Scared of not having children, terrified of having them

[SilkySoul]

(Sorry if this is in the wrong category - I wasn't sure where to put it!)

Hello, just a bit of a stream of consciousness here to get some perspectives.

I'm 40 (f) and my partner is 42 (m). Neither of us have kids. We have only been together about 6 months but we both feel the pressure of time and have been talking about having children.

We each earn about £30k. We're both self employed (so no maternity pay etc.).

I have ADHD. Some of the ways this manifests in me are that I have a lot of difficulty sleeping, and my mental health really suffers with sleep deprivation; and that I absolutely hate routine (one of the reasons I like being self employed. I found 9-5 work absolutely soul destroying). I remember breaking down and crying once as a child and telling my mum it was because life was just 5 days at school, 2 days off, over and over again until you're an adult and then 5 days at work, 2 days off, over and over again until you die! So the thought of having to plan life around school term dates and holidays makes me feel very depressed.

My mum is dead and my dad is in his 70s and not very hands on with the grandchildren he already has. My siblings live far away, as do all of my partner's family (in another country). Our friends are also spread around the country and world. So we don't have the village of people you supposedly need to raise a child, it's just the two of us really.

So... the thought of not having children and regretting it later scares the hell out of me, but the thought of having children also absolutely terrifies me as I don't know how we'd cope financially and I really don't think I'd cope mentally.

My partner also has worries, but his are more 'It's scary to think about being responsible for helping the child grow up to be a good person' and mine are more 'I will have a mental breakdown or die of exhaustion'. He doesn't seem to have financial concerns, but I think he's living in a dream world on that front.

I'd love to hear from anyone who had similar concerns before deciding to have children! Convince me that it is practically possible!

I was told before I had children that they would bring the very best times in your life and the very worst times in your life, and I can’t say he was wrong. There are very definite highs and lows, it’s exhausting and excruciating at times and the surges of love are like nothing I’ve ever known. Probably not helpful! I don’t think having a child is something you’d regret doing, as the love is something else, but you definitely might regret not having them.

Yes I would say it’s completely different from a 9-5 job from an ADHD perspective. I can’t do a 9-5 job, I need flexibility for hours and work times. I am a good mother however, it’s a completely different thing.

If both you and partner kind of think you want a child then I would just go for it, not over think too deeply, there are no fertility guarantees whatever age you are, but your age does make things more pressing.

If you find trying and not falling pregnant straight away difficult then you’ll know it’s something you want and vice versa. If you’re relieved or not bothered if it doesn’t happen straight away then maybe get the dog (!)

I remember trying half heartedly for a 3rd baby and being relieved most months it didn’t happen and realised I didn’t want what I thought I did.

I was self employed when I got pregnant and got Maternity Allowance pay from the government. It helped me to have 9 months mat leave. I’m sure you’ll be entitled to something.

It can be like this, but it doesn’t have to be like this. I don’t recognise this with any of my children.

Thus stood out for me for when your child starts school. If your ADHD makes you time blind you need to find a workaround for it. Children need to get to school on time and need to be collected on time until they are old enough to make their own way.

I had DD at 41, and the hardest thing for me was loss of freedom - going from being a childfree adult for over 20 years - getting enough sleep and being spontaneous about my free time to being a slave to a baby 24/7. It was relentless.

I was ambivalent about having DC in the first place as well.

Assuming your relationship is strong enough, is it?? You will find a way with the finances, and by 40 you will be used to managing your adhd. It is a little older than ideal to start trying so be realistic about the possibility of it not happening, but that issue aside, you aren’t in a bad position. Having one child is very different to having 2 or more. Good luck whatever you decide.

OP, you and your partner know your own lives best and what will work for you both and what likely won't. Will you regret your decision either, no matter which way you go? It's possible. You can regret any decision you make in life.

Go with your gut on this one.

Like the old 'flip a coin, and you'll know your decision based on how you feel when it lands!'

It's just very low though isn't it, statutory maternity pay?

I don't have a problem with time blindness, it is more about the lack of autonomy, so it's the second point you've made that's more relevant!

Was it worth it though? Does the good outweigh the bad?

