Scared of not having children, terrified of having them

[SilkySoul]

(Sorry if this is in the wrong category - I wasn't sure where to put it!)

Hello, just a bit of a stream of consciousness here to get some perspectives.

I'm 40 (f) and my partner is 42 (m). Neither of us have kids. We have only been together about 6 months but we both feel the pressure of time and have been talking about having children.

We each earn about £30k. We're both self employed (so no maternity pay etc.).

I have ADHD. Some of the ways this manifests in me are that I have a lot of difficulty sleeping, and my mental health really suffers with sleep deprivation; and that I absolutely hate routine (one of the reasons I like being self employed. I found 9-5 work absolutely soul destroying). I remember breaking down and crying once as a child and telling my mum it was because life was just 5 days at school, 2 days off, over and over again until you're an adult and then 5 days at work, 2 days off, over and over again until you die! So the thought of having to plan life around school term dates and holidays makes me feel very depressed.

My mum is dead and my dad is in his 70s and not very hands on with the grandchildren he already has. My siblings live far away, as do all of my partner's family (in another country). Our friends are also spread around the country and world. So we don't have the village of people you supposedly need to raise a child, it's just the two of us really.

So... the thought of not having children and regretting it later scares the hell out of me, but the thought of having children also absolutely terrifies me as I don't know how we'd cope financially and I really don't think I'd cope mentally.

My partner also has worries, but his are more 'It's scary to think about being responsible for helping the child grow up to be a good person' and mine are more 'I will have a mental breakdown or die of exhaustion'. He doesn't seem to have financial concerns, but I think he's living in a dream world on that front.

I'd love to hear from anyone who had similar concerns before deciding to have children! Convince me that it is practically possible!

But, bluntly, it doesn’t sound as if it’s the right time now, either. You barely know one another, it’s a very new relationship, you’re both still firmly on the fence, and you have what sounds like perfectly valid MH reasons to worry about some aspects of parenthood. You almost certainly wouldn’t be thinking about it now if it weren’t for your age.

Which is not to say you shouldn’t do it. Only that ‘I’ve always wanted a family’ in the abstract, or fears that you’ll regret not having one, isn’t necessarily a reason to have a child.

I was deeply ambivalent, as was DH, and then we decided to ttc, and I had DS a couple of months before turning 40. BUT we’d been together for many, many years, were a very strong partnership, and had faced down some challenging stuff in our time, and I was pretty confident that even if I turned out not to enjoy parenthood, we would still do a decent job of bringing up a child.

OP - realistically if you want to have children you need to have started yesterday. Fertility doesn't care if you feel young and are fit.

i makes me 🤷🏻‍♀️ how many women don’t realise that.

Yes - it’a hard and changes your life. But, at this point you don’t even know if you can even still have kids anyway. And don’t have time to ponder it anymore. Start trying, or make peace with not having kids.

Someone who said ADHD is a reason not to have kids - bc kid can have it too. Seriously…

I’ve rejoined to reply to you! I am about to turn 40, with a 3 year old DD. This is an outing story but never mind!

I was never someone who knew they wanted children. I initially assumed I would one day, but as I got older I was definitely leaning towards not having any. Like a poster above, I absolutely knew I wouldn’t cope if the child was severely ND, I had a crippling fear of birth, sleep deprivation sends me mad etc etc. My DH was on the fence too. We bought a house, got two dogs and were very happy. Then he was diagnosed with a brain tumour and (to his surprise) one of the first things he felt was sadness that he might never have a family. Once he was well again, we decided just to “stop preventing” rather than actually trying - I got pregnant quite quickly and was TERRIFIED and under the perinatal MH team my whole pregnancy because I was so scared I’d made the wrong choice.

My DD was born via c section which was calm and a nice experience that I recovered really quickly from. She had reflux so was constantly vomiting up her milk and didn’t sleep well. I couldn’t BF and the guilt was overwhelming even though it turned out it was because I had breast cancer. The first year of my DD’s life was the hardest of mine. I felt I had lost every sense of who I had previously been. I didn’t even look like myself any more. Had you asked me then if I’d made the right choice I’d have said no. I would have gone back in time in a flash.

