Devastated about 11yo behaviour

[TopsoilTina]

Me and my partner noticed our son was seeming sad and going on his phone excessively. He’s 11 and in Y6, we got him a phone so we could contact him when he goes out with friends etc.
We decided to start taking it off him to try and make sure he was using it for a healthier amount of time and the way he reacted when I took it off him the first time raised alarm bells so I decided to look through his phone.

I found a few pornographic images as well as a picture of his own genitals. I also found an image which I originally thought was a screenshot of a stranger sending him a pornographic image. I wasn’t sure what app it was as I always check his phone thoroughly to make sure there’s nothing worrying (he didn’t know I checked it frequently, I do it discreetly) but I didn’t recognise it until posting on here and showing my partner.

I was heartbroken at what I’d seen and so concerned but it got a lot worse. I found the messages from this app and he was the instigator of some absolutely vile conversations. Using sexual terms, talking about rape and using a lot of awful racist language too. He was pretending to be 15 and sent two porn images to this person. It looks like she is a 12yo girl from America.

He said he started looking at porn out of curiosity and it seems like he’s become addicted for the past 2 months.

It came as a massive shock as day to day he comes across as a very intelligent and mature boy and I’d say very morally motivated too. We keep an eye on his phone use but clearly not enough which makes me feel so guilty and sad.

We’ve taken his phone, his PlayStation and Tv and he isn’t allowed to play out for a few weeks.

Two things are worrying me now. One that I’m not entirely sure he is showing enough remorse for what he’s done. We’ve explained it’s illegal and how horrendous the messages are. We talk to him a lot about race, discrimination and how women are treated in society etc and he’s always seemed to share these views.

The other thing worrying me is just how angry I’m getting towards him when he doesn’t seem to show guilt. It’s only been 5 days since it all fully came out and at times it feels like he’s over it and asking when he can get his phone back. To me someone who was truly ashamed of their actions wouldn’t dare mention getting anything back anytime soon?

I’d really like to ask that I’m not judged, I’ve had the week from hell and I feel awful and ashamed about all of this as it is. I was raped around age 14 by my teenage boyfriend who was addicted to porn and all of this is massively triggering. Every time I get the slightly sense he doesn’t feel guilty I absolutely fly off the handle and struggle to control myself

The plan going forward is to take him to see a GP and see what help is available, but I suspect there won’t be anything?

We suspect he’s on the spectrum because he displays some behaviours that would suggest it.

He said he pretended to be older and said those things to seem cool but it just goes against everything we’ve ever taught him

Feel so stressed I can’t think straight so hopefully that all makes sense

We talk to him a lot about race, discrimination and how women are treated in society etc and he’s always seemed to share these views.

How much do you talk about this? You must be careful not to push this stuff too much because he will kick back against it.

Especially given how much flack boys get with being told they’re toxic just for existing.

That may explain the lack of remorse.

Porn addiction is terrible though, so good on you trying to stop that in its tracks

When you give the phone back lock it down or buy a dumb phone. Not trying to be sparky, I wasn't hot enough and found younger child watching inappropriate videos.
We use family link on Android which sets time limits per app.
Also make sure porn is blocked via your Internet provider. Vodafone does this.

Not constantly but if it came up in a TV show for example, or we had some racist riots happen locally last year (?) so we talked about that side of things a lot then. His step dad is of Pakistani heritage so seeing the racist comments has hurt him massively as you can image

I'm not sure what you expect from the GP, they can't fix this. Instead look for children's charities that deal with this sort of thing, perhaps another mumsnetter might have a suggestion of one?

Your ds doesn't need a phone at this age. I would withdraw it until he starts high school in September. And then you will need to make it clear you will be doing random spot checks on a very regular basis. As for being out with his mates, he can wear a watch and stay close to home. You've been putting too much trust in him I think, year six are still little boys in many ways.

Sounds really stressful, it also sounds like you need some support for yourself as well as for him. GP is a good idea, have you got anything through work like employee assistance programme or counselling sessions? Or even health insurance scheme which might provide support calls?

Why are you stopping him from playing out? I can absolutely understand the ban on electronics, but wouldn't it be better to have him out playing with friends rather than moping around the house? That sort of grounding always seems more of a punishment for the parents.

I wouldn't be giving a smart phone back for some time, at least 6 months.
Not as a punishment but because he clearly isn't mature enough to use it safely.

He probably doesn't sound remorseful enough for you also because he isn't mature enough to realise the seriousness of the communications he was involved in.

Playstation also needs to be set up to not interact with strangers. I think that is possible?

I think this is, as you accept, a parental failure as much as his, because you misjudged his maturity. (In the same way you wouldn't leave a 3 year old with a lighter) If you can accept that gradually, you will be able to be calmer with him.

I'm so sorry, OP, this sounds incredibly stressful.

It must be very difficult not to show your anger, but I think you need to try to talk to your ds in a non judgemental way about where all of this has come from, how it started, who has been influencing him etc. Try to give him a safe space to open up, and challenge gently when needed.

He is a child, and he is a victim in many ways, as well as a perpetrator. He needs help and support. It sounds pretty serious, so you probably need some expert help. Charities working in this area may be able to help. You also need to get some advice for yourself on how to parent him through this, ie how best to limit and control his access to the Internet, how to monitor him effectively, how to prevent him doing stuff under the radar. Maybe ask the police to talk to him if you want him to realise how serious this is.

I hope you find a positive way forward.

He's 11? You need to contact the police.

https://www.ceop.police.uk/safety-centre/

Edit to say: He is the victim here. You're not reporting him.

