Devastated about 11yo behaviour

[TopsoilTina]

Me and my partner noticed our son was seeming sad and going on his phone excessively. He’s 11 and in Y6, we got him a phone so we could contact him when he goes out with friends etc.
We decided to start taking it off him to try and make sure he was using it for a healthier amount of time and the way he reacted when I took it off him the first time raised alarm bells so I decided to look through his phone.

I found a few pornographic images as well as a picture of his own genitals. I also found an image which I originally thought was a screenshot of a stranger sending him a pornographic image. I wasn’t sure what app it was as I always check his phone thoroughly to make sure there’s nothing worrying (he didn’t know I checked it frequently, I do it discreetly) but I didn’t recognise it until posting on here and showing my partner.

I was heartbroken at what I’d seen and so concerned but it got a lot worse. I found the messages from this app and he was the instigator of some absolutely vile conversations. Using sexual terms, talking about rape and using a lot of awful racist language too. He was pretending to be 15 and sent two porn images to this person. It looks like she is a 12yo girl from America.

He said he started looking at porn out of curiosity and it seems like he’s become addicted for the past 2 months.

It came as a massive shock as day to day he comes across as a very intelligent and mature boy and I’d say very morally motivated too. We keep an eye on his phone use but clearly not enough which makes me feel so guilty and sad.

We’ve taken his phone, his PlayStation and Tv and he isn’t allowed to play out for a few weeks.

Two things are worrying me now. One that I’m not entirely sure he is showing enough remorse for what he’s done. We’ve explained it’s illegal and how horrendous the messages are. We talk to him a lot about race, discrimination and how women are treated in society etc and he’s always seemed to share these views.

The other thing worrying me is just how angry I’m getting towards him when he doesn’t seem to show guilt. It’s only been 5 days since it all fully came out and at times it feels like he’s over it and asking when he can get his phone back. To me someone who was truly ashamed of their actions wouldn’t dare mention getting anything back anytime soon?

I’d really like to ask that I’m not judged, I’ve had the week from hell and I feel awful and ashamed about all of this as it is. I was raped around age 14 by my teenage boyfriend who was addicted to porn and all of this is massively triggering. Every time I get the slightly sense he doesn’t feel guilty I absolutely fly off the handle and struggle to control myself

The plan going forward is to take him to see a GP and see what help is available, but I suspect there won’t be anything?

We suspect he’s on the spectrum because he displays some behaviours that would suggest it.

He said he pretended to be older and said those things to seem cool but it just goes against everything we’ve ever taught him

The Lucy Faithfull Foundation has excellent advice and guidance for parents about online sexualised behavious, including a helpline. Google Stop It Now or use this link:
https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/

The CEOP site also has good resources:
https://www.ceopeducation.co.uk/

Regarding racism and extremist views, Prevent exists to identify concerns and tackle them early:
https://www.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/t/prevent/prevent/

It's not unusual for children and teenagers to do stupid things but it's up to us as adults to stop them stop them doing anything that will harm themselves or others.

Have you spoken to school Safeguarding officer?

I think he’s been a victim here. Read over the “12 year old” stuff again. Are you sure there is no encouragement? Could he have been contacted by someone else first?

Where is the racist stuff coming from.

I’d get yourself up to speed on online safety. He shouldn’t be able to talk to strangers or access porn. With the bisexuality coming out now and all of this phone stuff I definitely would look at therapy for him. Reassurance that although you don’t approve of what he said you are 100% there for him and a safe person to talk to no matter what he has done.

Most of the cyper safety advice warns you not to take their devices away. This stops kids from alerting you to things that go wrong. I’d give him back a locked down phone and keep the lines of communication with him wide open.

Children 👏🏻 shouldn’t 👏🏻 have 👏🏻 phones.

When are people going to wake up to this?? It’s so unnecessary and avoidable as well

God, don’t be discreet about checking a primary school child’s phone!

Look up Smartphonefreechildhood.

Don’t be too distressed about his lack of remorse, he’s too young and immature to understand what he’s done. And as others say, he’s a victim. You’ve unfortunately given him a highly destructive weapon, and it’s blown up in his face. Phones can be extremely dangerous, he does not need it back until 15/16.

Report to the police and accept your share of the blame/responsibility.

No more smart phone. He’s not mature enough to handle it, he’s a child.