Her reflux stopped as soon as she was weaned. When she was walking things got better again. Then after she turned 2, it was like the old chapter had closed and I remember thinking “so this is why people have more than one 😂) She sleeps well, eats well and she is just such a wonderful little ray of sunshine now (with some threenager moments haha) I love her so much and we wouldn’t be without her. We’re off to a festival this weekend ❤️ It is still hard, but I know I made the right choice.

I am not a baby person but I’ve always known that. I can’t have any more children, but even if I could I wouldn’t because I know that I couldn’t do the pregnancy and baby stage again - but every single day of it was worth it for my DD and if I had a do-over, I would still choose her.

All that being said - apart from nursery, we have very little in the way of a “village” in terms of hands on help with babysitting etc. If DH was not a completely equal parent who does his share of absolutely everything including night wakes, household chores etc - or we didn’t have a relationship where we always help the other get time for themselves - I expect my view might be slightly different.

I remember the MH midwife saying to me that to have kids/not have kids is particularly scary because, unlike most life choices, once you’ve chosen one path the other one is completely lost to you forever - but what you have to remember is that both paths can lead to a wonderful meaningful life with all its hard bits and lovely bits and ups and downs, they’re just different. I hope that whatever you choose you find happiness.

Having a kid when you have little support is extraordinarily hard. To be frank in your situation right now it doesn't sound wise.
But if you want to be convinced, that suggests you really do want one despite all the many risks and downsides you've mentioned.

Honestly, given that you are still on the fence at your age and based on your concerns, it sounds like deep down you don’t want a child.
Having a child is hard. They become your whole life. There is no way to say that to someone who hasn’t experienced it in a way that actually conveys how profoundly true it is.
You need to really really want to love and nurture and protect them and to put them first and to be reasonably confident you have the stamina, fortitude and resources to cope with whatever may happen. There is so much that you may have to deal with that you won’t know to expect.
One of the most important things I’ve learned as a parent is, the happy childhood you mentioned having…that doesn’t happen by itself or just unfold - you as the parent have to make that happen. All of it. Every birthday party, holidays, first day of school…You have to create consistency and calm even when you’re exhausted and frustrated. You have to help them to make friends, learn to manage their emotions, build their self esteem…It’s hard work and honestly, sometimes you don’t actually enjoy it yourself. The important thing is that they do. Those are the memories they look back on all their lives. And at your age, all of this will take up a large portion of the rest of your own life, so it’s important to consider whether this is what you want to spend it on doing.
One of the hardest things about parenting for me is realising all my shortcomings and accepting that I’m not the parent I hoped I would be. The reality is often very different from what you imagine. I still have all the faults and flaws I had before and now I’m tired and mildly depressed to boot. The important thing is you have to be able to adapt and be flexible and give yourself a chance to learn, to make mistakes, learn from them, try harder and move forward.
One last thing: having ADHD can make some things very difficult with a baby. Breastfeeding for example can be really difficult because you have to stay in one place and still for long stretches of time. You may need extra support with things like that, or plan how you are going to manage.
And, just be aware that it’s possible that your child might have it too and think about how you might cope with that. Children are hard work, hyperactive children are a whole different ballgame and it can be very very intense.

I have a 5yo, 3yo and 1yo. It's really, really demanding. I work and my job requires late nights of studying and planning. I'm tired all of the time. But I would double, triple, quadruple my load if it meant I could still be a mother to my children. The good outweighs the bad tremendously. But that's just me, everyone's different

OP, I felt very similar to you. I felt a very deep longing to have a baby, and a family of my own. I felt extremely sad about not having it. How much was societal expectations and how much was biology, I'll never know. At the same time, I was also pretty convinced that the relentless nature of parenthood was not for me, and that I would have gone insane with exhaustion and stress and all the rest of it. I worked with children and parents for 20 years so had no romantic ideas about what was involved. Also no support whatsoever from family

I went with my gut, and didn't have a baby. I'm 45 now, and more grateful with every passing year that I stayed childfree. Maybe it would have been the best thing I ever did, but I wasn't willing to take the gamble and I'm absolutely fine with not knowing. You say that you want to be convinced to go for it, so I'm pitching the idea that you don't go for it! No one is immune from regret whichever path they choose in life and as others have said, your situation is really not ideal. I think all of your concerns are very valid

@TondeLayaDelaVentimiglia , such a great post

'One of the most important things I’ve learned as a parent is, the happy childhood you mentioned having…that doesn’t happen by itself or just unfold - you as the parent have to make that happen. All of it.'

