Scared of not having children, terrified of having them

[SilkySoul]

(Sorry if this is in the wrong category - I wasn't sure where to put it!)

Hello, just a bit of a stream of consciousness here to get some perspectives.

I'm 40 (f) and my partner is 42 (m). Neither of us have kids. We have only been together about 6 months but we both feel the pressure of time and have been talking about having children.

We each earn about £30k. We're both self employed (so no maternity pay etc.).

I have ADHD. Some of the ways this manifests in me are that I have a lot of difficulty sleeping, and my mental health really suffers with sleep deprivation; and that I absolutely hate routine (one of the reasons I like being self employed. I found 9-5 work absolutely soul destroying). I remember breaking down and crying once as a child and telling my mum it was because life was just 5 days at school, 2 days off, over and over again until you're an adult and then 5 days at work, 2 days off, over and over again until you die! So the thought of having to plan life around school term dates and holidays makes me feel very depressed.

My mum is dead and my dad is in his 70s and not very hands on with the grandchildren he already has. My siblings live far away, as do all of my partner's family (in another country). Our friends are also spread around the country and world. So we don't have the village of people you supposedly need to raise a child, it's just the two of us really.

So... the thought of not having children and regretting it later scares the hell out of me, but the thought of having children also absolutely terrifies me as I don't know how we'd cope financially and I really don't think I'd cope mentally.

My partner also has worries, but his are more 'It's scary to think about being responsible for helping the child grow up to be a good person' and mine are more 'I will have a mental breakdown or die of exhaustion'. He doesn't seem to have financial concerns, but I think he's living in a dream world on that front.

I'd love to hear from anyone who had similar concerns before deciding to have children! Convince me that it is practically possible!

@Trueview , that's a lovely post 😊 I worked with children and parents for over 20 years, and it was pretty rare to meet a parent who gave the impression of really enjoying their child. Sad stuff

It’s very hard. Extreme sleep deprivation. And you are very much trapped in a routine / by the kids needs.

Yes, I was only diagnosed with ADHD recently, the inattentive type, it hasn't stopped me from being well behaved as a kid, having great academic achievement, working etc. It's more of an 'inner world' problem than something I inflict on other people

There is research and consideration to remove ADHD as something that is a disorder or disease or even a difference (as the numbers only climb). Rather, there is a move to see it as just another variable human personality trait. I wonder if you're using this diagnosis as a crutch? Or an excuse not to have children? I mean, if you've been successful and had a relatively healthy life for your, is a diagnosis, especially at your age, really something to see as a hinderance? Or, is it your excuse because deep down you don't want kids? I have no idea: you could go either way, and it's your choice.

I am convinced if I went in seeking one, I'd also get a inattentive ADHD diagnosis. the 9-5 of life is as depressing to me as you describe - I found entrepreneurship as a way to keep my days from being predictable or habitual. I also have two daughters, one with a personality just like me (she's in freelance journalism now, so it fits her personality).

And, I wouldn't trade them for anything.

DD1 was sleep deprivation hell. DD2 was not. Having children means you have no idea what you'll get. It's a gamble. While I know a few people who regretted having their children (my cousin's wife who has 2 w/ autism. She loves them, but hates caring for them) most people are so grateful they did. It's rarely something you regret doing.

Also, people who decide to be childfree tend to really feel that way for many years. You seem far more on the fence than the childfree people I know who are happy w/ their choice.

Good luck to you!

Can I just give you a different perspective, I had 2 children quite late, 39 and 45 and yes there were some tough times early on but it opened up so many new worlds to me, engaging in their hobbies, lovely holidays and meeting their friends and girlfriends. My eldest is 25 now and they both give me a window into the younger generation.
Don't just think of the initial years which are fun too, it's so nice to have a grown up family when you are a bit older to share their story with as well.

I found having a baby a very happy non-stressful experience. I handled the newborn sleepless nights well with adrenalyn and the baby slept through from 10 weeks onwards. Genuinely find everyday a joy and not difficult at all despite working full time. It's not always hard ....

Interested why you are concerned about finances when you both earn the approx average UK salary. Many many families live on this or less. Are you in the South?

It is rough if you don't have help. And it's hard with adhd. My mum has adhd and struggled with the routine of having children, it was hard.

But the OP is 40, it would be foolish to wait until she’s older as the chances will be reduced dramatically!