Yes, I was only recently diagnosed with ADHD and to be fair, the assessor said I've got some of the best coping strategies he's ever seen! (I bet he says that to all the 40 year olds)

It was equal. DD had serious health issues when she was a few weeks old that meant regular visits to the children's hospital for many years.

The primary school years were the easiest then, when she was at secondary school she experienced some horrific bullying that affected her mental health.

A lot of parents will say that the teenage years are the hardest snd I agree with this. Even the easiest teenager needs you on an emotional level quite unlike parenting a small child.

University was a new start for her and it is a lot easier now.

@TondeLayaDelaVentimiglia this is an extremely wise post.

Great post @TondeLayaDelaVentimiglia

It sounds like it could be a wonderful thing for you to do. In your position I'd seriously prepare to be raising a child with ADHD and/or SEN, though, as older age and a family history are both risk factors. That doesn't mean you couldn't have a lovely family life, it's just worth being prepared for the fact that parenting a child with SEN, especially when ND yourself, can have its challenges.

Maternity Allowance isn’t the same as SMP. MA in the UK is currently set at £187.18 per week. I know it was a huge help to me and meant I could take a longer maternity leave when I was self employed and didn’t get paid maternity leave.

That's what I meant. It would be only a third of my normal earnings, so would be a big struggle.

Sounds like you want children. Tbh, being together only 6 months, I'd still get started trying next cycle. Buy ovulation sticks off amazon too, makes it much more likely to conceive as you're having see at the right time. Even with the perfect timing, at your age, it could take a long time to conceive.

You want a baby, you're 40, you have an OK wage, go for it before the risk of it being too late gets greater. Good luck!

BTW, I have a just turned 2yr old and a 3.5yr old, yea it's tough as they fight half the time, but so sweet together the other half, and 2yr old is extremely clingy still - has been since 11 months. But, it's well worth it and enriches my life lots. 3yr old is brilliant most the time now, fun to be around, hilarious, cheeky and only really a nightmare when tired x

I wouldn’t choose to have a child with anyone I’d known for only 6 months, unless I was certain I had the means to do it all alone.

Your partner’s last LTR broke down after his partner had a miscarriage…are you confident that he would be supportive if the same happened to you?

What does “inner world problem” mean?

If you both want a family, give it a whirl. There are the risks of incompatibility when the child arrives because it is incredibly, and I mean incredibly testing for all relationships at times.

What will be will be. I'd just try and be relaxed as possible about it though and not hold out hope on knowing others who have been older and have had children because kindly, it's irrelevant. It is difficult to convince at 40.

Like I say, what will be will be. If it's meant to be, it will be! Best of luck with however it goes.

I had a child at 40 - I was flipflopping over the decision too. I just really really loved my life and the freedom (and the money!) I had when I was childfree and didn't know if I would resent the hard sides of parenting.

I also have ADHD and I worried that a) I'd pass it on and b) would become quickly overstimulated /exhausted and my MH would take a nosedive. I also worried I'd hate and then neglect the 'boring' bits.

I decided to take the plunge. I had my DC just after I turned 40 and I absolutely fucking love it. Yes, there are hard parts, yes I am definitely tireder - but being a parent has surpassed all my expectations, in areas and ways I could never have predicted. Far from being bored by routine, I actually found freedom in having a baby - yes you have to factor in naps and feeding etc but it's not a rigid clock, most things are tweakable, and I've done so much new and interesting stuff because I've got them with me. My kid is delicious - I genuinely enjoy the time we have together. I assumed I'd love them, I didn't realise I'd LIKE them so much.

I'm not trying to sway you either way, just wanted to share a positive experience to help you decide.

I think if you have got to 40 and still not sure if you want kids then really you don't want kids .

'Was it worth it though? Does the good outweigh the bad?'

I don't think that anyone can answer this for you. Some parents are deeply grateful for their children and feel that every single moment, however tough, is totally worth it. Some parents bitterly regret the decision to have a child at all and feel like they are living a life that is not their own. And everyone else is somewhere in-between!

There is no way to bulletproof your life against the possibility of regret in the future, no matter which choices you make