This is so spot on, and so important

I had my dcs aged 38 and 42. I'm AuDHD and I've never had an issue with sleep deprivation, I have always managed on very little sleep. I've also not had any problems with social isolation as I tend to be a loner.

We don't have any family or friends to help and we manage fine as I'm a sahm and DH's work is very flexible (he goes to an office but can opt to wfh any day with no notice). I am not a sociable person and don't have mum friends, but we make a lot of use of activities, holiday camps and classes, which provides social interaction for the dcs and structure for me, and a bit of childcare/letting the teacher entertain. Personally I prefer that to relying on favours from friends and then having to be an unpaid childminder for their kids.

The age gap is a bit bigger and that was deliberate - I interact much better with my dcs one to one and wouldn't have been happy having 2 little ones at home (my eldest was in pt nursery when younger one was born). But you may just be thinking about having one and done, given your age. That is a bit easier but then many parents of onlies have to host more play dates and take other dcs out on day trips or holidays, which wouldn't suit me at all.

If you decide to ttc, I highly recommend getting a private NIPT to get an early check for genetic abnormalities. We had to have a tfmr due to issues with one pg, and grtting tested earlier meant the procedure was less complex (compared to if I'd waited for NHS checks). Realistically you have to be prepared for a higher risk of that, and of miscarriage, at your age. I didn't need any fertility treatment but we did have investigations as it took over a year to conceive dc1 at age 38.

Statistics like this, ironically, are about the only thing that doesn't weigh on my mind 😂I suppose it's because a lot of my friends' mums had them at around 40, without complications, and also a lot of my mum's friends had their children at 40 and up too, also without complications. So it's always seemed a normal thing to me to have children at this age.

In the nicest way possible, if you can’t cope with a 9-5 you won’t be able to cope with the stresses of motherhood

I have done fertility tests and things seem to look good. I do know lots of women who had healthy children and straightforward pregnancies and births around 40 so that's never really worried me, although I know there are more risks than at a younger age.

Yes, I was only diagnosed with ADHD recently, the inattentive type, it hasn't stopped me from being well behaved as a kid, having great academic achievement, working etc. It's more of an 'inner world' problem than something I inflict on other people - I certainly don't think my parents ever wished I hadn't been born because of it! 😂

Your fertility is dropping off a cliff every single day so I wouldn’t be so complacent. Decide now if you want children and get on with it if you do. If you fanny about for another 6 months to a year you could have made the difference between having a child and not having one.

As for it being hard? Well, yeah… duh. But there are plenty of things about it that aren’t hard. Sleep deprivation and constant illness was hard in the first year, but we now have a 3 year old who is very easy going and never tantrums etc. Other people have easy babies and absolute nightmare toddlers. You have to consider whether you could cope if your child had additional needs too. Parenting can be hard enough especially at your age with a neurotypical child. How would you cope with a child who was severely autistic for example?

lets see this si what i had against me . My mother was scarred mentally. She was from central America brought up in a convent we all know what they were like and in a area full of gun crime. She married my British father and came to Britain. I grew up with a woman who because of her upbringing had a short temper and would grab the first thing to punish me with.

I was born with the cord round my neck and needed physio till i was 11 ,so i was a delayed child. So as you can imagine it was not easy with her and this

With all that going on when i went to college i studied childcare i learnt and understood more. In regards to what happened in my life i learnt compassion ,i knew pain and wanted to make children's lives better .My mother died while i was studying .Which allowed me to grow ,as i grew up i had a lot of trouble working myself out i took meds i got better .

But after all this a broken mind ,my issues from learning difficulties and being on my own. I somehow found a good person to be with and we built a family

life's not easy sometimes you get a crap hand but if you want something better sometimes it just takes a little work .But you can get there .