A charity you might be able to draw on: www.parentsprotect.co.uk/if-your-child-gets-into-trouble-online.htm

Hi OP. You mention hobbies, I think this is a great idea, and really recommend some sort of martial arts in this regard. Theres an inherent element of self control and self respect to it, as well as respect for others, that is beneficial for young boys, especially as they're navigating this tricky stage. Having a variety of strong male role models in real life that also demonstrate self control is really crucial for young men at such a formative age. Theres plenty of evidence to back it up too! https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6440068/

I agree with PPs, he is too young for a smart phone. I read the anxious generation a while back and would recommend it OP. Lots of information about how a lack of real world experiences and unrestricted access to the Internet is messing up our kids.

An organisation like screenstrong may have some suitable advice for you. I can't wait for the government to pull themselves together and get the tech and phone companies to make it impossible for children to see this kind of stuff on smartphones and the internet. I'm sorry you are going through this op

I think you should read the latest book by Jonathan Haidt and put the phone away in a draw for the next few years. Preferably 3-4 years.

I personally would replace his smart phone with a phone that he can only text and call on. He’s far too young to be subjected to the graphic porn that’s online and now he’s seen it, he will go looking for it.
X

He was obviously to young to have a phone . Also probably to young to go out alone. You probably have no idea who he speaks too outside of your house .
He has shown he has the ability to lie.
Being exposed to so much at a young age can be very damaging

Really sad situation - so sorry for you. I think that it is not right to shame him and be angry with him as he is a child and shame only leads to more secrets. He didnt behave well but its the fault of the device and our society, not him.

You can't turn back time and you have reacted to a situation that you never expected to have to react to, so I can see why you went to anger. I would take a step back and let some time pass without his phone.

I do think GP is a good idea as think he would benefit from some counseling given what he's seen and expressed. May also be an idea to let the school know a watered down version of what's happened as it's likely his friends are having similar issues - maybe they can run a session.

Try to reframe what has happened as something that has happened to him rather than something he has done.

If personally take his phone indefinitely and give him an old flip or Nokia for the next couple of years so he can only text and call.

Specialist charity is the way to go.

But... Do you think he might be groomed? How do you know the pic was sent to another girl? There was a programme about cat fishing and a case in NI. The guy was vile and involved thousands of children.

I think the person who should be feeling guilty here is you. He’s in primary school. What on earth were you thinking getting him a phone and allowing unsupervised access day and night?

My son is a year younger and will be getting a Nokia brick type thing in year 7 at the earliest. That’s standard around here. I wouldn’t be considering a smartphone before having a child who was old enough to be looking at the content that they will undoubtedly be looking at.

I think the person who should be feeling guilty here is you.

She has already said in the OP that she feels guilty, as well as sad, worried and heartbroken.

But I'm sure that extra bit of scolding from you will do her the world of good.

I agree there is nothing to be gained by scolding the OP but I really hope this posts makes other parents open their eyes a bit.

Your own rape is irrelevant to this incident (sorry) even though it explains your feelings about it. He is 11, his understanding of the significance of what he's done will be very unsophisticated. He has to know he can be 'redeemed' and come back from this. Your punishments sound a bit OTT. Try and get out and do family stuff, especially while the weather is good - walk in park, bike ride, visit relatives/friends. Invite his trustworthy friends over so they can kick football in garden or whatever. He needs to return to being an 11 year old boy, he needs his head filling with normal stuff.

GPs are not trained in this sort of thing, and just bear in mind what another poster said about it being on his NHS record forever.
Personally I would not involve the police either, they are not going to track down a 12 year old girl in the US (or adult man or whatever the person is) but they might note that your son sent obscene images - you do not want that on his police record.
Honestly, this is something you have to deal with yourselves. Be careful not to catastrophise, he needs to be pushed back into being an 11 year old boy, he is not a criminal.

If you think he's addicted pay for a few counselling sessions op. It will cost £30-40 a session so isn't cheap but he can just not have treats for a month or two. It will be worth it for his mental health. Obviously you know you should be checking an 11 year olds phone regularly. He has shown he's not mature enough to have one now. Maybe just buy him an old style Nokia that he can call you on but no internet access for a fair while.

Is his PlayStation in a family area where you can monitor what he is doing on it?

You have failed him.
Why on earth hasn’t his phone got child settings on? My son is 16 and he can’t access porn on his phone. You can’t give him is phone back.