is a huge factor here, is that ADHD is very very heritable. If you have adhd and your partner doesn’t the chance a baby will have Adhd is between 35 and 50 percent.

Thats not necessarily a bad thing - I’ve got a kid with adhd who I wouldn’t change even if I could wave a magic wand - but it is much much harder to parent.

So when you’re thinking about money or time or planning etc you need to bare in mind that some things other people do - like after school care 5 days a week for example- might well not work for your child. And make your decision on that basis.

Harder to parent, but also parenting in a world that is truly backlashing against SEND care in schools and against things like PIP etc.

Yes babies are hard but it doesn't take long to establish a routine . I had three later on in life and the joy they have brought me is priceless . It was worth all those sleepless nights tenfold .

@MerryBalonz very true - and with endless admin along side it!