Young children are very hard work, unless you are exceptionally lucky. How do you feel about looking after a drunk friend? Because toddlers are like little drunk people! They need eyes on them every minute they are awake,
. They have absolutely no sense of danger, but know their own mind! Some are absolute Houdini’s at undoing seat belts/ harnesses. Some are surprisingly fast. When they really don’t want to do something, they can be unexpectedly heavy by just going completely limp and quite literally being a ‘dead weight’. They can give you ringing in the ears when they decide to be vocal, and they will absolutely fill a nappy just as you’re trying to leave the house for an important appointment. Everyone feels they can critique your parenting, and any ‘poor’ (aka normal) toddler behaviour will be seen as your failure to properly parent.
child care is an absolute minefield, and sort out who will take a day’s leave if the baby / toddler is sick (factor this in for approximately 10-11 years). Then factor in the stress of school attendance, endless requests from primary school for attending assemblies/ concerts/ needing costumes/ suddenly needing a pack lunch for a day trip to somewhere…
never be late to drop off or pick up, so factor in potential delays in journeys to school, even if on foot!
Except your love life to nose dive, resentment to build, arguments over who sleeps better, endless boring ground hog days, and wondering how the hell anyone manages to leave the house looking cool, calm and collected before 10am!
On the plus side, toddlers are cute, have the most incredible ability to cuddle up, to giggle and make you smile, the love that you feel for them is beyond any words, even more incredible is that love and bond you have for them just keeps on growing and growing and growing. Mine are older teens now, and they are my world, I want them to have the best lives they can and do jobs they love, whilst being decent, thoughtful humans!
Being a parent is without doubt the hardest ‘job’ I’ve ever done, but it’s also the most rewarding. It’s not plain sailing, when they are young it’s physically exhausting, when they got older it’s emotionally challenging at times. When they are ill, (ie needing hospitalisation) your heart and soul cries out in pain, and you wish and wish it could be you lying in that bed with IVs, monitors etc etc), and the tiredness and worry is on a whole different level.
personally I think the most important aspect of being a parent is having a supportive partner who doesn’t need asking to do jobs, but sees the jobs that needs doing and just gets on and does them; a partner who has the same principals In child rearing as you do, who shares the parenting role equally, who shares the chores equally. Maternity leave is not about looking after the household chores it’s about looking after your baby, and some babies need a lot more looking after than others, and there is no way in knowing if you have a contented baby who feeds and sleeps well, or a colicky baby who spends more time crying than feeding or sleeping.
financially get married before having kids, otherwise if he fucks off when it gets too tough, you’ll be screwed.
I think the biggest issue; it’s impossible to know if you’ll love, like or loath being a parent, the problem is by the time you realise it was a huge mistake, its too bad as there is no going back. You just can’t hand in your resignation (well, I mean you can, plenty of men do, but the few women who do, find themselves quickly castigated).
Nobody can tell you if you should have children, and even those of us with children will have vastly differing opinions. For some being a parent is their soul reason for being, for some it brings fulfilment and wonder, for others being a parent is like the curates egg, for some it’s a constant regret, for some it’s apathy, there is absolutely no way of knowing. Finally if there is anything about you or your partner you don’t like, how will you manage it, if your child shows that genetic / personality trait?

I think there’s only so far you can get on weighing up the pros and cons. Once you make the decision to try for a baby, or to not prevent a pregnancy happening, it’s a case of surrendering control and being ok with living with that.

You have no control of if you conceive or not, and at 40 I’m sorry but it already is a big If. You have no control over whether the pregnancy will succeed or not, or whether it’s a single or multiple. Minimal control over the when and how of birth (although a bit more so with an elective section). No control over whether your child(ren) are born disabled, or become disabled. No control over whether they’re a sleeper, or over their general temperament, or of their likelihood of mental health challenges as they get older. You get the picture. The question for you might not be what’s the balance of costs and benefits of having a child, but are you ready right now to surrender control and accept whatever comes?

Sorry to say this OP but if your mental health suffers with sleep deprivation then a baby will really put a lot of strain on yourself as well as your relationship (especially if you have no external help). Lots of children do not sleep well for years and you may be up several times a night.

Babies and children also need some form of routine in their lives and if you struggle with that how will you manage parenting and their school life.

Everyone copes differently and has varying levels of patience. But the thought of having children is very different to the reality.

I also find that the older I get the lower my energy levels are so keep that in mind. I do wish I had children younger because they require lots of attention and when sleep deprived it can feel like torture some days.

If you don’t think you would cope mentally (as you said in your OP), that doesn’t bode well. Parenthood is wonderful but so challenging. You need to be good at routine, yet be flexible, cope with very little sleep. You cease to be the centre of your world. You can’t even bear the thought of planning your life around term dates? That’s the least of your worries. Don’t bring a child into the world if you don’t really want one – that’s not a great start in life.

Older ADHD mum here.

No regrets about having my DC, though it absolutely does make life harder. I was only diagnosed with ADHD post DC because that’s when I really noticed I was struggling. It’s just spinning that extra plate too many.

I’ve never really missed the freedom and I have found having DC opens up a whole new world - I’ve loved taking them to new places, enjoying the world through their eyes, watching them grow. I’m good at being the “fun mum”. I love spending time with them, they are brilliant.

I HATE the routine elements. Honestly having to think about making meals for them at set times every day and sort school uniforms and pack bags etc etc is torturous. I find not having peace hard - more so now they are older and constantly trying to chat to me about Minecraft and Pokémon or whatever. I really need decompression time. I think my wider relationships have suffered not because I don’t have the time but I don’t have enough of myself to give.