I found my first baby so easy (about to have my second) and I also don't like routine, so the ability to have zero routine on mat leave felt sooo liberating! Everyone I know who likes structure and routine to their days hated it.

Plan to sleep in shifts with the baby though - you need uninterrupted rest/sleep time each night otherwise you can crack up. Babies sometimes wake every 30mins overnight, so just plan for that and make sure you both get "time off" overnight to sleep.

But personally I haven't found having kids hard. My mental health was worse before I had them - and I have a friend with severe mental health who seems almost cured after having a baby and discovering a purpose.

Also, of course, some people struggle with PND. But it's not a given actually

I have recently been diagnosed with ASD and ADHD and struggle with the things you are worried about, I have 2 young DCs and we also have no grandparent help.

If you decide to have children it will be their needs you need to prioritize and not your own, so you will end up with lack of sleep, routines, lack of free time to yourself, having to get up early in the mornings after potentially bad nights, activities for the kids rather than yourself. It’s really tough and having these conditions does make a lot of things about parenting harder.

Saying that I wouldn’t be without my DCs and I don’t regret having them at all, I put their needs before mine and they never go without anything. It’s definitely possible if you both want children.

@SilkySoul
Sure, you can chose to ignore science and think your fertility defies nature.

But - to have give birth at 40 - you sort of need to have started trying at 39. And the way you are dithering - you wont make any decisions until it will most likely be too late. And you can’t afford IVF.

For every woman you know over 40 who had given birth - there is a much larger number of women who TTC and, sadly, failed.

But maybe you subconsciously want it to be taken out of your hands. 🤗

I was in exactly the same situation you are in now. I went through hell. During the worst of it, I took the morning after pill and folic acid (just in case; for the next time or for the future) on the same day.

When I became pg, I felt immense dread. I arranged an abortion and just when I was all stirruped up and about to have the sedative administered- I sat up and yelled, ‘no! stop!’. Went home, cried, had some chicken soup… later it turned out there was no heartbeat - a missed miscarriage - and secretly I felt relieved.

There was a lot of madness like this.

I realise people who have children say it’s all worth it and they wouldn’t be without. I don’t doubt that they feel that way. It’s philosophical though because personally I’ll never know. I look at my mother, who only enjoyed her kids once we all became adults. That’s a big chuck of life spent being unhappy.

I’m now 52. The ship has sailed. I feel at peace and don’t much have the regret I used to worry about. Very occasionally I might do when I’m around other people’s lovely children, but it’s seldom.

I wish someone had told me, in my late 30s, that thr regret of NOT having might never arrive or be as severe as I’d feared.

You don’t have to have children, @op,regardless of what society makes us feel. It is not for everyone.

Ditto!

It’s not just the baby days that are hard. Your whole life becomes relentless and is all about prioritising the child.

I was with my ex 12 years before we had kids. I knew him, we worked well together, we travelled , we didn’t argue. After kids my life changed, his didn’t. Now I’m raising them on my own and he sees them once a fortnight.

My biggest regret isn’t the failure of my marriage, it’s that I have inflicted a feckless, selfish man child on my children. I couldn’t force him to be a good parent when we were together and I have even less influence now. Although hindsight is a wonderful thing, you can’t know this person in 6 months. Romantic heartbreak is nothing compared to the pain you feel when your child is hurting because their dad is useless.

You say in your OP that you need to be convinced to do it, just off that I don’t think you should.

So agree. 6 months is ridiculous. OP, you don’t need to be convinced, you need to let it go. And more women need to have a hard think about leaving this decision until they’re 40, Jesus Christ.

Thanks, yes, I hear people talk about feeling isolated as a new mum but I love being at home and enjoy my own company. Lockdown was a dream for me. So I don't feel concerned about that. I won't ask how much your partner earns, but if he was earning £30k per year like mine does, would you be able to manage the way you do at the moment?

😂Yes, I get you! I suppose the hope is that I would love my children more than I've loved any office jobs I've had!

I wouldn't have paid mat leave though, is one of the big issues. I'd have to get back to work as soon as I could.

I've thing I would say is that if you have ADHD then there's a good chance your child will. That can make things a lot harder, depending on how their needs dovetail with yours (or not). Sleep is the big one in our household.