He's too young for a phone or anything Internet connected without supervision. He just isn't mature enough and wouldn't be getting it back at all. He could have a phone that is just a phone. Calls and texts. No camera or browser, no apps.

My second dc isn't getting one, even though her older sibling had one at her age. She's not mature enough. I don't care about fair, I care about keeping her safe. She'll get over it.

The '12yo girl in America' is almost certainly an adult man.

Just take the phone away.

Agree with this.

Firstly, take a deep breath. Sadly this is the society we live in and many other parents will go through this.

I wouldn't go to the G.P. with this. It will be on his records for a lifetime. I like the pp's suggestion of a charity. There are many of them out there.

If he has a good relationship with his Stepfather, I would ask him to consider how this would make him feel. Empathy can be better than punishment.

Once he has his phone back, I would limit his use to when he is in the same room as you. He can have a dumb phone if you're worried about contacting him.

If he is on the spectrum he may struggle with cause and effect, reinforce the wrongs of this behaviour and how it affects everything. I spoke to my sons about sex trafficking and how the videos on these sites may be rape.

He's 11, going through puberty and will be struggling with how he feels. This part of parenting is really tough. Try to be kind to yourself, all parents make mistakes, all parents feel like they've failed at times. This will pass...

Op, this will end as spectacularly badly as you imagine if you don’t step in and intervene now. And you need to intervene HARD. My AuDhd son ended up arrested the week after his 18th birthday and has a 10y shpo now as a result of looking at illegal images. He developed an addiction to porn and was groomed online by adults from when he was age 12 into believing he was transgender. The sissyporn crucified him mentally and started a shitty slide into illegal images. He now has no life, no friends, no job, nothing.

i had no idea that my straight A student was doing all of this behind my back in his bedroom. He didn’t have a phone, this was all in his tablet and games console. Our lives have been absolutely destroyed by this, it hit the press etc and everybody locally knows. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to live through.

As @BreakfastClubBlues suggests, it's very hard to be sure who is receiving messages sent online. Perhaps you could have a discuss and get your son to realise that he almost certainly has no guarantee the person he's sending images / messages to isn't one of his teachers / enemies / blackmailer / etc - whatever is most likely to get him to register that it really isn't a good idea.

Accept this as a massive parenting fuck up and you will stop being devastated by his behaviour.

Let him play out, because you want him offline as much as possible.

The phone is given back now except it is now a dumb phone (there are plenty of devices on the market now).

PlayStation in a public place.

And that 12 year old girl in America is most certainly an adult male, so contact the police.

Sell the phone. He clearly can't have it for the foreseeable future, possibly over a year.

If he was showing remorse then at then moment it would likely be to get his stuff back quicker anyway.

The NSPCC run online safety workshops, so I would make it a priority to get myself educated about keeping my kids safe online.

Buy him a basic call and text phone,and I would also allow him back out, getting out into the world, playing football with friends etc will really help him.

I don't think you should go to the gp about him, in all honesty it's a parenting issue and not something a doctor can 'fix', but you should maybe think about an appointment for yourself, its unfair to take trauma from your past out on your kid.

The NSPCC can also recommend reading material and videos (and there was maybe a film too?) that may help him actually see the effects these things in the online world have. My dd has autism and I always try and find things that will let her see the other side of the story, she can't really grasp the concept of a lot of things through discussion alone.

It's a tough one op, and I feel for you, lots of kids have too much too young now and struggle with it, you're not alone.

Maybe just a dumb phone for now? You can pick up one for £20 so much safer now you know he is into this stuff the interest isn't going to go away.

He would not be getting his phone back at all and when he dose id make sure it was not a smart phone.
It would be a call and text only back in the day phone if you know what i mean.
Play station in the front room only and no tv ever in his room.

He isn’t showing remorse @TopsoilTinabecause this is a safeguarding issue not a behaviour one.

Your son is 11 and has had intimate contact with a stranger online. Please stop being naive - it is highly unlikely that it was a 12 year old girl.

Your ds is most likely being groomed. This is not about porn, it’s child abuse. Please contact NSPCC for advice.

I’d call the stopitnow helpline for advice on this. I suspect your son probably feels quite ashamed, and want to push it away, and if so will push you away at the same time. This is an exquisitely sensitive time for him anyway, you need to protect your relationship with him as that is the most protective thing to navigate this, not to be punitive or make him feel bad, but to actually get him to a place where he can manage his behaviour. He needs to be able to talk about what’s happened without being punished.
So yeah, any attempts to shame him are likely to backfire spectacularly.
adding in potential, neurodiversity, makes this even more complicated. I would be considering various things right now. Good quality family therapy so you can navigate this together. Learning about PACE parenting approaches, and also check out CAPA first response for loads of evidence based ways to reconnect with your child.
I would also explain to him that you’re getting angry because of your own stuff and apologise to him for that, model it. He is a child and a victim of the shitty world we live in

Children shouldn't be given smart phones. I'm very sorry this has happened to your son (and the other children involved). You should now do the responsible thing for your child and inform the police as a safeguarding issue.

Absolutely no phone for a very long time, like until age 13.
You have to now retrain his brain. He has been influenced and dragged into things far beyond his age and understanding.
He needs to be closely monitored in all aspects.
We chexk our 11 year olds phone daily, ita not fool proof but if we even see one swear word we confiscate.
We have conversationa reguarly about online dangers and these kinds of things. Again not fool proof.
No phones in the bedroom, no phones at night.
Was speaking to another parent and they wont allow any kids in their house with phones, have to put them in a box at the door if friends come round.
Anither parent i know only allows one hour per night on gadgets and they can choose phone or console. Then phone back in the box.
If you can remove the influences from him for a long period you can retrain his brain.