Both DC are neurodiverse - trying to have the executive function skills for three is when you really don’t have the executive function for one is hard.

The good easily outweighs the bad - they are such awesome humans and I really think the world is a better place for having them in it, they’ve got so much to contribute to it.

I had my children at 39 and 41.
In your position and the situation you describe very honestly i wouldn't and I'm generally very pro kids.

If you really wanted a child then I don't think you'd be asking the question - you'd know.

Are you willing to potentially parent alone? And know that the lack of downtime for a long time is incredibly hard if you’re ND imo - prob the hardest along with potential MH issues. And the truth is, the former won’t change much for a LONG time.

No one can predict what the future might look like with a child, do they sleep well, will your partner stay? How you cope with the sleep deprivation?

Knowing what I know now, I can’t imagine my life without my son, but on the other hand you’ve had a wonderful 40 years already, so may as well enjoy the rest of them care-free. You won’t regret all the freedoms and free time.

Benefits besides my incredible loving child, are I have a wonderful community I didn’t previously have, and I’ve made some amazing friendships.

You’re self employed which is a bonus, no corp BS to contend with re child sick days & flexibility!

Congrats whatever you decide. If yes, get cracking, If no, crack a bottle of bubby ☺️

I have ADHD too and had all the same fears as you. The best thing about having a child is that they are endlessly interesting, varied, and I’m never bored

It is practically possible but based on everything you wrote it seems the cons outweigh the pros for you in which I would suggest against having a kid if you feel strongly enough that it would not work for you and your lifestyle. There is no need to force something on yourself just because it is the norm. Also you mention you are 40 which means you have a cultivated a routine and life for yourself for a while now and adding a child into the mix that will undoubtedly disrupt and dismantle your familiar routine doesn’t sound like a scenario you would be welcoming with open arms based off of your desire to have children and that is OK.

I want to come at it from a less depressing angle.

Yes parenting is hard.

But there are multiple ways to parent. But I would also make sure that my village is established. A village could be you and your partner, you and your family, you and some friends, and and a community. Have multiple villages. Have a plan if you were ever to do it alone for whatever reason.

I say this is someone that was a single parent in my 20s and managed to achieve a lot. My life was split between home and work, and I was able to have some level of “me time” - I didnt have the most exciting social life (as in most my evenings and weekends were with my daughter but we had lots of adventures over the weekend).

I know children need stability. But it’s also about building memories. Which can be fun. As my daughter got older we would explore new neighbourhoods. Attend events together. Get creative.

Of course a lot of parenting is also about who you end up parenting as PP have said. Additional needs, personality clashes etc.

I agree with a PP that had children in their 20s and 30s and found 30s harder - I had my second in my 30s with a very supportive partner but the hardest thing is giving up previous freedoms. But I’be done it once and will get my life back.

Hi, thank for your reply. The concern about finances is that we are both self employed - so no paid leave. Just statutory maternity allowance.

Understandable but alot of people only get stat pay which is comparable to mat allowance. If you're self employed could you gradually pick up work while on leave? My friend did that.

It's hard but i wouldn't let it hold you back. If you're even considering ttc, start saving now x

I had my second in my 30s with a very supportive partner but the hardest thing is giving up previous freedoms

I think I felt the opposite - I was glad to have had my 20s and 30s to just have fun and focus on my career and build friendships and have amazing holidays and make mistakes. I'd got all that out of my system by my late 30s when I had my first. Even if I didn't have DC now I don't think I'd be going out partying hard at night then sleeping it off for half the weekend, or pulling all-nighters at work to hit a deadline to advance my career. I'm just past wanting to do that, with or without kids.

Tiredness, yes maybe that's an issue. I got long-covid while having a toddler and a 5yo and that was tough times, I just chronically tired for such a long time. Having got through that, health and wellbeing is a massive priority for me - diet, exercise, supplements, sleep - and I feel as energetic as I ever have. Having ADHD I struggle more with mental energy and that's always a work in progress.

Sure yes there's lost freedom of course but it feels like a trade off I have been happy making and there's loads of new opportunities and joy in simple things.

In my experience with my NCT group who were diverse age ranges it was the younger ones who found the lifestyle shift harder and pined for the lost freedom. The older ones were ready for it.

Approximately the average UK salary in employment isn’t the same as both self employed. They won’t get any sickness or family leave or paid holidays. It’s not just occupational maternity/paternity pay, there’s school holidays, child sickness time off etc. It’s a low income.
Plus at this stage a short relationship and too early to commit to a lifetime of parenting. I know someone who changed her mind at 40 and was lucky enough to get pregnant naturally, also someone else in the same situation who finally got a baby after 4 rounds of IVF but both were in long stable marriages. I personally think at 40 and not yet in a stable relationship and financially set means the ship has probably sailed.

I could’ve written this - except I have a 15 mo old. No one can truly prepare you for it.